A preacher said to a farmer, "Do you belong to the Christian family?" "No," he said, "they live two farms down." "No, I mean are you lost?" "No, I've been here thirty years." "I mean, are you ready for Judgment Day?" "When is it?" "Could be today or tomorrow." "Well, when you find out for sure when it is, you let me know. My wife will probably want to go both days!"   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Call to Another Church A pastor places his order at the pet store. "I need at least 50 mice, 2,000 ants and as many of those little silverfish you can get."   The clerk replies, "We can probably do that, but it might take some time. Mind if I ask why you are placing such an unusual order?"   The pastor replies, "I've accepted a call to another church and the pastor's council told me to leave the parsonage the way I found it."   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Farewell Offering During the last Sunday service that the visiting pastor was to spend at the church he served for some months, his hat was passed around for a goodwill offering. When it returned to the pastor, it was empty. The pastor didn't flinch. He raised the hat to Heaven and said, "I thank You, Lord, that I got my hat back from this congregation." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Holy Communion Being a new pastor to an aging congregation, I told them  I would be serving them prune juice in Holy Communion. When asked why I would dare entertain such a thought, I said, "If the Holy Spirit won't move you...the prune juice will!"   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Hot-Air Hand Dryers   My pastor friend put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the rest rooms at his church and after two weeks, took them out. I asked him why and he confessed that they worked fine, but when he went in there he saw a sign that read, "For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button."