Something fun to do .......


Naughty or Nice
Ya all have to post your answers on the bottom of the page in the comments and i will post the results for you to tell you if you are naughty or nice . ....lol

Example : Question 1) Often 2) Smile welcomingly, and check
out the source.

Don't be shy , when you all are done i will put mine up. :)


This statement applies to you: "I'm hot and I know it!"
No!
Maybe.
Often.
Definitely!

2. If you were strolling and someone whistled at you, you
would...
Be certain they were whistling at someone else.
Pretend you didn't hear it and keep walking.
Hold your head high and accept the compliment with a smile.
Smile welcomingly, and check out the source.

3. You're confident in bed.
Only when I'm sleeping.
More comfortable than confident.
Sometimes.
Oh, yeah!

4. You like to give your lover sensual surprises:
No!
Rarely.
Sometimes.
Quite often.

5. When it comes to lovemaking, there's nothing you wouldn't
try.
I prefer routine.
I have limits.
I like to experiment.
Right on!

6. You can openly express exactly what you want?
No!
Sometimes.
To a large degree.
Yes. No holds barred!

7. You prefer the bold over the muted, the spicy over the
mild, the hot over the cold...
No. That doesn't describe me at all.
Occasionally.
I prefer a mix of things in life.
All the time--the hotter and wilder the better.

8. You like to shed all inhibition and be yourself.
Never!
Occasionally.
Sometimes.
All the time!

9. When it comes to a night of passion, you like to dress the
part?
Never!
No, but it might be fun.
Occasionally.
Yes! The sexier the better!

10. You aren't opposed to be being tied up?
That's not my bag!
I might try it!
The thought has appeal.
It sounds delightful!

11. You've purchased books, etc., to make your love life more
satisfying.
Never!
No, but I'm not opposed to the idea.
A few times.
My trunk overflows.

12. A romantic dinner, followed by a long steamy bubble bath
for two would make a perfect evening.
No. that doesn't interest me.
I'd rather dream about it.
Possibly.
When can we start?

13. For Valentine's Day, you would rather give your love?
Flowers or Chocolates
Some meaningful memento of love.
A book of erotic poetry.
Sexy lingerie or toys.

14. Making love in an unusual location (for instance outdoors,
the backseat, the kitchen, etc.) has appeal to you?
Absolutely not!
Not much.
It depends on where and with whom.
Yes!

15. Do you often fantasize? And would you share those
fantasies with your love?
No.
Sometimes, but I'd keep it to myself.
Yes, but I wouldn't reveal all.
Oh, yeah!

* Why don't men wear tight underwear?
It cuts off circulation to the brain!
* Why do men have broad shoulders and big foreheads?
When you ask them a question, they shrug their shoulders and say, "I don't know."
When you tell them the answer, they slap their foreheads and say, "Ohhhhhh."
* Why are vibrators better than men?
Because they never screw other women, never come in drunk, and you don't have to do their laundry!
* Why do men die before their wives?
They should.
* What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need........
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need
* How does a man keep his youth?
By giving them money, furs and diamonds.
* Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment?
A mental hospital.
* What's the most common cause of hearing loss amongst men?
Wife saying she wants to talk to him.
* Why are hangovers better than men?
Hangovers will go away.
* How are men and batteries different?
Batteries have a positive side.
* Why is virginity like a baloon?
All it takes is one small prick and it's gone.
* What is the difference between garbage and men?
Garbage gets thrown out and stays out!
* How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
No one knows, the ex-wife always gets the house.
* Why are men like strawberries?
Because they take a long time to mature and by the time they do most are rotten.
* Why is urine yellow and sperm white?
So men can tell if they are coming or going.
* Why does a man have a clear conscience?
Because it's never used.
* What do UFO's and caring men have in common?
You keep hearing about them but never see any for yourself.
* Why is dating like a game of cards?
Because if you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
* How do you confuse a man?
You don't have to - they're born that way
* Why don't women like basketball players as lovers?
Because they dribble before they shoot.
* What are the three types of men?
The handsome, the caring and the majority
* What's the nicest thing about a nudist wedding?
You don't have to ask - you can see who the best man is.
* What should you do if your boyfriend starts smoking?
Slow down
* What's the difference between a man and a chimpanzee?
One is hairy, smelly and is always scratching himself. The other is a chimpanzee.
* How can you tell if your husband's dead?
Sex is the same but you get the remote.
* What food describes most men?
Jerky.
* Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome, a good lover and a stimulating partner?
In the pages of a romance novel.
* How do we know men invented maps?
Who else would make an inch into a mile?
* Why did they kick the man out of the airport?
He kept throwing stale bread at the plane.
* What's the hardest thing to teach a man?
How to operate a waste basket.
* What's the difference between a man and a messy room?
You can straighten up a messy room.
* Did you hear about the two men who went ice fishing?
They caught 200 pounds of ice, but drowned when they tried to cook it.
* Then there's the jigsaw puzzle for men.
It only has one piece, And most of the time, it's missing.
* Why did God create men?
She forgot to put the legs on snakes.
* Why women like bidets?
Because men don't know what they are.
* How do you get a man on the roof?
Tell him the beers on the house.
* Do you always tell your husband when you've had an orgasm?
No way! I'm not going to call home every time!
* When does a man develop a brain?
The day he gets married.
* Why did the man sell his water skis?
He couldn't find a lake on a hill.
* How can you tell if a man is a Male Chauvinist Pig?
He thinks "harass" is two words
* Why don't men die in their sleep?
'Cuz they can't do two things at the same time.
* What do you call a caring, considerate and gifted man?
A Myth.
* Why do women always wear black to bed?
To mourn the dead pricks beside them!!
* Why did God Create man first?
1. Practice makes perfect.
2. Give us someone to bitch at immidately.
3. There's a frist draft with anything.
4. To see what needed to be fixed and then make the proper changes.
5. First is the worst.........Second is the best!
6. To be funny
* Woman: "I got a set of golf clubs for my husband"
Friend: "GREAT trade!"
* How do you scare a man ?
Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.
* Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?
* Did you really throw your husband out on the street naked, for taking a bath with Bubbles?
Yes I did, and I threw Bubbles out too.
* Why do men prefer blondes?
Men always like intellectual company.
* "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
* How does the single woman get rid of roaches?
She asks them for a commitment.
* If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties?
How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?
* Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.
* How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.
* Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.
* How does a man show he's planning for the Future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
* How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.
* How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.
* Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
* Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.
* What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. A dog is always happy to see you
B. A dog only takes a couple of months to train
* Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.
* Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.
* What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
* What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.
B. Penicillin
* Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
* What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.
* What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.
* Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
* What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.
* How is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.
* What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.
* Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.
* Why do men name their [censored]es?
Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the one who makes all their decisions.
* Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because they already have boyfriends.
* Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
He had it bronzed.
* How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
Two ways to cross a river.
* What's the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
* Why are men like chocolate candies?
They look good on the outside but once it gets inside you, it's either too small, gross, or stuck to the top.
* What's black and blue and lying in a ditch?
A man who told too many blonde jokes.
* What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.
* How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".
* Why did God create man?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
* Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A.So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
B.So they wouldn't stop to play with every other man they see when you take them around the block.
* What is the thinnest book in the world?
"What men know about women."
* How many men does it take to screw a light bulb?
A.One - men will screw anything.
B.One - men will screw up anything.
C.Five - one to actually do the screwing, four to listen to him brag about it
* How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.
* What is a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.
* How can you tell if a man is aroused?
He's breathing.
* What's the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.
* How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
* What do men and beer have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.
* How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
Who knows? Did it ever happen??
* How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.
* What is a man's idea of doing housework?
Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.
* What is the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
* What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack.
* Do you know why bankers are good lovers?
They know first hand the penalty for early withdrawal.
* Do you know why men have holes in the end of their [censored]es?
So oxygen can get into their brains
* How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes
* Why is it good that there are women astronauts?
So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for directions
* How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomach everytime they see a bikini.
* Why do men like blonde jokes so much?
Because they can understand them
* What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A. No mind.
B. No business.
* Why is a woman different from a PC?
A woman won't accept a 3½" floppy."
* What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
Exchange him.
* Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites Attract.
* What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
* Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the [censored]es off the smart ones.
* Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
* What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
* Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.
* What do men and pantyhose have in common?
They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!
* Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
* You know there is a company selling real brains for transplant now?
A male brain costs $75000 and a female brain costs $25000
The female brains are sold as "used"
* Men-tal Anxiety. . . Men-opause. . . Men-tal Breakdown. . .
Ever noticed that all problems start with MEN?
* Why did the man cross the road?
Who knows why the hell men do anything?
* How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
* Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.
* How is an ex-husband like an inflamed appendix?
It caused you a lot of pain, and after it was removed you found out you didn't need it anyway.
* Why is a hard man good to find?
You don't have to stay up half the night massaging his ego.
* What's the best way to kill a man?
Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
* How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder to "Instruction Manual."
* Why do women make better soldiers than men?
Because they can bleed for a week and still not die

Study Carefully.....the clues are so blatant you will be kicking yourself if you miss them!Post your answers in comments section .




Mystery one:

A man was found murdered Sunday morning.
His wife immediately called the police.
The police questioned the wife and staff and got these answers:
The wife said she was sleeping.
The cook was preparing breakfast.
The gardener was gathering vegetables.
The maid was getting the mail.
The butler was polishing shoes in the pantry.
The police instantly arrested the murderer.

Who did it and how did they know?


Mystery two:

A man walks into his bathroom and shoots himself right between the eyes using a real gun with real bullets. He walks out alive, with no blood anywhere and no, he didn't miss and he wasn't Superman or any other crusader
wearing a cape.

How did he do this?


Mystery three:

Old Mr. Tidy was found dead in his study by Mr. Fiend. Mr. Fiend recounted his dismal discovery to the police:

'I was walking by Mr. Tidy's house when I thought I would just pop in for a visit. I noticed his study light was on and I decided to peek in from the outside to see if he was in there. There was frost on the window, so I had to wipe it away to see inside. That is when I saw his body. So I kicked in the front door to confirm my suspicions of foul play.

I called the police immediately afterward.'

The officer immediately arrested Mr. Fiend for the murder of Mr. Tidy.

How did he know Mr. Fiend was lying?

The following was developed by the Department of Psychiatry at Harvard
Medical School to assess mental age.
Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without making a
mistake. The average person over 40 cannot do it. Can you?

1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is person cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down, and I
bet you can't resist passing this on!

CAPRICORN - The Go-Getter
Patient and wise. Practical and rigid. Ambitious. Tends to be good-looking. Humorous and funny. Can be a bit shy and reserved. Often pessimists. Capricorns tend to act before they think and can be unfriendly at times. Hold grudges. Like competition. Get what they want.
AQUARIUS - The Sweetheart
Optimistic and honest. Sweet personality. Very independent. Inventive and intelligent. Friendly and loyal. Can seem unemotional. Can be a bit rebellious. Very stubborn, but original and unique. Attractive on the inside and out. Eccentric personality.
PISCES - The Dreamer
Generous, kind, and thoughtful. Very creative and imaginative. May become secretive and vague. Sensitive. Don't like details. Dreamy and unrealistic. Sympathetic and loving. Kind. Unselfish. Good kisser. Beautiful.

ARIES - The Daredevil
Energetic. Adventurous and spontaneous. Confident and enthusiastic. Fun. Loves a challenge. EXTREMELY impatient. Sometimes selfish. Short fuse (easily angered). Lively, passionate, and sharp wit. Outgoing. Lose interest quickly - easily bored. Egotistical. Courageous and assertive. Tends to be physical and athletic.

TAURUS - The Enduring One
Charming but aggressive. Can come off as boring, but they are not. Hard workers. Warm-hearted. Strong, has endurance. Solid beings who are stable and secure in their ways. Not looking for shortcuts. Take pride in their beauty. Patient and reliable. Make great friends and give good advice. Loving and kind. Loves hard - passionate. Express themselves emotionally. Prone to ferocious temper-tantrums. Determined. Indulge themselves often.
Very generous.
GEMINI - The Chatterbox
Smart and witty. Outgoing, very chatty. Lively, energetic. Adaptable but needs to express themselves. Argumentative and outspoken. Likes change. Versatile. Busy, sometimes nervous and tense. Gossips. May seem superficial or inconsistent, But is only changeable. Beautiful physically and mentally.

CANCER - The Protector
Moody, emotional. May be shy. Very loving and caring. Pretty/handsome. Excellent partners for life. Protective. Inventive and imaginative. Cautious. Touchy-feely kind of person. Needs love from others. Easily hurt, but sympathetic.

LEO - The Boss
Very organized. Need order in their lives - like being in control. Like boundaries. Tend to take over everything. Bossy. Like to help others. Social and outgoing. Extroverted. Generous, warm-hearted. Sensitive. Creative energy. Full of themselves. Loving. D oing the right thing is important to Leos. Attractive.

VIRGO - The Perfectionist
Dominant in re lationships. Conservative. Always wants the last word. Argumentative. Worries. Very smart. Dislikes noise and chaos. Eager. Hardworking. Loyal. Beautiful. Easy to talk to. Hard to please. Harsh. Practical and very fussy. Often shy. Pessimistic.

LIBRA - The Harmonizer
Nice to everyone they meet. Can't make up their mind. Have own unique appeal. Creative, energetic, and very social. Hates to be alone. Peaceful, generous. Very loving and beautiful. Flirtatious. Give in too easily. Procrastinators. Very gullible.

SCORPIO - The Intense One
Very energetic. Intelligent. Can be jealous and/or possessive. Hardworking. Great kisser. Can become obsessive or secretive. Holds grudges. Attractive. Determined. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Romantic. Can be self-centered at times. Passionate and
Emotional.

SAGITTARIUS - The Happy-Go-Lucky One
Good-natured optimist. Doesn't want to grow up (Peter Pan Syndrome). Indulges self. Boastful. Likes luxuries and gambling. Social and outgoing. Doesn't like responsibilities. Often fantasizes. Impatient. Fun to be around. Having lots of friends. Flirtatious. Doesn't like rules. Sometimes hypocritical. Dislikes being confined - tight spaces or even tight
clothes. Doesn't like being doubted. Beautiful inside and out.

KNOW YOUR STATE MOTTO



Alabama
Hell Yes, We Have Electricity.

Alaska
11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona
Yes, But It's A Dry Heat.

Arkansas
Lituracy Ain't Everythang.

California
By 30, Our Women Have More
Plastic Than Your Honda

Colorado
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.

Connecticut
Like Massachusetts , only smaller

Delaware
We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.

Florida
Ask Us About Our Grandkids
And Our Voting Skills

Georgia
We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.

Hawaii
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money)

Idaho
More Than Just Potatoes...
Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois
Please, Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa
We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas
First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky
Five Million People;
Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana
We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign.

Maine
We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland
If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's And Our Senators Are More Corrupt!

Michigan
First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota
10,000 Lakes... And 10 Zillion Mosquitoes

Mississippi
Come visit And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana
Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing
Crazies, and Honest Elections!

Nebraska
Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada
Hookers and Poker!

New Hampshire
Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey
You Want A ##$%##! Motto?
I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here!

New Mexico
Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York
You Have The Right To Remain Silent,
You Have The Right To An Attorney...
And No Right To Self Defense!

North Carolina
Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota
We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio
At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma
Like The Play, But No Singing

Oregon
Spotted Owl.. It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania
Cook With Coal

Rhode Island
We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina
Remember The Civil War?
Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet

South Dakota
Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee
Home of the Al Gore Invention Museum

Texas
Se Hable Ingles

Utah
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont
Too liberal for the Kennedy's

Virginia
Who Says Government Stiffs And
Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington
Our Governor can out-fraud your Governor!

West Virginia
One Big Happy Family...Really!

Wisconsin
Come Cut the Cheese!

Wyoming
Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared
Home of Brokeback Mtn.

The District of Columbia
The Work-Free Drug Place !

The Mayonnaise Jar
and 2 CUPS OF COFFEE


When things in your life seem
almost too much to handle,
when 24 Hours in a day is not enough,
remember the mayonnaise jar
and 2 cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class
and had some items in front of him.
When the class began, wordlessly,
he picked up a very large
and empty mayonnaise jar
and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students
if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles

and poured them into the jar.
He shook the jar lightly.
The pebbles rolled into the open
areas between the golf balls.

He then asked
the students again
if the jar was full..
They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand
and poured it into the jar.
Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He asked once more if the jar was full.

The students responded
with an unanimous
"yes."

The professor then produced
two cups of coffee from under the table
And poured the entire contents
into the jar, effectively
filling the Empty space between the sand.
The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor,
as the laughter subsided,
"I want you to recognize that
this jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things -
God, family, children, health,
friends, and Favorite passions --
things that if everything else was lost
and only they remained,
your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter
like your job, house, and car.

The sand is everything else --
the small stuff.

"If you put the sand into the jar first,"
he continued,
"there is no room for
the pebbles or the golf balls.
The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time
and energy on the small stuff,
you will never have room for
the things that are
important to you.

So...

Pay attention to the things
that are critical to your happiness.
Play With your children.
Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your partner out to dinner.
Play another 18.

There will always be time
to clean the house
and fix the disposal.

"Take care of the golf balls first --
the things that really matter.
Set your priorities.
The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand
and inquired what the coffee represented.

The professor smiled.
"I'm glad you asked".

It just goes to show you that no matter how full

your life may seem, there's always room for
a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

Please share this with
someone you care about.


I JUST DID.

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: Why aren't you married yet?
Woman: What? And spoil my great sex life?

Man: Why aren't you married yet?
Woman:Why aren't you thin?

Man: Why aren't you married yet?
Woman: Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.

Subject: Drunks
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a
subway next to a priest. The man's tie was
stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick,
and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his
torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,
"Say, Father, do you know what causes arthritis?" The priest replied, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap,wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be
damned." Then he returned to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had
arthritis?"The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was
just reading here that the Pope does."








Mouse Balls,
I don't know how they wrote this with a straight
face. This was a real memo sent out by a computer
company (IBM) to its employeesin all seriousness. It
went to all feild engineers regarding a computer
peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite
genuine. The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially
note the last couple of sentences......

To: Whom it may concern
Re: Replacement of mouse balls

If a mouse fails to operate or should it
perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement.
Mouse balls are now available as FRU(field replacement units ). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained
personnel
Before proceeding, determine the type of
mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse.
Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign
balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon
the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be
replaced using the pop off method.
Domestic balls are replaced by using the
twist off method... mouse balls are not usually static
sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in a
sudden discharge.
Upon completion of ball replacement, the
mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that
each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining
optimum customer satisfaction
Any customer missing his balls should
contact the local personnel in charge of removing and
replacing these necessary items.
Please keep in mind that a customer without
properly working balls is an unhappy customer.






ROSES & HANGING BASKETS

A teenage granddaughter
comes downstairs for her date
with this see-through blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit,
telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her
"Loosen up Grams.
These are modern times.
You gotta let your rose buds show!"
and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes down stairs,
and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die.
She explains to her grandmother
that she has friends coming over
and that it is just not appropriate.....
The grandmother says,
"Loosen up,
Sweetie.
If you can show off your rose buds,
then I can display my hanging baskets.


Happy Gardening.

Cat Lover or Not, this is hysterical!

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can
top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how
legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway,
because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned
that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming
in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain
the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly
because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem Then one morning, I was
taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out
to me from the kitchen.

"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower
pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"

"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me
in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take
you a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent
outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her
behavior as extremely cowardly.

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to
find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my
circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its
gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the
fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs.

She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached
under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most
vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged
them with her needle-like claws.

I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly
rising at a violent rat e of speed, with the full weight of a kitten
hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome.
Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this
from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink
and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now
there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying
on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there,
done-that" paramedics.


Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were
all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while
trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it
back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out

of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to
talk about, which it was. "What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat
got your tongue?"


If they only knew!

Why is it that only the women laugh at this?

Hope your week is better than his!!!!!!!!!!