"Smoking helps you lose weight -- one lung at a time!"

"Medical insurance is what allows people to be ill at ease!"

"In retrospect it becomes clear that hindsight is definitely overrated!"

"If opera is entertainment, then falling off a roof is transportation!"

"How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?"

I'm not aging, I just need re-potting.
 
I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully.

By the time you find greener pastures, you can't climb the fence!

This house is protected by killer dust bunnies.

Every time I get the urge to exercise, I lie down till the feeling passes.