1. If your having trouble with your homework, dont go up to your teacher and say "This homework is too hard! Now gimme a big wet kiss!"
2. Breaking up is hard to do. Breaking a dozen eggs with a sledgehammer, pfft. Is fun!
3. Its good to invent a new soup called "Tasty Chicken Chowder." Its bad to invent a new soup called "Broken Glass Chowder."
4. Its easy to milk a cow, its weird to milk a toothless hippy named Maurice.
5. You should always brush your teeth 3 times a day. You should never fill your pants with infected fish.
6. When it rains, it pours. When theres a nail in your eye, you go "AAAAAHHHH!!!"
7. Its rude to talk with your mouth full, its even ruder to talk with your mouth full of baby squirrells.
8. You are what you eat, I am 13 tacos and a stick of butter!
9. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. A bird in your pants can be very uncomfortable.
10. Its rude to walk into a forest and yell out "Hey! You trees are a bunch of morons and you know what?! If you wanna do something about it, just come over here and get me!!"
11. Its not nice to push your friend Billy off the roof and then yell "Look neighbors! Its raining Billy!!"
12. If you can count to 17 on one hand, then good luck finding gloves you 17 fingered freak!
13. When it rains, it pours. When it snows, its cold!
14. If an adult asks you what you want to be when you get older, its not nice to reply "Well when I grow up I wanna be a great big loser, just like you!"
15. If your teacher gives you an F, its wrong to say "Well what'd you expect moron? I didnt study!"
16. Never judge a book by its cover. Judge it, by the sound it makes when it hits your Uncle Benny on the booty!!
17. If your grandmother gives you a pretty new sweater, its wrong to thank her by wrapping it around her face and squeezing 'til she turns blue!
18. Revenge is sweet. But not as sweet, as 10 pounds of sugar!!
19. If you're afraid your grandmother is going to get stolen, stick an alarm up her dress and chain her to the fence!!
20. If you see someone drowning, try to throw popcorn in their mouth!
21. Next time your feeling sick, take a piece of ham and rub it all over your body. It wont make you feel any better, but hey! You'll smell like ham!
22. There are 16 apples in a pound. There are 38 sheep in my pants.
23. If your on a first date, its a bad idea to say "So, whats the biggest lugi you've ever hocked up?"
24. If your name is Steven, and you have a turkey named Stephen, then come Thanksgiving, you'll be Steven-Stuffen-Stephen!!
25. If your best friend sends you a text message that says "I hate your guts!" then obviously you have some issues with your best friend!
26. The moon revolves around the Earth. A hula-hoop...revolves around your ass.
27. If the combination to your locker is 03-29-16, thanks for the hat!
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