THE LONELY BRAIN CELL

  Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head.


  She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet.


  " Hello?" she cried, but no answer.

  "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

  Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice,

  "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"


  Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away..............




   "We're down here ..."  

  A poem for Women!


  I shave my legs,

  I sit down to pee.

  And I can justify any shopping spree.

  Don't go to a barber, but a beauty salon.

  I can get a massage without a hard-on.

  I can balance the checkbook,

  I can pump my own gas.

  Can talk to my friends about the size of my ass.

  My beauty's a masterpiece and yes, it takes long.

  At least I can admit to others when I'm wrong.

  I don't drive in circles, at any cost.

  And I don't have a problem admitting I'm lost.

  I never forget an important date.

  You just gotta deal with it, I'm usually late.

  I don't watch movies with lots of gore.

  Don't need instant replay to remember the score.

  I won't lose my hair, I don't get jock itch.

  And just cause I'm assertive, Don't call me a bitch.

  Don't say to your friends, Oh yeah, I can get her.

  In your dreams, my dear, I can do better!

  Flowers are okay,

  But jewelry's best.

  Look at me you idiot...

  Not at my chest????

  I don't have a problem,

  With Expressing my feelings.

  I know when you're lying,

  You look at the ceiling.

  DON'T call me a GIRL ,

  a BABE or a CHICK .

  I am a WOMAN.

  Get it?, you DICK!?!

WHEN WE GIRLS DRINK TOO MUCH........... 1. WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE OUR PURSE IS. 2. WE BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH OUR ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING OUR BUTT WHILE YELLING "WOO-HOO!" IS TRULY THE SEXIEST DANCE MOVE AROUND. 3. WE'VE SUDDENLY DECIDED THAT WE WANT TO KICK SOMEONE'S BUTT AND HONESTLY BELIEVE WE COULD DO IT TOO. 4. IN OUR! LAST TRIP TO PEE, WE REALIZE THAT WE NOW LOOK MORE LIKE A HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS WE WERE JUST FOUR HOURS AGO. 5. WE DROP OUR 3:00 A.M. SUBMARINE SANDWICH ON THE FLOOR WHICH WE'RE EATING EVEN THOUGH WE ARE NOT THE LEAST BIT HUNGRY), PICK IT UP AND CARRY ON EATING IT. 6. WE START CRYING AND TELLING EVERYONE WE SEE THAT WE LOVE THEM SOOOOO MUCH. 7. WE GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A NEW SONG PLAYS BECAUSE "OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!" 8. WE'VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING NEXT TO US. 9. THE MAN WE'RE FLIRTING WITH USED TO BE OUR 5TH GRADE TEACHER. 10. THE URGE TO TAKE OFF ARTICLES OF CLOTHING, STAND ON A TABLE AND SING OR DANCE BECOMES STRANGELY OVERWHELMING TO US. 11. OUR EYES JUST DON'T SEEM TO WANT TO STAY OPEN ON THEIR OWN SO WE KEEP THEM HALF CLOSED AND THINK IT LOOKS EXOTICALLY SEXY. 12. WE'VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOOD AT IT. 13. WE YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO WE BELIEVE CHEATED US BY GIVING US JUST LEMONADE, BUT THAT'S JUST BECAUSE WE CAN NO LONGER TASTE THE GIN. 14. WE THINK WE ARE IN BED, BUT OUR PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY LIKE THE KITCHEN FLOOR (er, or, the mop?) 15. WE START EVERY CONVERSATION WITH A BOOMING, "DON'T TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY BUT..." 16. WE FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID'S DOWN WHEN WE SIT ON IT. 17. OUR HUGS BEGIN TO RESEMBLE WRESTLING TAKE-DOWN MOVES. 18. WE ARE TIRED SO WE JUST SIT ON THE FLOOR (WHEREVER WE HAPPEN TO BE STANDING) AND TAKE A QUICK NAP. 19. WE BEGIN LEAVING THE BUTTONS OPEN ON OUR BUTTON FLY PANTS TO CUT DOWN ON THE TIME WE'RE IN THE BATHROOM AWAY FROM OUR DRINK. 20. WE TAKE OUR SHOES OFF BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IT'S THEIR FAULT THAT WE'RE HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT. LIFE IS WHAT YOU MAKE OF IT...KIND OF LIKE PLAYDOUGH!

 And for those of you who watch what you eat, here's
>the final word on nutrition and health.  It's a relief to know the
>truth after all the conflicting medical studies:
>          1.  The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer
>heart attacks than Americans.
>          2.  The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer
>heart attacks than Americans.
>          3.  The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer
>fewer heart attacks than Americans.
>          4.  The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine
>and suffer fewer heart attacks  than
>Americans.
>         5.  The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of
>sausage and suffer fewer heart  attacks than Americans.
>
>          CONCLUSION:
>
>           Eat and drink what you like.  Speaking English is
>apparently what kills you
>
>

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.  Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........" At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time.  I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army." Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt!

 

What Religion is Your Bra?     A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. What type of bra?" asked the clerk. Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type? Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.   Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from. Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied: There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?   Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...   The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen, The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.   Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!   (A} Almost Boobs... {B} Barely there. {C} Can't Complain! {D} Dang! {DD} Double dang! {E} Enormous! {F} Fake. {G} Get a Reduction. {H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !       They forgot the German bra.   Holtzemfromfloppen!

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN

Now ladies, tell me who out there can not actually relate to this prayer?

                    If you can't, you haven't been married long enough.

                                   

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
>
>She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
>
>Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
>
>Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
>
>Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
>
>And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
>
>WOMEN'S REVENGE
>
>"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished
to
>purchase.
>
>As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a
television
>set in her purse.
>
>"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
>
>"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I
>figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
>
>
>
>UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
>
>(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
>
>I know I'm not going to understand women.
>
>I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto
your
>upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and STILL be afraid of a
spider.
>
>
>
>MARRIAGE SEMINAR
>
>While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
>
>Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential
that
>husbands and wives know each others likes and dislikes."
>
>He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
>
>Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's
>Pillsbury, isn't it?
>
>
>
>CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
>
>A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
>
>The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
>
>He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
>
>She directs him down the correct aisle.
>
>A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball
of
>string on the counter.
>
>She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons
for
>your wife?
>
>He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to
the
>store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin
of
>tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper.
>
>So, I figure if I have to roll my own . so does she.
>
>(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! )
>
>
>
>WIFE VS. HUSBAND
>
>A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a
word.
>
>An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them
wanted to
>concede their position.
>
>As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked
>sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
>
>"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
>
>
>
>W O R D S
>
>A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
>day...30,000 to a man's 15,000.
>
>The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
>everything to men...
>
>The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
>
>
>
>CREATION
>
>A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid
and
>so beautiful all at the same time.
>
>"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.  God made me beautiful so
you
>would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted
to
>you!
>
>
>
>WHO DOES WHAT
>
>A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the
coffee
>each morning.
>
>The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then
we
>don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
>
>The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you
should
>do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
>
>Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that
>the man should do the coffee."
>
>Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
>
>So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him
at
>the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........
>
>"HEBREWS"
>
>
>
>The Silent Treatment
>
>A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
each
>other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next
day,
>he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning
business
>flight.  Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE),
he
>wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it
where he
>knew she would find it.
>
>The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and
he
>had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his
wife
>hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The
paper
>said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
>
>Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
>
>
>
>God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough
draft
>before the masterpiece.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

Happy New Year to all my friends and potential friends.

I sat back and tried to concoct the best New Years resolution for 2006.  I  decided this year I was going to find the one thing that I was almost certain to follow through on.  This year I am going to be strong and show every one who doubts me that I can at least accomplish one thing.

I began to go through all the typical resolutions.  I don't smoke, so that was ruled out quickly. Besides, you can't blow bubbles with niccotine gum.

I don't think it is possible to love my family anymore than I do.  Trust me.  I think I deserve an award for tolerance.

Being more compassionate and sympathetic to my friends should not be something I have to force myself to do. 

Losing weight!  Come on now let's be realistic.  If  I even say that I will, I am asking to fail.  I have absolutely no will power.  For crying out loud I have three children, its obvious I have no will power.  Hold on.....I've got it!!!!

Cristy's 2006 New Years Resolution is................

I WILL NOT GET PREGNANT THIS YEAR!!!! 

( THIS DOESN'T MEAN I WON'T GO THROUGH THE MOTIONS THOUGH!  HONEY I COULD NEVER GIVE THAT UP!!!!!!!!)