* "Welllllll, what have we here...?"
(He has no idea and is hoping you’ll give him a clue.)

* "Let me check your medical history."
(I want to see if you’ve paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.)

* "Why don’t we make another appointment later in the week."
(I’m playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time or I need the bucks, so I’m charging you for another office visit.)

* "We have some good news and some bad news."
(The good news is, I’m going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you’re going to pay for it.)

* "Let’s see how it develops."
(Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.)

* "Let me schedule you for some tests."
(I have a forty-percent interest in the lab.)

* "I’d like to have my associate look at you."
(He’s going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.)

* "I’d like to prescribe a new drug."
(I’m writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.)

* "If it doesn’t clear up in a week, give me a call."
(I don’t know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.)

* "That’s quite a nasty looking wound."
(I think I’m going to throw up.)

* "This may smart a little."
(Last week two patients bit off their tongues.)

* "Well, we’re not feeling so well today, are we?"
(I’m stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?)

* "This should fix you up."
(The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.)

* "Everything seems to be normal."
(Rats! I guess I can’t buy that new beach condo after all.)

* "I’d like to run some more tests."
(I can’t figure out what’s wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.)

* "Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
(You’re crazier’n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who’ll split fees with me.)

* "There is a lot of that going around."
(My God, that’s the third one this week. I’d better learn something about this.)

* "If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
(I’ve never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I’m off next week.)

You think life is bad...

How would you like to be an egg?

You only get laid once.You only get eaten once.It takes 4 minutes to get hard. Only 2 minutes to get soft. You share your box with 11 other guys. But worst of all...The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother.

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

"You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass.'" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, Hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks
with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young
man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

A woman’s husband comes home hammered every night and she always yells at him before going to bed alone.

One day she decides to try some reverse psychology. When her husband staggers in that night, she’s waiting for him in her best lingerie. She sits him in an armchair and gives him a backrub.

“It’s getting late, big boy,” she says after a few minutes. “Why don’t we go upstairs to bed.”

“We might as well,” slurs the husband. “I’m going to be in trouble when I get home, anyway.”

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