A few funny quips from the late Mitch Hedberg...

I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number. Something like 222-2222. I would say, "Sweet." People would say, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I would say, "Just press 2 for a while, and when I answer, you will know that you have pressed 2 enough."

One time a guy handed me a picture of himself, and he said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is of when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I am older." "You son of a bitch, how'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera."

Swiss cheese is the only cheese you can bite and miss. "Hey Mitch - does that sandwich have cheese on it?" "Every now and then!" I got some swiss air on that bite.

I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles was a laid-back company. They said "[censored] it. Cut 'em up!"

I make instant oatmeal in the morning then I don't do [censored] for an hour. Makes me wonder why I need the instant oatmeal. I could make the regular oatmeal and feel productive.

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

You know I've never been in a rotating restaurant, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, I put her on it and I gave her a burrito.

I want to be a race car passenger; just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say, man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Can I stick my feet out the window? Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Man, you really like Tide."

 The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much you play, you'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once, they're [censored]ing relentless.

 I don't have a microwave but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff.

 I saw a wino; he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude -- you have to wait!"

 Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

 Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

 Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

 A waffle is like a pancake with syrup traps.

A question that a teacher is often asked is why?  Why teach?  As I used to teach, I heard this question often.  Ask any teacher, and  each one will have different answers, but many answers will be similar to "I do it for the children."  I know that teachers don't do it for the money, for there are hundreds of professions we could do that pay more than what a teacher makes. 

As for me, the answer to that question comes from a quote I know of, I only wish I knew who actually said it first... but the reason I taught was this:

"You may be only one person in the world, but you may be the world to one person."

So I am helping out at my daughter's school.  I'm president of the PTC and am in charge of gathering needed supplies for our school's first aid/emegency kits.  I sent out a letter to the parents asking for donations of certain supplies.  Among the needed supplies was ice packs (or cold packs).

So a few days pass, and supplies roll in.  On Thursday,  a little hispanic first grader, whose name i did not get, comes into the office with a plastic bag, and said it was for our donation.  I didn't immediately look in the bag, but set it on the table. 

A little while later i noticed a small puddle of water on the table.  I see that it's coming from this bag the kid brought in.  I look in side, and see that the plastic bag is full of...

ice!  This sweet little kid, probably wanting to help out so bad, and not being able to buy anything, gave us a plastic shopping bag full of ice for one of our cold packs!

Isn't that the sweetest thing you've ever heard?

By the way, I put that bag of ice into the freezer of the teacher's lounge... just in case!