A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure . I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"



(you're gonna love this)



(its a real treat)



(a masterpiece)



(wait for it)



The bank manager looks back at her and says...


"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."


(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)


Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!

Have a lovely day!

You Are a Blue Flower

A blue flower tends to represent peace, openness, and balance. At times, you are very delicate like a cornflower. And at other times, you are wise like an iris. And more than you wish, you're a little cold, like a blue hydrangea.

Your Brain is 60% Female, 40% Male

Your brain is a healthy mix of male and female You are both sensitive and savvy Rational and reasonable, you tend to keep level headed But you also tend to wear your heart on your sleeve

Your Bumper Sticker Should Be

Give me ambiguity - or give me something else

 

You Are The Star

You represent the ultimate in truth and purity. Insightful and illuminating, you provide guidance for others. You also demonstrate unselfish, unconditional love. You posses many spiritual gifts, including the ability to heal. Your fortune: Your future is looking brighter by the day. The near future will be a time of both hope and healing. Luck is about to come your way, perhaps the best luck you have ever seen. Life is about to get a lot easier and much better!

Your Linguistic Profile:

50% General American English

20% Yankee

15% Dixie

10% Upper Midwestern

0% Midwestern

You Are A Pine Tree

You love agreeable company, peace, and harmony. Compassionate and friendly, you love to help others. A natural poet, you have a very active imagination. You are very soft on the inside - needing affection and reassurance. You can fall in love deeply, but you will leave if you feel betrayed.

Your Love Number is 6

Who you fall in love with is all about who you trust. Loyalty is important to you, and you want the most faithful of lovers. In return, you never let your heart or eyes wander. Open and honest, your relationships tend to be free of secrets.

You Are a Fortune Cookie

You're a rather normal person, except that you have extraordinary luck in life. People want to be around you (even when they're a little sick of you), in hopes of being lucky too!

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals,
but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations
with a male animal is punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)

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In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's
genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the
examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)

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Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse.
This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased
must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick??)

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The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than "going blind!")

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There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the
countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them
for the privilege of having sex for the first time

Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly
forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere
else in the world that even comes close to this?)

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In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her
adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed i n any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)

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Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England but only
in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)

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In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her
husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must
be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

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In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a
woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass
this law?)

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In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending
machines with one exception: Prophy lactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."

(Is this a great country or what? Well . . . not as great as Guam!)

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Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for this stuff?)

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Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

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The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times
its own weight and always falls over on its right side when
intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of ... ?)
(Did the government pay for this research??)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

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Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)

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And, the best for last:

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(And we thought we had bad breath in the morning!)

I could use some of these.........

 

Somehow I'm just not overly suprised at the outcome of this particular quiz LOLOLOL

 

You're a Horse!
Versatile, powerful, and true, you have quite a reputation for hard work and a certain unbridled spirit. Many look up to you as an example of what people can really become, though somewhere deep down, you admit to feeling a little bit broken. You hate racing, but are still exceptionally good at it. Beware broken legs, dog food, and glue. If your name is Ed, you do a surprising amount of talking.
Take the Animal Quiz at the Blue Pyramid.

 

Kel's Reason for Travelling Back in Time: To be analyzed by Freud Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

You're To Kill a Mockingbird!
by Harper Lee
Perceived as a revolutionary and groundbreaking person, you have changed the minds of many people. While questioning the authority around you, you've also taken a significant amount of flack. But you've had the admirable guts to persevere. There's a weird guy in the neighborhood using dubious means to protect you, but you're pretty sure it's worth it in the end. In the end, it remains unclear to you whether finches and mockingbirds get along in real life.
Take the Book Quiz at the Blue Pyramid.

No matter which direction you start, it’s always the wind against you coming back.

If at first you don’t succeed then skydiving is not for you.

No, I don’t have PMS.  I just really hate you.

Friends help you move.  Real friends help you move the body.

Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.

It is impossible to make anything fool proof because fools are ingenious.

Never share a foxhole with someone braver than you are.

When in doubt, mumble.

Computer lie #1:  You will never use all that disk space.

Ah yes, divorce..., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. -- Robin Williams.

When it comes to thought, some people stop at nothing.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

Does my quiet self-pity get to you or should I move up to incessant nagging?

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first.  By the second day, you're off it. --Jackie Gleason

Never moon a werewolf.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.

Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. -- Emo Phillips

The geek shall inherit the earth.

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. – Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson)

1 - ZERO GRAVITY:  When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered  that ball point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem NASA scientist spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.  The Russians used a pencil. 

Your taxes are due again - enjoy paying them.

2 - OUR CONSTITUTION: They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours?  It was written by a lot of smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore. 

3- TEN COMMANDMENTS: The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse is that you cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal", "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery", and "Thou Shalt Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians!! 

It creates a hostile work environment.

 

Despite the fact that 77 percent of Americans go to the grocery store with a list, it's estimated that half of everything bought there is bought on impulse. Supermarkets report very strong sales of almost anything they stock at the check-out line.

No one seems to know why people blush.

People who laugh a lot are much healthier than those who don't. Dr. Lee Berk at the Loma Linda School of Public Health in California found that laughing lowers levels of stress hormones, and strengthens the immune system. Six-year-olds have it best - they laugh an average of 300 times a day. Adults only laugh 15 to 100 times a day.

The average Human bladder can hold 13 ounces of liquid.

An apple, onion, and potato all have the same taste. The differences in flavor are caused by their smell. To prove this - pinch your nose and take a bite from each. They will all taste sweet.

Native Americans never actually ate turkey; killing such a timid bird was thought to indicate laziness.

In Bavaria, beer isn't considered an alcoholic drink but rather a staple food.

The first man to distill bourbon whiskey in the United States was a Baptist preacher, in 1789.

John Hancock was the only one of fifty signers of the Declaration of Independence who actually signed it on July 4.

When police arrived in Appleton, Wisconsin to remove a woman's children because of a complaint that she had given her 11-year-old daughter a "swirlie" (Holding her head in a flushing toilet). The woman reportedly said, "I haven't had a vacation in 13 years, go ahead and take them!"

Hot water is heavier than cold.

On average, half of all false teeth have some form of radioactivity.

Time slows down near a black hole; inside it stops completely.  (Wow, rather like my bank account!)

The first man-made item to exceed the speed of sound is the bull whip our leather whip. When the whip is snapped, the knotted end makes a "crack" or popping noise. It is actually causing a mini sonic boom as it exceeds the speed of sound.

A bowl of lime Jell-O, when hooked up to an EEG machine, exhibited movement which is virtually identical to the brain waves of a healthy adult man or woman.  (I'v e known some people like this)

Skunks can accurately spray their smelly fluid as far as ten feet.

The lifespan of a squirrel is about nine years. (Except around Cheyne)

A group of twelve or more cows is called a flink.

You can tell the sex of a horse by its teeth. Most males have 40, females have 36.

Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew") .

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew!

Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute!

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."

IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!

And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing!

People Envy Your Compassion

You have a kind heart and an unusual empathy for all living creatures. You tend to absorb others' happiness and pain. People envy your compassion, and more importantly, the connections it helps you build. And compassionate as you are, you feel for them.

AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

ANTIQUE:  An item your grandparents bought, your parents got rid of,  and you're buying again.

BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.

CAR SICKNESS:  The feeling you get when the car payment is due.

DIPLOMAT: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

DUST:  Mud with the juice squeezed out.

ETERNITY: The last two minutes of a football game.

EXPERIENCE : The name men give to their mistakes.

FABLE:  A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.

GROCERY LIST:. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

HANDKERCHIEF:  Cold Storage.

HEARSAY:  What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

MOSQUITO:  An insect that makes you like flies better.

OW:  The first word spoken by children with older siblings.

OYSTER:  A person who sprinkles their conversation with Yiddish expressions.

REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the kitchen.

RUBBERNECK:  What you do to relax your wife.

SKELETON:  A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

SMILE: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

SPOILED ROTTEN: What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with Grandma.

and as a final thought for you today......

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
-- George Carlin