10. You're sure to get at least one of your favorite dishes.

9. The turkey never suffers from modesty.

8. You can nibble before dinner even if Mom sees you.

7. You are expected to pass the dishes around.

6. There are always at least two kinds of dessert, with or without whipped cream.

5. They give you the day off WITH pay to have dinner.

4. Thanksgiving dinner is a "sure" thing.

3. Seconds are encouraged. Take home, too!!

2. You're expected to fall asleep after dinner.

 And the number 1 reason why Thanksgiving dinner is better than sex:

1. You are EXPECTED to watch football BEFORE and AFTER dinner!

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,' I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

 

 

'Pop, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

 

 

We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says. 'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.'

 

 

 

 

 Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like heck they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this,'

 

 

 

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.

 

 

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay,' he says, 'they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.'

The leading cause of death during winter storms is transportation accidents. Preparing your vehicle for the winter season and knowing how to react if stranded or lost on the road are the keys to safe winter driving.

 
Before Heading for Snow Country:

Make sure your brakes, windshield wipers, defroster, heater and exhaust system are in top condition.

Check your antifreeze and be ready for colder temperatures.

 

You may want to add special solvent to your windshield washer reservoir to prevent icing.

Check your tires. Make sure they are properly inflated and the tread is in good condition.

Always carry chains. Make sure they are the proper size for your tires and are in working order.

 

Carry a flashlight and chain repair links. Chains must be installed on the drive wheels. Make sure you know if your vehicle is front or rear wheel drive.

Other suggested items to carry in your car are an ice scraper or commercial deicer, a broom for brushing snow off your car, a shovel to free your car if it's "snowed in," sand or burlap for traction if your wheels should become mired in snow; First Aid kit; and an old towel to clean your hands.

It is also a good idea to take along water, food, warm blankets and extra clothing.

 

A lengthy delay will make you glad you have them.

The policeman had the bar under surveillance a few minutes before closing time, so he could see who comes out drunk.

 

The first one out the door at 2:00 o'clock weaved down the sidewalk, then fell on the curb.

 

Sluggishly got up, then tried his keys in five cars before finding his own car.

 

Once inside his car, he fumbled with his keys for 2 or 3 minutes.

 

Meanwhile, all the club patrons had gotten into their cars and driven away, leaving this one fellow quite alone in the parking lot.

 

Finally, he got his car started and began to very slowly drive away.

 

Immediately, the police car was behind him with lights flashing.

 

The policeman asked the man to take a breathalyser test, to which he readily agreed.

 

When the reading was 0.0%, the policeman said, "How can this be?"

 

To which the man replied, "Because tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I ease my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully get out of the car and open the trunk.

 

I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe! 

 

They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers. But to my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men. And of course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy.

 

It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up behind me. He gets out of his car and starts walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

 

'What's going on here?'

 

'My car has a flat tire', I said calmly.

 

'Well, what the heck are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?'

I couldn't believe that he didn't know.

 

 

So I told him, 'Helloooooo,  those  are my emergency flashers!'

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near-death experience. Seeing God, she asked if this was it.

 

God said "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live."

 

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck,etc. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. She got out of the hospital after the last operation, and while crossing the street was killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital.

 

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years?"

 

God replied, "I didn't recognize you."

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

 

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home.

 

On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

 

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

 

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

 

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill . I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

 

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I let off three more. The smell was worse than cooked cabbage.

 

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable.. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

 

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

 

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused:

"Happy Birthday!"

 

I Fainted

I live in water if you cut my head I am at your door, if you cut my tail I am a fruit, if you cut both, I am with you.

The answer is pearl.

 

Cut off the head (P) leaves Earl.

Earl is a man who could be at your door.

Cut off the tail (L) leaves Pear.

Pear is a fruit.

Cut off the head and tail (P/L) leaves Ear.

An ear is on your head!

http://61226.com/share/hk.swf

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?

A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

 

 

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?

A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

 Once upon a time, in a land far away, A beautiful, independent, self-assured princess, happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the Princess' lap and said:

 

"Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome Prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my Mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

 

 

That night, on a repast of lightly sautéed frogs legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought:

 

 

" I don't freaking think so. "

Your Heart is your Love,

Your Love is your Family ,

Your Family is your Future ,

Your Future is your Destiny ,

Your Destiny is your Ambition,

Your Ambition is your Aspiration ,

Your Aspiration is your Motivation ,

Your Motivation is your Belief ,

Your Belief is your Peace ,

Your Peace is your Target ,

Your Target is Heaven,

Heaven is no fun without FRIENDS .

Thomas
Jefferson 

 
Thomas  Jefferson said in 1802:
'I believe that
banking institutions are more dangerous to
our liberties  than  standing  armies.
If the American people ever allow
private banks to control the issue of their
currency,  first  by  inflation,  then  by
deflation, the banks and corporations that will
grow up around the banks will deprive the people
of all property - until their children wake-up

GOD BLESS AMERICA   & GOD BLESS YOU!