I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.

The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs rpsoet it.

• If you toss a penny 10,000 times, it will not be heads 5000 times, but more like 4950. The heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the bottom.
  
• Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
  
• The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. The only other word with the same amount of letters is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconioses, its plural.
  
• Hydroxydesoxycorticosterone and hydroxydeoxycorticosterones are the largest anagrams.
  
• An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
  
• Ben and Jerry's send the waste from making ice cream to local pig farmers to use as feed. Pigs love the stuff, except for one flavor: Mint Oreo.
  
• Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
  
• Wilma Flintstone's maiden name was Wilma Slaghoopal, and Betty Rubble's maiden name was Betty Jean McBricker.
  
• 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
  
• Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
  
• The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life."
  
• It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog throws up its stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of its mouth. Then the frog uses its forearms to dig out all of the stomach's contents and then swallows the stomach back down again.
  
• The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
  

This blonde fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws. The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day."

So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day," the man tells himself. So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords.

The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer," the man says to himself.

The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, "Hmm, it looks fine."

Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the blonde responds, "What's that noise?”

A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it."
Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow.
The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to K-Mart now?"

It's English!

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;
but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;
yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet,
and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
but though we say mother, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

The Spell Chequer
Owed Two A Spell Chequer

Eye halve a spelling chequer,
it came with my pea sea.
It plainly marques, four my revue,
miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
and weight four it two say,
Weather eye am wrong oar write
it shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid,
it nose bee fore two long.
And eye can put the error rite
it's rare lea ever wrong

Eye have run this poem threw it,
I am shore your pleased two no.
Its letter perfect awl the weigh,
my chequer tolled me sew

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned, couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it, mainly because it was a so-so job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.
Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

It is with the saddest heart that I pass on the following. Please join me in remembering a great icon. The Pillsbury Dough boy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was only 51. Dough boy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay there respects, including Mrs. Butter worth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch.

The gravesite was piled high with flours, as long-time friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Dough boy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he even still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions. Toward the end it was thought that he would rise again, but alas, he was no tart.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his Elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about twenty minutes

I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your chain letters over the past two years. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Because of your concern.......
--- I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
--- I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
--- I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
--- I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
--- I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
--- I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
--- I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
--- I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our troops.
--- I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
--- I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
--- I no longer go to bars because someone will drug me and take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.
--- Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to 7 of my friends and make a wish within 5 minutes.
--- I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who has been dying for the past seven years.
--- I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

--- Now to Return the Favor: If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird with diarrhea will fly over your head at 5:00 PM and the fleas of a thousand camels will infest your armpits. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a friend of a friend's neighbor's cousin, and he's a lawyer. So you'd better get going on that e-mail!!!

"Hard drive" - Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.
"Keyboard" - Place to hang your truck keys.
"Window" - Place in the truck to hang your guns.
"Modem" - How you got rid of your dandelions.
"ROM" - Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.
"Byte" - First word in a kiss-off phrase.
"Reboot" - What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.
"Network" - Activity meant to provide bait for your trout line.
"Mouse" - Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case.
"LAN" - To borrow as in, "Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck."
"Cursor" - What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.
"bit" - A wager as in, "I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the porch long ways."
"digital control" - What yore fingers do on the TV remote.
"packet" - What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip.