Ok so I've patched things up with Jazmin. I guess we were just going through a rough patch in our friendship, we're totally cool now, we're probably even closer than before. I'm glad that we're ok now though, I don't like to fight.

But onto to other subjects. Ok so when I thought about it, I realized that I'm not really happy with the person I've been lately. I've been fighting with my family, trash talking those I don't like, telling myself I was a piece of [censored], and making myself believe I was ugly just because I didn't look like everyone else. What kind of person is that awful? I mean to tell myself all the things I told myself, it was pretty bad. And the way I always fight with my family, how is that going to help me? One day I might need them and they won't be there to help me. And how is trash others going to improve me? I can talk [censored], I can be rude to them, but it won't make me a bigger person. I don't want to be like that anymore, I want think of myself as a good person. I can't think of myself as good person when I'm like that. And then I realized that the reason I was so insecure is because I didn't like who I was, not what I looked like. I admit it, I was jealous of some girls at school, but I'm human and I can't help it. Everyone gets a little jealous, but I'm not going to let that control who I am and how I treat myself.

So now I'm trying to change myself. I'm going to be more nicer to others, even those I don't like. I'm not going to become friends with everyone I considered enemies, but I'm atleast going to be civil. I want to be able to say that I'm the bigger person who isn't going to hold a grudge from the past, I want to be able to say that I love myself the way I should love myself, and I want to be able to say that I am a good person to my family. I know it might be hard to change, but I'm going to work so so hatd at being a better person. I'm so sick of thinking of myself as a bad person who doesn't appreciate anything. But I think I'm off to a good start. I have to go now, so I'll talk to you guys later.

Ok yeah my life totally sucks... I found out that I weigh 191 pounds... I'm a disgustingly fat slob. I can't even look in the mirror right, I want to throw up everytime I do. And I'm so sick of myself because I just can't get over Jonat!!!! I know he doesn't like me and we'll probably never go out, but for some reason I just can't get over him. I pretend like I did, but I didn't. That boy gets me so confused, one day he flirts with me, the next day he ignores me. And now he's dating my friend Blanca. I'm not mad at her though, she didn't know I like him. But I want to stop liking, it's stupid to get all crazy over this about a boy... I feel like a confused idiot.

Well I had to get that off my chest. Anyways since I found out that I weigh nearly 200 lbs. I haven't really eaten. I ate last night but today I've only eaten an apple. I tried to but I couldn't do it, so I don't know how this is supposed to work out. But sometimes when I look in mirror I swear I look more 500 lbs. I mean seriously, I [censored]ing ugly as hell. I can see why none of the boys like me, all my friends are so pretty, some are even beautiful, especially my friends on grab. I don't see why I have so many friends though, I don't deserve them. Right as far as I see it, I don't deserve anything I have, my fam, my friends, my nice teachers... I'm not a worthy person... God now I'm crying... all I wanted to do today was cry. I didn't participate in gym today, I just sat there... and Blanca, being the awesome friend she is, kept trying to cheer me up and find out what was wrong. I didn't tell her because it would've taken forever... because everything is wrong! But I don't deserve a great friend like her, I wish she wouldn't waste her time on me. All of my friends are such great people, they don't need me, I'm just a worthless piece of [censored].

And Jazmin... ugh I'm getting sick of her. She's not a real friend... she's just using me. I know she doesn't like me, because whenever Marisol isn't around she ditches me and hangs out with someone else. And when Marisol is around she just talks to Marisol and ignores me. But when she needs help in math class who does she come to? Yep, me. I know I don't deserve much, but I don't have to put up with her [censored] either. And tomorrow I'm going to tell her I'm sick of this and I don't want to be her friend anymore. She was so nice at first, but now she's just a bitch.

I [censored]ing love this video. It's so [censored]ing funny, when I first saw it I couldn't stop laughing.

Because bolonga is very disgusting. I hate that stuff so freaking mcuh it ain't even funny. The last time I ate it I threw up. I just needed to get that off my chest.

Anyway so yeah. I got my report card and according to my report I'm a total nerd... I got all A's and made the Principal's Honor Roll... oh well because nerdiness = coolness. So anyways yeah, my life totally sucks. I just got over a really badcase of strep throat... it was painful. I didn't go to school for a whole week.

I swear I feel like the biggest loser. Everyone I know either has bf, knows that someone likes them, and has reason to believe someone likes them. I don't have a bf, know someone likes me, or have reason to believe someone likes me. I thought Jonat liked me but now I'm having doubts about that, I think he's mad at me because he won't talk to me. Is there something wrong me? I mean am I really that grotesque that no one can bear the thought of me? I know I sound totally whiny but I can't help it, I mean if it were you you'd probably be doing the same as me. I just feel like no matter what there will always be someone better at everything I try to be good. Everytime I try to look and feel good about myself, it's always ruined when I see how much better everyone looks. People always tell me that I'm pretty, but I just can't see it. I feel like when I look in the mirror, I see a completely different person than everyone else. Maybe I really do...

Things that are totally stressing me out:
*I think I might have a mental disorder. I seriously do because I swear when I look in the mirror, I see a disgusting and frugly face and body looking back at me, it's really painful.

*I'm starting to think other people are intimidated by me because I'm smart. I know it sounds stupid but I think it's true. And yet I still have alot of friends.

*I'm starting to think I don't want to be friends with Jazmin anymore. How do you decide when it's time to move in a friendship. I'm not sure but sometimes I get tired of the way she acts and her attitude. She's been kind of weird lately, she's been acting so grimy. I don't know what to do.

*This stupid weather here in Chicago! I'm sooo sick of snow and below zero temperatures! It's so cold, I wish it was summer, I need to see sun! today I woke up and for some reason I thought it was summer, I could've cried when I looked out the window and saw all the snow.

Things that are sorta making me happy:
*I'll be going to school again on Tuesday and I'll get to talk to Marisol. She always makes me feel better whenever I'm down, she's such a good friend.

*I'll be getting enough money soon so that I can go shopping for some well deserved new clothes. I barely have any clothes. I have lik 2 pairs of pants and 2 shirts... it sucks to be me.

Yeah so I don’t think there will be any fights between Tati and me. I apologized to her, but not to her. But I sure did get a lot of people worked up about it. Anyways onto another topic, gosh Hector (if you don’t know who he is than see my last blog) looks even hotter lately. He got a haircut and he just looks absolutely adorable! I love his spiky hair…. and his sexy smile with his gleaming white teeth. On Tuesday he actually touched me…. kind of. I was walking in the hallway and he bumped me, then he looked at me and said, “Oh, I’m sorry.”… That’s actually like 4 words if you count the word conjunction thingy. But I’ve had a real convo with him before. That was before I liked him so I wasn’t really nervous. I wish he liked me though, but I know for a fact that he doesn’t because I asked him out before and he said no.

I just wanted to mention something to all of you though. I know I might seem a lot different than before, but I’ve changed a lot. I’m still the same old me but I’m little bit more open and not so shy. I’ve decided this New Year that I wouldn’t be so shy and try to reinvent myself but still keep the same me intact. Ok so maybe I haven’t changed, I just made improvements for the better…. But then is there a way to make improvements for the worst?? Doesn’t improvement mean to improve i.e. to make better… oh well it doesn’t matter. I bet you can tell now it’s still the same old me, just a little tweaked, as in improved.

Things that are freaking me out:
*Today this boy that sits at the same table as me and Jonat in S.S. (social studies) joked around saying that me and Jonat like each other. Jonat kinda blushed and I was all like “ No we’re just good friends.” And then Jonat was all like “Yeah she’s my best friend.” I don’t know if should be upset because maybe that means he only considers me a friend or if I should be happy that he considers me a close friend. But he does act different in front me, like he’s trying to show off. And we spend a bit of time together. But he is so cute. I like Hector but I know I have no chance w/ him so why bother?

*I’m actually going to enter my material in a young writer’s competition. I hope I win but I don’t know. There’s probably other’s that are better than me. I’ve only made the first draft though. My book club teacher is helping me with it.

*My weight! I mean I seriously don’t even want to look in the mirror anymore. I’m on a diet but I just wish I could see results within an hour! I hate how diets take forever and you can’t eat anything good, hmph! I wish I could eat a whole pepperoni pizza w/ extra cheese and a stuffed crust… yummmm .

Things that are making me happy:
*Mrs.Welsh (my book club teacher) actually thinks I might have a chance at winning the young writers competition. It really boosts your confidence when you know at least one person believes in you.

Next month I will finally for the first time in my life have my own room!!! I can’t wait ‘til my cousin moves out. I mean I’ll miss him but I’ll love having my own room more. I can’t wait to decorate and put up posters. And then when I get mad I can actually slam the door and tell everyone to stay out! I can’t wait *does happy dance*

Yeah this is a really long blog so I’m just gonna end it now and get it over with. Well I’ll write back really soon so ciao…Not like many of you read but whatever lol. Kathy

Ok so I know you guys have been updated with my current life and school and everything so I'll fill you in.

People in my life:

Jazmin: One of my best friends

Marisol: My other best friend

Jonat: Boy in my class who is my good friend and I like and I think he might like me too :D.

Hector: Really cute boy in room 207 that almost went out with

Marisol and I wish he liked me.

Mrs.Jaffe: My freak of a homeroom/science teacher.

Mr.Kennedy: MY oh so math teacher.

Ms.Potts: My also very cool reading teacher.

Mrs.Canon: My social studies teacher who is really really fun and cool.

Sharonda: my mothers friend who lives downstais from me(My mom lives upstairs and me and my grandma live downstairs)

Tati: ^^^ her daughter who is a bitch and a redneck slut!!!! I [censored]ing hate that bitch!

Things that are stressing me right now:

*I've been hanging with Jonat because we're good friends and I like him but I don't know if he likes me back because it kinda seems like he does but I'm not sure. Boys are so confusing.

*I almost beat the [censored] out of Tati last night but I didn't get a chance to really mess her up. Watch I'm gonna that little bitch when her mother ain't around!

*I'm on a diet but I really want some ice cream!!!!!

Things that are making me happy:

*School starts on Tuesday!!! I love school because that's where all the good stuff happens and I get to see my friends. They can't come by my house because they have strict parents!!

*I'm going to get my own room next month when my cousin moves out,and I'll be getting alot of money from my aunt for helping her out:DDDD.

*I don't have to turn anymore book reports for the rest of the term!!!


....Yeah I think that's about it for now but I'll have more lists to put up later.

Ok soo I know I haven't made a blog in awhile.

Well I have alot to tell you and I don't where to start.

If you read one of my last blogs you'll know about my stalker(the guy next door from me who's like 15).Well I know he likes me and recently he asked me out(actually his younger brother did)and I said no(duh)and then he kept asking me! Everytime his brother saw he kept saying "He wants to go out with you! He likes you!" and I asked him why and said "I don't know ask him.". I really don't like him at all cuz he's like the dorkiest and weirdest person I've seen! I could never picture myself with him,and besides he really immature. He always making fun of my sister and I,like immatating our laugh when we laugh really loud by the window and stuff like that.I think it's so stupid that he does that. I can't stand boys who act immature like that.

Also about rock camp. Well I went on the first day and it was awesome! I loved it! I could relate to all the girls there and it was fun! But then I had a dream that something bad was going to happen and it scared me so I dropped out...and then 3 days later my grandma was put in the hospital....creepy.

Well I'm going back to school next week(Tuesday to be exact)and I'm really excited! I can't wait to be in school again. I know most people dread the incoming school year but I'm extremely excited about it. I mean I haven't been in school since like 2nd grade and for me this is a big thing.

I don't have much else to talk about since I don't have a life so I guess that's it for now. I'll make another blog really soon again,maybe I start doing them everyday like I did before. Well I'll cya!

Ok so I know I was gone for a bit but not I'm back and I have alot to say!

First off if you read my bulletein then you know that I got accepted into rock camp! I have been waiting for months for a package to come to see if I got accepted and I did!!! It will start on August 14th and it will end on the 19th. We(all the other girls who got accepted along with myself)will be put in to 5 groups/bands,and then we will have one week to practice for the big show on the last day in which we will all be performing in front of everyone! Now at first when I heard this I was kinda nervous but you know what? I'm not really that nervous anymore,it lasted about 5 minutes,now I can't wait to perform! I know I totally choked at the talent but this is different! I love playing music more dancing and I want to play music in front of everyone. I'm not going lie,I will have some jitters but I'm not that scared.

Anyways in the package I also got a schedule and let me tell it's going to be awesome! Especially on the last day when we'll have dress rehearsal and band photos! I'm really looking forward to making new friends who like music too! I hope that maybe I'll keep in touch with the new friends I make.

Well as much as I would love to keep going on and on about rock camp I have other news.

Well if you read my last blog then you must know about my "stalker"(the boy who lives next door  to me and his bedroom is right next to mine!). Well my sister spent the night last night(as always lol)and we got goofy(again as always)and then we started freaking out the guy next door(we just call him birdface cuz he looks like a bird). And he dancing to this gay as hell music and we put up a note on the window that said "Why are you so gay?" and he replied by putting "Why?" and then we started going back and forth communicating like this and then we had said something and he said "I have to go to bed for work tomorrow call me at:his number here",we still kept communicating for hours after that though.But after he put up his number I put "Do you like me or something?" and then(by this time his younger bro was in the room with him)he put "Which one the big or little one?"(referring to me and my younger sister)then my sister put "The bigger one." and then he put "A little bit.''(which I know just means he likes me alot but is too afraid to say so cuz he's always watching me!)and then he put "Do you like me?" and at first I didn't reply cuz I was afraid if I put no that he might keep bothering and then he could keep stalking me at school next year(we're going to be going to the same school I think)but then I finally put "No,I have to go bye. and you little brother has a big head(which is extremely true!)" and then he put "Bye call me at:his number here" and for some reason I wrote down his number.

And since last night he's had his curtains closed instead of open as always. I didn't want to hurt him but I don't like him....I don't think I do.....do I?? No I can't like him! He's a freak! I hope I don't like him....ok now I'm scaring myself....what if I do like him? Eeeeewwww!

Anyways changing the subject. I have great news that I've been saving! Well I don't know if many of you know this but both of my older sisters are pregnant and one of them(not the oldest sister but second oldest,Marilyn,the oldest is Thelma,she the oldest out all 5 of us)had her baby!! Which is really big for us since her baby died at month,then she had a boy,my cute nephew Antonio! And then she had a miscarriage and now she had this baby! It's girl and she named her Janae(pronounced Jah-nay)Angelina. Antonio wanted his sister to be named Angelina so we call her Angelina. I'm so happy to have a neice and soon my oldest sister Thelma will have her baby boy! And this will Thelma's first baby too. I'm just sooo happy for my sisters.

Well I gotta go cuz Marilyn is coming over right now with Janae(I think that's how she spells it)since I haven't seen her yet,and plus so my grandma can see her. The real coicedence that she had her on the same day as her birthday! Making Janae the 3rd person in my family to be born on July 24th.

 

 Well bye!

Ok now really this is really important.

Ok now I have comcast cable,but on Monday it's going to be cut off.And I also have comcast high speed internet that means that our internet connection will also be taken away. But on the brightside we(my fam)will be getting it turned back on the 1st.

So after Monday I'll be gone for awhile so I'll see ya soon!

Ok so I haven't blogged for almost a month! I know that's awhile but I was super busy and didn't have time to blog but now I'm back with lots to blog about so here we go!

Ok well first I really have something important to say! I went to the Optomitrist on Tuesday and I found out that I have astigmatism! If you don't what that is I'll explain:You know how a baseball is equally round all around? Well that's how your eye is supposed to be,shaped like a baseball(which means it's equally round all around).But for people with Astigmatism(like myself)their eyes are shaped more like a football,which means it's more round in width than it is length(like how a football is)which can cause problems. It makes everything that's like 2 feet(or more) away from your face seem blurry unless it's big.It basically makes you kinda short sighted. And from what the doctor says I have it really  bad. I'll be getting my new glasses in about a month.

Oh yeah and about 2 weeks ago I went to the beach! But it's kinda gross since Lake Michigan is highly  polluted(I actually saw a condom in the water!! And it was used! EEEEWWWW!!!!!!!!).I don't think I'll be going back to beach anymore though....yucky! Although the lifeguards were yummy! XD.

And I also went to the movies on Thursday. I saw Little Man,it was soo funny!!!

Ok I'm really really nervous because now that I'm going back to school this semester I have to my shot since I didn't get them when I went to 5th grade because I was homeschooled at the time. And I'm totally scared because I have a phobia of sharp objects which also include needles and I hate getting shot or bloodtests!! I do know that when I get I will bawling like a baby!! I'll probably be screaming too...but I promised myself that I won't have to be held down like a 4 year old!

I have some good news! I have been gaining some self cofidence since I've been eating more healthy food and trying to be more active...so that's a positive note there right?

 Also I think I have a stalker! I have the blinds on my window up just a little bit all the time so that it doesn't block off the air from the air conditioner,not alot but enough to see in the window next door. There's a window directly across from my bedroom window and it's the window of the bedroom of the guy(he's probably abut 14 or 15)that lives next door. And since my desk is by window when I sit there I can see his room and vice versa.Well everytime I sit there the dude next door and his younger brother are always looking through the window at me!! My younger sister says that she thinks he likes me(EEW! He frugly! Our nickname for him is Birdface!). I don't think he likes me(I hope not!!). But even when I go on the porch like 5 minutes later he's on his front porch too!! He's really starting to freak me out!!

Oh yeah and one last thing! My friend Essie got a job at the flea market and only on her first day she got paid lik 30 dollars and they told her the following week that she'll get $40,now that's quite a bit isn't it? Well I asked my grandma if I could a job at the flea market too and she said yes! So this weekend my aunt is taking me there to see if I can get a job too! I hope I can so I can get paid cuz I need new clothes! I only have like 6 pairs of pants and 7 shirts! And we don't have alot of money so I can only get like $20 extra for clothes and combining that with my allowance makes only $40.

Well that's about all I have to say so I'm gonna go for now ok. Bye!

Ok well the highly anticipated talent show was a disaster!!!  

We practiced a little bit before the talent show then we all got ready and got dressed and everything. And then Essie's cousin,Jaque(who was in dance)was starting to chicken out,well Essie and I talked her into it again and then we left. When we got there the other girls(our other friends who are not really our friends now)were already doing their dance. They said we were next and Essie,Jaque,and I started to freak out. Well the other girls talked Essie and Jaque into it again but not me. I was too afraid. I thought that since I would be with my friends I wouldn't be so nervous.....I was wrong!!!  I was soo scared to go up there. They put some volunteer peopel up there to perform before us which gave them some time to talk to me,but I wouldn't budge.  And they needed me because in some of the parts we're all paired up and I was paired with Rosa and if I wasn't in the dance Rosa couldn't be in the dance. When their turn came they went up without Rosa and I. They dance about half way through the song and then Essie and Jaque didn't wanna go anymore,and then they just walked away! And the girls who aren't our friends anymore were talking [censored] about them and then Essie and Jaque left and Rosa followed them.

After the talent show they had a little party and the rest of us stayed for that,especially since our former art teacher Jessi would be there! I talked to her and told her what happened and she made me feel better. Then we talked about henna(which she put in her hair)and how it's good for your hair. So I asked my grandma if I could put it in my hair but she's kinda skeptic(she had an accident with henna when she was younger. Let's just say she came out looking like Carrot Top)but she said she wants to read everything on the website(hennaforhair.com)and then think about it. I think she's leaning towards a yes though. Anyways though after the party we all left(with my mom and aunt who came to see us perform)and Nini and Michelle went to Essie and Rosa's house to see if they were still mad, I went home with my mom and aunt. Then Michelle came back riding their little sisters' bike. She said that they said that they were too disappointed and didn't want to see me right now(which really hurt)and I told her to tell them that I'm really really sorry and I thought that since I was with them I wouldn't chicken out but I did and I didn't mean for that to happen. She told them and came back and said that they said that it's ok and they're not really mad and it's ok it I come to hang out,I said no and stayed home(I was too disappointed)and later I saw Essie ride by on her little sister's bike and she waved at me and smiled(I guess she wasn't upset anymore).

But I'm too upset with myself. I can't help feeling like it was all my fault(it kinda was though!)and I feel so angry that I let them down like that. I'm really ashamed because I thought I wouldn't chicken out like that. I just can't believe I did that to them!

Well there,all about the "Talent Show Disaster" as I like to call it.

Ok it's time for an update!  So right now my life is crazy!!!! With nonstop practicing for the talent I have not time for anything else!!!!

 
 My friends and I are practicing for about 5 -6 hours a day(no joke) with only about 1 or two breaks(if we're lucky!). Because the talent is on Wednesday and we haven't even finished it! We decided to do the talent about a little more than a week ago and we had little time to practice and we couldn't practice at first since we're all so busy but finally we started practicing. We're doing "Check On It" by Beyonce and we about more than half of the song finished,we just need to work on the ending. I'm so pumped because I usually get nervous in crowds so I hope I don't mess up! But with the thought of my friends doing it with me just makes me excited and then my mom and aunt are going to watch so it's like ya know when someone you care about watches you perform it's just like you don't wanna mess up,it's gets you pumped and you want to show them what you can do so I'm really excited and I don't think I'll be too nervous. I'm just having fun practicing and dancing with my friends and when the talent show comes I'm just going to imagine being in Essie's(my friend who is in the talent show with the rest of us)living room and doing the dance.

Our dance is quite good if I do say so(lol). Sometimes my friends'(Essies and Rosa,who are sisters)family watches us and at first I was nervous but then I got used to it and I did some of the dance outside with people watching(I was showing my sister this one part)and I wasn't nervous or shy so I don't think I'll mess up at the talent show. I'm just really pumped,nervous,and excited that the talent show is only tomorrow(it's past 12 here in Chicago lol)!!! I just can't wait,I have that rush and I want to see how good I can be and if we'll get to finish the dance! It's just a mix of feelings but it's all good one!

Well I'm going to go now,I would complain about how my fam is getting on my nerves right now but oh well you probably want to hear about the talent show more right? I'll complain later lol. And maybe I can fit in a little practicing before I go to bed(quietly) so LATERZ!

 Gosh I'm freaking starving! Ever since I became a vegetarion my appetite got smaller ok,and since it was so sudden my family didn't know what to do! I've been a vegetarion for about a month and they're still coping with it! My aunt doesn't know what to get me when she goes shopping so alls she gets is mac n' cheese tv dinners and protein bars! I asked to let me come with but she went while I was at art class(which I'm angry for!) and now I have to starve 'til she goes shopping again! They have no idea what I can eat and I'm also a picky eater so that makes it harder but I said if I go with I can get my own foods. It's not that hard to get me some food to eat,I mean I can eat lots of stuff and they can even buy imitation meat and I can get recipes for french toast without eggs off the internet. I could just make a list of foods for them to buy  but noooo that's too easy right! Just let Kathy sit here and starve I mean it won't make a difference I should lose these extra pounds anyways right? XD Sorry I was being sarcastic there. I'm just going to make a list so I won't be starving all the time! I'll put fruits(love the fruits!),peanut butter!!!Froot loops! Protein bars(they're really good man!),salad ingredients,and some other stuff. But they act like I'm totally different! They can't even say that I'm a vegetarion they say "You don't want to eat meat anymore" XD!!

 Anyways, lately I've been hearing lots of talk about this band From First To Last from everyone! People on grab and even my friend at my art class likes them so I told her I'd download some of their songs and see how I like them. So I did and now I can't stop listening to that cd! I can see why people like them! My favorites are "The Lastest Plague" and "Emily". I think they're great and I'm going to download some more songs from them later. I need more cds though.My dang older cousin(who doesn't live with me)stole some of my cds(blank cds)and he stole from my other older cousin(who does live with me)and now I only have lik 5 cds left out of what started as a 30 pack and I only burned like 6 cds since I got them!

Well I think I'm done nagging and complaining for now XD.On the brightside I'm as down as I was before and I'm feeling better now. Well cya!

Ok so I'm feeling a little better about myself lately. I think I've lost some weight in the past month and a half. All my clothes are like one size too big and everyone keeps saying I look skinnier. I really want to lose weight but I kep thinking that I wouldn't be able to but now I have more confidence in myself.....not alot but more than before.

It's just so hard to hang out with my friends though,they're all so skinny and I'm like the huge whale in a flock of flamingos!!! It's always bothering me but I just try not to show it. I'm so sick of all this though,everyone thinks I'm happy and fine but I'm really not and sometimes I feel like I'm going to have a nervous break down and I really need someone to talk to but I don't want to tell anyone because I don't want everyone thinking that I'm a psycho freak or something.

Well anyways I'm not going to sit here and complain to you guys about my problems....that's getting old and annoying.  Well I've been practicing my drawing alot more lately and I think I'm getting better. My new art teacher has arrived. Her name is Makeba(MAH-KEY-BAH)and she's a professional artist. She has a website that has all her painting and the meaning of them too,I think if you google "Makeba Kedeem Duboose" you might get some matches on her and maybe you'll get to see her paintings,they're really great! She's having trouble keeping everyone in control though.It's not her fault,everyone runs around playing while we're doing art and they won't sit and do the art projects,they're taking advantage of her because they know Jessi would never allow this and they know eventually she'll catch up and get tougher so they figure "Hey let's have fun for now while it last!". I try to help her though,I'm one of only 2 people who try to help her out and keep everyone in control,and clean up and everything. I really like her so that's why I'm trying to help her.  She also has a 6 year old daughter named Nina,she's so cute! Everyone likes her and she's really fun to have. She thinks that she'll get special treatment because Makeba(we call her by her name,yes Makeba is her first name lol)is her mother but not gonna happen.

Well I'm supposed to be at my friends house practicing for the talent show(I'll give you details on that later)and I'm still here so bye!

I can't wait! 2 weeks until my birthday! I'm really excited,I probably won't have a party because my fam can't afford it right now,and I probably won't get too many presents,but I don't care I just want my birthday to be here already!   

Well the only down side is that I'll still be a depressed psycho chick. My grandma said that we seriously need to get a counselor but whatever. I hate being depresed,I hate hating myself,I hate dumping on myself because I can't be happy with myself. I just hate everything! I know I have a good life,I know I have a great family,but I just can't be happy.I try to be happy and I try to hide everything but it's not so easy. I really want to be normal,I want to be happy,I want to be happy with the way I look,I'm sick of seeing myself as a fat cow! I know lots of girl who are pencil thing and weigh like 115 and they're all like "Oh man I'm such a fatass!" and I feel like slapping them because I'd give anything to be as skinny as them,but sometimes those girls say that to get a attention and have people tell them they're not fat.

I'm officially on a diet now. No more fat,greasy foods and nothing with too much cholestorol or calories. I'm going to start excercising. My goal is to lose atleast 20 pounds over the summer. I don't want to go school next year with all these skinny girls because then I'll just start beating myself up more and I don't want that. I don't want to go to bed at night crying like always. I don't want to have another fit(see my last blog)again. I just want to be happy,I want to be normal,I don't want to be sad and depressed like I'm miserable. I don't want to be psycho!

 

I know I sound really whiny and everything but right now I don't give a damn! I don't even care that I just went against my religous beliefs and cursed! I just need to get this off my chest and this is the best way I can right now so I know I sound really whiny but right now I just need my friends,I need support,because I freakin' feel like a psycho,I feel like I'm crazy!