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Heartprints
Sep 26, 2009 | 10:42PM




Whatever our hands touch- We leave fingerprints! On walls, on furniture On doorknobs, dishes, books. There's no escape. As we touch we leave our identity.

Oh God, wherever I go today Help me leave heartprints! Heartprints of compassion Of understanding and love.

Heartprints of kindness And genuine concern. May my heart touch a lonely neighbor Or a runaway daughter Or an anxious mother Or perhaps an aged grandfather.

Lord, send me out today To leave heartprints. And if someone should say, "I felt your touch," May that one sense YOUR LOVE Touching through ME.
~Author Unknown~



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Two Days
Jun 29, 2009 | 1:00PM

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There are two days in every week about which we should not worry, two days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension.


One of these days is Yesterday with all its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, its aches and pains.

Yesterday has passed forever beyond our control. All the money in the world cannot bring back Yesterday.


We cannot undo a single act we performed; we cannot erase a single word we said. Yesterday is gone forever.

The other day we should not worry about is Tomorrow with all its possible adversities, its burdens, its large promise and its poor performance; Tomorrow is also beyond our immediate control.


Tomorrow's sun will rise, either in splendor or behind a mask of clouds, but it will rise. Until it does, we have no stake in Tomorrow, for it is yet to be born.

This leaves only one day, Today. Any person can fight the battle of just one day. It is when you and I add the burdens of those two awful eternities Yesterday and Tomorrow that we break down.


It is not the experience of Today that drives a person mad, it is the remorse or bitterness of something which happened Yesterday and the dread of what Tomorrow may bring.

Let us, therefore, Live but one day at a time.
~Author Unknown~
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Lovemaking tips for seniors.
Jun 29, 2009 | 8:15AM
Lovemaking tips for Seniors
1. Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is actually in the bed.
2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.
6. Keep the polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.
8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbours are deaf too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.
10. Don't even think about trying it twice.
(I sent this in large type so you can read it.)
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The old golfer
Jun 20, 2009 | 9:30AM
The Old Golfer
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, old retired golfer in his late 60's and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- a chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?" The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet. The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?" The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that damn lion out of the way."
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Never too late
Jun 04, 2009 | 9:28AM
 
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The first day of school our professor introduced himself and challenged us to get to know someone we didn't already know. I stood up to look around when a gentle hand touched my shoulder. I turned around to find a wrinkled, little old lady beaming up at me with a smile that lit up her entire being.

She said, "Hi handsome. My name is Rose. I'm eighty seven years old. Can I give you a hug?"
I laughed and enthusiastically responded, "Of course you may!" and she gave me a giant squeeze.
"Why are you in college at such a young, innocent age?" I asked.

She jokingly replied, "I'm here to meet a rich husband, get married, have a couple of children, and then retire and travel."
"No seriously," I asked. I was curious what may have motivated her to be taking on this challenge at her age.
"I always dreamed of having a college education and now I'm getting one!" she told me.

After class we walked to the student union building and shared a chocolate milkshake. We became instant friends. Every day for the next three months we would leave class together and talk nonstop. I was always mesmerized listening to this "time machine" as she shared her wisdom and experience with me.
Over the course of the year, Rose became a campus icon and easily made friends wherever she went. She loved to dress up and she reveled in the attention bestowed upon her from the other students. She was living it up.

At the end of the semester we invited Rose to speak at our football banquet and I'll never forget what she taught us. She was introduced and stepped up to the podium. As she began to deliver her prepared speech, she dropped her three by five cards on the floor. Frustrated and a little embarrassed she leaned into the microphone and simply said "I'm sorry I'm so jittery. I gave up beer for Lent and this whiskey is killing me! I'll never get my speech back in order so let me just tell you what I know."
As we laughed she cleared her throat and began:

"We do not stop playing because we are old; we grow old because we stop playing. There are only four secrets to staying young, being happy, and achieving success.
"You have to laugh and find humor every day.
"You've got to have a dream. When you lose your dreams, you die. We have so many people walking around who are dead and don't even know it!

"There is a huge difference between growing older and growing up. If you are nineteen years old and lie in bed for one full year and don't do one productive thing, you will turn twenty years old. If I am eighty seven years old and stay in bed for a year and never do anything I will turn eighty eight. Anybody can grow older. That doesn't take any talent or ability. The idea is to grow up by always finding the opportunity in change.

"Have no regrets. The elderly usually don't have regrets for what we did, but rather for things we did not do. The only people who fear death are those with regrets."
She concluded her speech by courageously singing "The Rose." She challenged each of us to study the lyrics and live them out in our daily lives.

At the years end Rose finished the college degree she had begun all those years ago. One week after graduation Rose died peacefully in her sleep. Over two thousand college students attended her funeral in tribute to the wonderful woman who taught by example that it's never too late to be all you can possibly be.
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It's tough getting old
May 03, 2009 | 11:35PM
It's Tough Getting Old A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."
The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"
The wife yells back to him, "GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERPANTS"
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Boudreaux and Thibodeaux
Mar 19, 2009 | 2:41PM
Boudreaux and Thibodeaux are walking down a street in Houston when they see a sign on a store that reads, "Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each, trousers
$2.50 per pair."
Boudreaux says to his pal, "Look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take 'em back to Abbeville, sell 'em to our friends, and make a fortune. Now when we go in there you be quiet, okay? Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and try to cheat us. Now, I'll talk in a slow Texas drawl so's they don't know."
They go in and Boudreaux says with his best fake Texas accent, "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each,100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and...."
The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll are from Louisiana, ain't you?"
"Well...yeah," says a surprised Boudreaux. "Mais, how come you know dat?"
The owner says, "Because this is a dry-cleaners."
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Sipping Vodka
Mar 05, 2009 | 9:54AM
SIPPING VODKA This is too funny – I still have tears in my eyes! Finally, a chain letter that I don't mind forwarding. It's funny (don't break chain)
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous in the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp. 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook. 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him. 9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. 10. We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.' 11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'take this and eat it for it is my body.' He did not say ' Eat me'. 12. The Virgin Mary is not called ' Mary with the Cherry'. 13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's. The Origination of this letter is unknown, but it brings good luck to everyone who passes it on. The one who breaks the chain will have bad luck.
Do not keep this letter. Do not send money just forward it to five of your friends to whom you wish good luck and a great laugh.
You will see that something good happens to you four days from now if the chain is not broken….
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You got to love blondes
Feb 20, 2009 | 10:08AM
> > > > A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, > > Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and > > all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted > > to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!" > > > > Very good," said her mother. > > > > "Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said. > > > > "Yes, it's because you're blonde," said > > the mommy. > > > > The next day the girl came skipping home from school. > > "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying > > the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it > > to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" > > > > "Very good," said her mother. > > > > "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" > > > > "Yes, it's because you're blonde." > > > > The next day the girl came skipping home from school. > > "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym > > class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had > > flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank > > top to reveal a fully developed chest. > > > > "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. > > > > "Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?" > > > > "No Honey, it's because you're 24." > >
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What Happened to Thanksgiving
Nov 25, 2008 | 11:06AM
What Happened to Thanksgiving
The summer has all but vanished yet blue skies still remain The fall colors have started to set in still some things stay the same
The Halloween fun has long been gone but something seems to have gotten lost The day of THANKFULNESS, that comes around every year has been tossed aside ,at any cost
Where candy corns, and costumes were now Christmas lights shine bright Christmas music everywhere, THANKSGIVING is totally out of sight
So I want to take this opportunity to all of you who feel That THANKSGIVING is also a SPECIAL DAY to many, very real
So as this BOUNTIFUL HOLIDAY approaches it seems without any caring May all of you spend this time with family friends, and all who believe in sharing
It's sad to see this HOLIDAY, as special, as it may be Forgotten in the eyes of many, no one wants to see That this HOLIDAY forgotten, among all the Christmas cheer Will be spent quietly by those of us, who want our loved ones near
SO to all of you, who will spend this time, giving thanks for this special day May the GOOD LORD up ABOVE show you joy and love in His own special way
Have A Blessed Thanksgiving... ~From me to you~
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