'Tis a Tuesday morning and it has just gone past 6. I've been awake all throughout the night and I have not attempted to sleep at all. Its been a week since my Gran passed away. It has sunken in already that she's gone and never to return. Knowing that fact puts me in the thinking mood once again. I should appreciate who and what is around me before its to late. Appreciate it before it escapes. I've got so many people around me and there's a few more things that I want to know...how long do I actually have to appreciate you? Will I even learn to appreciate you? Who knows what can happen? No-one knows...I don't even know if I believe if its fate or not...whatever happens, happens.
    Going back to that Tuesday night around 11o'clock in the evening, speeding back to Birmingham with the whole family. I was sitting at the far end of the car by myself listening to a song by Within Temptation called Memories the whole car journey. I can hear relatives ringing our mobiles trying to get the latest news. Some are at the airport....some are on holiday. To be honest, I never liked the idea of putting the elderly into nursing homes. Just because they're old doesn't mean they should be taken away from their family although they need care. I don't know...maybe i'm just feeling selfish and not opening my mind to every situation that can happen.
     When I got to the nursing home, I felt cold. I wasn't scared. I felt empty..I knew what I was going to see..but I went ahead to my Gran's room. Some of my relatives got there before us and was surrounding her bed. I already had tears forming in my eyes but looking at her lying there...so peaceful, with no more worries in the world for she has left...it hit me. I bursted out crying and left the room. I don't know whether its because I was the youngest but I was the only one crying, everyone else was just silent, I felt that my family was heartless after a while. But now, i've realized not everyone shows how they feel in tears.
    That same night, I didn't sleep either. I just layed in bed thinking, I couldn't cry anymore, my tears had run dry. For now, there's nothing more that I can do. Its now 6:30 and i'm watching the sun rise, looking at birds look for food in my garden and typing. Soon, my family will wake up and once again head to Birmingham as they always do on a Tuesday, this time, I don't think they'll be shopping. They'll be organising the funeral and such. I'm yet to decide whether I should go also or stay at home...or even see if anyone is willing to spend the day with me. Looking at the sun now makes me think...I don't want the light to leave my life just now though it just left my Gran last Tuesday. One day it will and i'll be waiting.

Yeah...so I get bored...

So I tested out whether the mic works with my guitar...

Here's a 45 second clip....XD

Lag, buzz, weird chords galore!

Edit: Sorry about the crappish quality!

I stayed up all night thinking yet again. For i'm realizing something. I'm slowly changing, I can feel it. I don't know who I am anymore. 'Kathy Li' is just a name to me now, nothing more. Am I changing to who I really am or to a complete random stranger? 'Dematerialization' says it all. I'm losing my 'now' characteristics. But why and realistically...for whom? Its not my intention to change but it cannot be helped.

I'm exposing myself to the world as me, but what impression am I exposing exactly? To be honest, I am happy for who I am, but clearly its not being accepted. Well maybe it is but why am I slowly changing? I ask myself why but I receive no answers because I don't know myself. Year 2007. I've met new people. Ironically and coincidentally...I have also found out who my real friends are. Thats what i'm assuming for the time being anyway. So is that the reason why I feel like i'm changing?

 Changing to the real me for the people that truly care? If so...why am I uncomfortable with this whole situation? Will I be accepted for being someone i'm not or am I just destined to be independant and face it alone? The person i'm changing too....i'm unfamiliar with. But so far, I feel...disconnected. From me, people around me and the world. Surely that's not supposed to happen? The 'new me' can't possibly be happy without feeling what it once did can it?

For times likes these, I guess only time will tell. I don't change on purpose but it seems I do for the people i'm surrounded by. Maybe I should just forget anything that's happened during this year, everything. I ponder. I ponder how and who i've affected for being the 'happy' me and who and how i've affected for being the 'unfamiliar' me. Deprived from life, building up unwanted pressure. But I guess thats life so i'm going to have to deal with it. But I can't do it alone. I know I can't. I need someone that will support me throughout but there's a lack of that person in my eyes to be brutally truthful.

Call me harsh but please don't say you've supported me all the way. If you did/have, don't you think I would've acknowledged your benevolance towards me? Perhaps not, my sincerest apologies if you have for I will realize in due time and I am appreciate it. I ask so many personal questions yet I receive no decent answers. If I can't get any answers from myself...will I be able to get answers from you? Is it really that difficult just to be honest? My curiousity drowns me at times.

 I'm heading down a road of doubt/depression.
(Call me emo, I don't give a flyin' crap - I'm being serious)

Please, advice, feedback...whatever. I need reassuring. I'd appreciate it way more than you think.

Time to face myself as I come forth as me.

Some old and some new artwork that I thought i'd share with your guys. Comments to improve them would be appreciated! =]

 Some picture of a gun I drew as part as my research about kidnapping.

<< Two of my folder drawings.

 

My version of 'We Rose Up Slowly' originally made by Roy Lichtenstein.

DAFFY DUCK! =D

Sephiroth!

Some anime chick from Kindom Hearts.

So You Think You Know Me...

 (2 Points) My name:
(4 Points) My last name:
(4 Points) Who am I in love with:
(1 Points) Where did we meet:
(6 Points) Take a stab at my middle name:
(1 Points) Where do I work:
(3 Point) What am I afraid of:
(2 Points) Do I smoke :
(3 Points) Do I drink:
(3 points) Do you think Im a virgin:
(1 Point) Do I have any siblings:
(2 Points) How many:
(2 Points) What's one of my favorite things to do:
(1 Point) How many piercings do I have:
(4 Points) How many tattoos do I have:
(3 Points) What's my favorite type of music:
(4 Points) Am I shy or outgoing:
(3 Points) Am I a rebel or do I follow the rules:
(2 Points) Whats my favorite color:
(3 Points) Name something I hate:
(4 Points) Name a talent I have:
(4 Points) Whats my phone number:
(4 Points) What kind of sneakers do I wear:
(4 Points) Do I have any pets:
(2 Points) Who am I dating/likeing right now:
(5 Points) How long have I been dating them:
(5 points) How tall am I:
(5 Points) What is my worst habit:
(5 Points on creativeness) If I were stranded on a desert island, what would I bring:

Message this back to me.... i'll send you your grade...

80-85 Points; Best Friend.
70-79 Points; Great Friend.
40-69 Points; Friend.
20-39 Points; You should hang out with me more! Ask me when. 00-19 Points; Either you're a crappy friend, or you're new friend.

WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER KUNGPOWWIE!

Yes.

That is HILARIOUS!

Uh, no. It's not.

Seriously, what the hell is wrong with people these days? Yes i'm asian. Chinese to be more specific. There are..let's see....about 5 chinese people in my school and everyday...

ARE YOU RELATED TO JACKIE CHAN?!

IS JET LEE YOUR UNCLE?!

WAS BRUCE LEE YOUR DAD?!

Really, I would love to see those people visit China and ask those questions to every person of that race. All these racists assume that chinese people know some sort of ninja fighting tecnique.

A typical conversation:

Racist: Chinky chinky china, go back to chinky land!
Me: *stares and think what the heck..*
Racist: Ooooh, gonna give me the evils now are ya?! Come on, come do a karate kick on me!
Me: *kicks him in the reproductive system*

Yes, honestly, I have kicked a few during my high school years.

So flippin' what if i'm chinese? Just 'cause I am doesn't mean i'm related or associated with every single chinese person there is in the whole damn world now does it? Okay, fair enough, I can take some of this crap as a joke but some people take these jokes to the next level.

Example - Pets in the food we cook.

Is it my fault that some of you ignorant morons believe that every chinese people cook little puppies and kittens in our food? Is it my fault you decided to believe those fake little stories? Alright, fine. Maybe there are people that do the slaughtering of those animals but not every single one does. I'm so sorry that these people decided to choose what they wanted to hear.

AND I'M SO SORRY THAT I WAS BORN CHINESE AND HAVE 'YELLOW' SKIN!

Hint my sarcasm. 

Y'know. I find it highly amusing to see racists act like how they are. I mean....they mock my race...and then you see them by themselves ordering food from a chinese take-away. Where's the sense in that? They take the mick but are willing to pay money for the food we make? It's just so pathetic.

Doesn't my blood run through my veins like every other human being? Doesn't your skin change colour if you stay in the sun to long? That's a hell of a yes! I'm human, I need oxygen for me to survive, I need food to give me energy just like you/them and everyone else in the world. Just because i'm a different colour and have different teachings doesn't mean that I won't accept you/them for who you/they are.

If I can do that, I don't see why others can't.

What do you think of Me?

Just fill in the blanks with the first thing that comes to your mind

See how much i'm like my Dad...? XD Same emotion and all.... =O *pushes Copy and Paste into the corner*

 

1. I__________Kathy

2. Kathy is_________

3. When I think of Kathy I think of_________

4. I want Kathy to________

5. If I were alone in a room with Kathy I would__________

6. I think Kathy should________

7. Kathy needs to_______

8. I want to_________Kathy

9. If I could describe Kathy in one word, it would be_________

10. Kathy will_________

11. Kathy can_________my________

12. I hope Kathy will never_________

13. I_________Kathy because_________

So...we're having a very nice and pleasant three-way conversation....

.....talking about Carebears..and me and Rob's funeral. XD

We have these two....i'm gonna say 'children' denying they used to watch Carebears....here's the actual preview of the conversation...

Z says:

dont lie! you know they lived in...somewhere

Rob - Go-Karting Champion! says:

so i had no choice

Rob - Go-Karting Champion! says:

carealot

 

And here's me tweaking it up a bit...^.^

Rob: Noooo I dun watch it Carebears..

Squish: Where do Carebears live?

       Rob: Carealot.

YEAAAAAAAH! Lolo!

Create your own Friend Quiz here

Yeah, so I felt like writing a blog just for my friends at Grab....

So....ready?

Drumroll please!

*drumrolls*

Ummm....yeah, i'm gonna like start right at the top of me list so alphabetically...no particular order! =D

2hip2bSqr - Ahh, my Hipzy! So many jokes, so little time. Good days in the 30s eh Hipz? Love your sense of humour (humor?), always gets my cracking up with your random joke threads. And that 'Wierd Fact of the Day' thread...=O Keep that stuff rolling!

Adema/Aeros/Manda Panda - Hmmm, what can I say to describe me Manda Panda....i'd be here all day if I tried to describe you won't I??! Well anyways, head full of knowledge, caring, hell of a supporting girlie and just awesome! Oooh, and great music taste as well! You're the one that got me into Adema Missy!

Allie5101 - Hehe, you still enjoying wrapping up guys in duct tape eh Allie?? Glad to call you a friend Allie, so supportive in every situation and gladly sticks up for anyone you call a friend, gotta catch up some time in the 50's! =D

Almexx/Alex - =O One of my new friends! Always hanging around Grab, awesome person to get help from, one of my geeky friends that love Futurama and her movies! (Note from me - Ooooh, just like me!) Love to get to know ya better Alex! =]]

Ancantsia/Ancanteh - Ancanteh! You know you're one of my favourites in the teens room don'tcha? =D I didn't pop no bubble as well....but still, awesome friend, fun to be around with, ever so random! So many jokes and laughs in the teens. Thanks for everything Ancanteh!

Anchor/Unkie/Matt - Oooh, what can I say about my Unkie....you was my first Unkie on Grab I think....always looking out for me, defending me whenever someone's trying to trouble me, giving me advice when I need it...telling me not to drink so much Lucozade...oh oh! And one of the ex 30's room regulars!

Andowen - Uhh....you fart alot don'tcha Babaaaa? XP I'mma 'auntie' of this lil kiddo, so adorable and the first Grab Babeh! I think...

Arnie3/Izz - Haha, another ex 30's regular. Attempting to stalk me from time to time....have the most wierd and rude conversations ever on MSN - Always tries to be happy and humour me and some others.....has the biggest typo disease ever! She sent me a pressie which I can proudly say I LOVE IT! Oh! And a signed picture of Baba...*sniff* So proud... XD

Autumn_2426 - I must admit I don't know ya a lot Autumn but damn you can be sooo rude! (Guy wise...=P) Some random threads you corrupt a hell of a lot of people...*cough* TEA BAG *cough* But besides that, one of the smartest and wisest people I know despite the fact you're still a young one!

Bbqt/Barbed Wire - One of the ex 30's room regulars, enjoys having food fights with me! Having fun with silly string and pies.....love to mess around with llama's..... XD Ahh...the silly ole' times..... =D

Bond008/Bondy - Heh, another wise person I know! Awesome at poetry, can be humerous and serious at the same time. Able to take a joke - just a great guy to know on this site!

BornAVirgin/Unkie - Hehe, typical guy that LOVES his games. Seriously competitive........remember that Super Bob game...? I got my arse seriously kicked in that game...*hides*

Bozo/Bozi - Oooh, another awesome friend! Mother of a few more great friends on this site/reality! I'm guessing the good friend gene runs through the family.... =D

Carol37/Breadie/Breadhead - A very supportive mate that looks out for her friends and family, i'm her little skittles and she's my breadie! How cool are we?? We have funny nicknames! XD

Cdysmamaw/Wandy - So inspirational, another person i'm glad to call a friend, doesn't like to get into fights or being put in the middle, I check out your thread from time to time Wandy!

ChihuahuaLover - Ahh! This gal is sooo random and loves her pet doggies to bits! We have the most randomest conversations via grab messages....like ways how to split Manda Panda into two and share out between us...dun think that spa plan worked... XP

Chintz/Eggie - Marmite hating person....mehehe, use marmite to annoy the heck out of you don't I dear Big Sis of  mine? One of the daughters of Bozi, great friend, another stalker! Seriously, find her in teens looking for me usually... XD

Danny_01/Showerboy - Good and bad times eh Danny? Need to catch up Dude, you dun want me pushing you down a hill into a lake again do ya?! Anywhoo, still love ya to bits.

Diferuent29 - Casual lad - Smartie as well! Has an awesome myspace layout, always asking and taking care of people he knows, keep smiling Alex. =]]

Director24 - Has a very interesting history - always trying to keep peace within everyone, hard working, a wonderful and caring friend. *dances to Dancing Queen*

Dragonflyfritter/Draggie - MY PET!!!! I love this gal to bits, so funny and random, one of the people in our awesome MSN conversations. Loves to speak on mic and keep me from knowing what 'wob wob' really is....*stares* Ohhh! And gay kittehs!

Erikha/Mommi - One of my first Grab mothers, long term friend, so independant! Good luck with your business and book thingy mommi, talk to ya soon!

Fallen_Angel031/Lithi/Pat - Oooh, you're probably one of the longest i've known on this site Lithi, back to when you was Lithium....hence your nickname....but still, awesome friend, funny and come to think of it....you do remind me of that guy from Willy Wonka film... XP

FHPD18/Dad/Pat - One of my Dad's! Funny guy that loves to sing his butt off in the teens room...and yahoo IM....always correcting me...=P And taking the mick I argue with little 5 year olds at the skatepark.... *hides in a box*

Ffloydthebarber/Dad - Hehe, another Dad of mine! Yeah yeah...i've got loads....got a another coming up soon...but anyways, long term friend again, loves his old school music and lives kinda close to me! I can stalk ya Dad... =D

Firestarter/Auntie - Hehe....sorry Firey...I forgot you! >.< Silly me...i'm sorry, anyways, first time I started talking to ya was in the teen chat! You was sooo sweet and helpful! So glad you're happy now, you must tell me every detail of your wedding still!

Forestgirl/Foresty/Auntie - Awesome friend once again! Always protecting her loved ones! Oh and giving Arn a place to stay! I just noticed the pictures in your profile Foresty... =P

Fuzzyhaze/Fuzzhead/Dad - Here's another Dad for ya! Anyways, this Dad is the best! He sent me skittles... =P (IN YOUR FACE PEOPLE IN THE UK! I HAD TROPICAL, BERRY AND SMOOTHIE SKITTLES BEFORE YOU!!!) *coughs* Anyways....damn they were tasty! Love to have food fights with me...hehe, good times. Love ya Dad!

GirlFromHell2/Sat/Satteh/Saturn...(and some other nicknames) - Oh wow..this gal is one of my bestest friends on Grab, actually...probably top of the list! First person I knew properly on Grab....my stalker and me penpal! Awesome personality, funny, random....just one of the best people to be around with! Oooh! And she actually gives advice! So much things we share. =]] Love ya Satttteh!

Hazard667788/Jon - Another Dad... XD Simpson fan....kinda wierd as well... =P Wierd taste in football teams....you know Liverpool rule Dad... =D

Hellykwee/Mum - Bored of Dad's yet? Well here's another Mommi for ya! I adopted her and Fuzzo as one set of me parents....so funny and she's the one that told me Long Island Ice Teas were real.....and offered to let me have some... =P

Heyz/Myr/ Mum - Another Mommi! Well, it pretty started off as friend...to consience...to bub...to sister....and now to Mommi! We both enjoy our 8ball pool games, always there for me no matter what, love ya mommi dear!

Huldera/Hopp/Mum - Hehe, must be getting bored of mommi's now... XD Anyways, another great friend/family member! Loves to play  the flute, she passed her skills down to me... =P Coz I can play it too! =D

Jcfreak92553 - Lol, another great bloke - Started talking in the 30s room, but now its either the teens chat, Yahoo IM or MSN. Very random and caring. =D

Kokokitten - Ahh, very mysterious and a very good friend. Always looking out for me and sending her greetings my way. Has a very wide knowledge about mythical creatures which i'm interested in. =D

Lunchbox/Darth Box/ Boxhead/Lunchables - ....You nicknames can go on Boxhead, but you're a smart guy, always debating and you can play the drums!! =O TEACH ME!!!

Missycher/Mum - Aww, so sweet and caring and another one of my Mommi's! Sent me such a lovely present which I still have along with my accessories...(did I spell that right?) Long time no speak Mommi, need to catch up. =]]

Oxsweetieox88/Lindzo - Another great friend! I always can't seem to spell your name right (Sweetie one) Don't ask me why....coz I dunno either! One of my fellow CL..thingies...same time as me so ya! Love ya Lindzo Bindzo! *cheers* =P

Ribbonsfly/Bonnie - Oooh! This gal's a peach! So girlie and so fun to be around with. More girlie than me I must admit... XD She's my lobster....*click click* Has an awesome Myspace too... =P

RideTheSurf/Ben - I love this guy to pieces! Lives close to me.....we have our fun taking the mick out of the paedophile like guys that add me....so ya....I seriously love him the mostest out of the guys... =P =P *big hugs* (Is mostest a word...?) *prods you* You shall be my squishie!

Scaremaster/Trippy - Hehe, along with Ancanteh and Sat, one of my best teen chat friends! So funny and random just like the others! She's one of my triplets....=D I remember this triplet....who's the other? XD

Shadow_Da_Hedgie - Damn this dude's random....most random out of the lot to be honest...can cheer you up when you're feeling down. Loves to flame people, should class that as his hobby... =P Anyways, funny guy, really. =D

Spacedoubt/Unkie - Now this bloke definately cheers you up....with his nekkid crouching down on a mirror and shaving habit... XD Dunno if you remember that Unkie but that thought is pretty much stuck with me now....

Ssssnakebite/Auntie Snakie - Oooh! Along with Fuzzo! One of the providers of tasty skittles! Always manages to stir things up to something corrupted....love ya Snakie!

Steddy/Teddy - Another long term friend! Always giving advice and never visiting teens room anymore.....need to get the regulars back in the teens room don'tcha think Ted??!

Taffy70/Popcorn/Lisa/Auntie - What shall I describe this gal as..? Kinky....? Fun...? Smart...? Yeah, all of those! One of my great friends, awesome CL person, always looking out for me! Love ya Popcorn!

Trynt/Tryfle - Wooooooooot! One of my rocker gals! Hanging around with me in teens, having fun with her dark prince... ;-)....one of the ex 30's regulars! Awesome personality and music taste! Attack teh llama's with teh shovels!!!

Tubaguy23/Herb/Unkie - Lol, this guys another smartie, always making jokes when he's in the teens room. Been talking more the past few days, you need to visit me again in the teens room Unkie Herb!

Wanna_b_airforce - Another sister! Always sharing her stories and giving great advice when I need it. Loves to get her point across, great friend.

Whitleighboy/Wheetoz - Lol, this guy and his cheesy jokes... XD Gotta love this dude, funny and random, like a big brother  I never had... =D I have fun kicking his arse at checkers... =D

Willow28/Willowy - Haha, this gal's got such a great humour! Always putting what she thinks is right, well opinionated! Fun to have a chat with!

XXX_BunBun_XXX/Bunhead/Sam - Love this gal too! One of the regulars along with some others in the teens! Long term friend! Spoke to her on the phone, always talking about our problems and sorting and reassuring each other. Another best friend! Glad to see you happy Bunhead!

Z4nier/Squish - Haha, another awesome friend! Always taking the mick out of me....or the other way round. Always in the MSN convos trying to be the peaceful and innocent one....you're not so innocent are ya??! Great bubbly personality, person I always talk too! =D

 

I've a feeling I missed some people out....i'm sorry if I did, tell me and i'll add ya... =D