Several shorter tales in this one. Ecko (see my post a few up for chars) has obtained a magical horn that summons a ghost ship run by undead when he blows it. The team is hired simultaneously to unearth a slave ring across the seas to the north, the baron they'd helped out earlier lending them his finest ship, the Sea Saint. Out of spite, Lupus decides to go with the Sea Saint, where the party breaks apart into teams. At this point, the team had lost Cutthroat Bill, but they were accompanied instead by Andilus "Andy" Sealeaf (a passive elven priest) and Zacharia, a carefree little boy that Balthas hires to be his personal sidekick. So, the team splits up in their choices on which boat to take. Fiona ("i'll go on the sane boat), Urith, Lupus, and Andy take the S.S. Zach, Balthas, and Ecko take the zombie boat. The two teams decide to race to the other continent, which immediately starts trouble. Lupus starts throwing knives across at the zombies Ecko has rowing, so Ecko retaliate by firing arrows back at them. Urith kicks this all up a notch, summoning a Flaming Sphere to plow burning holes into Ecko's ship and start sinking it. Balthas: "Hey, remember that scroll of growth i found?" Me: "Um... yes." Balthas: "Can it work on objects too?" Me: "Sure" B: "Great! I cast it on the cannon!" Simply out of not wanting to lose, Balthas hurries to his cannon. Mind you, he purchased the biggest, meanest looking gnomish cannon he could find for the journey. The thing is now bigger than an elephant, and nearly tips over the ship with its weight. Lupus hurries to fire a lightning bolt from his magic scythe, but they both fire at the same time. Lupus shatters their mast, but Balthas manages to blow off the front third of their ship in exchange. All are forced to climb on the sinking zombie boat just before magic-using pirates ambush them (Invisibility on their ships). They have to steal one of the pirate ships to hold all their men, and there's still argument over who technically won the race. When the team was on trial for public disturbance, claims are taken up against Lupus. In his defense, Urith speaks up boldly. "You just hold on one second! That man is a saint! The only thing he's stolen in his entire life... is my heart!" That one had us laughing for some time. When trying to discover the location of the slave ring, Balthas overhears that the king is being bribed to ignore it. As a self-proclaimed hero, he determined that he must go speak with him no matter what the cost. Ignoring his cloak of flying, bardic charms, or anything else useful, he marches up to the front gate and demands to see the king. When the guards deny him, he beats them both and steals their armor as a disguise. He skillfully bluffs his way past a number of guards, then once he's right outside the main castle, he tells me this; "I take off the armor, only to realize i'm wearing nothing underneath except my hammer... then i shrug and go on my way anyway." This is all hilarious, as he still has two more guards between him and the castle. He leaps in front of them, constantly thrusting his hips all over the place while he talks. The guards determine that no naked half orc (bard or not) is getting in. Balthas takes offense to this and swings at them, but one guard gets lucky and... well, he kills "Balthas Junior." Balthas: "..................Balthas Giggleberry is never one to run away... but this situation demands it!" He runs like hell for the temple district, running from a fight for the first time i'd ever seen. He then "shove my bloody junk at the first priest of the first temple i find and go 'HELP MEEEEEEE!" Two women faint and a priest nearly barfs before one gets him some clothes and assures him they can regenerate it back. One priest, however, laughs hysterically. Balthas: "It's not funny!!!" Priest2: "No, no, it's not... it's just that Regeneration is a touch-based spell." *awkward quiet by all Healing Priest: "alright, let's get this over with..." Balthas: "...so should I cough or something?" HP: "Shut up, you're not helping." Balthas: "....aheeeeehm!" HP: "shut it!" Also, while raiding a goblin mine, the group stumbles onto their cafeteria. Several dining goblins and a fat, goblin cook attacks them. Noticing a big cauldron, Balthas throws a card from his Deck of Illusions towards it. I draw a card and he summons a troll. So, i decide to make the illusion more lifelike Me: "A 9 foot, warty green monster bursts from the cauldron of smelly soup. It also wears a swim cap and speedos. That on its own got a lot of laughs Goblin Cook: "WHAT!? I thought i cooked that thing already!" When fighting an Umber Hulk, the party's halfling priest (at the time; they lose a lot of priests with their amoral actions) Hobs makes eye contact with it. He fails his save and goes mad, attacking Ecko and gnawing on his leg wildly. Balthas manages to use some magic to get his wits back to him. Hobs slowly stops biting, then drops onto his back in a daze. Hobs (slowly getting his senses back): "Whoa... why do i taste half-elf?" Balthas has earned a tendency to drink EVERYthing he can. He finds a box of various potions in a necromancer's lab, deciding to drink one on the spot. He chooses the one bottle that's acid. He burns off a lip before Hobs can heal it back. They also find a bottle called Waterweb, which is like portable Spiderman webbing. Balthas tries drinking this too, but it sticks to his lip and they can't get it off until they realize the bottle will suck it back in. Finally, they search an "abandoned" castle. They find the smith's quarters, where they kill a ghost and begin to search the place. While the others are checking for salvagable armor lying around, Balthas notices a pool for cooling weapons. "I drink it!" I laugh my ass off for about a minute, for no reason they see. I had meant the water to enchant whatever object goes into it, so i wind up taking Balthas' character sheet and boosting almost every stat/skill he has. Balthas: "See, you guys? The key to victory is to blindly eat and drink everything in sight." Lupus: "Damn... can we go back and eat those werewolves we killed?" There was also a fight that was as bizarre as it was awesome. The group raids a supposedly abandoned castle, only to find it inhabited by an evil mage. He, his gnoll bodyguards, and his bronze golem attack the team. While Lupus rips through the gnolls with his new magic scythe, Urith and Ecko trade spells with the mage, and Fiona is backing up everyone with her arrows. Meanwhile, Balthas cast a Growth spell on himself and Hobs guzzled a potion of giant's strength. The mental image of a 12 foot half-orc wrestling a golem while a halfling is leaving monstrous dents in the golem's skin with its fists was hilarious to me, and utterly baffled the creature nearly unable to think. OpakeDragon 12-27-05, 01:25 AM ok so this is from my first campaign i ever played in (excluding orc and the pie) well just before the collapse of the campaign the group and i: Opake elf rogue lvl 2 (me) Inuyasha hanyo (made up) fighter lvl 2 stupid dwarf(cant remember name) dwarf (go figure) fighter lvl 2 Sadomasacist transvestite human going true necro lvl 2 (transvestite because its a female character being played by a big guy that we called yeti because he had a long beard and bad hair, not a pictureyou want to see as a girl) well i came into the campaign with three things wrong 1 i was an elf in an evil group with a racist dwarf that likes pound his hammer into his hand as an intimidation(reminds me of the ruler slapping into hand teacher from hell or the thrid ring of saturn). the second i was a rogue with a racist dwarf who hated elfs... and finally i was introduce in my absence therefore giving them all the say in how he was introduced.....caught stealing from the sadomasicist....the sadomasicist had an iron maiden on a cart.... almost die in it too but hanyo saved me ..... anyway so the campaign continues until we are recruited to attack a wagon. by this time i had earned a total of 3 sp that the dwarf didnt want .... i was being abused in this one..... anda longbow that no one else wanted. so i was on archery duty during the attack . i missed the boss i was told to go for and got shot twice in the chest and lived (lucky heal check on my self .... stupid bandit archers around me didnt even try to help) so i got a little more "respect" for living but still being abused by the dwarf. so after all this we are told to go and scout for the bandits as they set up to attack an outpost. im put in charge of the party for this since i am the rogue.... anyway im leading them through the forest, doing a good job too. but ... we come to a cave and i tell them to wait as i look inside .....its dark so we roll a listen check and everyone passes but the half DOG demon (with like +4 to all listen checks... but he has the sent ability so he knows its behind us) we all turn and see blink dogs but the dwarf drops to the ground too (player claimed his dwarf would know that if the dog sees you as submisive then he will most likely not attack....BS he had an int of 8 while mine was 16). well since i rolled a low init i had to wait for everyone else to go so as these dog blink in and out of combat. they all attacked inuyasha without hesitation because hes a dog to them and threatening their territory. so i drew my longbow and shot one of the bigger ones ... not a good idea but it still doesnt go after me because it runs away. unfortunately for me and my infinite int of 16 i decide to shoot into combat and i am notorious for rolling really bad when it counts. well needless to say that i hit inuyasha for 6 points of damage thats max damage, but i guess i was feeling like my luck was going to change because i shot into combat again. 5 points to inuyasha again and they tell me about how i can drop the longbow and draw rapier. well i charge up to save the dwarf because hes being flanked and the necro just killed the last of the blink dogs attacking inuyasha whom they have a bit of a "romance". so after the last of the blink dogs disappear my character knows hes done for so he runs for it. having a base land speed +10 more than the dwarf who is only one who can pursue me because the necro is healing the hanyo. i ask the dm in my newbness if my character would stop a moment to retrieve his longbow in his path and the dm tells me to roll int and i roll a 20..... god.......: DM: Time warp...its the next day and you guys find opake's torn and shredded body in the forest somewhere in the direction he was running (the dm was running late and had to go to work) the dwarf: i roll a search check of....16. what do i find? DM: ok you find the edheldin chainshirt is ruined, his rapier is fine and two sp. and if not for the chainshirt and rapier you would have never known it was him. ok bye. that thats the last thing my character did just before the game was given up. cyborgsghost 01-01-06, 02:43 AM Okay, so we play d20 Modern and I have a rule where any player can make a wish on their birthday and as long as they word it correctly and not use the word 'and' in their wish, I will allow it. My cousin (age 10) plays himself as a 20 years old. His wish was to become a puppet with cartoon powers. This means he can do pretty much anything a cartoon character can do including pulling random things out of mid-air. He also can change his appearance and chooses to make himself look like he is 10 years old. Everytime something dramatic happens he pulls out something out to make a joke. One time I was the GM and I had just described their next mission to take which included taking on numerous enemies at the same time. All of the characters had stunned looks on their faces. Then my cousin simply pulls out a can of beer, pops the top, and drinks it in one second. Alright, funny when we played, but my favorite funny times are when the players accidentally say the wrong thing. For example, one of my cousins plays a character called Lalo. I have a tendancy to have him have bad things happen around him and having him get blamed for it when he tried to stop it. One time he arrived at the police station trying to report a fire when he found a lot of cops dead. Instead of running away and making himself look like he is fleeing the scene, he decided to wait for a cop to return to explain what happened. So instead I sent and invisible stalker to the area that killed random people on the street around the police station. Lalo still didn't do anything for fearing he would be blamed for the murders. After about ten people's deaths, he decided to leave. That's when the cops show up and think he's leaving a crime scene. Long story short, he gets arrested after minutes of fleeing and goes to court. At his trial... Judge: "You have been charged with 47 counts of murder. How do you plea?" Lalo: "Guilty!" Judge: "Guards, take him to prison." Lalo: "No, wait. I mean innocent." (Lalo eventually escaped when his cousing helped him out. He was wanted for quite a long time.) Dareon 02-28-06, 05:56 PM There must be some sort of universal rule that funny things always happen when a Rod of Wonder is involved. This scene comes from a BESM d20 game that mixes far too many rulesets and scenarios. The party is two gunners (Carrick and Andy Maxwell), a ninja (not featured), an NPC medic (Because the PCs have NO healing.), a small party of NPC Deku (Yes, the little plant guys from Zelda d20) ninjas, and the focus of this tale, Rinaldo: a transmuter/Doll Mage with the aforementioned Rod of Wonder. The party is battling a team of mercenaries in a forest, including snipers in the trees. The sniper being referred to has had his thermal goggles sundered as well, rendering him blind. Rinaldo is taking aim at the sniper. "You have caused enough pain, friend. Dare you face the power that is Rinaldo's Wonderous Rod?" (Rod of Wonder to el Snipe-o) *rolls dice* As you look on, likely expecting something explosive, Rinaldo turns purple. "..." ... ok you stupid thing, work with Rinaldo here! The sniper goes, "I wish I could see what just happened, but I have to wait for my initiative count to take these goggles off." (Rinaldo's using his hasted attack to point the Rod at the sniper again) * Andy_Maxwell giggles *rolls more dice* * Andy_Maxwell giggles some more Shimmering colors spring forth and envelop the sniper. Well, he got blinded, at least. Ironically, the goggles are protecting him from the blinding effects of the colors. XD ...oh wait. He was already blind because his goggles do nothing. Et Cetera 03-08-06, 10:38 PM There's this one guy in all of my group's campaigns that is always trying to kill the party eventually with his undead "helpers". One session, he finally got his plan moving, and unleashed about 50 zombies on us. However, he wasn't paying attention to the rest of the party's progression, and all of his zombies were eventually turned after several fantastic turning attempts by me (I was powerful radiant servant of pelor by then). While this happened, our group's bard facininated him, and our fight made short work of him. He has never tried that since. Fiddlewheel 03-14-06, 06:14 PM Ok, I remember a little something something , in one of my first DnD sessions. It went something like this: I whas playing a LG lvl 1 Gnome Bard, and the group I joined whas consisting of a LN lvl1 Monk, a LG lvl 1 Dwarf Cleric, and a CElvl1 Half-Orc Barbarian... On our first quest, we ventured into a cave to get rid of some pesky Goblins, and when we entered, we saw Three things: One door on both left and right side of us, and a body lying on the floor right in front of us. As a joke, I ventured forward and starting poking the body with a stick, and what happens? yes, a trap... What it did? I got deaf in 8 hours...lol... Ameture Expert 03-14-06, 10:20 PM Ok, I remember a little something something , in one of my first DnD sessions. It went something like this: I whas playing a LG lvl 1 Gnome Bard, and the group I joined whas consisting of a LN lvl1 Monk, a LG lvl 1 Dwarf Cleric, and a CElvl1 Half-Orc Barbarian... And since, I guess you've learned that bards becomes ex-bards when they become lawful and cannot start off as lawful. Fiddlewheel 03-15-06, 05:21 AM And since, I guess you've learned that bards becomes ex-bards when they become lawful and cannot start off as lawful. Yeah... Well, I havent been bard in Eons, AND we were playing one of the earlier versions... (allthough I dont know if Lawful and Bard where the same things...) Sorry for typing the wrong stuff, but it IS easy to write wrong about something you havent done/been/??? for a while... th3_sm0king_sp3ll 04-06-06, 07:38 PM One of the most recent funny things to happen in a session would have to be in a D20 session that took place in WWII in Germany. I was a lvl 1 Charismatic hero, my bro was a lvl 1 tough hero, my freind was a lvl 1 strong hero, and we had a lvl 1 dedicated NPC. We were all on our way back from Normandy, going home on a plane when we discovered that the pilot was german. My character, naturally being rash and suspicious, puts a gun to his head and demands to know where he is taking us. He radios in and proves his loyalty to the US, or so it seems. I return to my seat, my bro in the cockpit pretending to be a wann-abee pilot. As i sit down the german pilot pulls a Luger on my brother. He also pulls the plane up into a stall. We get him to regain control and then after some useless talk...BOOM!!!!!!!!! I blow his brains out with my Colt M1911A1 Pistol. Usually a bullet to the brain will stop all brain function, so the plane went into a steep dive. Very bad situation, but our helpful dedicated hero finds some parachutes. We alll put them on and launch ourselves out of certain death. Now for the funny part. We all pull the chordes and start to float down nicely, except our pal the strong hero still falls. HIs chute, obviously rigged, didn't open! After a comical struggle for control of the burly strngth hero, we all get to the ground with only minor injuries... Archmagi1976 04-07-06, 02:58 AM And the Rogue Gnome says "Ouch!" This little story resides in the wilderness a few miles south of a small town that disappeared over night (setting of campaign.) The rogue and fighter saw this and I quote... "There is a man who is roughly 6' tall, he is covered with plate mail and on closer inspection is bolted into his pale blue skin. He is currently walking across burnt ground (see sand storm) and the heat does not seem to affect him. At his back is a Basterd sword that seems to glow and at his hip is a short sword." Now what about that scene does not scream out trouble? Even brand new players noticed this one... Well that gnome wanted this creatures attention, and starts talking to it. It (being the blue, platemail skinned monster) blandly looked at her and right past. (DM trying to not start trouble... :evillaugh That was for later.) Soon the gnome realized she was being ignored... Bad, bad DM... So as the fighters eyes popped out of his head (figuritively speaking) she shot the creature with her short bow. Now let me remind you, they had no one around or avaliable to help them out at this time... They were away from thier friends. She actually hit the creature, and in the DM's defence he does not get PC's into trouble, he lets them do that. Ok, we see trouble coming but how bad could it be right? Plate mail warrior slams his basterd sword into the ground and pulls out his short sword. The fighters feeling he is about to get a great one on one fight that this player always wanted... The plate mail warrior threw his short sword (throw anything feat) and smacks into the rogue gnome. Not only that but crits it and the Gnome is into negatives. The fighter's jaw drops and steps up to the plate to take this creature down. After a long prolonged fight and time to heal... Later in the campaign they met a second blue skinned, mail armored guys (they were copies of the same creature.) Well at this point the rogue had a +1 dagger of returning, well the fighter promptly takes the gnome and puts her on his back between him and his sheild. The fighter promptly went to two handed wielding and was ready to fight. The gnome rogue stated and I quote... "I think you feel something warm running down your back fighter (blushing all the time.)" Well, our gnome lost all control of her bladder and once again left the fighter to finish off the creature as she (not being passed out at this time) promptly stayed away from the fight. I am not sure if it was funnier to see the rogues reactions or thier verbal fight they continued on about through out the fight. I will never adventure with a gnome rogue named Sputs ever again....

[url=http://tektek.org/avatar/527340][img]http://img227.imageshack.us/img227/8846/tek070612dabc95ko6.png[/img][/url]

whatever you do, don't cheat! CHINESE HOROSCOPE: THE YEAR OF THE IRON DRAGON, WISHING YOU PROSPERITY AND GOOD FORTUNE IN THE CHINESE NEW YEAR FOLLOW THE INSTRUCTIONS - DO NOT CHEAT OR IT WON'T WORK AND YOU WILL WISH YOU HADN`T. TAKE 3 MINUTES TRY THIS - IT WILL FREAK YOU OUT. THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO ME SAID HER WISH CAME TRUE 10 MINUTES AFTER SHE FORWARDED THE EMAIL NO CHEATING!!!! ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... THIS GAME HAS A FUNNY / CREEPY OUTCOME. DO NOT READ AHEAD, JUST DO IT. IT TAKES ABOUT 3 MINUTES - WORTH A TRY 1st. Get PEN and PAPER 2nd. WHEN CHOOSING NAMES, MAKE SURE THEY ARE REAL PEOPLE THAT YOU ACTUALLY KNOW 3rd. GO WITH YOUR FIRST INSTINCTS !!!!! Very important for good results. 4th SCROLL DOWN ONE LINE AT THE TIME DON`T READ AHEAD otherwise YOU WILL RUIN THE FUN. 1. On a blank sheet of paper, WRITE NUMBERS 1 through 11 in a COLUMN on the LEFT. 2. Next to the NUMBERS 1 & 2, WRITE DOWN ANY 2 NUMBERS YOU WANT. DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE NUMBER? 3. Next to the NUMBERS 3 & 7, WRITE DOWN THE NAMES OF TWO MEMBERS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX. CAUTION: DO NOT LOOK AHEAD or IT WILL NOT TURN OUT RIGHT 4. WRITE ANYONES NAME (like FRIENDS or FAMILY...) next to 4, 5, & 6. DON`T CHEAT OR YOU`LL BE UPSET THAT YOU DID 5. WRITE down FOUR SONG TITLES in 8, 9, 10, & 11 6. Finally, MAKE A WISH ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ARE YOU READY? HERE IS THE KEY TO THE GAME 1. THE NUMBER of PEOPLE THAT LIKE YOU is found in SPACE 2 2. THE PERSON IN SPACE 3 IS THE ONE YOU LOVE 3. THE PERSON YOU LIKE but your relationship CANNOT WORK is in SPACE 7 4. YOU CARE MOST about the PERSON you put in SPACE 4 5. THE PERSON YOU NAME IN NUMBER 5 IS THE ONE WHO KNOWS YOU VERY WELL. 6. THE PERSON YOU NAMED IN 6 IS THE YOUR LUCKY STAR 7. THE SONG IN 8 IS THE SONG THAT MATCHES WITH THE PERSON IN NUMBER 3 8. THE TITLE IN 9 IS THE SONG FOR THE PERSON IN 7 9. THE 10TH SPACE IS THE SONG THAT TELLS YOU MOST ABOUT YOUR MIND 10. AND 11 IS THE SONG TELLING HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT LIFE 11. NUMBER 1 IS YOUR LUCKY NUMBER repost this WITHIN AN HOUR OF READING THIS. IF YOU DO, YOUR WISH WILL COME TRUE.

1.)they are more likely to hurt themselves that others.
2.)often times the fire works are duds.
3.)men are most times fastenatd by fire.
4.)they always end up hurting someone.
5.)this past new years dad tried to lite my cuzes hose on fire with one,

   

             

Play Trick Or Treat Smash Game

Dear Dog & Cat...

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object.
Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible.

I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm. For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered.

Also, I have been using the bathroom for years--canine or feline attendance is not mandatory. To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.(That's why they call it "fur"niture.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son / daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they: eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need gazillion dollars for college.

by Paula Smith Birmingha, AL

 

 

Funky Test!

Check out the following exercise, guaranteed to freak you out. There's no trick or surprise, but, trust me: just follow these instructions, and answer the questions one at a time and as quickly as you can!  Again, as quickly as you can  but don't advance until you've done each of them... really.



What is:

1+5 ?
2+4 ?
3+3 ?
4+2 ?
5+1 ?

Now repeat saying the number 6 to yourself as fast
as you can for 15 seconds. Then page down...












































QUICK!!!  THINK OF A VEGETABLE!

Say it out loud!

Then page down.








































                                         



You're thinking of a CARROT right?

If not, you're among the 2% of the population whose minds are warped enough to think of something else.
98% of people will answer with carrot when given this exercise.


Pretty Neat, huh?

                              

I've found a site with lots of easy/cute puzzles.

                       It's called 123giggle.

         Just click here to reach their index.