Well hells bells and taco shells we made it back from our hunting adventure. I'm not sure who was hunting who or who was hunting what to be completely honest with ya.  I was in the search for kids at one point or another and the same went for me and Katrina. Never, Never Ever take under aged kids to the deer woods with a big fat pregnant woman. Love ya honey but gosh dogs come on now.  Someone ALWAYS has to pee! Always. After a while I was like oh hell load up you [censored]ing bunch of people I'm taking ya home and dumpin ya out and I'm runnin the hell away!

First day adventure went pretty well because it was ALL NEW.  It was just me, Katrina, Cheyenne, Cheyne D. and Ethan. So all the almost 5 year olds. Wow, listen to that FIVE years old.....my babies are growing into beast. FIVE...damn I'm getting old. Gosh I will be 50 when my last child graduates high school and she hasn't even made into the world yet. Enough of that junk it's getting depressing.  Naw not really. Anyway as I was saying before my mind got distracted on my age progressing rapidly,,,, the first day was pretty cool. Me and the boys went out in search of meat while the girls blundered around in search of fire wood and all pretty things that amuse them.  We stayed out most of the day with our snacks and drinks in pack...that's the only reason we managed to make it so long. It's amazing what food can do for a child other than nourish their endless pitted little bodies! When we left we had a fairly good amount of food with us, when we got back to camp......ZILCH...NOTHING....not even a drop of water. And that was just TWO boys...that are ALMOST 5!!! Didn't see a deer all day long either.

The second day....not so good....every 5 minutes I hear, "dad I have to pee", "honey I have to potty".....Oh hell just go do it and quit telling me every 5 minutes.  Eventually Katrina decided that maybe it was for the best that her and the kids go back to the trailer and  piddle dick around.....Hey, good idea best one I've heard all day long.  So, off they go back to the campsite and I stay in hopes of targeting in on a stupid deer and I do mean stupid because after all the moaning, groaning and bitching that went on about having to pee a stupid deer would be the only one left in the area literally...or a deaf one.  Anyway I set out there for a long long time until I finally had to pee myself but thank god I didn't have to express that I had to pee to anyone but just capable of whipping it out and doing it.  Right about the time I got my wanger back in my pants I hear something rustling through the leafs...a good size something at that. Boy I look up and all around and finally through the scope of my gun I sighted in on the biggest doe I think I have ever seen. Man she is gorgeous, she turns just right and man she has the pretties set of quarters on her and then she turns her head to the side and and and YOU HAVE TO BE F*#%ing KIDDING ME.....she has a dog collar on her neck. SHE's someones pet deer....ya big dumb doe get the hell away from me before I lose my heart and shoot you anyway.  I give up. I go back to camp.

Day 3.....Hell with it. I lay in bed until Katrina finally says "well I guess I'll just have to go out there and show ya how it's done big boy".  Jump on it sista and show me then!  Women, somedays I could just really strangle the [censored] out of them.  She gets dressed in her orange get-up and keeping in mind we are 8 month preggo she looked like the biggest sunkist orange I have ever seen. How cute!!! She 's gone for about 15 minutes and I hear BOOM BOOM BOOM!  No freaking way man. I walk out and holler and I hear, "bring the 4-wheeler to load him up Cheyne".  Lier.  No [censored] she bagged that dude 300 yards from the trailer. Killed a 10 point buck and I'm jealous.  We went home!

 

Well I hope this blog finds everyone in great health and good spirits. It's been a while since my last blog but all with good reasoning. I'm home for a whole MONTH; actually, a little longer. So I will be here for the birth of my new daughter and Thanksgiving. The reason I have been gone for SO long is primarily due to my job as always but the opportunity that arose for me just could not be passed up considering I just built a new house, the number of kids I already have and another mouth on the way. Yee Haw I am a blessed man...I do know that. I got the opportunity to go see another section of the world with a very good pay incentive.  I seen, I done and I will be going back to Iraq. Ewww boy howdy mercy alive I do have to tell ya it is quite different.  If you haven't ever seen sand fleas....introduce your body to Iraq. What the hell?

I encountered my first experience with a taser gun while there too. My god those little puppies are not to play with!!!  You just would not believe the mass destruction to the human body that a 4 inch hand held gun looking like thang can do operating off 2 AAA batteries. I was still in search of my testicles the next day!!!

Well there has been lots of interesting things that has happened while I was there for a 5 month stitch but what do you expect. My life is actually pretty calm...I never knew there was such a thing for me but it's NICE. My kids are all doing very well and growin' like weeds. I finally got Cadence and Malakie adopted FOR REAL and Cortney chose to change for name as well so we are all sporting the Austyne name now even my ex wife. No, that is actually going quite well too. I guess me and KieLee what you would consider fantastic friends now and would do anything for the other without it affecting our significant others. It's really good. Last weekend we all decided to go blow up the karoke gin hole....I did not drink a drop, I swear....and KieLee and I sang a duet together. It must of sounded really great since we were ask to come back!!! My sweet little Katrina poo is....is.....is....BIG as a house but still beautiful. Actually she has only gained 19 lbs and I swear it is all in her belly.....it's all baby and baby water fluids. EWWWW! We still have NOT picked out a name yet...we just can't agree on anything. I'm kinda tired of doing the CHEY CHEY CHEY bit, you know what I mean. CHEYne, CHEYenne, CHEYlee, CHEYland....and on and on and on. NO MORE. She picked out CheyLynn Marie....hell no. No ,No, No. Katrina's middle name is Lynn so she decided on CheyLynn and Marie is my poor dear god sister's name.  We ain't cursing this child. Hell I was happy with "awwwwwww" that's the only thing people says or does for the first 6 months of babys life anyway. They would know their name that way. The middle name "[censored]" thats what people normally say from 6 months to 18. So there ya have it....Awwwww [censored] Austyne.

Well as much as I hate to....we are packing up and going hunting. I just can't believe that Katrina is  making me go hunting. She is practically having to break my arm to get me to go so when she has had enough of the jungle I shall return.  Have a great day and god bless ya.

Man O' Man!!!  I don't even know where to begin but the holidays are over with. THANK GOD!  You know me and Katrina took off shortly before Christmas and done some sight seeing and several activities. We made it to Pidgeon Forge, TN and caught in on the Christmas Dixie Stampede, it was pretty awesome. We seen several X-mas light displays that was just out of this world. It was so amazing.  Just beautiful!  I was more amazed at the age of 32 than I was, at like 5, when I seen X-mas lights.  Anyway, we had a really good time there and I  had several things planned ahead of time. We made like this huge loop from TN back home, like a 3000 mile loop. I had like "no ass at all" syndrome when we finally reached cow [censored] patty Oklahoma.  I think I literally had this impression on my butt from setting on a Skoal can for so long!!! WOW!  But, anyway we hit a trail ride in Missouri which was quite the adventure. We get to our trail destination and check in, do the paper work and register, right? Right. I'm looking around scouting out other participants of this fine ride and there was NO one. So I ask the young feller if we was the only ones signed up for this  ride. He told me there was another couple that was going to be brave enough to mustard the cold and the weather too. Basically he was calling us all idiots I do believe but you know what I work in worse weather so Kiss My A** city boy.  We pack our horses down and away we go on this 2 day journey. About 2 hours into the ride and not very far down the trail this man and his wife say, "you guys ever rode horses before?"  Um, yeah, why? "WE AIN'T"!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH holy [censored] Kat woman and I'm looking at Katrina and she's looking at me and we're both shaking our heads.  At this point I was trying to determine if me and Kat should smoke these people and let them tend to their little selves or tag along so if they have problems then we can help out. WHAT to do, What to do?  Well you know me, we decide to stay & tag along since this particular trail we chose was rated a 4 star and stated in bold letters VERY CHALLENGING.  Keeping in mind we're all on horses none of us knew or ever ridden before. Oh man!  As night nears its end we decided to pit stop,  build a camp fire and heat up some hot dogs & porkin' beans on the camp fire. Me and Buck venture off to find some fire wood while Kat and Bess tie up the horses and tend to them. Everything went pretty well until later that night.  I had taken a small handgun with me, one that will literally fit in your boot and never be seen and I had laid it on the ground next to our sleeping bags and blankets. Actually it was laying up on an old stump and I left it there just to let it be known to our guest that I will shoot your dumb ass if need be. But they were really nice, igornant non-horse riding folks and really didn't expect to have any problems. Anyway, I venture off into the woods because I had to go to the bathroom if you know what I mean and I hear BOOM.  Holy cow, I'm running back to camp tripping all over myself trying to get my britches up and hollering at Katrina.  When I get back to the camp fire Buck, Bessie and Kat are all looking at each other in this startled state of mind. Buck has this blowed up cigerette in his mouth and a hole in the bill of his cap. He looks at me and says, "dude that is a real honest to god gun!!!" NO [censored] sherlock what in the hell did you think it was? "I thought it was one of those gun looking fire starters or cigerette lighters!" Oh my god, dear lord help me please. No, you idiot it had a hollow point .22 shell in it!!! THANK GOD no one was hurt. Anyway, that is enough about that story. Long trail ride made short...we all survived with a whole lot of humor and adventure. I ain't never going on another trail ride with honest to god city slickers again. Nuh Uh.

Then, after that adventure, we went and gave our hands a try at snow skiing in the CO mountains. Whew, that was scarey but way fun. I started out on the bunny slopes on a tire tube looking thing and then inched my way over to a little more difficult slope. Should of stayed on the bunny slopes with the kiddies, much more safer.  Keeping your feet adjusted and positioned is way more difficult than it looks. I  literally raped this woman from the back side and off the ski slope. Man, I was  heading down hill fast and in every direction but the right one apparently. I was hollering the whole way down for someone to stop me but I guess no one had the heart to jump out and grab a 220 lb wild man on ski's. Poor woman took the blow when I had no choice but to grab her or the big big big pine tree that someone just so happen to plant in my runway. Dude, I hit her like a bag of cement, literally swooped her up and when we both hit the ground she was in my lap and we was heading over the edge. OH MY GOD, we hit the edge of that slope and down we went.  No one was hurt, THANK GOD, and when we finally stopped I just fell back in the snow and started making snow angels. She was a really nice lady, all she had to say was, "You know for not knowing you at all I had a really good time on the slopes today".  THAT'S ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY??? We could of died lady!!! Anyway, me and Katrina took her and her friend out for dinner that night just so I could continue to be humiliated and continue to apologize I think. I don't know. She probably went back home saying, "I ain't ever skiing with city slickers again!"

Anyway...that was really a low down of our holiday adventures. All in all we had a really good time but THANK GOD we're home.

Oh, yeah. I forgot. Don't bury dogs in KS. I accidently ran over this dog on the interstate in KS and Katrina being the softy that she is was blubbering and crying because it killed it. Well, you know I had this small shovel in my truck. It always stays there. Never know when you might need one for something especially in my line of work.  Nothing would do her but to bury this poor dog. Okay, whatever. So I back up, drag "Skidder" off the road and down in the grassy area, which was a little ways off the road considering WE ARE ON AN INTERSTATE. Keep in mind here it was dusky dark when this all took place.  I get this fairly large hole dug because Skidder was no little dog at all. Even in his condition.  Right about the time I get ole Skid put to rest this car pulls up behind the truck. By this time it's dark and all I see is this beam of light hit me in the eyes. OH MAN. "Hey guys, what's going on?" UMMM, we just buried a dog! "Really". Yeah, really we did. "Can I see your license and registeration please sir". Looking at Katrina I mudder I'M going to kill your dumb ass.  I HAVE to dig this dog up to prove that I really buried a dog and not human remains I guess. I was ticked and humiliated yet again but I was slinging that shovel like a three peckered goat at a goat poking contest and praying I wasn't going to jail for burying a dog along the interstate.  I had no idea how I was going to explain that  in ONE phone call. Plus, I really had no idea who in the hell I would of called to come bail me out for something like that. But, we got the dog reburied and off on our way we went after we had a cup of coffee with the officer that just happened to go to the same store we went to. I just don't get it. He actually followed us several miles or until we was out of his jurisdiction one and then I think he radioed ahead because it seemed like we met a po-po car every corner we turned.

Toodles...............Cheyne

I just wanted to take a few minutes to tell everyone Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. It looks like I will be around to enjoy Christmas after all. Hopefully my health, heart and body is all back in sink with each other...I think they finally decided to play well with each other, lets hope anyway. No, really I'm feeling quite well considering everything in the past few weeks and I do believe I am on the track to being a whole new man again.  Anyway, I just wanted to say Merry Christmas because I probably will not be home for the holidays if things go according to plan. As soon as Katrina gets off work today we are leaving for Pigeon Forge, TN to catch a little Dixie Christmas and some nice big hooters.  She really had her heart set on going to the Dolly Parton Dixie Stampede and now with me being out of work for a couple more of weeks re-cooping I figured this was a great time to go. It works out for the both of us, she likes Dolly and I like big hooters so it should all come together nicely. I figured I might as well leave the home front during this recovery period because god knows if I stay home I will be dying to get out and do some work that needs to be done around the place, work on completing our home or something. So if I'm not around I won't be tempted to do things that I might not should be doing. I just have to convince Katrina that sex is not hard, physical labor *wink*. SOMEHOW! Sex does help to burn fat and calories so that should be a healthy reason in itself. Right? Just for once I would love to have a woman that completely sees everything my way with no convincing but I doubt that ever happens. I'm sure my life span is far to short to ever encounter a woman like that.

Anyway, back to my journey...I figure we will spend several days out enjoying the scenery and everything there is to see on the way.  I have actually planned a route with several fun things to do along the way. She doesn't know it yet but we are actually going to try our hand at skiing as well. Holy cow that sounds like fun already.  I've always wanted to dig for gold and this is a perfect time of year to attempt that as well since it has gotten a little cooler outside too. Matter of fact there is several things I am going to try my hand at while I have the time to do it. Katrina is pretty active and loves a good challenge just about as much as I do and she HATES to lose which makes it even more fun on my part.  But, the truck is packed and loaded with plenty of warm clothes, blankets and all the necessities that one might need when they really have no idea where they will actually end up at. Oh yeah, I also booked us for a 2 day trail ride. Yikes, I love riding someone elses horse for that long of a time without knowing its nature. I need to pick out the oldest, grayest son of a buck I can find. Lord knows I don't need to be dropped on my head right now. Hell I'm just now getting to know who I am again. I think!

 I wish everyone a very special Christmas and a safe New Year. Please be safe and take care of each other. Life is short, I know that now.

Love, huggs and kisses........cHEYne

Oh my god for you folks that have never seen the end results of a hurricane......you need to go and check it OUT. My lord, now I have seen some "aftermaths" in my life but lordy lordy lordy. There were some A F T E R M A T H S down dere in Texas. Lordy lordy lordy.  Don't get me wrong I played a little bit with Katrina when she made her debut (Katrina the hurricane not my lil lady) but SIR IKE was the beast. I walked around for days saying "would you look at that [censored]", "can you believe that crap" I said all kinds of things in complete amazement.  I decided the money was not near good enough to stay there and do what I had done in the previous years. Nuh uh this country boy is going home this time.  It was a mess.  Anyway, lots has happened in the last few weeks that I have been gone and I figured I would pop in today and make my appearance and then I shall be gone again for a while. I can truly say that I really really like my job right now because I'm making the bucks and getting to hunt for them to.  Colorado is beautiful right now. Now that is a beautiful neck that I could get accustom to waking up to every day. It is a lil chilly right now and great weather for chili at that. I made some the other night that was the bomb. Everybody seemed to like it, even the women. There was alot of [censored]s talking [censored] that night though if you know what I mean. People was fighting over the bathroom and that continued on until the next day. That was some good chili. Good thing I remembered the tums and beano or I would have missed all the excitement. Let me tell ya when men have to pootie poo they will fight for a bathroom like a woman dying to get in and powder there blooming noses. Oh man it was funny. Sure wasn't no baby making experiences taking place that night.

What do you know about EMU's....those big ugly looking bird things that kinda looks like a ostrich with screwed up DNA.  Them bad boys can crimp your oats fast now,,,,no doubt about it. You see me and this buddy of mine decided to hunt on some land that he knew about but we was told that we better get permission from old man Wallace before going. So we did but he warned us about the EMU's that had gotten turned loose on the land and he says that they were none to friendly.  Old fart was wise and smart because he knew what he was talking about. He told us if we stumbled up on them to shoot them and get rid of them for him. He was kinda scared of them....me too now.  So one evening about dusky dark and it was a little more than duskier to be honest with ya we seen one of them laying out in the field. Me and Jessie watched it for a while but never really ever seen it move. We kept waiting and waiting for it to lift it's head up a little higher so we was for sure to get two good shots in on it. We was both going to shoot at it at the same time to make sure we kilched that dude the first time. It never moved and we figured it was pretty clever it looked like it kept looking right at us. We eventually started moving in closer and closer and the closer we would get the slower we got to moving. I think I started scaring myself not knowing exactly what it was going to do.  Boy did we feel like dumb asses once we got closer...but just for a little while did we feel that way.  You see once we got close enough it was nothing more than a fallin' limb from a tree that had a crooked bow in it that looked like a big long emu neck and head poking up from the tall grass. I punched Jess in the shoulder and called him an idiot and I got slapped in the back of the head and called a retard. Boy did we feel like iggiots. I turned around and started bitch screaming..........NO TELLINGS how long that big bird had been BEHIND us. We took off running and those things CAN RUN now. Lord can they run. That thing kept snipping at  me and making the god awfulest sound. We finally got far enough ahead of it that we thought we could turn and get a decent shot off on it....Nu huh, that dude was in our pockets that damn quick. I took the stock of my gun and swung it and busted it in the head and that bass terd SPIT on me. MY god. Jess then took a shot at it and MISSED. Before it was over with we had been SPIT on, PECKED and KICKED. They kick like a jackass. You know it took us almost an hour to finally kill it and I was so happy I was hysterical. Man, we set in the truck dying in laughter after the AFTERMATH was over with. Gosh it was funny I guess because no one really got hurt but it was kinda scarey too.  We set there and laughed at each other and swore we would never tell this story to no one and then all the sudden this big loud peck hits the top of the truck and lands in the bed of the truck.....Jess opens fire through the back glass window and starts shooting....ONCE again....it was a god forsaken limb that fell out of the tree.  Glad it wasn't my truck!

Proof: You ask me to give you proof and until last night I really didn't know how to do that considering everything we have been through together... I just thought you knew and would never forget. So, here is your proof, in front of God and anyone else that chooses to see or read this, I Do Love You and I want you to be a part of my life.  I will agree that our past lives are very much different. I know that my past did not involve you but your past did involve me.  We can't change the past but we can create a future.

Friends...that's what we started out as and good ones at that. I loved you as a friend and I still do but over time that love began to grow slowly.  I will admit that I  have ask myself, several times,  if our relationship was right or wrong ...It's right and I know that now.  I had other issues that I had to deal with before I could accept the fact we could be together as one. I know we can make it if you will accept that there still can be an US . 

Promises: I'm not big on promises anymore and we have talked about that. I promise to be good to your kids, to take care of them and love them as my own with your blessing and allowance. As far as anything else I will TRY my best to be the man that you want me to be, I will support you, honor you,  cherish you and love you for all the days of my life. I will provide for you and make sure that you are always taken care of.

Proposals: Lord, you are always "proposing" something other than just coming out and saying what the hell you want done. "Well I propose this" or " I propose that"...I hate your proposals. So I think we should stick with my recommendations, suggestions or decisions for now on to be safe??? Whatcha think?  Wait, we're not done...scroll down please.

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Now in front of God and all to prove my love

..........Katrina LaRaye Lucas...........

WILL YOU MARRY ME?

Well gosh dogs and when I say gosh dogs...DOGS is what I mean too.  Let me tell what happen to me this weekend. You know stuff is always happening to me but it's been pretty good stuff lately I guess but anyway....It was like this...I stop by the dumpsters on my way home from work Saturday night and there was these 4 beagle pups that someone had just threw out. That crap [censored]es me off to no end. I mean gosh dogs if you don't want your animals anymore have them put to sleep or shoot them but don't leave them to die a slow death of starvation and/or eat to death by ticks and fleas.  Now I do have a compassionate heart for children but I have a pretty tender heart to animals to. Anyway, I load these 4 goofy pups up, 3 boys and 1 girl, and off I go. Man, the whole way home I was thinking what in the hell am I going to do with these pups and what in the hell is Katrina going to do to me when I drag these pups home? So then I decided since I had to drive past my ex house where my ex wife lives that still has my ex dog pens I might as well take them there. So I pull up to the dog pens at like 2:30 in the morning and unload pups and start carrying water and food out to them. When it is your ex house with your ex wife living in it make sure you call before you show up in the wee morning hours unexpected because the new boyfriend may carry a gun.  Next thing I hear is BOOM, "who's out dere...I'm gonna shoot ya if ya make another move".  Whoa, Jeff it's me Cheyne. Then I tell him I'm leaving the pups for him and KieLee because they deserve a good home blah blah blah. Then the misses has to come out before I could get back in the truck and get gone. So I explain to her the sadness I felt for these poor dying pups and how they needed a good home blah blah blah. I thought I had her won over and then she walks up to me, kisses my cheek and says "nuh uh buster I was married to ya remember" and winks. I hate that! So then I have to load these blooming pups back up and I take them home and put them in the garage for the night. I crawl in bed and about 5:00 a.m. Katrina wakes me up, "you hear something".  NUH UH. "I think there's something in the garage"...NUH UH. "Go look"....NUH UH. "F**king coward I'll go look then"...."CHEYNE".....in a little mouse voice I mumble "uh huh?" So I tell her how it all happened and how I even tried to leave them with Jeff and Kie but it just didn't work out real well. So now I have these 4 beagle pups. One had a bad nick on it's nose, the lil girl loves to be patted, one I had to whack across the ass several times already for stealing boots and crap and the other I just figured I would name him Nack. So now I have Nick, Nack, Patty and Whack! Pretty cool, huh?

WOW....last night we were all setting around waiting for the safety inspector to complete his job and waiting on a tanker truck to bring in water....needless to say we had a pretty good waiting period, worse than setting in an ER to be realistic but OH WHAT THE HEY it gave us a chance to cool down and talk. After about 45 minutes some retard decided to play an honest to god game...Tell 50 things about yourself that NO ONE may know. I informed that poor feller that there was not just a whole lot of people that didn't know  me so he extended the playing field to 50 things ppl didn't know or just very few ppl that may know. STILL HARD I didn't know if I could come up with 50 things or not..........YOU TRY to do it yourself.

1.  I never wear underwear   2.  I always have a hat on my head  3. My favorite color is black

4. I'm left handed   5.  One leg is slightly shorter than the other   6.  I love Naomi Judd

5.  I do like Michael Jackson's music   6.  I've been working on rigs since I was barely 18

7. I am a recovering alcoholic  8. I spent some time in rehab  9. I still think about the love of my

life (Katelin)  10. I was an abused child  11. I wear my heart on my sleeve but can still hold a

grudge   12. I am a real [censored] and love to be one on most days  13. I'm a comedian without

even trying to be   14. I'm the only one that takes me serious  15. I have given several ass

whippin's and wore a few myself   16.  I love older women  17.  I can't stand a smartass, talk

back teenager   18.  I hate to be dirty when I'm not working   19.  I HATE mousers...they scare

me   20.  I buy a new truck every 2 to 3 years  21.  I am OCD  22. I have a particular way clothes

are folded and hangers are hung   23.  I'm not a big fan of sweet things   24.  I only wear one

brand of boots  25.  I actually like to shop  26.  I can scare myself in the dark   27.  I would love

to go visit the children at Saint Judes  28.  I have a heart condition  29.  I'm terrified of needles

30.  I have a real heart for children even when not mine   31.  I am actually a good daddy and

one that cares  32. Some of my dearest friends are my ex's  33.  I would actually die for my

father if it meant others would be happy  34.  I can't stand the sight of blood   35.  I have a gun

collection no one would believe  36.  I've never really ever had a broken bone  37.  I love to ride

rough stock  38. I've been in jail for stupid stuff on my part  39. I do have a college education

and a Bachelor's degree  40.  I love to have a good time  41. I like karoke   42.  I can dance 

43.  Baby puke and dirty diapers still make me gag   44.  I will not FLY...I hate planes  

45.  I have wore women's clothes before (for [censored] and giggles)   46.  If I'm not picking on ya I

don't like you at all   47.  My favorite time of the day is actually NIGHT   48.  I'm very neat and

detailed  49.  I can't stand clutter  50.  I'm smarter than I act and look!

Man O Man O Man....I just really hate it when I'm right.  I had this bet going with some of my buddies that women say one thing but they really do another...which is not uncommon they just usually won't admit it. BUT, I had this bet that women really say that , "it doesn't matter what a man is like on the outside but what is on the inside"....BULL[censored]!  So in my efforts to prove my point and instill in the minds of others that women really do take more into consideration in WHAT A MAN LOOKS LIKE ON THE OUTSIDE vs. What is on the inside...and I mean within the heart not within the pants.  SOOOOOOO, the first thing I did to prove my point in what I had been preaching was...I told my buddies, GO ASK MY EX WIFE. My ex is all about pretty and all about looks. So this past weekend, to also prove my point, I tell my pals that we are going to the country club on Friday and Saturday both and I was going to prove my point yet again. Friday night...me and Katrina, KieLee and Jeff, Judd and Alexis and some others all go to the club,,,,I show up late as part of my plan for the other to set back and watch my entrance. I come looking like I had just got off work...I had matter of fact...I had on wore out jeans with grease on them, old boots, a ball cap, a nasty t-shirt, dirty hands and elbows, A REAL GREASE MONKEY, didn't smell all that terrific and a set of 3 day old whiskers on my face. YUCK!!!  The first look I got was from....MY EX, the second Katrina...so I go over and set down at this table by myself and I set there for a long time with no women hardly even giving me the time of day. Saturday night....we all go back....I walked in with new jeans pressed to the max, a nice dress shirt that was tucked in with a nice gold buckle, gold chain, watch, braclet, shined up boots, fresh cologne, nice shaved, and a cowboy hat and my Tom Cruise sun glasses....OH YEAH BABY...I was looking pretty good for an old man as opposed to the night before!!!  Now....there was a BUNCH of the same women out Friday night that was out Saturday night too. Now, "hey cowboy your looking fine wanna dance"...SURE but why didn't you ask me last night? "Hey can I set at your table"...Why didn't you set at my table last night???  "Care to sing a song or two with me"....WHY NOT but I could sing last night too!!!  "Yo baby can you give momma a ride home tonight"....NOPE, my ex-wife and girl friend is here tonight too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! **SNORT**. Oh boy. See what I mean...looks are more than women say they are...not a woman one touched my ass or rubbed up against my.......you know what on Friday night but made plenty of effort on Saturday.  Who ya kiddin...not this fool because I clearly proved my POINT yet again............................cHEYne

I have told people for a number of years that I make a better ex than I do being what ever I was before being classified as an "ex."  My divorce has proven me right and now I can honestly say I knew I was right even when people told me that it wasn't so.  Don't get me wrong I have had several pretty serious relationships and when I say serious I mean actually fight over which way the toilet paper is put on the roller and then for some reason or another things get down right [censored]ty(in the relationship....I wasn't referring to the toilet paper b/c we know it'll  get [censored]ty sometimes too) but in the end I usually end up making a pretty decent ex if I allow it.

Now, I got a divorce and I mean a DIVORCE.  I really didn't come out that bad I suppose in the end because I learned COMPROMISE and NEGOTIATION...I thought I knew all about compromise and negotiation before but I didn't have a clue!  Now, I hated this B*#ch and was looking to rip her head off in every possible way in the end. I was going to have to work for the rest of my life to give her things that I didn't have to begin with in the marriage nor acquired through the marriage literally.  I was beginning to think that I needed to commit a horrible crime and get life without parole just so I was assured 3 hots and a cot. Then...I compromised and negotiated myself out of my house and some of the surrounding land, a fancy horse trailer, a high dollar vehicle and some horses to boot I guess, since I already carried insurance on ALL the kids I kept that part of it too and all the major medical bills that we had when my son and daughter was born....trust me, even though I have to maintain the her house payment, kids medical insurance and had to pay off the medical bill it was far cheaper on my butt!!! So.........after all this and the hashing out of who was living with who and visitation.........I was livid. So now I am officially considered the EX!

Then come JEFF! Jeff,Jeff, Jeff....God I love you man. Thanks for being so good to my kids and my EX!  Jeff is now KieLee's new beau...I AM OFFICIALLY THE EX of EX's now.  Life is good. Me and KieLee came to a better understanding of how things really needed to work for our children's sake and well being. ...the courts doesn't know that crap they just make it up and assign the same crap to everyone that gets a divorce because it is considered "standard"!!!  We have tweeked a few things as far as who is living with who and how visitation will work.

Now after all of this bull lark and months of fighting and feuding things are pretty easy. Not only are me and Jeff friends but me and Kie has something now that we never even had in our last years of marriage...I know when she chooses me as a shoulder to cry on and blubber about her feelings getting hurt by another man and ask my OPINION and actually consider trying what I suggest for once rather than thinking I'm a complete idiot, when she can tell her new man to bring something that is broke to her old man for fixing and they both can come together and set around and we can say "hey you remember when me and you.....blah blah blah" and everyone is rolling on the floor laughing, when we can set and think about all the [censored] we done to each other and get past it and almost be spitting on each other trying to talk first of who really did what and almost crying hysterically about it.........I MAKE A BETTER EX.  KieLee and Jeff....best of luck to ya friends and may god bless ya. You have my support and admiration in all that you may wish for in life...as long as it doesn't involve another red penny from me***wink***.  Katrina....you just have to deal with the fact that I purposely step on the toilet paper roll every time I put it on there so that it "bump bumps" **SNORT** around the roller since it doesn't make a damn to ya how it is placed on the roller. 

.........................................................................cHEYne.................................................................................

 

You make me sick!!! Who me? Yeah you, have you ever really just looked at yourself? Yeah, when I have to why? You know, your really pretty cute and your really funny but you make me sick!!! Can you believe that anyone could say such a harsh thing to me? This happen to be the conversation between me and a pretty attractive younger woman this 4th of July weekend.  You see me and Katrina decided to take all the kiddos to the swimming pool and then on out to the lake to celebrate the holiday weekend. Since I no longer have a swimming pool to call mine anymore I figured the local pool would be an okay type deal. When a woman says, "dear, it's going to be crowded".....listen to her because she is probably right.  But....we load the ball team up:  Cheyne D., Cheyenne, CheyLee(my ex was nice enough to let me have them even though it wasn't my week) Cadence, Malakie, Ethan and lil Austyne Shain.  Man O'live when we got there the POOL WAS LIKE FLOODED with rug rats, the kiddy pool that is and seeming all of our kids are like under the age of 3 the kiddy pool is where we needed to be.  So I holler, "load up"...lord god did this cause mass destruction. So we all pile back in the vehicles and to the store we go. I get out and go make my purchase and back to the pool we go. I had a plan!!! **Wink**. After about an hour watching all the children fight for the their place in the pool I decide to implement my plan...still being the only one that knows what is fixing to go down. So I stand up and say, "everyone out of the pool....EVERYONE OUT OF THE POOL", as they all climb out I explain that I have to add this solution to the pool that will steralize the pool as well as make the water red when lil bodies [censored] in the pool. **Snort**.  Believe me I am getting some pretty bizzare looks, not only by parents but the kids as well.  Then after about 45 minutes I holler, "everyone out of the pool....YO BUTT MUNCHES everyone out of the pool". Again, they all climb out including the adults that find the kiddy pool the perfect place to bathe their fat asses in the sun and take up the kids space... but I had a plan.  After everyone is out I SET DOWN in the pool by my little lonesome and all this red stuff starts trickling out of my shorts....I stand up and said, "HEY IT WORKS".  Good gosh you should of seen the people clear out and the ones that didn't wasn't in the pool long after that because I think the parents got tired of running back and forth to the bathroom!!! Anyway, this pretty attractive younger woman I spoke of earlier stands up and ask if I had really ever just looked at myself. After she gets done chewing my ass, my 20 year old daughter and 32 year old momma get done with me, the male spectator makes the statement of the red food coloring stains on my legs and the teenage girl that tells her mother it looks like I  started my period I was quite pleased with myself because at least the kids was getting to swim and play now.  But back to this pretty attractive younger woman...she just won't let it go....so I begin to be apologetic and sweet and whatever whatever and she finally calms down we start really talking pretty civil with each other. Getting these strange looks not only from Katrina but Courtney too they are now starting to figure out that I must be up to something. Damn, right I am. I've lived, I've learned and I have decided that you treat others the way you want to be treated ...especially when it is a woman.  This cowboy will not get suckered again I can rest you assure of that. I have wisened up when it comes to the female breed but I guess a divorce and other down hill female floods will do that to ya. But anyway, I'm chit chating with this lady, Adrianna, and I notice that she has a ring on her finger. I ask her about it and she tells me she is engaged to a wonderful man BLAH BLAH BLAH. Perfect!!! As the time goes by I invite her and her son to the lake for our cookout...holy cow she accepts my offer. How cool is that?  Once we all get to the lake we have a blast with jet ski's and all that jazz and when the smoke started coming off the ole burgers every tom, dick and harry showed up!  WOW. But hey Adrianna is holding firm with everyone. Then my ex and her boyfriend shows up to get the kids and I invite them to go ahead and stay so that his kids can play on the jet ski's and have some fun too. They accept my offer as well. WOW, how cool is that. I'm suchhhhhh a nice guy. As night is closing in Adrianna ask me what I was doing the rest of the night."  I'm SCARED NOW but it is going great...so I start macking on her a little and you know blah blah blah and I slide the ring off her finger and ask if she can forget about what's his name for a little bit. She thinks that she just might be able to do that and then I crack the ole whip.....I look at her  with "that look", you know the one that says I wanna have sex with you kinda look and say in a whisper, "have you ever really ever just looked at yourself". Needless, to say the night ended with me getting the dog [censored] slapped out me but that can't hurt as bad as in forgetting to get your engagement ring back from the man that took it off your finger before you slapped him. Good thing I'm a nice guy otherwise think how painful it would be in me delivering the ring to the man that give it to Adrianna!!! OUCH.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Hope you had a great 4th of July weekend and really  just look at yourself before you make judgement upon others because more than likely you have done just as bad if not worse than they have. Have a Blessed day.....................Chey

CheyLee,

Happy birthday baby girl. It's hard to believe that on this day two years ago I had yet another perfect little angel coming into my life. I'm so glad your my little girl and so happy to be your daddy.  You make my life full and complete as does your brother's and sister's. I couldn't imagine my life without you. You have changed in so many ways and the way you make everyone laugh is a true sign that good things shall always come your way. I wish and hope the best for you everyday and for your entire life. When you was born you  had life's little battles to deal with but you was a fighter and made it through them all. I love you CheyLee....Daddy

 

Cheyland,

My son, my dream and my angel. Happy Birthday son,  I came to see you today too but you was sleeping.  I tried to be quite and not wake you. The fishing pole I left at your head for when you woke up and decided to join me at the creek. I'll probably be there most of the day if you decide to come fishing with your ole man...I'll wait for you.  I planted you a small tree that will grow big and strong as you already have...didn't figure you was much into those girly flowers!

May the good lord be with you my son, down every road you roam. And may sunshine and happiness surround you when your far from home.  And may you grow to be proud, dignified and true.  Do unto others as youd have done to you. Be courageous and be brave and in my heart you will stay FOREVER YOUNG.  May good fortune be with you. May your guiding light be strong. Build a stairway to heaven with a prince or a vagabond. And may you never love in vain and in my heart  you will remain FOREVER YOUNG. And when you finally fly away I'll be hoping that I served you well for all the wisdom of a lifetime no one can ever tell. But my son, whatever road you choose know your daddy is right behind you, win or lose and in my heart you will remain Forever Young.  

Cheyland Kyler Austyne   June 17, 2006 to June 24, 2006........F o R e V e R    Y o u n G!!!   

Daddy loves you.

I woke up this morning and realized that life is life. Life is a living, colorful, joyful, hurtful, painful, etc...kind of  thing.  Life makes people happy, sad, mad, and all the emotions that can run through a person....that is LIFE. It is made up of all the elements that we see, hear, smell and taste and touch...that is LIFE. Does "life" change or do we change "life"??? Actually, WE all change life, we attempt to change life so that it better suits ourselves, to make situations and issues better for others and things of that sort.  Why? We're attempting to change things that one perfect person created way way before our time. So, in the attempts to try to change things that once was very perfect we have to ask ourselves if we are sinful in doing so or is that just LIFE.  You know I hear people say, "oh she/he has the perfect life". No, they don't...there is no such thing as a perfect life because at some point and time everyone is going to make mistakes, hurt someone, lose someone, say things they don't mean, do things they are going to regret and blah blah blah. Those are not characteristics of a PERFECT LIFE!  I currently have and had friends that dwell on the negative...BOY that is real inspiring but I guess that is life. You know I really don't get  why people dwell on the past for days and nights over the same thing especially when it is the past and is no longer an issue. LET IT GO...we have the ability to change life for the good or the bad, we've been doing it for years. It's your life and how are you going to live it....tunneled up deep inside a dark, cold, batty cave or under blue skies and green meadows??? Hey man it's your life and you have the capability of living it how you want to...You choose how you want to live it; bottled up in self pity hoping someone will catch you before you fall or standing on your on two feet knowing that life is a whole lot worse for someone else??? Why am I saying all this now....because sadly as it is I really just discovered what life was all about and what it was really really made of. Life is not what someone else makes of it for you but how you choose to make your own life. Yes, there will always be hurdles that you trip over and tight ropes that you lose your footing on but IT IS your inner strength to figure out how to get back up and walk again.  I have endured a lot since I was old enough to walk to current day. I had a very abusive father, started living and supporting myself directly after high school, lost the love of my life, high school sweetheart and unborn child due to a automobile accident, lost a good friend in a car accident, battled the thought of losing my mother to cancer, lost my 7 day old son due to a defective heart, was wrote out of the life of certain someones, lost my best friend in a hunting accident right before my eyes, battled alcohol abuse and lived in rehab for a period of time and got a divorce. But the moral of the story......I can still get up and walk through life and know what the true meaning of life really is and how to manage the hurdles and tight ropes that trip you up.

MAN O MAN....I really jinxed myself the other night by making the statement to a dear friend that jail was no place that I haven't ever been before.  Not that I was really wanting or expecting to go back so soon but I DID. I wasn't really being bad just not being really smart in my nature of manhoood I suppose.  You see it was like this...there is only some things in life that I am really really good at and that takes very little to no expertise to do and that is hunting. I don't have to rush, I don't have be in a big hurry, it's cheap, it's fun, it's quite and peaceful and I can be myself in doing it. But.......that has all changed now, this deer hunting trip turned into expensive, not so fun, loud and distractful and me trying to hurry up and get the hell out of dodge. Anyway, as I was saying.......I've hunted for many years and really enjoy the sport of it all but I managed to get my dumb ass tossed like a salad the other night. I was really enjoying myself, having a blast and not thinking about anyone or anything in particular...just being Cheyne was all.  I had already killed a fairly nice little doe deer and throwed her in the ass end of my pickem up truck and I was looking for her mate that was sporting a nice set of racks. I'm always looking for a nice set of racks if you know what I mean!!! It was dark and I pulled out the ole spot light which is highly illegal as most of you may know and if you didn't YOU DO NOW! So I'm driving down the road...SPOTLIGHTING....I remind you... when I see this nice set of racks!!! I stop and look at it for a while, pulled my gun up and BOOOOOM. That mother f#*^er blew up like a god dang chicken feathered mattress. Holy [censored]....I just shot a dummy deer put out by the Oklahoma Department of Wildlife and one that happened to be monitored by not only the wildlife boys but the boys in blue. F*#K!!! I first made the attempts to run like hell because I knew it was going to be bad and as I topped the hill....[censored], they called for backup I guess or they knew the ones setting in the woods with their f*#%ing deer had a box of dognuts because they were there in a heartbeat. I closed my eyes real hard and tight and thought that maybe when they opened everyone but me and my deer would be gone. Didn't work out that way because when I opened them I just went ahead and stepped out of the ole truck, locked it up and held out my wrist because there was more lights flashing than I had seen in a long time....hell you would of thought I killed someone rather than a god forsakin' deer.  So they cuffed and stuffed me and took me to the county jail and booked my dumbass. Them guys act like I did something really really bad because I got the gosh dog books threw at me and they didn't miss either time they was throwing. They set me in on a $15,000 bond and charged me with more counts than I have fingers on one hand to count them on.

Count 1.....Shooting a doe deer out of season  (this was the time of season you can only kill the boy deer)

Count 2.....Shooting wildlife with improper firearms (this was the time of week you was suppose to kill the BOY deer with a MUZZLE LOADER not a 30.06 rifle)

Count 3.....Carcass in possession with no tags (what the hell do they need a tag for THEIR DEAD)

Count 4.....Spotlighting ( have to see the dumb deer somehow IT'S DARK)

Count 5.....Shooting state planted monitoring device (big sentence for basically meaning, "THE DUMBASS SHOT A DUMMY DEER)

Count 6.....Attempts to eluding a police officer (Damn right I didn't want them taking the deer I already had)

Anyway, this all started around 6:50 on  Sunday night when I got a wild hair up my ass all the sudden to go hunting and now wished I would of just stayed home. And that [censored] of big colored boys only showing up in the movies really happen because I had a big colored boy by the name of BUBBA that I got to share my jail cell with or I should say he shared with me because he was already there when I got there. He thought my hair was sexy!!! Oh God help me. I was ever so glad when the little chested woman with a big bo bo came in and said, "Mr. Austyne is there anyone you would like to call or have us call for you".  "Yeah,,,,my momma and tell her that Bubba thinks my hair is sexy and that I love her".  Just kidding. I called my brother who was probably at my soon to be ex house sucking on my soon to be ex wife's toes. But that all doesn't really matter because I told him where to find the cash that I had hid and to come and get my ass before Bubba thought something else was more appealing than my hair!!! Oh lord forgive me for my sins!!!  AND to TOP it ALL OFF....they kept my GOD FORSAKIN' Deer!!! 

So keep in mind that if you play you pay in all things that you do but if you have 1500.00 for a bails bondsman and have the notion to go Oklahoma deer hunting call me, Cheyne Austyne, for all your needs. And....especially for the ladies I now inspect big racks free of charge and offer my personal assistance in mounting them for you...**WINK**

God Bless and have a wonderful day.............Chey

Okay, this is a bit strange and weird I realize, even for me, but after what started out as a humerous texting conversation turned into quite the ordeal between me and Kelli for nearly 2 hours.  Now I can't even remember how this conversation got started.......Oh, yes I do now that I think of it but I best not disclose that information at this time.  Anyway what this in depth conversation lead into was, WHY is there a hole in the front of men's briefs??? You think we are actually going to take the time to use it? You think we, as males, is actually going to take the time to poke our goober through that hole and then have to poke it back through when we're done? And......being realistic and honest here, who really wants to bend and twist his pride and joy around to get it out of this hole when it is faster and easier to just pull it over the top of the elastic band of the under roos? Also, we all know or most of us do, that a man's winky has the tendency to "expand" and "grow" when he has to urinate badly. So that means that we have to attempt to stretch out our undies over the master's head to get him through this hole...who has time to do that and who wants to? I mean when you have to go you have to go and sometimes you just don't have time to talk to your partner and ask him to make this process as simple as possible, "okay pal I really need to go here so you are just going to have to participate and stick your head and neck out for me this time"....YEAH RIGHT!!! WE GONNA WHIP THAT PUPPY OUT OVER THE EDGE........literally. Then as I get to thinking more and more about this hole...it really starts to bother me in the sense that it is USELESS. Plus, think how long it takes to build a pair of underwear? Think how much time could be saved if they deleted that HOLE and just placed extra material in that area for support. I mean logic tells me if they can save time building undies then they should be able to cut the cost as well.  Everyone would love to wear cost effective undies....I know they would. Then the big question arose during this conversation........WHY WAS I worried about it when I don't wear them anyway!  Don't matter if I wear them or not........bottom line is, I got to thinking about it and it makes no sense as to why it is there. NONE what so ever. I mean think about it and do the math yourself and ask yourself if your a man....Do I or Do I not use the hole and for you women out there ask your husband, boyfriend or goobered friend if he uses the hole. I bet 98% tells you NO. See this even went further than this when I surveyed my crew and the 2nd crew as well here where I work....out of 16 men not a ONE used the hole and only ONE doesn't have a hole to use(that would be me). I live with a.........nevermind. Anyhoo, then I ask Kelli to get into a men's chat room and ask them this very question as well. SHE DID....curosity got the best of her too or she wouldn't of done it.  Out of 6 men in that room only one used the hole. She figured he was young....I figured he was the only one with a small enough goober to actually take the time to use the hole because it wasn't much of a fight getting it through but I don't know. Who am I to judge....I'm Cheyne, that's who and that leaves me entitled to judge I suppose.  Anyway...me and Kelli will be doing some more surveying on this subject and when we feel we have enough stats and info to argue our case with Fruit of a Loom and other leading holey panty companies we will.  I figure by this time in 3 months or so we will be the new producers of holeless undies and rich and famous. We will be on billboards and plastered on the side of the buses that run up and down main street of New York. You watch.