He lay her on the table so white & clean & bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat, he rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck and felt her breasts and drooling touched her thighs.
The slit was wet and everything set, he gave a joyful cry.
The hole was wide, he looked inside: All was dark & murky.
He rubbed his hands then stretched his arms, then stuffed that bloody Turkey. 

May I wish you and your dirty mind a very

Just a quick message for all my friends on the other side of the Atlantic

Did you know that yesterday (1st November) was National Bra Day?

Even better than that ..... today - 2nd November - is National Men Make Dinner Day!

So go for it girls - just don't expect too much from your man or you may be dissapointed.

And tomorrow - 3rd November - is National Sandwich Day.

The 4th November isn't as exciting  (unless you an egyptology fan) - its National King Tut Day.

But the 5th November is another good one.... as well as being Guy Fawkes Night 

its also National Donut Day. 

Okay everyone - I need you to settle an argument for me.

Both my stepson, Luke, and myself carved pumpkins this year and we each think our own is the better of the two.  We're both extrtemely competitive people so we both want to win.  So I decided to ask my grab friends for their opinions. 

Here are the two pics - just tell me which one you think is best - and its okay to be honest - I won't sulk too much if you don't choose mine.. . . . . . . . . .. honest! 

Oh, and by the way....... out of the kids that came to the door, the vote count was 16 - 2.

The Scariest Thing 

by Mairi Tereas Gallagher

Some things are scary Others are not,

Like ghosts and goblins, And things that rot

Cats and dogs are not scary At all,

All they do is play chase And catch a ball.

But the scariest thing Creeps around at night,

Looking for victims To scratch and bite.

It hides its face It's too ugly to see,

It rules all the monsters, Both tall and wee.

Those who've seen his face,

Their eyes burst and bleed,

They beg for mercy "Spare us, spare us," they plead.

But he's not a giver He takes what he finds,

All sorts of people Both sightseers and blind.

You've got the picture,

That he is the king Of everything scary,

Every little scary thing.

So watch out at night 'cause if By him you're seen,

He'll give you an evil grin And say...

Sorry I haven't blogged for a while but my car needed washing again!!

I went to the car wash and I had to have them re-wash it 5 times!!!  Can you believe that they kept missing spots.......

so if you don't hear from me for a week or so - you'll know where I am.....

Off  to the car wash again.

This is a specially formulated diet designed to help WOMEN cope with the stress that builds during the day.
 
BREAKFAST

1 Grapefruit

1 slice wholemeal toast

1 cup skimmed milk



LUNCH

A blonde goes on Who Want's To Be a Millionaire.

Chris Tarrant: "Tracey, you've done very well so far - £500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.

The next question will give you the top prize of One Million pounds if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to £32,000 -- are you ready?"

Tracey: "Sure, I'll have a go!"

Chris Tarrant: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?  Is it........

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush

Remember Tracey its worth 1 Million pounds."

Tracey: "I think I know it..but I'm not 100%...   No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Chris, just to be sure.

Chris: "Yes, who, Tracey, do you want to phone?

Tracey: "I'll phone my friend Sharon back home in Essex."

(ringing)

Sharon (also a blonde): "Hello..."

Chris: "Hello Sharon, its Chris Tarrant here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Tracey here and she is doing really well on £500,000, but needs your help to win a Million pounds.  The next voice you hear will be Tracey’s and she'll read you the question.   There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Tracey."

Tracey: "Sharon, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush"

Sharon: "Oh Tracey, that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."

Tracey: "You think?"

Sharon: "I'm sure."

Tracey: " Thanks Sharon." (hangs up)

Chris: "Well, do you want to stick on £500,000 or play on for the Million, Tracey?"

Tracey: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"

Chris: "Is that your final answer?"

Tracey: "It is."

Chris: "Are you confident?"

Tracey: "Yes fairly, Sharon's a sound bet."

Chris: "Tracey.....you had £500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! – Congratulations. You have just won ONE MILLION POUNDS!  Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Tracey."

(clapping)

That night Tracey calls round to Sharon’s and takes her to the West End for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Tracey turns to Sharon and asks "Tell me Sharon, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Sharon: "Listen Tracey, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."

I got this from AngieM's blog and thought it worthy of posting here.  And I'm sure all you ladies out there will identify with some of it if not all of it.

WHY WOMEN ARE CRABBY

We started to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old, only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears.

So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.

Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens. Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.

Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.

Then it' was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over the bog. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking and squashing our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby. Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee'd our pants every time we sneezed.

When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of a shop and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the hospital.

Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the midwife says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Smith. Calm down and push. Just one more good push (more like 10)," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the b*#ch - (and the hubby - square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb bowling ball through a keyhole.

After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.

Then come their "Teen Years." Need I say more!

When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.

So we progress into the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood.  It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.

Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...

So, while I love being a woman, "Womanhood" would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby.

Women are the "weaker sex"?  Yeah right.

I want to know when all my grab friends' birthdays are so it'd be really great if you could all leave a comment on this blog and let me know.  That way I can be sure not to miss anyone out ...... again!!

Tongue Twisters

Here are some funny and sometimes hard and
challenging tongue twisters

Sally sells seashells by the seashore.
The shells Sally sells surely won’t sail
But since Sally sells sea shells and not ship sails,
Surely she’ll sell all the shiny sea shells she’s soon shipping on sale.


Uma Mona Newman

There once was a woman
Named Uma Mona Newman
She nimbly made feminine M&Ms

She didn't like a lot of 'em
She only liked the minimum
She loved the mini-cinnamon
And the aluminum chrysanthemum.

So Uma Mona Newman
Nimbly made for the millennium
A minimum of feminine
Yummy mini-cinnamon
Chrysanthemum aluminum M&Ms.


If two witches were watching two watches, which witch would watch which watch?


How much wood would a woodchuck chuck
if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
He would chuck, he would, as much as he could,
and chuck as much wood as a woodchuck would
if a woodchuck could chuck wood.


A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk,
but the stump thunk the skunk stunk


These thousand tricky tongue twisters trip thrillingly off the tongue .


Betty Botter bought some butter, but she said "this butter's bitter! But a bit of better butter will but make my butter better" So she bought some better butter, better than the bitter butter, and it made her butter better so 'twas
better Betty Botter bought a bit of better butter!


A flea and a fly flew up in a flue.
Said the flea, "Let us fly!"
Said the fly, "Let us flee!"
So they flew through a flaw in the flue.


Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.
Did Peter Piper pick a peck of pickled peppers?
If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers,
where's the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?

Perspicacious Polly Perkins purchased Peter Piper's pickled products And peddled pretty popular pickles to produce a pretty proper profit!


If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker,
It's slick to stick a lock upon your stock,
Or some stickler who is slicker
Will stick you of your liquor
If you fail to lock your liquor
With a lock!



Mr. See owned a saw.
And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw.
Now, See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw
Before Soar saw See,
Which made Soar sore.
Had Soar seen See's saw
Before See sawed Soar's seesaw,
See's saw would not have sawed
Soar's seesaw.
So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.
But it was sad to see Soar so sore
just because See's saw sawed
Soar's seesaw.



Ned Nott was shot  and Sam Shott was not.
So it is better to be Shott than Nott.
Some say Nott was not shot.
But Shott says he shot Nott.
Either the shot Shott shot at Nott was not shot, or Nott was shot.
If the shot Shott shot shot Nott, Nott was shot.
But if the shot Shott shot shot Shott, then Shott was shot, not Nott.
However, the shot Shott shot shot shot Nott not Shott.


Freshly-fried flying fish.



Greek grapes go great draped on crates of crushed dates.



There was a young fisher named Fischer
Who fished for a fish in a fissure.
The fish with a grin,
Pulled the fisherman in;
Now they're fishing the fissure for Fischer.


The epitome of femininity
With double indemnity

WHAT HE REALLY MEANS..........

These translations are for all the women out there, so that you will know what he really means when he says….....

"IT'S A GUY THING"

Translated:* "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"

Translated:* "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"

Translated:* Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"

Translated:* "I have no idea how it works."

"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."

Translated:* "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."

Translated:* "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."

Translated:* "I remember the theme song to 'M.A.S.H.' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle registration numbers of every car I've ever owned... but I forgot your birthday."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."

Translated:* "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."

Translated:* "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."

Translated:* "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"

Translated:* "What did you catch me at?"

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."

Translated:* "If I stop the car will YOU ask for directions?"

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."

Translated:* "I make the messes; she cleans them up."

I love receiving the "friend" chain letter things - especially this weekend cos I'm poorly, sick and dying with a chest infection and a nasty cold - or man flu if you want to call it that!  ..... all sympathy is gratefully accepted

However I appreciate that not everyone likes receiving them so I tend not to pass them on so please don't take offence if you don't get them back, it doesn't mean I don't consider you one of my friends.

I decided that instead of passing them on I'm going to post them to my blog or to a poster. 

Thank you charliesmate and leomags for this one.

T-bones and yellow roses
Here's to T-bone steaks, yellow roses and friendship.
READ THIS!!!! and then reread it. Especially the last part...

I walked into the grocery store not particularly interested in buying groceries. I wasn't hungry. The pain of losing my husband of 7 years was still too raw. And this grocery store held so many sweet memories.

He often came with me and almost every time he'd pretend to go off and look for something special. I knew what he was up to I'd always spot him walking down the aisle with the three yellow roses in his hands.

He knew I loved yellow roses. With a heart filled with grief, I only wanted to buy my few items and leave, but even grocery shopping was different since he had passed on.

Shopping for one took time, a little more thought than it had for two.

Standing by the meat, I searched for the perfect small steak and remembered how he had loved his steak.

Suddenly a woman came beside me. She was blonde, slim and lovely in a soft green pantsuit. I watched as she picked up a large package of T-bones, dropped them in her basket.. Hesitated, and then put them back. She turned to go and once again reached for the pack of steaks.

She saw me watching her and she smiled. "My husband loves T-bones, but honestly, at these prices, I don't know."

I swallowed the emotion down my throat and met her pale blue eyes.

"My husband passed away eight days ago," I told her. Glancing at the package in her hands, I fought to control the tremble in my voice. "Buy him the steaks. And cherish every moment you have together."

She shook her head and I saw the emotion in her eyes as she placed the package in her basket and wheeled away.

I turned and pushed my cart across the length of the store to the dairy products. There I stood, trying to decide which size milk I should buy. A Quart, I finally decided and moved on to the ice cream. If nothing else, I could always fix myself an ice cream cone.

I placed the ice cream in my cart and looked down the aisle toward the front. I saw first the green suit, then recognized the pretty lady coming towards me. In her arms she carried a package. On her face was the brightest smile I had ever seen. I would swear a soft halo encircled her blonde hair as she kept walking toward me, her eyes holding mine.

As she came closer, I saw what she held and tears began misting in my eyes. "These are for you," she said and placed three beautiful long stemmed yellow roses in my arms. "When you go through the line, they will know these are paid for." She leaned over and placed a gentle kiss on my cheek, then smiled again. I wanted to tell her what she'd done, what the roses meant, but still unable to speak, I watched as she walked away as tears clouded my vision.

I looked down at the beautiful roses nestled in the green tissue wrapping and found it almost unreal. How did she know? Suddenly the answer seemed so clear. I wasn't alone.

Oh, you haven't forgotten me, have you? I whispered, with tears in my eyes. He was still with me, and she was his angel.

Every day be thankful for what you have and who you are.
(Please read all of this, it is really nice)

This is a simple request. If you appreciate life, send this to your friends, including the person that sent it to you.

Even though I clutch my blanket and growl when the alarm rings. Thank you, Lord, that I can hear. There are many who are deaf.

Even though I keep my eyes closed against the morning light as long as possible. Thank you, Lord, that I can see. Many are blind.

Even though I huddle in my bed and put off rising. Thank you, Lord, that I have the strength to rise. There are many who are bedridden.

Even though the first hour of my day is hectic, when socks are lost, toast is burned, tempers are short, and my children are so loud.

Thank you, Lord, for my family. There are many who are lonely.

Even though our breakfast table never looks like the picture in magazines and the menu is at times unbalanced.

Thank you, Lord, for the food we have. There are many who are hungry.

Even though the routine of my job often is monotonous. Thank you, Lord, for the opportunity to work. There are many who have no job.

Even though I grumble and bemoan my fate from day to day and wish my circumstances were not so modest.

Thank you, Lord, for life.

Pass this on to the friends you know. It might help a bit to make this world a better place to live, right? A friend is someone we turn to when our spirits need a lift. A friend is someone to treasure.

For friendship is a gift. A friend is someone who fills our lives with Beauty, Joy and Grace and makes the world we live in a better and happier place.

YOU ARE MY FRIEND!

God bless you and yours.

CUTE EASTER PICS

FUNNY EASTER PICS

AND FOR THOSE OF YOU THAT ARE RELIGIOUS...