A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him.
'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

 

 

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

 

 

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night.

Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect. So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally toots quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.

Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, turns to the waiter and demands "Stop That!"

The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Sure lady, which way was it headed?"

 

 

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's
used size 14-16 work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy
of Guns & Ammo Magazine.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and
magazines.
4 Leave a note on your door that reads:

Bubba,

Big'un, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer.
Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls - they
attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up
bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard
to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four
of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.

Cooter

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I snagged this from  Donna.  You can snag it from me and post it on your blog.

At Sunday school they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter? Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

  

 

Once upon a time there were three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, and they all lived together.

One night the 96 year old ran a bath. She put one foot in and paused. "Was I getting in the tub or out?" she yelled.

The 94 year old hollered back, "I don't know. I'll come and see." She started up the stairs and stopped. She shouted, "Was I going up or coming down?"

The 92 year old sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sister’s shook her head and said, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," and knocked on wood for good measure.

Then she yelled, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

 

  

 

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams"

  

 

A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical.
The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, "Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?"

And the man says, "Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off."

Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished.

He called the man's wife and said, "I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?"

And she says, "That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!"

 

  

 

 

 

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook people taking things out on you when, through no fault of your own, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor.
If you can always sleep without the aid of drugs,
Then........





You are probably the family dog.

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.

They boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?".

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray, "Take only one. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One child whispered to another, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After 50 years of wondering why he didn't look like his younger sister or brother, the man finally got up the nerve to ask his mother if he was adopted.

"Yes, you were son," his mother said as she started to cry softly. "but it didn't work out and they brought you back."

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Sunday before Christmas, a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money. He asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly looking lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front.

Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

 

 

 

 

The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies;
 probably because generally they are the same people."  

"A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject."   Winston Churchill

"Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."   Abraham Lincoln

"Would you live with ease, do what you ought, and not what you please."   Benjamin Franklin

"I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are."   Milton Berle

"When we were children we were grateful to those who filled our stockings at Christmas time. Why are we not grateful to God for filling our stockings with legs?"   G K Chesterton

"I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose."   Woody Allen

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight." 
 Phyllis Diller

"A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don't have a J.O.B."
 Fats Domino

"Money doesn't make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million." -- 
 Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Insanity is hereditary - you get it from your children."

"The simplest toy, one which even the youngest child can operate, is called a grandparent."

  

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
'Hold my purse.'

"Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss." - Douglas Adams

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?

  Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
-- Dale Carnegie

When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.
-- Gracie Allen

Until I was 13, I thought my name was 'Shut Up.'
-- Joe Namath

 If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!
-- Milton Jones

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
-- Stephen Wright

Why pay a dollar for a bookmark? Why not use the dollar for a bookmark? Steven Spielberg

  I chased a girl for two years only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: We were both crazy about girls. Groucho  Marx

 

 

AIN'T....................

He was just a little boy,

 On a week's first day.

Wandering home from Bible school,

 And dawdling on the way.

He scuffed his shoes into the grass;

He even found a caterpillar.

 He found a fluffy milkweed pod,

And blew out all the 'filler.'

A bird's nest in a tree overhead,

So wisely placed up so high.

 Was just another wonder,

That caught his eager eye.

 A neighbor watched his zig zag course,

 And hailed him from the lawn;

 Asked him where he'd been that day

And what was going on.

 'I've been to Bible School,'

 He said and turned a piece of sod.

 He picked up a wiggly worm replying,

 'I've learned a lot about God.'

 'M'm very fine way,'

 the neighbor said,

'for a boy to spend his time.'

'If you'll tell me where God is,

 I'll give you a brand new dime.'

Quick as a flash the answer came!

 Nor were his accents faint.

 'I'll give you a dollar, Mister,

 If you can tell me where God ain't.

' Have a great week!

 

From: Skatemodee Send a message Date: January 16, 2009 02:19 PM Add to friends list

Subject: Congratulations Blogger! Add to ignore list Hi! I have the distinct privilege of offering you my heartiest congratulations on being selected as a featured blogger! Way to get your blog on! Check it out: http://blogs.grab.com/ ~

Skate

Grab Staff

"Smoking helps you lose weight -- one lung at a time!"

"Medical insurance is what allows people to be ill at ease!"

"In retrospect it becomes clear that hindsight is definitely overrated!"

"If opera is entertainment, then falling off a roof is transportation!"

"How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?"

I'm not aging, I just need re-potting.
 
I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully.

By the time you find greener pastures, you can't climb the fence!

This house is protected by killer dust bunnies.

Every time I get the urge to exercise, I lie down till the feeling passes.

Beautiful Dreamer a poem by Stephen Foster  

 
 
Beautiful dreamer, wake unto me,
Starlight and dewdrops are waiting for thee;
Sounds of the rude world heard in the day,
Lull'd by the moonlight have all pass'd away!

Beautiful dreamer, queen of my song,
List while I woo thee with soft melody;
Gone are the cares of life's busy throng.

Beautiful dreamer, awake unto me!
Beautiful dreamer, awake unto me!

Beautiful dreamer, out on the sea,
Mermaids are chaunting the wild lorelie;
Over the streamlet vapors are borne,
Waiting to fade at the bright coming morn.

Beautiful dreamer, beam on my heart,
E'en as the morn on the streamlet and sea;
Then will all clouds of sorrow depart,

Beautiful dreamer, awake unto me!

 

 

 

This was my daddy's favorite melody  when I was a child.  He whistled beautifully  and I can remember hearing him whistle "Beautiful Dreamer often.

It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers." "That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement.

The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?" With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

One day this man walked into a bar and the man next to him said, "Hey If you fall from the 10th floor, the wind will pick you up and you will live." The Man said ," no you wont, let me see you do it" "Okay"

So the Man already in the bar does it and lives,

So the man who walked into a bar did it and SPLAT

Then the bartender says, "Superman, your a real jerk when your drunk

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could to get to Sunday School. As she ran, she prayed.

"Dear Lord, please don't let me be late. Dear Lord, please don't let me be late" .... at this moment she tripped and fell, getting her clothes dirty.

She got up, brushed herself off and started running again, praying, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...but DON'T SHOVE me anymore!"