Summer Classes for Men

 THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Friday, June 29th 2009  
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.  

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM  

Class 6
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.  

Class 8
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

  
Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined 

 
Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.  

Class 11
Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined  

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM. 

 
Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Rememberin g Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours. 

Class 14
The Stove/Oven-- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.   
 

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

What, you ask, is 'Butt dust?' Read on and you'll discover the joy in it! These have to be original and genuine; no adult is this creative!! 

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: 'Mom, why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?' 

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. 'I love you so much, that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.' 

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.' 

D.I (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost? 

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?' 

CLAYTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?' 

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt. Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?' 

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?' 'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust.' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust? 

The most wasted day is that in which we have not laughed.

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Here are 6 reasons why you should think before you speak. 

This one is great!

Have you ever spoken and wished you could immediately take the words back or that you could just crawl into a hole?

Here are the testimonials of a few people who did. . .

FIRST TESTIMONY

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and 3 kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"  I turned around and walked back out and never went back.  My husband didn't say a word. . .he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY

I was at the gold store comparing different kinds of golf balls.  I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.   After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works there.  He asked if he could help me.  Without thinking, I looked at him and said:  "I think I like playing with men's balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.  As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.  I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."  My sister started to laugh hysterically.  The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.  To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok.  I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.  I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.  To my horror, she looked at me and in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"  The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.  Even the tellers  stopped what they were doing.  I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.  The last thing I heard when the doors closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY

Have you ever asked your child a question one too many times?  My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.  One day we stopped at the Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands.  It was very busy, with a full dining room.  While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my 7-month-old daughter.  She was clean.  Then, I realized that Danny had not asked to go to the potty in a while.   I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, "No."  I kept thinking:  "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."  Then I said:  "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"  "No," he replied.  I just KNEW that he must have had an accident because the smell was getting worse.  Soooo, I asked one more time:  "Danny did you have an accident?"  This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, spread his cheeks and yelled: "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"  While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.  An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY. . .

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.  What happens when you predict snow but don't get any?  We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So, Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"  Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too; they were laughing so hard!

As always, competition this year has been keen. 

The candidates this year are:

Eighth Place

In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through and 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

Seventh Place

A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," accidentally jogged off a 100-foot-high cliff on his daily run.

Sixth Place

While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8-foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5-feet of sand.  People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him.  It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him.  Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

Fifth Place

Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing.  Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth Place

Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

Third Place

After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store.  The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter.  Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.  The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired.  The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by paramedics.  Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop.  The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds.  Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons.  No one else was hurt.

Honorable Mention

Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 a.m. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen.  Apparently, they failed to notice the window was closed.

Runner Up

Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic.  The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 a.m.  Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope.  Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby.  They secured one end around Bingham's leg and tied the other to the bridge.  His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle.  He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby firemen.  Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER IS......

Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderbord, Germany) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief.  Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.  The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. 

It seems to be just one more of those freak accidents that proves.....

"[censored] happens"