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White Lie Cake
Feb 11, 2009 | 2:41PM
WHITE LIE CAKE
Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this, especially all of those who bake for church events.
Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies' Group in Tuscaloosa , but forgot to do it until the last minute. She remembered the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets, found an angel food cake mix &quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, &helping her son pack for Scout camp.
When Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. She thought, 'Oh dear, there is not time to bake another cake.'
This cake was important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church and in her new community of friends. So , being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.
Alice found it in the bathroom - a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect.
Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy the cake and bring it home.
When Amanda arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold. She grabbed her cell phone and called her mom.
Alice was horrified - she was beside herself. Everyone would know! What would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, and ridiculed! All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.
The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the cake and would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a fellow church member and try to have a good time. Alice did not want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at Alice because she was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa but, having already RSVP'd, she couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay home.
The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South and, to Alice's horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert! Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake!
She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, 'What a beautiful cake!'
Alice still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, 'Thank you, I baked it myself.'
Alice smiled and thought to herself, 'God is good.'
This was sent to me in an email. A great lesson to learn, think before you LIE!!!!! LOL hope you all had a great laugh also. C
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| category: Jokes |
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He didn't LIE
Feb 01, 2009 | 7:03PM
Well, He didn't lie. A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, Father, may I ask a favor?' 'Of course child. What may I do for you?' 'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?' 'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.' 'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.' When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?' 'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.' The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?' 'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.' Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'
Now just tell me one thing, tell me the truth. Did I get you??? A friend sent this to me, hope you get a laugh. See he didn't lie!!!
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| categories: Fun, Jokes |
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Another Joke!!!! Not dirty No Bull
Jan 31, 2009 | 2:58PM
A U.S. Department of Water representative stopped at a ranch and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation."
The old rancher said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there."
The Water representative said, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? The card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"
The old rancher nodded politely and went about his chores.
Later, the old rancher heard loud screams and saw the Water Rep running for the fence and close behind was the rancher's bull.
The bull was gaining on the Water Rep with every step.
The Rep was clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out.....
"Your card! Your card! Show him your card!"
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| categories: Fun, Jokes |
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Church humor Hope you like.
Jan 22, 2009 | 9:01PM
OK, I don't write 'em -- I just forward them. Church Humor, that makes you Think.
A preacher said to a farmer, "Do you belong to the Christian family?"
"No," he said, "they live two farms down."
"No, I mean are you lost?"
"No, I've been here thirty years."
"I mean, are you ready for Judgment Day?"
"Could be today or tomorrow."
"Well, when you find out for sure when it is, you let me know.
My wife will probably want to go both days!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A pastor places his order at the pet store. "I need at least 50 mice,
2,000 ants and as many of those little silverfish you can get."
The clerk replies, "We can probably do that, but it might take
some time. Mind if I ask why you are placing such an unusual order?"
The pastor replies, "I've accepted a call to another church and the
pastor's council told me to leave the parsonage the way I found it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
During the last Sunday service that the visiting pastor was
to spend at the church he served for some months, his hat
was passed around for a goodwill offering.
When it returned to the pastor, it was empty. The pastor didn't flinch.
He raised the hat to Heaven and said, "I thank You, Lord, that I got
my hat back from this congregation."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Being a new pastor to an aging congregation, I told them
I would be serving them prune juice in Holy Communion.
When asked why I would dare entertain such a thought,
I said, "If the Holy Spirit won't move you...the prune juice will!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hot-Air Hand Dryers
My pastor friend put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the rest
rooms at his church and after two weeks, took them out.
I asked him why and he confessed that they worked fine,
but when he went in there he saw a sign that read,
"For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button."
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| categories: Christian, Jokes |
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Have a laugh!!!!!
Dec 10, 2008 | 9:10PM
A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues.
"Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off." You're going to break something. He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center.
Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it.
Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets the urge, A diarrhea run.. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.
When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.
When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.
"Doctor! Doctor ! Are you all right?" she asks.
He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart !"
You're laughing aren't you.... I know you are !!! Sorry I just couldn't pass this one up, my friend from Maine sent this to me... Cyndi
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| category: Jokes |
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Funnies- Then the fight started!!!!
Jul 16, 2008 | 10:32AM
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....
so, I took her to a gas station.....
and then the fight started....
************************************************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license
to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my
wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curl y silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too'
And then the fight started.....
***********************************************************************
I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out
of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things
just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And that's how the fight started.....
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| category: Jokes |
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LIE DETECTOR!!!
May 04, 2008 | 7:38PM
LIE DETECTOR!
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son,
returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.
The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said,
"I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John.
"When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said,
"Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy.
After all, he is your son!"
With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
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| category: Jokes |
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Drinking with a Redneck Girl
Jul 13, 2007 | 9:35PM
Drinking with a Redneck Girl
A Mexican, an Iraqi, and a redneck girl are in the same bar. When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice." The Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either." The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, "In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice." God Bless America !
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| category: Jokes |
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GRANDMA
Jul 12, 2007 | 7:01AM
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where
the activities for her 100th Birthday were taking place.
Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes
when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning
off to the right so some family members grabbed her, straightened
her up, and stuffed pillows on her right. a short time later, she started
leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed
pillows on her left.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members
again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold
her up.
A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said,
'Hi,Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?'
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note
to the nephew...
'They won't let me fart.'
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| category: Jokes |
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Test for Smart People!!!!
Jun 16, 2007 | 8:33PM
Test for Smart People...I have determined that you qualify.
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether
you are qualified to be a professional. Scroll down for each answer. The
questions are NOT that difficult. But don't scroll down UNTIL you have
answered the question!
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and
close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things
in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the
refrigerator?
Wrong Answer.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the
elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the
repercussions of your previous actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals
attend...except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You
just put him in there. This tests your memory.
Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you
still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you
do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not
been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.
This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the
professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers
got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively
disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a
four-year-old.
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| categories: Fun, Jokes |
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