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Chocolate is a vegetable?!?!?
Aug 05, 2007 | 12:23PM
 
Chocolate is a Vegetable: Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans.
Bean = vegetable.
Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS.
  
Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.
To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food.
 
Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
  
If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.
If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?
 
Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?
REMEMBER: "Stressed" spelled backward is "desserts"
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| categories: Fun, Jokes |
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Murphy's lesser known laws & things hallmark cards don't say....
May 03, 2007 | 7:54AM
1. Light travels faster than
sound. This is why some
people appear bright until
you hear them speak.
2. Those who live by the sword
get shot by those who don't.
3. Nothing is foolproof to a
sufficiently talented fool.
4. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime
you have a 50-50 chance of
getting something right, there's
a 90% probability you'll get it
wrong.
5. If you lined up all the cars in
the world end to end, someone
would be stupid enough to try
to pass them, five or six at a
time, on a hill, in the fog.
6. The things that come to those
who wait will be the scraggly junk
left by those who got there first.
7. The shin bone is a device for
finding furniture in a dark room.
8. A fine is a tax for doing wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing well.
9. When you go into court, you
are putting yourself into the hands
of 12 people who weren't smart
enough to get out of jury duty.
========
THINGS THAT HALLMARK
CARDS DON'T SAY
My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire..
I noticed your cat
Sorry!
---------------------
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
----------------------
Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the hell was I thinking?"
-----------------------
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband
----------------------
How could two people as beautiful
as you......
Have such an ugly baby?
---------------------
I 've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you .
I've changed my mind.
---------------------------
I must admit, you brought
Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until
I met you.
-------------------------
As the days go by, I think of
how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.
------------------------
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this
knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
----------------------
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee,
Kentucky, The Carolinas ,
& West Virginia )
-----------------------
Happy birthday! You look great
for your age.
Almost Lifelike!
When we were together,
-------------------------
You always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise
----------------------
We have been friends for a
very long time..
Let's say we stop?
----------------------
I 'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.
------------------------
Congratulations on your new
bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who
the father was?
----------------
Your friends and I wanted to
do Something special for your
birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.
------------------
So your daughter's a hooker,
And it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
It's really good pay.
$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$
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| categories: Fun, Jokes |
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Happy Easter!!
Apr 06, 2007 | 6:16AM
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| categories: Fun, Jokes |
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You Know You Grew Up In the 80-90's if:
Apr 02, 2007 | 11:19AM
You Know You Grew Up In the 80's if:
1. You've ever ended a sentence with the word SIKE.
2. You can sing the rap to the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and can do the "Carlton"
3. You know that 'WOAH' comes from Joey on Blossom
4. If you ever watched 'Fraggle Rock'
5. It was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.
  
6. You wore a ponytail on the side of your head.
7. You got super-excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.
8. You made your mom buy one of those clips that would hold your shirt in a knot on the side.
9. You played the game 'MASH'(Mansion, Apartment, Shelter, House)
10. You wore stonewashed Jordache jean jackets and were proud of it.
11. You know the profound meaning of ' WAX ON , WAX OFF'
12. You wanted to be a Goonie.
13. You ever wore fluorescent clothing. (some of us...head-to-toe)
14. You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off and his cheeks shifted.
15. You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.
16. You took lunch boxes to school..and traded Garbage Pailkids in the schoolyard.
 
17. You remember the CRAZE, then the BANNING of slap bracelets.
18. You still get the urge to say 'NOT' after every sentence.
19. You thought your childhood friends would never leave because you exchanged handmade friendship bracelets.
21. You ever owned a pair of Jelly-Shoes.
22. After you saw Pee-Wee's Big Adventure you kept saying 'I know you are, but what am I?'
23. You remember 'I've fallen and I can't get up'
24. You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates.
25. You have ever played with a Skip-It.
26. You remember boom boxes and walking around with one on your shoulder like you were all that.
27. You remember watching both Gremlins movies.
28. You thought Doogie Howser/Samantha Micelli was hot.
 
29. You remember Alf, the lil furry brown alien from Melmac.
30. You remember New Kids on the Block when they were cool...and don't even flinch when people refer to them as 'NKOTB'
31. You knew all the characters names and their life stories on 'Saved By The Bell,' The ORIGINAL class.
32. You know all the words to Bon Jovi - SHOT THROUGH THE HEART.
33. You just sang those words to yourself.
34. You still sing 'We are the World'
35. You tight rolled your jeans.
36. You owned a bannana clip.
37. You remember 'Where's the Beef?'
38. You used to (and probably still do)
say 'What you talkin' 'bout Willis?'
39. You're still singing shot through the heart in your head, aren't you!
PASS THIS ON TO ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS WHO GREW UP IN THE 80s or Early 90s!!!
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| category: Fun |
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The Ant and the Grasshopper
Mar 30, 2007 | 8:15AM
You may have seen this one before.
The Ant and the Grasshopper
Traditional Parable:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building
his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and
plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.
The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!
Interesting and Clever Modern Variant:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building
his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper
thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference
and demands to know why the ant should be warm and well fed while
others are cold and starving.
CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the
shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable
home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the
sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this
poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so? Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being Green."
Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house
where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall
overcome." Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the
grasshopper's sake. Nancy Pelosi & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Larry King
that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and
both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.
Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper
Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined
for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and,
having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated
by the government. Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a
defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a
panel of federal judges that Bill Clinton appointed from a list of
single-parent welfare recipients.
The ant loses the case.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last
bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just
happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he
doesn't maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. The
grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house,
now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the
once peaceful neighborhood.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote.
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| category: Fun |
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Car wash thief--true story!
Mar 27, 2007 | 12:07PM
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| category: Fun |
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How many people (in the US) have your name?
Mar 16, 2007 | 1:28PM
There are 1,397,854 people in the U.S. with the first name Jennifer.
Statistically the 21st most popular first name. (tied with 2 other first names)
There are 1,950 people in the U.S. with my last name.
http://howmanyofme.com/
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| category: Fun |
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Bottle of Merlot (joke)
Mar 14, 2007 | 4:51PM
A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive woman he spotted dining alone. The waiter took the merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman seated over there,' indicating the sender.
She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants.'
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman.
It read: For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z4, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche 911 Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I ever cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back.
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| category: Jokes |
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A pit bull's view on life
Mar 03, 2007 | 10:07AM
Never pretend to be something you’re not. Everyone knows you are a 70 pound lap dog, so don’t pretend that you aren’t.
If you have a stick in your mouth, you automatically switch to super overdrive, and will be compelled to run around like you are insane.
If your not allowed on the bed, cry, whine and look pathetic until you are, and if they don’t, jump directly on vulnerable parts when they are sleeping.
Be excessive, if they ask you to get a stick, bring back a tree, if they ask for a kiss, drench their face.
If someone seems to not want to be friends, follow them around, stare at them, bark at them, cry, and if they are sitting, sit directly on them, and kiss them until they can’t breath.
Always sit where everyone is, and if they are in the same place, like the couch or the bed, make sure you plop yourself in between them, and DO NOT MOVE.
If they try to move you, be stubborn, dig in your heels, and if they do move you, refer to number 3.
If you want to add a little excitement to your life…chase something, the cat, squirrels, raccoons, see how your owner come's running and yelling. I have found that porcupines and skunks work exceptionally well, but don’t ever catch them, or you’ll end up in the bath tub or the vet’s.
Baths are always bad, unless someone is already in there, or it’s with the hose or the water gun they think is punishment.
Act as silly as you can when you do something wrong, and you should get away with it. The trick is to make them laugh.
Make sure to always go for the most comfortable seat in the house… even if it’s already occupied. Same thing goes for your favorite lap.
When it’s in your best interest, always practice obedience, keeping a keen eye on the hand that holds the treat, unless there is something more interesting within 100 yards, then ignore everyone and focus entirely on the more interesting person/dog/thing to the point of reaching a trance state.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy and prompt you to produce copious amounts of drool to leave on all the interior car windows.
Never miss the opportunity to cuddle with a loved one……
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One FLaw in Women
Feb 01, 2007 | 10:51AM
One Flaw In Women
Women have strengths that amaze men.
They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
but they hold happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy
and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.
They don't take "no" for an answer
when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel
and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about
a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they
think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss
can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have the compassion and ideas.
They give moral support to their
family and friends.
Women have vital things to say
and everything to give.
HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,
IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.
Please pass this along to all your women friends
and relatives to remind them just how amazing they are.
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Finally!!! Overalls that fit!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jan 25, 2007 | 9:05AM
Finally!!! Overalls that fit!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Just ask for the "ARKANSAS CUT"
Yes, the new one is out!
Brand new edition of... "You know you're a redneck when....
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
5. You think "The Nutcracker" is a vice on the work bench .
6. The Salvation Army declines your furnitur e.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don't n eed a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-room's so clean ?
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.
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| categories: Fun, Jokes |
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Sad Poem
Jan 18, 2007 | 12:00PM
The Abortion
© By Bonita Baker Ray
As the staff arrived at the clinic,
they were taken by surprise.
You might say they were startled.
They could not believe their eyes.
A prospective patient was already
waiting at the door,
But the staff had never seen a patient,
quite like this before.
The secretary's hand shook a little,
as she took down the information,
And she seemed stunned when she asked,
'Why do you want this termination?'
Although it was only just a whisper,
the reply could be distinctly heard.
And the whole staff looked away in shame,
as they listened to each word.
'I am only a little fetus, but I know that things are really bad,
So, if you don't mind, I would like to
abort my Mom and Dad.
I heard them say, they did not know
what they were thinking of.
And, I know for certain,
I was not conceived in love.
I can barely see my little hands
waving in the air,
But even though I cannot focus yet,
I still know they are there.
I can even feel my heart beating
with a definite rhythm,
But, now I know there is really
nothing I can give them.
It isn't really murder because,
they are not real parents yet,
And once you cut them away,
they will be easy to forget.
Money is tight these days, and
responsibility is such a bother.
And what would happen to my social life,
tied down to a mother and a father?
As for morals, it's the 21st century:
no one cares about our Lord.
So, I will simply close my little eyes,
while you just cut the cord.'
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Rock, Paper, Scissors
Jan 08, 2007 | 10:28AM
  
I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no freaking way Paper
can beat Rock. Paper is supposed to magically wrap around
Rock leaving it immobile? Why the heck can't paper do this
to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to
people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper
constantly suffocating student as they attempt to take
notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't
beat anybody, a rock would tear that sheet up in 2 seconds.
When I play rock/ paper/ scissors, I always choose rock.
Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their
paper I can punch them in the face with my already
clenched fist and say, oh sh*t, I'm sorry, I thought paper
would protect you, you a**hole
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| category: Jokes |
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"Proper" Fairy Tale
Jan 04, 2007 | 2:09PM
This is the fairy tale that should have been read to us when we were
little:
Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess
happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: " Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. "
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself:
I don't freakin think so.
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| categories: Fun, Jokes |
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Hilday Eating Tips
Dec 22, 2006 | 9:17PM
1. Avoid carrot sticks.
Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog
as you can. And quickly. it's rare. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy
, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, 
always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa
position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies.
Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labour Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake?
Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"
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