No matter which direction you start, it’s always the wind against you coming back.

If at first you don’t succeed then skydiving is not for you.

No, I don’t have PMS.  I just really hate you.

Friends help you move.  Real friends help you move the body.

Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.

It is impossible to make anything fool proof because fools are ingenious.

Never share a foxhole with someone braver than you are.

When in doubt, mumble.

Computer lie #1:  You will never use all that disk space.

Ah yes, divorce..., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. -- Robin Williams.

When it comes to thought, some people stop at nothing.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

Does my quiet self-pity get to you or should I move up to incessant nagging?

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first.  By the second day, you're off it. --Jackie Gleason

Never moon a werewolf.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.

Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. -- Emo Phillips

The geek shall inherit the earth.

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. – Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson)