I have had a dream the last 2 nights that was so disgustingly vivid that now I fear another horrific tragedy for my family.

Our fire was literally just 4 months ago and I can still see the flames and smell the smoke. The night I first had the dream we had gone to the house to clean out some of the things we have in the garage. I need clothes for my clients and I wanted to clean up what furniture was out there before the fire, that had been stored out there. Everytime I drive down there I stare at the house, expecting to see flames and smoke. Now all I see is a partial shell of a home, walls gone, charred remains of what was supposed to be our happy home. They have started to take it apart, a little at a time but it looks ghostly and very unhappy.

Anyway, I went home and washed all my clothes. They still reek of smoke, so a second wash, or third and fourth will have to be done to get the smell out of them. I went to bed with a serious migraine, no suprise considering everytime I am near anything slightly smokey I get one. I closed my eyes and started a peaceful dream here in our rental home, which was quickly shattered.

It took seconds for my dream to become a new nightmare. In the dream I was in bed asleep and I smelled smoke, I could literally smell fresh smoke. I jumped from my bed and rushed to get the boys, who were already in the living room screaming not again mom. This fire started in the kitchen, which happens to be near my bedroom. I took the kids out, ran back in to get my purse, keys, and our dog and cat. I took that stuff and handed it to the boys then ran back in to get all the cable boxes after the nightmare we went through last time with them and the accusations. I came out with them and started back in when my oldest begged me not to, I said I have to save everything Matt, we cant lose it all again.

So in the next few seconds of the dream I frantically coughed and heaved and shoved what I could trying to save all our belongings from the same fate we had previously. Reason for my insanity? Since the last fire I have called everywhere looking for renters insurance to cover all our new things but no one will insure me. Needless to say, we again lost everything but this time, no one wanted to let us stay with them. No one helped us out. We slept in my car with no food, except for at night when I would sneak into restaurant parking lots after hours and go through dumpsters. I felt abandonded and I felt lost, more lost then ever.

When I woke up the next morning I had tears on my pillow and my face was streaked and still wet from crying in my sleep. The next night I had the same dream, smelled the smoke and this time I felt the flames as I jumped through them to try and salvage our things.

I am staying away from the house for a bit in hopes that I dont have this nightmare again. It was too real for me to have to continue to go through another time. Let alone I would die if this happened to my boys again. They have suffered enough and deserve to have more. thank goodness they have inherited my strength.