Holy Cripes I'm blogging!!!

Yes, the first day of school has arrived which means now that 3 of the boys are in school (Chase would be also but we know where HE is right now), I actually have a smidgeon of time on my hands to sit here and unabashedly BLOG.

I have already accomplished about half of my chore list and WOW does that feel GOOD!  I have plenty left to do, never doubt that.  But it's a good feeling to know that I'm halfway done with my days listed activities and it's not even 8:30 in the morning.  Holy wow.

I'm as excited for my boys as I am for myself.  Chandler begins his first 'real' year being a first grader and as it happens, he has the same teacher Conlan did last year.  Poor woman.  Did she do this to herself or was it mere luck?  Actually she really enjoyed Conlan when he wasn't acting up.  He is a sweet, likable kid who could charm the horns off the devil if he's in the right mood.  And Chandler is just as darling, once you get past his high-pitched mickey mouse voice.

And Conlan is a full-fledged second grader and is looking forward to meeting his new teacher.  Looking forward to a new year of fun, learning, and making new friends, meeting up with ones made from last year.

For me, it allows me more time to accomplish things throughout the day, time to work with Caleb on his pre-K learning, time to regroup throughout the day (even with a 2 year old and a 4 year old at home with me), time to see things from my children's eyes that I haven't thought about for years, time to enjoy the little things in life again.  Summer is enjoyable, however it's a chaotic, restless time for children.  They spend half their summer freedom enjoying being able to do whatever they want (for the most part, anyway) and the rest of the time they plague their caregivers because they're BORED.

However, the first day of school also signifies for me the end of an era and the beginning of a next.  Fall will be approaching before long, which just happens to be my favorite time of year.  The crispness to the air returns, the leaves scuttling along the road, the smell of chimney smoke as people once again think about staying warmer in the evenings instead of searching ways to cool down from a hot day.  The gradual shift of the climate, causing longer sleeves to be worn and the thought of jackets for those cool mornings.

It also represents holidays that will soon be arriving.  Halloween and costumes and the sounds of children laughing and shouting TRICK OR TREAT throughout the neighborhood.  Thanksgiving, a time to be think about the blessings in our life and how much we have as opposed to how much we don't.  A time to be truly grateful for the things in our lives that we take for granted every other day.

Then of course, Christmas.  OMG Christmas.  Can you really believe it's this close?  Have you thought about what you will be getting or making for those loved ones in your life?  Are you prepared for the nastiness of drivers (I don't get it, but it's true) around the season that is supposed to be the most joyous of the year?  The endless lines in the stores and the crankiness of people all struggling to get that one perfect gift?  When did it turn into this?  When did it become so commericalized and all about the presents under the tree?  When did we shift from being joyous and humbled by the birth of our Savior to rats in a maze, shopping shopping shopping, trying to get the gift that will most please and delight?  Shouldn't that holiday be about family, love and peace?

And as the year ends and we celebrate the last day of the year and the beginning of the next, we reflect on things that we have done with our last year.  Things we could have done better, things we are proud of ... accomplisments and trials gotten through.  We cast our eyes on the year approaching, and dream of what we hope to do.  Dreams of better times, a better year, a better us.  We make resolutions of newer, better, more happy selves.  It's a fresh foot foreward, it's a time to shed bad things and look forward with delight to newer, happier times.   Unfortately it can also be a time when people go out to celebrate a little too hard and wind up beginning the new year in tragedy.  I can only pray that the general population will try harder to celebrate with friends and family this year instead of taking their party on the road.

The first day of school.  For many reasons it represents to me more than just another ordinary day.  It's the end of summer.  It's the beginning of a new period.  And I embrace the thrill of the first day of school with all the enthusiasm of a small child.  I do not hang onto my childrens' hands, sorrowful that they aren't home with me.  I push them with a smile towards the van that picks them up, excited for them as they leave me for the day to engage in a whole new world of learning, of friends, and challenges.  I will be here when they come home, excited to tell me all about their day.  I will be here to help them with their homework.  I will be here to share in their learning and to encourage them to meet those challenges.  And I will stand back and allow them to make mistakes that they can learn from.  I will be their rock.  I will be the best mom I can be.

I can only pray that they understand when they're older how much my love for them has been.  Since the time they rested beneath my heart, fluttering kicks and ticklish movements, I have loved them.  Dreamed for them.

The first day of school.  What an awesome day!

Chase just returned to the residential facility today after another pretty good 48 hour TCA (out of hospital visitation).  He did pretty good here at home, with only a few minor "burps".

I called him tonight and he told me that if he doesn't clean up his room he'll be dropped a level, which I would hate to see happen, but it sure gives him incentive lol!

I'm still hoping for him to be able to get discharged before school starts, but no word on that from anyone yet.  I want for it to happen, but more importantly, I want for him to be able to function well and maintain once he does get out of there.   If that means him staying a little longer than I want, then so be it.

This is about him.  Not me.

Dear Bug,

I know the cat boxes have just been cleaned, I mean REALLY cleaned.  But that doesn't entitle you to play in them.

It's not REALLY a sand box!

I went to go see my 'baby' tonight.  He's doing better than he has in a long time.  No hitting, no cursing, no screaming, no self-injurious behaviors and he has almost hit level one again.  They even have a handle (knock on wood) on the vomiting problem that he's had for such a very long time.  Basically he's only allowed to eat one food at a time, and he is monitored to make sure he chews thoroughly and eats slowly, allowing his stomach time to accept the food.

I spent about 25 minutes with him before he decided he would like to go back to the unit because the rest of the kids were out on the playground.  It was hot and humid (he wanted us to be outside today) so I readily agreed being as how I was already pretty tired from very little sleep last night and well, actually for the last few weeks sleep hasn't been too plentiful.

It was awesome, though, to see my Boo in such a great mood and smiling from ear to ear today.  I have strong hopes that he might be discharged sometime next month so that hopefully he'll be able to start the next school year in his regular school.  No one has said anything about it yet, but I still have my fingers crossed that he'll come home soon.  FOR GOOD.  I really hate the fact of not having him around, though I still understand the necessity of him being where he is.

Wow.  Almost 10pm on a Monday night and it's so QUIET here.  Everyone - excluding yours truly - is asleep.  Amazing.  I even folded the load of laundry sitting in the dryer.  Yes, you're right.  That's the really amazing part.

I also got my acre of a yard mowed today.  I didn't catch the areas that need a push mower or weed wacker, but at least the township won't be sending me another letter whining about my grass being too tall.  Considering the heat, this was a "feel good" accomplishment.

Oh!  Say, did I mention that my teenaged deliquent has decided to go back to school?  He's telling me he's not intending to graduate, but he will complete his junior year.  *rolls eyes*  It's a start.  He's also stopped carving things (sayings, etc.) into his arms.  Yea!!  I owe these two major changes to his new girlfriend who really is a sweet gem of a person. Now if the two of us can get him to quit the friendship he has with this one person I really don't like.  Cross your fingers, it's going to take some work to make that happen.

Cian is doing really great, still the BUG that he's always been though I have to admit, he's getting to be something of a terror about sharing any toys.  I can't personally think of any two year olds out there (present or past) that have been too keen on sharing play things, so it's pretty much to be expected.  For those of you without children, the following explains the age quite well:

Property Laws of a Toddler

What can I say?  All ages and stages are difficult and all ages and stages are wonderful.  I love my boys.  Isn't that all that really matters in life?

These are all exerpts from emails I received from my sister each day, who has had 3 of my boys since the 12th of June.

6/14:
This morning so far has been good except when Conlan hit Caleb over the potato head guy. Conlan got a five minute time out. Then he got another when he was talking to Chandler about guarding his toy. I explained the rules over time outs and he has been fine since then. We are currently getting dressed, brushing our teeth and watching TV until 2:00 when we will go to see “Cars” at the local theater.

I will update you again later or tomorrow when I get some time. I can see why you go to bed at 9pm – I’m exhausted.

6/15:
Conlan crashed at 9:15 (he had no one to annoy) and Chandler watched the entire movie until 9:30. Chandler then wanted to talk about dead people and ghosts, then his cat-Chester and other indecipherable  items. He went to sleep talking. Oh, and I got to scare the [censored] out of Conlan during the movie (this is my usual devilish self showing). I reached over and grabbed his ankle during one of the intensely scary parts. He yelped and drew his legs under him so I couldn’t do it again. No one had night mares.

This morning, however, Conlan got up at 6:30 and got Chandler out of bed, and came upstairs to wake the other two. Noah got into his clothes again, and when Ox got out of the shower, he yelled for me to “see this”. Conlan and Caleb were jumping on the bed, there were clothes everywhere – Conlan was in the process of throwing clothes in the air, Noah was head first in his drawers pulling more clothes out and Chandler was standing there yelling at everyone to stop.

So anyhoo, that’s it for the day – I will write another update later or probably tomorrow as I find time. They are really good kids and do exactly what kids their age do. There is nothing out of the ordinary except for the 42 year old aunt who can’t move as quickly as I wish.

6/16:
This is Friday’s update. The kids were very well behaved today – seems like meds are working. The only exception is Chandler’s voice. By the way. Is he still going to speech therapy? I can barely understand what he is saying and Nan can’t hear any of them. She needs an interpreter most of the time. Anyway, when Chandler gets excited, he screeches – which is far worse than getting a root canal at the dentist.

6/17:
Caleb has also been out of sorts today, exceptionally whiney and being told to do things more than three times. It’s as if he was deaf and doesn’t hear you at all. I stood right next to him and called his name four times. He was sitting on the floor in the living room attempting to put on his clothes. There was tv background noise of a cartoon, which the other kids were intently watching. I wanted to offer him help with his shirt. Weird.

He also doesn’t respond when you ask him a question like ‘why did you do that’ or ‘what are you doing’. He simply stares at you. The other (really annoying) thing he does is constantly asks you what you are doing. He does this throughout the entire day. I keep asking him if he plans on robbing a bank, or plans on taking the car for a spin. He just smiles and walks away. I am assuming this is from a lack of momentary attention.

6/20:
Nana set Conlan up with the playstation claiming he was the best of all and no problem. Then she allowed Chandler to play (after I told him that he would stay in bed under the covers until I came to get him).

An hour into our naps, all I heard was Chandler’s ear piercing voice complaining that Conlan kept killing his character. I called her on the intercom and asked that she quietly kill him to stop the screeching. She took the two boys out to swim in the back yard.

After nap time, we cooked up two family portions of chicken pot pies for dinner. They ate – again there were no left overs. They sat down to the night movie: Eight Below, which they didn’t finish watching and went to bed at 8:40. I am taking a tranquilizer tonight to sleep. See ya in the morning.

6/22:
It became sunny outside and with the two boys being babysat by the playstation and the other two sleeping, I got a chance to mow the front and half the back yard, which was long overdue. I came in drenched and dripping with sweat because of the high humidity, and sneezing my brains out from all the pollen. I smell like the NBA locker room after a winning game.

I never did get a bath last night. After dinner and a day of games, naps, hitting and arguing with each other, we all sat down to Lady & the Tramp 2: Scamps Adventure, and Superman 2, which they went to bed in the middle of.

What a waste of a day.

6/25:
Ok, they are ready to go home. They haven’t stopped fussing and hitting, kicking and ramming things into one another. Conlan is the worst and he lies about everything. Chandler is the only one who tells the truth about anything, including when he does something wrong. He will readily admit it even if it calls for a spanking. So far, he’s the only one who hasn’t gotten a spanking.

Conlan was in time out a couple of times this morning. This is after he got his meds. I’d have to day they aren’t working these days. It is thundering, lightning and raining like cats and dogs out today. We were looking into going to an aquarium, but most of them aren’t indoors, not to mention that they are extremely expensive. If were better out today, I would take them to the lake – for $5 a carload, they could swim, hike and look at monuments, etc. But it’s raining.

We watched Superman 3 for the night movie and I couldn’t wait for them to go back to bed. I now have a clear understanding of what you go through. I haven’t bathed for days, let alone shaved. I now have a bad habit of using my ugly voice most of the time when talking to (or referring to) the kids. I hear myself taking deep sighing breaths and I feel like I’ve been riding a ferris wheel for three hours – you know, dizzy, sick, disoriented.

6/26:
13 more days to go. I have lost my mind and it’s not returning any time soon.  The next time I have some money, I will buy cages for you to put in your living room for them. That’s where they belong, in separate cages, in different corners of the room. (Ha-ha)

The other two appear to be normal, but they are getting the brunt of the hitting etc. They are beginning to learn by watching him do things. I think you may have another a little like Chase on your hands. He actually bit himself and blamed it in Caleb, who I was going to strongly reprimand with a hefty time out, when Chandler told me what happened. That was only the beginning of the SHTF episode. (SHTF is [censored] HITTING THE FAN)

Then for the night movie, we watched “The Last Action Hero” and then off to bed.  Nan and I were so drained, we could have slept standing up in our boots.

6/28:
Hello again. This must be extremely entertaining for you, these little updates of how your big sister is losing her mind, one day at a time.

So they woke up and ate cereal for breakfast. Then they played loudly with toys for an hour or so while I allowed the Vicodin to take affect. Do you have any idea that these kids drink a gallon of milk per day??? I’m sure you do, since they are yours. I must be mad asking YOU that question. I cannot believe how much food they eat.

My grocery bill has doubled at the very least. I can’t imagine not having enough. They are less fussy than I originally thought. They’d eat a dead road chicken if you fried it and served it with mashed potatoes and green beans. And flattened squirrel chips with chocolate syrup. (Ha ha)

6/29:
Hello again. They have been pretty good all things considered. It’s either that or the Vicodin is working. Today was a good, hot and sunny day, very humid outside and perfect weather for running their batteries low.

They ate breakfast in the usual fashion, with Chandler dumping his entire bowlful onto the floor. Then they played with toys while I tried to figure out which of the movies I recorded for you guys were working. I allowed them outside to play with broken helicopters and a kiddie tent that Noah got for his birthday. Nana sent them out again (after several times of coming in and out) with bottles of bubbles.

Conlan was happiest playing with his broken helicopter forcing it to fly, gave his bubbles to Noah, who drank the liquid and [censored] himself down the legs and up the back. Chandler’s bubbles…who knows. Maybe that got drank too. Caleb wouldn’t allow anyone near his bubbles and actually had a quarter of the bottle to return. I brought them inside closer to lunch because their hair was dripping with sweat and they had little red faces from running all over the back yard.

6/30:
Last night around 2am, he (Conlan) got out of bed and drank an entire bottle of milk, then went to sleep on the couch. An hour later (according to Nan) he got Chandler out of bed and on the other side of the sofa. Then they were up and had Caleb up at 5am. So I was [censored]ed off as was the rest of the household, including Ocxen. At 5am they were yelling and running through the house with Chandler using his Mickey Mouse voice.

I came down and put them back into their respective beds and threatened them within an inch of their lives. It remained quiet until 8 when I got up.

I went to bed late since I was doing laundry and trying to get a few things packed up for tomorrow’s trip. I am tired and what I call “On the Edge”. They know what this means. Now I’m emailing you and waiting for the Vicodin to purge through my system so I can finish packing and loading.

****************************

My sister called me yesterday asking if it would be okay or whether I could manage to meet at the halfway point this Friday as opposed to Monday.  I think she's had as much as she can take of my darling children.  LOL

At least she has a better idea of what I go through on a daily basis, but then I have another 3 children to add into the mix.  She only had half of my kids.

I love you Chase, with every part of my soul.  I recall vividly the day you were born and how much happiness you brought to my life and to the life of others.  I want so much for you to get well and get control over these illnesses that disrupt your life!

You turn 9 years old today and WOW are you so big!!  I love you baby boy.  You'll always be my Boo.

And just think!!  In exactly 6 months it will be Christmas!

 And hey!!!  A special SHOUT OUT to your AUNT SHELLY who made it possible for me to come visit you today.

I love you with all my heart.

Don't cry for me Daddy
I am right here
Although you can't see me
I see your tears
I visit you often
Go to work with you each day
And when it's time to close your eyes
On your pillows where I lay
I hold your hand and stroke your hair
And whisper in your ear
If you're sad today Daddy
Remember I am here
God took me home
This we know is true
But you will always be my Daddy
Even though I'm not with you
I am Daddy's little boy
We will never be apart
For every time you think of me
Please know I'm in your heart.
I Love you Daddy!
Your Baby Boy
~author unknown~

Cheyland Kyler Austyne
June 17, 2006 - June 24, 2006

~ Little Angels ~

When God calls little Angels to dwell with Him above, we mortals sometime question the wisdom of His love.  For no heartache compares with the death of one small child who does so much to make our world seem wonderful and mild.  Perhaps God tires of calling the aged to his fold. So he picks a rose bud, before it can grow old.

God knows how much we need them, and so He takes but a few, to make the land of Heaven more beautiful to view. Believing this is difficult, still somehow we must try. The saddest word mankind knows, will always be "goodbye". So when a little child departs, we who are left behind must realize God loves children & angels are hard to find.

~Author Unknown~

 I said, "God, I hurt."

And God said, I know."

I said, "God, I cry a lot."

And God said, "That is why I gave you tears."

I said, "God, I am so depressed."

And God said, "That is why I gave you Sunshine."

I said, "God, life is so hard."

And God said, " That is why I gave you loved ones."

I said, "God, my loved one died."

And God said, "So did mine."

I said, "God, it is such a loss."

And God said, "I saw me son nailed to a cross."

I said, "God, but your loved one lives."

And God said, "So does yours."

I said, "God, where are they now?"

And God said, "Mine is on My right and yours is in the light."

I said, "God, it hurts."

And God said, "I know."

I called the hospital yesterday where Chase is in a residency program at to schedule another TCA (outing) for him.  I was hoping for another overnight, since he has made level 2 (again lol).  The woman who handles that type of thing said she would talk to the dr and get back to me, since she has to get approval.

She called me back later yesterday and asked how I would feel about a 48.  ARE YOU KIDDING?                   "How would I feel about it?"

THRILLED of course!

So in the scheduling of this 48 TCA, I said that I would come visit on Thursday as I always do.  Then if they could transport him here to the house on Friday, I could drive him back on Sunday.  She told me she would check to make sure this was doable and is supposed to get back to me today.

A WEEKEND WITH MY SON!  God is smiling upon me today.  I can just feel it.

Yes that's right.  My "baby" boy was given an overnight pass, a 24 hour TCA, and is here with me right now!!

It is SO wonderful to wake up to his smiling face!  And so far, he's doing REALLY well.  No meltdowns, no fighting, no arguments.  No rages!

Of course I know full well he is still capable of them.  Part of me is holding my breath because we have all day to get through with him asking me a million things and half of which I will have to respond NO to.  So we'll see.

But so far he is doing really great and everyone is loving having him home.

About boys.

Maybe someone can help me out here.

Butt fighting. What the HELL is that about? The other night 3 of the boys are in the living room. I hear Conlan, the 7 year old, shout BUTT FIGHT!!! Cautiously I peeked around the corner and sure enough, there are two of the boys BUTT FIGHTING. What the hell? This was one of those times I simply shook my head and walked away. QUIETLY.

Rollercoasters. No, not your average everyday you'll-never-get-me-on-one-of-those rollercoasters. I mean, dragging a comforter off one of the beds and having 4 boys climb on and RIDE it down the stairs. I was informed by my 6 year old that it is fun because when you land, you get to hurt your nuts. Ummmm .... right.

Retirement. Ok, this one is a little odd but I have to include it simply because it struck my funny bone. Listening to the conversation from the back of the van the other day, I was amused to hear this gem.
Chandler: What happens when you die?
Conlan: You retire.
Chandler: When you die you retire?
Conlan: NO it's the other way around stupid.
Chandler: But I don't want to die!
Conlan: Well then you better work all your life.
Me: Shakes head and hides grin.

There are just way too many opportunities in which I have a choice. Do I intervene and correct? Or do I just shake my head and chock it up to the fact that testosterone rots the brain?

I just don't get it.

I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going
to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up,
I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to
the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth
and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt
on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. " If I've told you once, I've
told you a million times. Don't exagg erate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this
world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like
your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get
home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when
you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing
your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your
vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll
have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you"

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!!

Cian, aka Bug, had a revision of his circumsion today.  Poor little bug.  He was a total pistol in the waiting room for the 2 hours we sat there, waiting for them to call us back to the pre-op area.  He was a pistol in the pre-op area as well, until they gave him a teeninee dose of something that I wished I had here at home.  He slowly calmed down in the space of 10 minutes.  He was giving me goofy grins, sleepy blinky eyes and sloppy kisses.  The nurses adored him.

They took him from my arms without any protest from him and I went to go chain smoke and text my time away in the hopes that my nerves would quit fraying on me.  An hour and a half later I was allowed back to the recovery to hold my sweetling.

He was irritated as heck but not for the reason you would think.  He HATED that iv line.  I kept him busy between the sippy cup and an ice pop, and since he held fluids and the ice pop down without issue, the nurse was allowed to remove the dreaded iv line.  Even a bandaid didn't console my baby.  He wanted NOTHING on that hand.

They had given him a shot in the tailbone area (coccyx) to numb the general area (something of a saddle block that a woman giving birth can opt for) which lasted about 6 hours.  He couldn't walk when we first got home, so after getting tired of me carrying him around, he began crawling wherever he wanted to go.

He is now walking, running, and attempting his routine escapes out the front door.  He hasn't started climbing the entertainment center yet, but I'm sure he'll have that done before nightfall.

He is not allowed a tub bath for 5 days.  He is not allowed on riding toys for 3 weeks.  He must have A&D ointment applied to the *cough cough* surgical site for 1 month.  The stitches (OWWWW) are self dissolving.  The ... uh ..... surgical site is pretty swollen and red but I am told that should go down in the next few days.

He tolerated his first and hopefully last surgery very well.  What a lil champ I've got!!

Now that I've spit coffee all over myself and my keyboard, cleaned everything up and have sticky keys (ACK!) I can  get around to shouting and screaming out my happy news.

CHASE MADE LEVEL TWO!!!!

What does this mean?  It means that he can be signed out for an overnight visit with his family!  Now, he does have to maintain the level for 3 days before I can arrange for his TCA (outing) but he made it!!  If he DOES lose it, I know that he has it in him to make it back up there.

I'M SO PROUD OF YOU CHASE!!!

EDIT 4 PM:  CHASE LOST HIS LEVEL.  I ALMOST EXPECTED IT.  HE LOST IT TODAY WHEN HE WAS PHYSICALLY AGGRESSIVE AGAINST A STAFF MEMBER.  WHENEVER THAT HAPPENS, THEY LOSE LEVEL ALL THE WAY DOWN TO RED (LOWEST LEVEL).  BUT WHEN I WENT TO VISIT WITH HIM TODAY AND HE TOLD ME, HE MAINTAINED EYE CONTACT AND SEEMED CONFIDENT ENOUGH THAT HE WILL REACH THAT LEVEL AGAIN.  THAT'S A BIG STEP FOR HIM.