Need to relieve some stress?
Try this
Ritual for Stress Reduction
Feeling Stressed Out?
Picture yourself near a stream.
Birds are softly chirping
in the crisp cool mountain air.
Nothing can bother you here.
No one knows
this secret place.
You are in total seclusion
from that place
called "the world."
The soothing sound of a
gentle waterfall
fills the air
with a cascade
of serenity.
The water is clear.
You can easily
make out the face
of the person
whose head you're
holding
under the water.
Look. It's the person
who caused you
all this stress
in the first place.
What a pleasant surprise.
You let them up...
just for a quick breath...
then PLOOP!
...back under they go...
You allow yourself as many deep breaths as you want.
There now... feeling better?
Pagan, Witch and Witchcraft
Lightbulb Jokes
Pagan...
Q: How many Dianic Wiccans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, and it's NOT FUNNY!!!
Q: How many Dianics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (any large number here) -- One to change the light bulb, one to prepare the environmental impact
statement, and the rest to do a self-criticism afterwards...
Q:How many years does it take a Dianic Wiccan to change a light bulb?
A: You can change it whenever you are empowered to do so.
Q: How many years does it take a Dianic Wiccan to change a light bulb?
A: Not sure.....we'll call Z. Budapest and get back to you!
Q:How many Druids does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in Stone Circles.
Q: How many Druids does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Thirteen! One to hold the bulb and 12 to drink enough to make the room spin.
Q: How many years does it take a Druid to change a light bulb?
A: 21, unless you're Irish.
Q: How many Isians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change the light bulb, one to handle publicity, and one to write the newsletter.
Q: How many Family traditionalists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Candle light was good enough for our ancestors, it's good enough for us!
Q: How many Brit.Trad WItches does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Thirteen. One to change the bulb, and 12 to mourn the passing of the old bulb.
Q: How many Gardnerian witches does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It's a third degree secret.
Q: How many years does it take a Gardnerian witch to change a light bulb?
A: A year and A day in an Outer Grove, a year and a day at first level, a year and a day at second
level, but only third levels change light bulbs.
Q: How many Alexandrian witches does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "Lets go see how the Gardnerians do it!"
Q: How many years does it take an Alexandrian Witch to change a light bulb?
A: That's the Maiden's Job. Maiden - Make it so.
Q: How many Starhawk Witches does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (plaintively) "There are starving villages in Africa that don't even HAVE light bulbs..."
Q: How many years does it take a Starhawk Witch to change a light bulb?
A: Well, it depends how hard you study, but you can do it now if you are solitary.
Q: How many solitary Witches does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (if they actually ask 'how many?', drum your fingers and stare at them as you wait for them to
grasp the obvious)
Q: How many years does it take for a solitary Witch to change a light bulb?
A: How long does it take to get one out of the closet?
Q: How many years does it take a Kitchen Witch to change a light bulb?
A: Its already been changed.
Q: How many years does it take a White Light Wiccan to change a light bulb?
A: Look deep within and find your true essence. That will tell you how long it will take.
Q: How many Frost "School of Wicca" Witches does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "Just you! That's right, YOU! And for only $195 we'll send you our complete "Witches Magic Power of
Light Bulb Changing Course" with real knowledge that you can apply this to ANY light bulb ANYWHERE!
Listen to the testimony of a young couple from Wisconsin who..."
Q: How many Erisians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "How many of them are there?"
Q: How many Wiccans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Four. One for each quarter.
Q: How many members of IOT does it take to screw in a leigh?
A: Sorry, that ritual is copyrighted.
Q: How many Proteans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I can't tell you--they never change a light bulb the same way twice!
Q: How many Proteans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: How many will fit?
Q: How many Buckland Witches does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "Refer to my second book, "Practical Light Bulb Changing" by Raymond Buckland..."
Q: How many Pagans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to change it, and five to sit around complaining that light bulbs never burned out before
those damned Christians came along.
Q: How many Thelemites does it take....
A: None, Every One of them is a Star.
Q: How many Witches does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What do you want it changed into?
Q: How many Witches does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they do it in great rites.
Q: How many Golden Dawners does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to hold the ladder, one to hold the bulb, three to decipher the Light Bulb Ritual from the
Secret Chiefs, one to publish it, and one to sue all the others.
Q: How many NRDers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 14. One to do it, one to write poetry about it, and 12 to hold a Council and decide whether or not
the poem's authentic.
Magickal...
Q: How many Sex magicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They don't screw in light bulbs, they screw on the altar!
Q: How many Sex magicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only two, but they have to be very small!
Q: How many Tantrics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 2 as long as the lamp is by the bed...
Q: How many Ceremonial magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. They hold it up, and the world revolves around them.
Q: How many Kabbalists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 261.
Astrology
Q: How many Aries does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes a hell of a lot of light bulbs.
Q: How many Taurus does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What, me move?
Q: How many Gemini does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 2
Q: How many Cancer does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he has to bring his mother.
Q: How many Leos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: A dozen. One to change the bulb, and eleven to applaud.
Q: How many Virgos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to clean out the socket, one to dust the bulb, one to install, and two engineers to check the
work.
Q: How many Libras does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Libras can't decide if the bulb needs to be changed.
Q: How many Scorpios does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They LIKE the dark.
Q: How many Sagittarians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to install the bulb, and a Virgo to pick up the pieces.
Q: How many Capricorns does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The light's fine as it is.
Q: How many Aquarians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Have you asked the bulb if it WANTS to be changed?
Q: How many Pisceans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What light bulb?
Q: How many astrologers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "Don't ask me now, Mercury's retrograde!"
General...
Q: How many New Agers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to change it and four to share the experience!
Q: How many New Agers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (in a flaky voice) We don't use light bulbs, we just think happy thoughts at our quartz crystals
and they glow.
Q: How many years does it take for a New-ager to change a light bulb?
A: Well, it takes many many years, unless you pay $650 US non refundable, Visa or MC accepted. Then
you can do it after the weekend intensive training seminar.
Q: How many Boulderites (as in Boulder, CO, mecca of new agers) does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They just join self-help groups to learn to live with darkness in their lives.
Q: How many Odinists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 21, one to hold the light bulb, 20 to drink till the world spins.
You might be a Redneck Pagan if...
* If you think "widdershins" refers to the calves of the bereaved lady next door....
* If you think fetch deer is a command you give yer dawg....
* If you think a goblet is a young turkey....
* If you think Drawing Down the Moon means demolishing the outhouse....
* If you call your coven mates "Bud" and "Sis"....
* If you think a Great Rite is turning onto County Road 13....
* If your Quarter candles smell like kerosene....
* If you pronounce "Athame" as "Athaym" and "Samhain" as "Sammon" or "Sam-hayn"....
* If you think a "Sidhe" is a girl....
* If your idea of the "Goddess" is the Coors Swedish Bikini Ski Team....
* If your Bard plays the banjo....
* If your 'Long Lost Friend really IS....
* If your lawn is decorated with at least one, preferably two or more, plastic pink flamingos,
whom you regard as your familiars....
* If your Wand of Power is a cattle prod....
* If your ceremonial belt has your name on the back and a belt buckle bigger than your head....
* If you call the Quarters by invoking "Billy, Joe, Jim and Bob"....
* If you call the Gods by hollerin' "Hey y'all, watch me!"....
* If your favorite robe has the logo of a manufacturer of major farm equipment on the back....
* If you've ever harvested ritual herbs with a weed wacker....
* If your ritual staff is a double barrel shotgun....
* If your ritual garments include any one of the following: plaid flannels, long johns, a pistol
belt, or cowboy boots....
* If you've ever blessed chewing tobacco or snuff....
* If your ritual wine is Maddog 20/20, Night Train or White Lady 21....
* If the instructions to get to your Covenstead include the words "After you turn off the paved
road"....
* If your altar-cloth is a rebel flag....
* If you use junk cars to mark the four corners of your circle....
* If your Eternal Flame just happens to be under a still....
* If you use an engine block for an altar....
* If your High Priestess is your cousin - as well as your wife....
* If, when drawing down the moon, you say, "Ya'll come on down, ya hear?"....
* If your pickup truck has an Athame rack....
* If your crystal ball is made of polystyrene (i.e., a bowling ball)....
* If your High Priestess has a spittoon on her altar....
You might be a Redneck Pagan!
Pagan Humor
Misc. Jokes
Q: If a Witch practices on the beach, is she a Sandwich?
Q: What's Wiccan, flies around, and makes honey?
A: The Blessed Bee!
Q: What do you say to an angry witch?
A: Ribbit
Q: What's the difference between a New Ager and a Pagan?
A: A decimal point. An item you'll pay $300 to a New Ager for, you can get from a local Pagan for $30.
Q: How do you tell a New Age witch from a NeoPagan Witch?
A: You throw them both in the water. The NeoPagan Witch will float, whereas the New Age Witch will
sink under the weight of all their overpriced crystals....
Q: What happens when a Ceremonial Magician gets angry?
A: He goes Qua-ballistic.
Blonde Jokes
Q: Why did the blond pagan have a lasso?
A: She wanted to draw down the moon.
Q: Why did the blond pagan have a remote control?
A: She wanted to channel.
Q: How can you tell a blonde pagan closed the circle?
A: There's white-out on the floor.
Circle Etiquette (varied sources)
* Never summon Anything you can't banish.
* Never put asafoetida on the rocks in the sweat lodge.
* Do not attempt to walk more than 10 paces while wearing all of your ritual jewelry, dream bags
and crystals at the same time.
* When proposing to initiate someone, do not mention the Great Rite, leer, and say, "Hey, your
trad or mine?"
* Never laugh at someone who is skyclad. They can see you, too.
* Never, *ever* set the Witch on fire.
* Looking at nifty pictures is not a valid path to mastering the ancient grimoires. Please read
thoroughly and carefully from beginning to end so that your madness and gibberings will at least make
some sense.
* A good grasp of ritual and ritual techniques are essential! In the event of a random impaling,
or other accidental death amongst the participants, (see next rule) a quick thinker can improvise to
ensure successful completion of the Rite. Make them another sacrifice, Demons really love those those.
* Watch where you wave the sharp pointy items.
* Avoid walking through disembodied spirits.
* Carry an all-purpose translator's dictionary in case the ritual leader begins talking in some
strange and unknown language.
* Avoid joining your life force to anything with glowing red eyes.
* If asked to sign a contract or pact and you are experiencing doubts or reservations, sign your
neighbor's name. Malevolent entities rarely ask for photo ID.
* Blood IS thicker than water. Soak ritual garments an extra 30-45 minutes.
* While drunken weaving may be mistaken for ecstatic dancing, slurring the names of Deities is
generally considered bad form.
* If the ritual leader should ask for a volunteer, resist the urge to raise your hand! While it is
true that volunteering will most likely gain you stature and prestige amongst the group, thereby
allowing you to advance quickly through the ranks, it is equally likely to get you strapped to a table
and eaten alive by a drooling demonic horde.
Now for those of you who are new, and have never encountered persons calling themselves pagans,
witches, goddess-worshippers, here's how to tell us apart--with a healthy bit of tongue in one's
cheek.
1. Bright-Eyed Novice:
You just read this cool book about a religion where there's a Goddess and a God, and they meet
outside in nature, instead of some scary old building. They think sex is GOOD not evil, and you want
to know where to sign up.
Distinguishing Signs:
Mispronounces god/dess names, has to think a moment about which is deosil and which is
widdershins. Has a shiny new athame (rhymes with "A-frame".)
2. Grand Old Wo/Man:
Actually remembers Woodstock (the first one.) Will tell you about the time they dropped acid with
Kerry Wendell Thornley - or maybe it was Robert Anton Wilson. Anyway, it was somebody with three
names. Or was it three people with one name?
Distinguishing Signs:
Luxuriant gray locks, listens very intently, knows all the famous Witches' and Pagans you've only
read about.
3. Tree Hugging Nature Sprite:
Most prized possession: one of Judi Barry's old tree spikes. Simultaneously believes in universal
love for humanity AND returning the planet to a pristine, uncorrupted state. Apt to remove clothes and
fondle the shrubbery at a moment's notice. Can discuss compost in great detail.
Distinguishing Signs:
No meat, no fragrance, no leather, no plastic, no smoke, no drugs, no eco-exploitive products, no
animal tested cosmetics, no TV, no car, but very tolerant.
4. Anal Retentive Ceremonialist:
Book collection actually holds up the ceiling in places. Is studying Greek, Latin and Hebrew all
at once. Does "workings" instead of "rituals". All twenty volumes of their magical diaries are all in
Enochian.
Distinguishing Signs:
Won't go anywhere without a book. Is constantly aware of which direction is east. Dresses
according to planetary conditions, or whatever was on sale at Wal-Mart.
5. Womyncentric Gynocrat
A man's shadow crossed her altar once and she spent three weeks purifying it. She'll have no wands
in her chalice, thank you. No boys allowed in her full-moon club. Can hold forth for hours on the
magical properties of menstrual blood.
Distinguishing Signs:
Tiny axes or curved knives, just right for amputating a
[censored], are a favored symbol and often hang
conveniently from her body parts. When a man approaches she rolls her eyes and stops talking.
6. Sexy Pagan Nymph:
Oh, they're so nice! All that warm, round, sex-positive flesh -- and you can actually carry on a
conversation with them between orgasms... pant, drool...
Distinguishing Signs:
Cute. Horny. Displays prominent cleavage. Will recite love poetry to you under a full moon. Likes
to do it outdoors. Often destitute. All too few of them.
7. Corporate Closet Witch:
"Hey, boss -- I'd like to take February 2nd as a personal day..." Has an entire chapter of their
Book Of Shadows concerned with spells for purifying the workplace. Doesn't mind working on Christmas,
especially if there's overtime involved. Quit being overtly Pagan at work since being canned by that
born-again boss, but still refuses to say "Merry Christmas."
Distinguishing Signs:
Can assume a properly smiley work persona at the drop of a hat. Constantly glances around the room
anxiously looking for co-workers and their spies. Non-distinctive style of dress, no conspicuous
tattoos.
8. Childe Ov Kaos:
Can name seventeen industrial goth bands without pausing to think. Knows what a Prince Albert is.
Personally feels that if no panicky headlines appear the day after you do a ritual, you screwed up.
Painted on their jacket, engraved in their flesh and/or boldly displayed as jewelry is an emblem which
resembles a combination of corporate logo and arcane symbol. If you don't know what it means, they'll
think you're a dweeb.
Distinguishing Signs:
Easy to picture as an alternative musician or bike messenger, difficult to visualize as a school
teacher or research assistant, impossible to imagine as a TV news anchor or bank officer. Always wears
black leather, even when sleeping.
9. Pagan Celebrity:
At conventions, stays on the hotel floor that requires a special key for elevator access. Lurks
around knots of conversation eavesdropping in order to see if their name is being mentioned. Arrives
in helicopter especially for rituals. Starts every sentence with "I". If you ask them how it's going,
they hand you a press release.
Distinguishing Signs:
Always has plenty of books to autograph and will personally sell them to you at a slight discount
from cover price. Never seen unaccompanied by beefy amazonian bodyguards and doe-eyed hangers-on.
Seems vaguely afraid of anyone they don't already know.
10. Scary Devil Worshipper:
Would never been caught dead skyclad. Rarely smiles, except in a snide, knowing way which
insinuates you are an ignorant peasant worthy of conquest. Secretly enjoys Rush Limbaugh and read The
Bell Curve with smug satisfaction. Fascinated with Nazis. Probably has never hurt a fly, but they want
you to think they're capable of vast destruction.
Distinguishing Signs:
Lots of black and red. Men like goatees, women favor heavy black eye liner. At least one inverted
pentagram somewhere on their person. If you see several of them getting tanked in a bar, it would be
wise to stay far away.
11. Crowley-In-A-Past-Life:
Every magical gathering has at least one of these, along with several variants along the lines of
Gerald Gardner, Tituba, Morgan LeFey, or somebody who was Atlantean royalty. Many of them were
abducted by aliens recently, and have disturbing dreams rich with arcane symbolism that they will tell
you all about, in great detail.
Distinguishing Signs:
Look for the intense gleam in the eyes, the backpack rattling with various psychiatric
medications, and the garments that were clearly designed and tailored on another planet.
12. Ravin' Pagan:
Young and psychedelic. Can dance non-stop all night. Refuses to do boring Eurocentric rituals and
prefers deities from sunny climes with lots of interesting local plants. Can say "Ayahuasca" ten times
real fast and deliver long quotes from Terrence McKenna.
Distinguishing Signs:
Dresses in color combinations that hurt the eyes unless you've taken ecstasy. Bloodshot eyes,
blissful smile, never goes anywhere without ritual drum.
13. Faerie Queen:
Is he a she? Is she a he? Are they a couple, or are those two a couple or are all four of them a
quadruple? If getting answers to these questions could disturb you, best stay away. If, on the other
hand, these kind of questions seem overly judgmental, you might have a real good time...
Distinguishing Signs:
When you look at this person, does every sex act you've ever experienced in your life seem
hopelessly vanilla? If so, congratulations -- you've found a Faerie!
14. High Episcopagan:
Do their rituals have a script, a choreographer, a stage manager, an orchestra with chorus and
last at least three hours? It's a High Episcopagan! They can memorize pages and pages of Olde English,
have more ritual garbs than most people have socks, and consider their main pagan influences to be
Gerald Gardner, Judy Garland and Busby Berkeley.
Distinguishing Signs:
Book of Shadows exceeds five volumes. Knows every note of "Carmina Burana". Don't ask them about
that 18th century seed pearl trim on their ritual hat unless you've got an hour to spare.
15. Fundamentapagan:
If it's in a book, it must be true. If it's in an old book, it must really be true. If it's in an
old book that was handed down from an oral tradition of people who couldn't read or write, then it
must really be way true. Gnashes their teeth if anyone shows up at a circle wearing a watch, glasses,
or other mechanical assistance. Believes that anyone who lives in a city, eats meat or has a regular
job, dare not call themselves a pagan.
Distinguishing Signs:
Has hissy fits when somebody brings up the old "Crowley ghosted Gardner's books" argument. Goes
around correcting everyone's gaelic/old norse/latin/babylonian.
16. Dances With Bunny rabbits:
Uses animal symbolism to express nearly all opinions and feelings. Charter member of PETA. Thinks
meat eaters should be publicly executed. Has many, many, many pets. Has a spirit animal. Personally
owns 927 models, pictures, and other depictions of their spirit animal.
Distinguishing Signs:
Not counting the pagan his/herself, how many animals can you see when looking at them? If the
count surpasses five (including critters found on tattoos, jewelry, garments and undies), you've found
a worshipper of beasties.
17. Priest/ess of Political Correctness:
Analyzes everything they read or hear for sexist-racist-homophobic-imperialist-Eurocentric content
without paying attention to what is actually being said. Believes in personal liberty -- everyone has
the right to be overbearing, dogmatic and holier-than-thou, not just the Xtian Right. Incredibly
boring yet annoyingly self-righteous all at the same time.
Distinguishing Signs:
Beady hyper-alert little eyes are constantly in motion, waiting for someone to do or say something
bad. Has loud and attention attracting hissy fits when confronted with everyday things such as
advertising or corporate franchises. Rudimentary sense of humor is rarely activated.
18. Our Lady Of Intense Suffering:
Is constantly persecuted. You're probably persecuting her right now, you just don't realize it.
Became a Pagan because she decided it was the most persecuted religion of all. Can't enjoy anything
because it would be selfish to have any fun when so many are suffering.
Distinguishing Signs:
Tales of woe. Even less of a sense of humor than #17. Bristles when anyone says the words
"masochist" or "whining".
19. I Am Not Spock (at the moment):
Knows at least three filks about Cthulhu and at least forty Star Trek jokes. Has found a clever
way to create simple furniture from stacks of science fiction paperbacks. Can name ninety different
kinds of space ship.
Distinguishing Signs:
Two fisted drinking style. Probably still lives with parents. Many cryptic buttons, badges,
patches and other insignia. Too smart for their own good.
20. Het-Case:
Insist that they aren't homophobic; they just believe that Paganism is about a goddess and a god
and they do it and what could be more obvious than that? It just doesn't "work right" if you try any
other way! Are secretly afraid that gays and/or lesbians are dying to jump their tender hetro bones.
Distinguishing Signs:
Living spaces abound with depictions of satyrs with enormous genitals and huge-breasted, doe-eyed
goddesses. Long manicured nails and wreaths of flowers (on females only -- men have big, bushy beards
instead.)
21. Norse Code:
Heroic and vikingly, these pagans often get into trouble with festival organizers and park rangers
due to their fondness for running around with a huge battle-ax in one hand and a full mead horn in the
other. They throw the best parties, but if you're a wimp, you're expressly not invited.
Distinguishing Signs:
Look for the large, foreboding, biker-like persons wearing runes, with many pounds of amber
dangling from their necks.
22. Pentacles, Inc:
Pagans have disposable income too, right? So how come they aren't buying my hand forged Venus of
Willendorf necklaces -- they come in silver and gold, and each one has a genuine cubic zirconium belly
button. Would you like a reading? Will that be Visa or Master Card?
Distinguishing Signs:
Has business cards featuring little embossed pentagrams. You've never seen so much Egyptian
god/dess jewelry on a human being in your whole life. Rarely leaves the dealer's room and can't
believe there are so many jewelry sellers present.
23. Monster Truck Pagan:
Can grow their own food, build their own house, sew their own clothes, home school their children
and brew their own mead. Are looking forward to the bleak, post-apocalyptic world postulated by the
environmentalists as they can't wait to run amok through the country, worshipping ancient gods,
blowing up strip malls and rutting on the divider line of every interstate.
Distinguishing Signs:
Resourceful, clever and very well versed in the U. S. Constitution. Eats meat with visible
twitches of pleasure. is aware that primitive religions have nothing to do with crystals, Atlantis or
unicorns. Can assume a properly smiley work persona at the drop of a hat. Constantly glances around
the room anxiously looking for co-workers and their spies. Non-distinctive hair, no conspicuous
tattoos.
... You may be a monster-truck pagan if your anointing oil is 30 weight.
... You may be a monster truck pagan if cakes & wine means tailgate party.
... You may be a monster truck pagan if Autumn is the Burning Time.
Magic at the turn of the Millenium
The nature of spirituality and magic has changed substantially in the last few centuries. In medieval
times, people felt themselves surrounded by hostile forces beyond their control, and they developed
spells and other rituals to protect themselves. Today we are still surrounded by hostile forces beyond
our control, but the spells and rituals have changed to meet modern needs. Herewith a list of
medieval spells, items, and spiritual concepts, and their current equivalents:
Medieval Magic Modern Magic
-------------- -----------------------------
Summon spirit of the dead Summon waiter
Heal the sick Heal bad haircut
Garlic turns away vampire Garlic turns away tax auditor
Confession absolves sin Confession obtains plea-bargain
Exorcise demonic possession Exorcise daughter's interest in biker
Exorcise demonic possession 2 Exorcise mother-in-law from property
Charm a dragon Charm your date
Cast out demons Cast out cockroaches
Remove curse Remove pimple
Dispel evil spirit Dispel smell of dope in car
Fairies are playful woodland creatures Fairies are playful urban creatures
Brownies are malicious Brownies are delicious
Witches' brew Vicks Nyquil
Venal sin Misdemeanor
Mortal sin Felony
Papal indulgence Mayor can fix parking tickets
Lay curse on overlord Lose boss' overheads
Mortification of the flesh Waiting in line at the DMV
Abstinence Yeah, right. (AS IF!)
Burning at the stake "60 Minutes" exposee'
Sleeping potion C-SPAN
Protective amulet Car alarm (equally effective)
Limbo Gridlock
Last rites avoid purgatory Last will avoids probate
Damn to Hell Report to IRS Audit
Love potion Rogaine (equally desperate measures)
Sell soul for riches (no change)
Raise the dead Raise the Dow
The Top 10 Reasons Why Athames Are Black:
1.So they'll go with any color of robe.
2.So you can cover up nicks & scratches with shoe polish.
3.It's slimming (can't have fat athames, can we?)
4.It doesn't show dirt.
5.Because finding a dropped athame during an outdoor ritual in the dark is a test of loyalty
to your faith.
6.It's so much more dignified than chartreusse.
7.Seemed like a good idea at the time.
8.Someone spilled all the paints together and that's what ended up.
9.No, no! Black is for winter rituals--use white before Labor Day!
And the #1 reason athames are black....
1.So that we'd have something to argue about other than how "athame" is pronounced!
Bide the Wiccan Laws we must,
So we don't end up as newts, we trust.
Cast the Circle thrice about,
To keep Mormon missionaries out.
Let the spell be spake in rhyme,
To make it silly every time.
Soft of eye and light of touch,
Don't speak with your mouth full, listen much.
Deosil go by the blue moon,
You saw me standing alone,
By the Witches' Rune.
Widdershins go by harvest moon,
Up in the sky,
Cause I ain't had no love'n since January February June or July.
By the light of the silvery moon,
I'd like to spoon,
To my honey I'll croon,
Loves tune.
Heed the North wind's mighty gale,
for then's the after Christmas sale.
When the wind comes from the South,
go on vacation for thy health.
When the wind blows from the Southwest,
hiding in the basement's best.
When the wind blows from the East,
fart thou to the west.
Nine woods in the golf bag go,
Have your caddie carry slow.
Elder be the Lady's tree,
Spray it down with DDT.
When the Wheel begins to turn,
Let leaves in the yard begin to burn.
When the Wheel has turned to Yule,
Light the furnace and burn some fuel
Heed ye flower, bush and tree,
For some might poison ivy be.
Where the rippling waters go,
portage round or leaks you'll know.
When ye have a true need,
charge it not lest thy finances bleed.
With a fool no season spend,
Lest ye see yourself in him.
Merry meet and merry part,
Light in the loafers and gay the heart.
When misfortune is anew,
Make sure insurance premiums are not overdue.
Mind the Threefold Law you should,
Mercy is not known by earth water and wood.
Twelve words the Wiccan Redact fulfill:
And it harm none but thee and God, do what ye will.
Ten Ways to
[censored] Off Pagans
1. Ask them if they are Satan worshippers.
2. Be considerate, rearrange their altar so it will look neat.
3. Blow out their altar candle if it is still day light. (No need to waste a good candle!)
4. Pick up their gems for a closer look.
5. Sharpen their dull black-handled knife.
6. Witness to them about the "true religion".
7. Untie the knots in their cord.
8. Take hold of their jewelry for a closer look.
9. Play card games with their Tarot cards.
10. Ask them again if they are Satan worshippers.
As we all know, WWJD? is "What Would Jesus Do?" Now we have:
WWAD? A= Artemis- Turn him into a stag to be torn apart by his barking poodle.
WWAD? A= Athena- Stare him down (Then beat the crap out of them... in a logical manner.)
WWAD? A= Adonis- Take them boar hunting.
WWAD? A= Anubis- Give them a fine funeral.
WWAD? A= Appolo- Test their musical skills... in a fair contest.
WWAD? A= Aphrodite- Don`t you mean "Who" would Aphrodite do?
WWAD? A= Attis- First off... his voice would get REAL HIGH!...
WWAD? A= Astarte- Make love AND war.
WWAD? A= Aequitas- Give them a fair deal.
WWAD? A= Angerona (Goddess of secrecy)-Not gonna tell ya!
WWBD? B= Baal- Shine some light on it.
WWBD? B= Bacchus- Get them drunk and turn them into dolphins.
WWBD? B= Boreas- Blow them out of the water.
WWBD? B= Britannia- Rule!
WWBD? B= Buddha- Does it matter? If you are enlightened it does not. If you are not enlightened it
still doesn`t matter.
WWCD? C= Ceres- Discuss it calmly while holding a scythe.
WWCD? C= Ceridwen- Stir it up one more time.
WWCD? C= Chaos- No one is quite sure... but it will be messy and interesting.
WWCD? C= Cthulu- Does it matter? No one will survive anyway.
WWDD? D= Demeter- Lay waste to your lands if you don`t have her daughter back by 10 p.m.! (And DON`T
lay a hand on her!)
WWDD? D= Discordia- Here... have an apple...IF you are the fairest!
WWED? E= Epona- Give them a good tip on a fast horse in the sixth.
WWED? E= Ereskigal- Strip them and hang them on a hook to rot.
WWTED? ET= The Elueusinians- It`s a mystery!
WWFD? F= Flora- Say it with flowers.
WWFD? F= Fortuna- Play the lottery.
WWFD? F= Fides- Keep good faith.
WWGD? G= Gaia- Remind them to worship the ground they stand on.
WWHD? H= Hades- Tell them to go to Hell.
WWHD? H= Hecate- Show them the right path... or is it the left?
WWHD? H= Hera- She`d get jealous.
WWHD? H= Hercules- He`d labor to come up with an answer.
WWHD? H= Hermes- Tell them to get the message or take a hike.
WWHD? H= Herne- Lead them on a Wild Hunt!
WWID? I= Iris- Paint them a rainbow to send the message.
WWID? I=Isis- Find every part of them after they are torn apart.
WWJD? J= Janus- Look the other way.
WWJD? J= Juno- Make sure they marry well.
WWJD? J= Jupiter- Strike them down with a bolt from the blue.
WWKD? K= Kali- Tear out their beating heart, drink their blood & dance on their trembling corpse.
Then wear parts as jewelry.
WWKD? K= Klotho- Wind it up.
WWKD? K= Kwan Yin- Show them some mercy.
WWLD? L= Loki- Turn left at the next street, buy five chickens, "borrow" some jewelry, change into a
seal and steal some apples. For starters.
WWLD? L= Luna- Moon them!
WWMD? M= Mithras- Cut the bull!
WWMD? M= Mars- Suit up for battle.
WWMD? M= Mercury- Change his mind... again.
WWND? N= Narcissus- Huh? Is there someone else here?
WWND? N= Neptune- Ride the ninth wave.
WWND? N= Nemesis- Get "furious".
WWND? N= Nike- Be victorious.
WWND? N= Nyx- "Good Night!"
WWOD? O= Osiris- Cut to the "bone".
WWOD? O= Odin- Hang on a tree for nine days until you start seeing things.
WWOD? O= Orpheus- SIng the blues.
WWPD? P= Pan- Tell them to pipe down of F_ck off.
WWPD? P= Pax- Tell them "peace".
WWPD? P= Persephone- Just take a little bite, it wont be that bad.
WWPD? P= Pluto- Hump Minnie`s leg.
WWPD? P= Poseidon- Have an adventure... but there has to be a morning after.
WWPD? P= Prometheus- GIve it some thought first.
WWSD? S= Set- You don`t want to know but it wont be nice.
WWSD? S= Shiva- Start all over again.
WWTD? T= Themis- Put on a blindfold before she decides.
WWTD? T= Thor- Hammer it out.
WWVD? V= Vesta- Keep the home fires burning.
WWVD? V= Vulcan- Live long and prosper.
WWYD? Y= Yahweh- "I hear you, I hear you. Stop with the burning bush already! OY!
WWZD? Z= Zeus- By Jove, he`d flirt with the girls!
Three Wiccan priestesses are on a hiking trip when they reach a river.
The eldest priestess doesn't even pause, but confidently walks across the river.
The second priestess, a bit younger, looks at the river and thinks,
"If she can do it, I can do it," and walks across.
The third and youngest of the three looks at the river and thinks,
"If they can do it, I can do it," and promptly falls into the river.
As she paddles to the other side, the second priestess says to the
first, "You think we shoulda told her about the stepping stones?"
The first priestess says, "What stepping stones?"
The Pope's Bad News
Bishop to Pope. "I have good news and bad news."
Pope "What's the good news?
Bishop "God is Alive."
Pope "That's very good news, what's the bad news?"
Bishop "She is dancing with the Witches at Fort Hood."
A Priest, a Rabbi and a Pagan Priestess
As part of an Interfaith community project, A right wing Christian priest, a rabbi,
and a Pagan priestess decided that in order to improve relations in the
community, they will go on a fishing trip together on a local pond.
They're out in the boat, and the Pagan priestess excuses herself to go to the
bathroom back on the shore. She gets out, walks across the water back to shore,
and then walks back across the water to the boat.
The Christian priest looks in amazement, crosses himself, and they
continue fishing. It comes on about noon time, and the rabbi realizes they
left their lunches back on shore. So he gets up, walks across the water to
the shore, retrieves the lunches, and walks back across the water to the boat.
The Christian priest, now completely amazed, and a little bit
righteous, thinks, "not to be outdone by two heathens, I can do that
too!!" So he gets up, excuses himself to go to the bathroom, takes a
step out of the boat and promptly sinks to the bottom.
While he's flailing around in the water, the rabbi looks at the priestess
and says, "Do you think we should have told him about the rocks?"
The Pagan priestess replies, "What rocks?"
YOU MIGHT BE GIVING PAGANS A BAD NAME IF....
You insist that your boss call you "Rowan Starchild" because otherwise
you'd sue for religious harrassment. (Score double for this if you don't
let that patronizing bastard call you "Mr. or Ms. Starchild.")
You've ever confused the Prime Directive with the Wiccan Rede.
You've ever cast a spell with twenty-sided dice.
You said it was bigotry when they didn't let you do that ritual in
front of city hall. It had nothing to do with the skyclad bit.
You picketed The Craft and Hocus Pocus, but thought that the losers
who picketed The Last Temptation of Christ needed to get lives.
You've ever publicly claimed to be an elf, alien, vampire, faerie, or demigod,
and been genuinely surprised when not everyone took you seriously.
You've ever publically claimed to be the reincarnation of Gardner, Merlin,
Aleister Crowley, King Arthur, Cleopatra, Morgana Le Fay, or Jim Henson,
and been genuinely surprised when not everyone took you seriously.
You've suddenly realised in the middle of a ritual that you weren't playing D&D.
You've failed to realise at any point in the ritual that you weren't playing D&D.
You've suddenly realised that you are playing D&D.
Your Book of Shadows is a rulebook for Vampire:
The Masquerade with notes in the margins.
You've ever effected an Irish or Scottish accent and insisted that it was real.
You talk to your invisible guardians in public.
(Score double if you save places for them in crowded restaurants)
(Score triple if you admit to having sex with them)
You've ever claimed to have met the Vampire Lestat or Dracula.
(Score double if you got into a fight and escaped)
(Score triple if it was no contest)
You've ever tried something you saw on Sabrina, The Teenage Witch
You've ever had to go along with someone's ludicrous story because
it was twice as likely to be true than most of the crap you spout.
You expect your employer to exempt you from the random drug testing
because of your religion.
You've won an argument by referencing Drawing Down the Moon,
knowing damn good and well they haven't read it either.
You've ever referenced the Great Rite in a pick-up line.
Someone has had to point out to you that you do not enter a circle "in
perfect love and perfect lust." (Score double if you argued the point.)
You claim to be a famtrad (hereditary), but you're not.
(Score double if you had to tell people you were adopted to pull this off.)
You claim to be a descendant of one of the original Salem Witches.
(Score to a lethal degree if you don't get this one.)
You've ever used tongue delivering the fivefold kiss.
(score double if you did it more than once.)
You've ever used reincarnation as the intro for a pick up line.
(You may deduct this point if it worked.)
You think it's perfectly reasonable to insist that, since every
tradition is different, and no one tradition is right, there's no
reason not to do things your way.
You request Samhain, Beltaine, and Yule off and then bitch about
working Christmas.
The thing that drew you to the Craft was the potential to dance with
naked members of the opposite sex.
You strip in a club like the one in Porky's under your craft name, and
consider it highly appropriate.
You've ever been psychically attacked by someone who conveniently held
a coven position you crave, and suddenly had a glimpse into their
mind so you could see how evil they were.
You've ever achieved position or influence in a coven by sleeping with half of it.
You claim yourself as a witch because how early you were trained by
the wise and powerful such-and-such. Of whom nobody has heard.
You complain about how much the Native Americans copied from
Eclectic Wiccan Rites.
You're not a hereditary witch but you have a good disposition to it
because your ancestors (the ones before your german parents) were
Native American or Irish.
You don't know the difference between Irish and Scottish, and you
alternately claim to be both.
You think it's your Pagan Duty to support the IRA, not because of any
political beliefs you might share, but because, damnit, they're IRISH.
You think the number of Wiccan books you own is far more important
than the number you have read, regardless of the fact that most of
your books are for beginners.
You hang out with people who each match at least fifteen of these traits.
You recognize many of these traits in yourself, but this test isn't
about you. But, boy, it's right about those other folks.
WHAT IS YOUR HORRORSCOPE?
AQUARIUS JAN 20 - FEB 18: You are progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you
are inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes repeatedly.
Everyone thinks you are a
[censored]ing jerk.
PISCES FEB 19 - MAR 20: You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by
the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence over your friends and people resent you for flaunting your
power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people screw small animals and pick
their nose a lot.
ARIES MAR 21 - APRIL 19: You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are
quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are a prick. You like having sex in crowds and
switching up on partners.
TAURUS APR 20 - MAY 20: You are practical and persistent. You have lots of determination and
work like hell. Most people think you are a snob and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamn
communist, who loves oral sex.
GEMINI MAY 21 - JUNE 20: You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you
are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a
cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.
CANCER JUNE 21 - JULY 22: You are sympathetic and understanding of others problems. They think
you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. This is why you will always be on welfare and
won't be worth a
[censored].
LEO JULY 23 - AUG 22: You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are a pussy. Most
Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting.
Leo people are thieving bastards and kiss mirrors a lot. Most Leos have herpes.
VIRGO AUG 23 - SEPT 22: You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit-picking is
sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while screwing. Virgos
make good bus drivers and pimps.
LIBRA SEPT 23 - OCT 22: You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If
you are a male, you are probably queer. Chances for employment and money gains are pathetic. Most
Libra women are whores. All Libras die of Venereal Diseases.
SCORPIO OCT 23 - NOV 21: You are shrewd in business and can not be trusted. You will screw
anything from a witch to a wizard. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.
SAGITTARIUS NOV 22 - DEC 21: You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency
to rely on luck, since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks or pot-heads.
People laugh at you a lot because you are always getting screwed.
CAPRICORN DEC 22 - JAN 19: You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically
chicken-
[censored]. There was never a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.
COVEN PECKING ORDER
HIGH PRIEST: Leaps tall builings in a single bound, is more powerful than a speeding locomotive, is
faster than a speeding bullet, walks on water, and dictates policy to God.
3RD DEGREE INITIATE: Leaps short buildings in a single bound, more powerful than a switch engine, is
just as fast as a speeding bullet, walks on water...if the sea is calm, and talks to God.
2ND DEGREE INITIATE: Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds, is faster than a
BB, more powerful than a railroad hand-car, walks on water in a swimming pool, and talks to God...if a
special request is approved.
1ST DEGREE INITIATE: Clears a small hut, loses the race with the locomotive, can fire a speeding
bullet, swims well, and is occasionally addressed by God.
NEOPHYTE: Runs into small buildings, recognizes a locomotive two out of three times, frequently wets
self with a water pistol, can do the dog paddle, and mostly mumbles to animals.
HIGH PRIESTESS: Lifts tall buildings to walk under them, kicks locomotives off the track, catches
speeding bullets in her teeth, freezes water with a single glance. SHE *IS* GOD!
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