What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
'Hold my purse.'

"Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss." - Douglas Adams

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?

  Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
-- Dale Carnegie

When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.
-- Gracie Allen

Until I was 13, I thought my name was 'Shut Up.'
-- Joe Namath

 If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!
-- Milton Jones

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
-- Stephen Wright

Why pay a dollar for a bookmark? Why not use the dollar for a bookmark? Steven Spielberg

  I chased a girl for two years only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: We were both crazy about girls. Groucho  Marx