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Church humor Hope you like.
Jan 22, 2009 | 9:01PM
OK, I don't write 'em -- I just forward them. Church Humor, that makes you Think.
A preacher said to a farmer, "Do you belong to the Christian family?"
"No," he said, "they live two farms down."
"No, I mean are you lost?"
"No, I've been here thirty years."
"I mean, are you ready for Judgment Day?"
"Could be today or tomorrow."
"Well, when you find out for sure when it is, you let me know.
My wife will probably want to go both days!"
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A pastor places his order at the pet store. "I need at least 50 mice,
2,000 ants and as many of those little silverfish you can get."
The clerk replies, "We can probably do that, but it might take
some time. Mind if I ask why you are placing such an unusual order?"
The pastor replies, "I've accepted a call to another church and the
pastor's council told me to leave the parsonage the way I found it."
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During the last Sunday service that the visiting pastor was
to spend at the church he served for some months, his hat
was passed around for a goodwill offering.
When it returned to the pastor, it was empty. The pastor didn't flinch.
He raised the hat to Heaven and said, "I thank You, Lord, that I got
my hat back from this congregation."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Being a new pastor to an aging congregation, I told them
I would be serving them prune juice in Holy Communion.
When asked why I would dare entertain such a thought,
I said, "If the Holy Spirit won't move you...the prune juice will!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hot-Air Hand Dryers
My pastor friend put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the rest
rooms at his church and after two weeks, took them out.
I asked him why and he confessed that they worked fine,
but when he went in there he saw a sign that read,
"For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button."
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Shoes in Church
Jul 25, 2008 | 8:42PM
Shoes in church
I showered and shaved............. I adjusted my tie. I
got there and sat.............. In a pew just in time.
Bowing my head in prayer......... As I closed my eyes, I
saw the shoe of the man next to me..... Touching my own. I
sighed.
With plenty of room on either side...... I thought,
'Why must our soles touch?'
It bothered me, his shoe touching mine... But it didn't
bother him much.
A prayer began: 'Our Father'............. I
thought, 'This man with the shoes, has no pride.
They're dusty, worn, and scratched. Even worse, there
are holes on the side!'
'Thank You for blessings,' the prayer went on.
The shoe man said............... A quiet 'Amen.'
I tried to focus on the prayer....... But my thoughts were
on his shoes again.
Aren't we supposed to look our best. When walking
through that door? 'Well, this certainly isn't
it,' I thought, Glancing toward the floor.
Then the prayer was ended........... And the songs of
praise began.
The shoe man was certainly loud...... Sounding proud as he
sang. His voice lifted the rafters......... His hands were
raised high.
The Lord could surely hear. The shoe man's voice from
the sky. It was time for the offering....... And what I
threw in was steep. I watched as the shoe man reached....
Into his pockets so deep.
I saw what was pulled out.......... What the shoe man put
in. Then I heard a soft 'clink' . As when silver
hits tin.
The sermon really bored me......... To tears, and
that's no lie. It was the same for the shoe man... For
tears fell from his eyes.
At the end of the service...... As is the custom here. We
must greet new visitors, And show them all good cheer.
But I felt moved somehow............. And wanted to meet
the shoe man.
So after the closing prayer....... I reached over and shook
his hand.
He was old and his skin was dark.... And his hair was truly
a mess. But I thanked him for coming......... For being our
guest.
He said, 'My names' Charlie.......... I'm glad
to meet you, my friend.' There were tears in his
eyes....... But he had a large, wide grin.
'Let me explain,' he said......... Wiping tears
from his eyes. 'I've been coming here for
months.... And you're the first to say
'Hi.''
'I know that my appearance.........'Is not like all
the rest. 'But I really do try.................'To
always look my best.' I always clean and polish my
shoes..'Before my very long walk.
'But by the time I get here.........'They're
dirty and dusty, like chalk.' My heart filled with
pain........... And I swallowed to hide my tears.
As he continued to apologize......... For daring to sit so
near He said, 'When I get here...........'I know I
must look a sight. 'But I thought if I could touch
you..'Then maybe our souls might unite.'
I was silent for a moment........... Knowing whatever was
said Would pale in comparison... I spoke from my heart, not
my head.
'Oh, you've touched me,' I said......'And
taught me, in part;
'That the best of any man............'Is what is
found in his heart.' The rest, I thought,..............
This shoe man will never know.
Like just how thankful I really am... That his dirty old
shoe touched my soul.
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Praise Report
Jul 06, 2008 | 9:47PM
Hello all, our pool party tonight for our church was awesome. I am still on a nature high. Well to update all of you, we had a pool party tonight and I had asked that you to pray for the people to get saved, and then follow in being baptized. I still want to shout from the roof tops. We had, now get this, not 10, not 15, but 23 people get baptized. Praise you Lord.... And another highlight of the night was a baby dedication. (spelling not sure) We had around 10 babies, toddlers dedicated to the Lord. Wow moms and dads wanting to raise their children the Godly way.
One of my friends who usually works 3rd shift, got to come tonight and she had a great time. I would like for you to pray for her also, she is having a real hard time and she is going to a new doctor to talk surgery on her left knee. She is in a lot of pain. Oh yes I forgot to tell you she has joined grab. Her name is grannymack so go by and tell her hi if you have a chance.
GOD bless all of you and thanks so much for your prayers, we had a lot of people there and I pray that they were blessed as I was. Again thanks for all your prayers, and if I can get some pictures from my friends I will post them on here. Night all I need to get some sleep.
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Surprise to us
Apr 05, 2008 | 8:27PM
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I'll bet this was a surprise to NBC
NBC POLL
Do you believe in God?
NBC this morning had a poll on this question. They had the highest
Number of responses that they have ever had for one of their polls, and the
Percentage was the same as this:
86% to keep the words, In God We Trust and God in the Pledge of Allegiance
14% against
That is a pretty 'commanding' public response.
I was asked to send this on if I agreed Or delete if I didn't .
Now it is your turn . . It is said that 86% of Americans believe in God.
Therefore, I have a very hard time understanding why there is such
A mess about having "In God We Trust" on our money and having
God in the Pledge of Allegiance.
Why is the world catering to this 14%?
AMEN!
If you agree, pass this on , if not, simply delete
In God We Trust
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Fire Rainbow
Jun 07, 2007 | 8:12PM
THIS IS A FIRE RAINBOW - THE RAREST OF ALL NATURALLY OCCURING ATMOSPHERIC PHENOMENA.
THE PICTURE WAS CAPTURED THIS WEEK ON THE IDAHO/WASHINGTON BORDER. THE EVENT LASTED
ABOUT 1 HOUR.
CLOUDS HAVE TO BE CIRRUS, AT LEAST 20K FEET IN THE AIR, WITH JUST THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF ICE
CRYSTALS
AND THE SUN HAS TO HIT THE CLOUDS AT PRECISELY 58 DEGREES.
This is God's awesome work.... Wow.. Beautiful isn't it?
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GOD's BELL
Apr 16, 2007 | 12:47AM
GOD'S BELL
I
KNOW WHO I AM
I am God's child (John 1:12)
I am Christ's friend (John 15:15)
I am united with the Lord (1 Cor. 6:17)
I am bought with a price (1 Cor.
6:19-20)
I am a saint (set apart
for God). (Eph. 1:1)
I am a personal witness of Christ (Acts 1:8)
I am
the salt & light of the earth (Matt. 5:13-14)
I am a member of the body of Christ (1 Cor
12:27)
I am free forever from
condemnation
(Rom. 8: 1-2)
I am a citizen of Heaven. I am significant (Phil.3:20)
I am free from
any charge against me (Rom. 8:31-34)
I am a minister of reconciliation for
God (2 Cor.5:17-21)
I have access to God through the Holy Spirit (Eph 2:18)
I am seated with Christ in the heavenly realms (Eph. 2:6)
I cannot be
separated from the love of God (Rom.8:35-39)
I am established, anointed,
sealed by God (2 Cor.1:21-22)
I am assured all things work together for good
(Rom. 8: 28)
I have been chosen and appointed to bear fruit (John 15:16)
I may approach God with freedom and confidence (Eph. 3: 12)
I can do all
things through Christ who strengthens me (Phil. 4:13)
I am the branch of the
true vine, a channel of His life (John 15: 1-5)
I am God's temple (1 Cor. 3:
16). I am complete in Christ (Col. 2: 10)
I
am hidden with Christ in God (Col. 3:3). I have been justified (Romans
5:1)
I am God's co-worker (1 Cor. 3:9; 2 Cor 6:1).
I am God's workmanship (Eph. 2:10)
I am confident that
the good works God has begun in me will be perfected (Phil. 1: 5)
I have
been redeemed and forgiven (Col. 1:14). I have been adopted as Gods child
(Eph 1:5)
I belong to God
Do you know
who you
are!?
Keep this
bell
ringing...
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JESUS!!
Mar 05, 2007 | 3:08PM
JESUS : The One Who Heals The Family Hurts
IN CHEMISTRY, HE TURNED WATER TO WINE.
IN BIOLOGY, HE WAS BORN WITHOUT THE NORMAL CONCEPTION.
IN PHYSICS, HE DISPROVED THE LAW OF GRAVITY WHEN HE ASCENDED INTO HEAVEN.
IN ECONOMICS, HE DISPROVED THE LAW OF DIMINISHING RETURN BY FEEDING 5,000 MEN WITH TWO FISHES & FIVE LOAVES OF BREAD.
IN MEDICINE, HE CURED THE SICK AND THE BLIND, WITHOUT ADMINISTERING A SINGLE DOSE OF DRUGS.
IN HISTORY, HE IS THE BEGINNING AND THE END.
IN GOVERNMENT, HE SAID THAT HE SHALL BE CALLED WONDERFUL COUNSELOR, PRINCE OF PEACE.
IN RELIGION, HE SAID NO ONE COMES TO THE FATHER EXCEPT THROUGH HIM.
JESUS HAD NO SERVANTS, YET THEY CALLED HIM MASTER;
HE HAD NO DEGREE, YET THEY CALLED HIM TEACHER
HE HAD NO MEDICINES, YET THEY CALLED HIM HEALER.
HE HAD NO ARMIES, YET RULERS FEARED HIM.
HE WON NO MILITARY BATTLES, YET HE CONQUERED THE WORLD.
HE COMMITTED NO CRIME, YET THEY CRUCIFIED HIM.
HE WAS BURIED IN A TOMB, YET HE LIVES TODAY.
I FEEL HONORED TO SERVE SUCH A LEADER WHO LOVES US!
LET'S CELEBRATE HIM; HE IS WORTHY.
THE EYES BEHOLDING THIS MESSAGE SHALL NOT BEHOLD EVIL, THE HAND THAT WILL SEND THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYBODY, SHALL NOT LABOR IN VAIN, AND THE MOUTH SAYING AMEN TO THIS PRAYER, SHALL SMILE FOREVER.
REMAIN IN GOD AND SEEK HIS FACE ALWAYS.
AMEN
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Update on me being Sick!!!
Feb 27, 2007 | 11:50PM
Well it looks like I am not any better, as a matter of fact I know that my rash is worse, it is now moved into my blood stream and I am itching something crazy. Now it has moved to my arms, hands, legs and stomach, so say a prayer, I will be calling the doctor or going into the walk in clinic tomorrow, so please keep on praying for me, I am hoping the doctor will give me another round of meds, cause I haven't gotten better, and I need steriods for this rash. please say a prayer for me, that I will get better.
As most of you know I am the teacher of our small groups and hurting the way that I have been hurting it is hard to get the lesson prepared, so be in prayer for that for Wednesday night, I will need all the prayers I can get... May God Bless each and everyone of you, and thanks for being my friends... Love in Prayers, Cyndi
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JESUS LOVES ME
Feb 04, 2007 | 6:49PM
He was 92 at that time and I wondered why the Church even bothered to ask the old gentleman to preach at that age. After a warm welcome, introduction of this speaker, and as the applause quieted down he rose from his high back chair and walked slowly, with great effort and a sliding gate to the podium. Without a note or written paper of any kind, he placed both hands on the pulpit to steady himself and then quietly and slowly he began to speak....
"When I was asked to come here today and talk to you, your pastor asked me to tell you what was the greatest lesson ever learned in my 50 odd years of preaching. I thought about it for a few days and boiled it down to just one thing that made the most difference in my life and sustained me through all my trials. The one thing that I could always rely on when tear s and heart break and pain and fear and sorrow paralyzed me...the only thing that would comfort was this verse..........
"Jesus loves me this I know.
For the Bible tells me so.
Little ones to him belong,
we are weak but he is strong.....
Yes, Jesus loves me...
The Bible tells me so."
When he finished, the church was quiet. You actually could hear his foot steps as he shuffled back to his chair. I don't believe I will ever forget it.
A pastor once stated, "I always noticed that its was the adults who chose the children's hymn 'Jesus Loves Me' (for the children of course) during a hymn sing, and it was the adults who sang the loudest because I could see they knew it the best."
Here is a new version of the song just for us who have white hair, or no hair at all. For us over middle age (or even those almost there) and all you others, check out this newest version of "Jesus Loves Me". It is quite cute, so read, sing and enjoy:
JESUS LOVES ME
Jesus loves me, this I know,
Though my hair is white as snow.
Though my sight is growing dim,
Still He bids me trust in Him.
YES, JESUS LOVES ME... YES, JESUS LOVES ME...
YES, JESUS LOVES ME FOR THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO.
Though my steps are oh, so slow,
With my hand in His I'll go
On through life, let come what may,
He'll be there to lead the way.
YES, JESUS LOVES ME... YES, JESUS LOVES ME...
YES, JESUS LOVES ME FOR THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO.
Though I am no longer young,
I have much which He's begun.
Let me serve Christ with a smile,
Go with others the extra mile.
YES, JESUS LOVES ME... YES, JESUS LOVES ME...
YES, JESUS LOVES ME FOR THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO.
When the nights are dark and long,
In my heart He puts a song.
Telling me in words so clear,
"Have no fear, for I am near."
YES, JESUS LOVES ME... YES, JESUS LOVES ME...
YES, JESUS LOVES ME FOR THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO.
When my work on earth is done,
And life's victories have been won.
He will take me home above,
Then I'll understand His love
YES, JESUS LOVES ME... YES, JESUS LOVES ME...
YES, JESUS LOVES ME FOR THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO
I love Jesus, does He know?
Have I ever told Him so?
Jesus loves to hear me say,
That I love Him every day.
If you think this is neat, please pass it on to your friends. If you do not pass it on, nothing bad will happen, but you will have missed an opportunity to "Reach out and Touch" a friend or a loved one.. Bless my friend who posted this for me, and how true it is... God Bless you all....Cyndi
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Good Night!!!
Jan 19, 2007 | 9:25PM
AWWWW to my sweet friends, I hope and pray that you had a great Friday, and so did I... But I am readying for bed... Can you believe it I am going to bed early....
May you all have sweet dreams and hope to see and read the rest of your blogs.
In Jesus love, Cyndi
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