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I lie awake waiting for you...
Aug 25, 2007 | 7:21AM
I lie awake waiting for you... As I lie on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night. You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me. You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you lay on my naked body... You sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you nearly drove me crazy while you drained me. Finally I went to sleep. Today when I woke up, you were gone. I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events. My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making it harder to forget you. Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you... ...you [censored]ing mosquito...
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SCHOOL ANSWERING MACHINE
Aug 25, 2007 | 7:14AM
SCHOOL ANSWERING MACHINE
This is hilarious -- no wonder some people were offended! This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School (California) staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine. This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough schoolwork to pass their classes. The outgoing message: "Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member,please listen to all the options before making a selection: * To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1 * To make excuses for why your child did not do his work- Press 2 * To complain about what we do - Press 3 To swear at staff members - Press 4 To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5 If you want us to raise your child - Press 6 If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone -Press 7 To request another teacher, for the third time this year -Press 8 To complain about bus transportation - Press 9 To complain about school lunches - Press 0 If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day! If you want this in Spanish, you must be in the wrong country.
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Pink & White M&M's
Jun 17, 2006 | 5:34AM
Pass this on to all of your friends. There are many women
out there
who have breast cancer. Lets do all we can to support this
cause.  New Pink &White M&M's The maker of M&M candies has teamed up with the Susan G.
Komen Breast Cancer Foundation to raise funds through the sale of their new "pink & white" M&M candies. For each 8-ounce bag of the special candies sold, the makers
of M&M (Master foods) will donate 50 cents to the foundation. The next
time you want a treat, please pick up a bag (now sold in stores nationwide)
- you will be donating to a great cause and satisfying your sweet
tooth. Just think...If each of us buy one bag or two.... how much will
be donated. Buy a bag for a friend........... Please pass on to all your family and friends. -- Thanks so much!!!!
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| categories: Blog Idea of the Day, Family, Friends, Fun |
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How to get kicked out of WalMart...
Jun 17, 2006 | 5:23AM
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months,
your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing quite a commotion in our store.
We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning the entire
family from shopping in any of our stores. We have documented all incidents on
our video surveillance equipment. Three of our clerks are attending counseling
from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Fenton have
been compiled and are listed below.
Clarion, IA Wal-Mart Complaint
Department
--------------------------------------------------------
MEMO -
Re: Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints - 15 Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his
spouse is shopping:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and
randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm
clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a
trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. July 19:
Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code3' in
housewares..... and watched what happened.
5. August 4: Went to the
Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. September
14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to the Depends undergarments
area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told
other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding
department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he
begins to cry and asks, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9.
October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and
picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting
department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants
are.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming
the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department,
practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. December
18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!"
"PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud
speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO It's those voices
again!!!!"
(And; last, but not least!)
15. December 23: Went into
a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly,
"There is no toilet paper in here!
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| categories: Friends, Fun, Games, Jokes |
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Answers of the Year
Jun 17, 2006 | 5:21AM
THE
TOP FIVE SMART-ASS ANSWERS OF
THE
YEAR
Smart-Ass
Answer #5
A
flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check
tickets.
As
a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened
his
trench coat and flashed her.
Without
missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your
stub."
Smart-Ass
Answer #4
A
lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but
couldn't
find
one big enough for her family. She asked a butcher,"Do these turkeys get any
bigger?"
The butcher replied, "No, ma'am, they're
dead."
Smart-Ass
Answer #3
The
cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled
down
his
window.
"I've
been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I
got here as fast as I could."
When
the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without
a
ticket.
Smart-Ass
Answer #2
A
truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads
"Low
bridge ahead'" Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and
he
gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally,
a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to
the
truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The
truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out
of gas."
Smart-Ass
Answer #1 (so good it's a repeat)
A
college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now, Class, I won't
tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear
attack or a serious
personal
injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no
other
excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised
his hand and asks,
"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering
from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The
entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When
silence is
restored,
the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head,
and
sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your
other hand.
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| categories: Fun, Jokes |
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A Rose...
Jun 05, 2006 | 9:28PM
 Two elderly women were in a beauty parlor getting their hair done, when in walked a young chick with a low-cut blouse that revealed a beautiful rose tattooed on one boob. One woman leaned over to the other and said, "Poor thing. She doesn't know it, but in 50 years she'll have a long-stemmed rose in a hanging basket." 
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