A four-year-old wanders up and down the aisles of a supermarket
crying his eyes out.

"What's the matter young fella?" asks a concerned shop assistant.

"I've lost my mummy!" wails the youngster, sobbing convulsively.

"Don't worry, we'll soon find her," soothes the shop assistant.
"Now, what's mummy like?"

"Big cocks and vodka," sobs the little fella.

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 7 year-old again.

I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant. 

I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a sidewalk with rocks.
I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.

I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day.

I want to return to a time when life was simple, when all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes,but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care. All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset. 

I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good. I want to believe that anything is possible.

I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again. I want to live simple again. 

I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones. 

 I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow. 

 So . . . here's my checkbook and my car keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood. 

And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, cause........ 
 
....."Tag! You're it."

Worm Class
===========

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add
emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the
following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation, "What can you learn from
this demonstration?"

A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate

...you won't have worms!"

ONE FLAW IN WOMEN By Unknown

By the time the Lord made woman, he was into his sixth day of working overtime. An angel appeared and said, "Why are you spending so much time on this one?" And the Lord answered, "Have you seen my spec sheet on her? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic, have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable and able to run on diet coke and leftovers, have a lap that can hold four children at one time, have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart -and she will do everything with only two hands." The angel was astounded at the requirements. "Only two hands!? No way! And that's just on the standard model? That 's too much work for one day. Wait until tomorrow to finish. "But I won't," the Lord protested. "I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart. She already heals herself when she is sick AND can work 18 hour days." The angel moved closer and touched the woman. "But you have made her so soft, Lord." "She is soft," the Lord agreed, "but I have also made her tough. You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish." "Will she be able to think?", asked the angel. The Lord replied, "Not only will she be able to think, she will be able to reason and negotiate." The angel then noticed something, and reaching out, touched the woman's cheek. "Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model. I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one." "That's not a leak," the Lord corrected, " that's a tear!" "What's the tear for?" the angel asked. The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love, her loneliness, her grief, and her pride." The angel was impressed. "You are a genius, Lord. You thought of everything! Woman is truly amazing." And she is! Women have strengths that amaze men. They bear hardships and they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous. They fight for what they believe in. They stand up to injustice. They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution. They go without so their family can have. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. They love unconditionally. They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards. They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They grieve at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart. Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning. They bring joy, hope and love. They have compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends.Women have vital things to say and everything to give. HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN, IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

 

Just a few reminders so you can plan ahead (AS IF!!! )

 

Memorial Day (US) - 3 days away - 5/29

 

Father's Day (US) - 23 days away - 6/18

 

Independance Day (US) - 39 days away - 7/04

 

 

Labor Day (US) - 101 days away - 09/04

 

 

Columbus Day (US) - 136 days away - 10/09

 

Halloween - 158 days away - 10/31

 

Veteran's Day (US) - 169 days away - 11/11

 

 

Thanksgiving Day (US) - 181 days away - 11/23

 

Christmas - 213 days away - 12/25

 

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor
and says "Doc, I'm getting married this week-end and my fiancée
thinks I'm a virgin, is there anything you can do to help me?"

The doctor says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can
try... On the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed,
take an elastic band and slide it up your upper thigh. When your
husband enters you for the first time, snap the elastic band and
tell him it's your virginity snapping."

The woman loves this idea, and knows her hubby-to-be will fall
for it.

They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite.
The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic
band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her
man.

Things begin to progress, her hubby "slips it in", she snaps the
elastic band, and the hubby screams...

"What the heck was that!!?"

The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity
snapping".

The husband cries out,

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

"Well snap it again, it's got my balls!!"

My Mom sent this to me today and I'm passing the love to ya'll!

Have a wonderful week, my friends!

 

PS.  Feel free to swipe and share the love!

You scored as Fallen Angel. You my friend are a FallenAngel. You were amongst the closest to God, yet love led you down a path of self-destruction. You find yourself crying a lot, because of the pains of this world. Yes it is very crewl, yet you know there isn't a thing you can do about it. Follow your heart and you will find some of your former happiness. Fallen Angel 100% You are a Vampiric Elf! 92% Vampire 50% Black Witch 25% You are a Demon 0% What creature of the night are you you most like? (Pics!!) created with QuizFarm.com

1.	"Have you ever been in therapy? No? You should try it. It's like a really easy game show where the correct answer to every question is: 'Because of my mother.'" Robin Greenspan
2.	"After a year in therapy my psychiatrist said to me, 'Maybe life isn't for everyone'." Larry Brown.
3.	"The nice thing about meditation is that it makes doing nothing quite respectable." Paul Dean.
4.	"If excessive smoking actually plays a role in the production of lung cancer, it seems to be a minor one." Dr WC Heuper (1954)
5.	"As she lay there dozing next to me, one voice inside my head kept saying, 'Relax, you're not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients', but the another kept reminding me, 'Howard, you are a veterinarian!'" Dick Wilson.
6.	"My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more." Walter Matthau.
7.	"A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a labotomy." Joan Rivers.
8.	"She got her looks from her father: He's a plastic surgeon." Groucho Marx.
9.	"For the majority of people smoking has a beneficial effect." Dr Ian MacDonald (1963)
10.	"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." Samuel Goldwyn.

As if we ever doubted!!!

Just some stuff I found that had me giggling...enjoy!

 

Appearances are deceiving!!! 

 

Never EVER go for the "surprise" balloon!!! lol

The Connection

 

 

I don't say it enough, but to all of you...you are vitally important to me, and  

THE BATHROOM DOOR IS CLOSED

(For A Reason!)

Please do not stand here and talk, whine, or ask questions.
Wait until I get out.

Yes, it is locked. I want it that way. It is not broken, I am not trapped.

I know I have left it unlocked, and even open at times, since you were born,
because I was afraid some horrible tragedy might occur while I was in here,
but it's been 10 years and I want some PRIVACY.

Do not ask me how long I will be. I will come out when I am done.



Do not bring the phone to the bathroom door.



Do not go running back to the phone yelling
"She's in the BATHROOM!"

Do not begin to fight as soon as I go in.



Do not stick your little fingers under the door and wiggle them.
This was funny when you were two, but not now.



Do not slide pennies, Legos, or notes under the door.
Even when you were two this got a little tiresome.



If you have followed me down the hall talking,
and are still talking as you face this closed door,

please turn around, walk away, and wait for me in another room.
I will be glad to listen to you when I am done.

And yes, I still love you.

Rubber Ducky