Grandma's letter.

She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.

She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

   The other day I went up to our local Christian book store
and saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker.   I was feeling particularly sassy that daybecause I had just come from a thrilling choir performance,followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

   So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed:   

  I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection,
just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is,
and I didn't notice that the light had changed.     

   It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus!
   While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,and then he leaned out of his window and screamed,

' For the love of God! '

' Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking! 

   I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.  I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
   There must have been a man from Florida back there
because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
   I saw another guy waving in a funny way, with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.  I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.  He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

   Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good  luck sign right back.  My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

   A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters,
grinning,  and drove on through the intersection.
   I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

   So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma

 

  

The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home (Splendido??)  at $7000 per month. 

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.. Now he's 97 years old & we don't know where the hell he is.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
 
I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound.  Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,...... just getting over the hill.

You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story & I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour & by the time I leave, I look just fine.

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift..
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the
gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
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I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started....
************************************************************************
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were

in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started....
************************************************************************
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer
would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started......
*********************************************************************  
 I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first..
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started.....
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 My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping
the channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...

======================================================================

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to
200 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...

====================================================================

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken  man swigging his  drink as 
he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her , 'Do you know him?'

'Yes,'  she sighed, ' He's my old  boyfriend...
I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and
I hear he hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' I said, 'who would think a
person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

===========================================================

I rear-ended a car this morning.. So, there we were
alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know
how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem
funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started...

Seven Kinds Of Sex ....                    The 1st kind of sex is called ... Smurf Sex.  This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face. The 2nd kind of sex is called ... Kitchen Sex.   This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.   The 3rd kind of sex is called ... Bedroom Sex.  This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom..   The 4th kind of sex is called ... Hallway Sex.  This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say .. 'F**k You.' The 5th kind of sex is called ... Religious Sex.  Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)   The 6th kind is called .. Courtroom Sex.  This is when you cannot stand your wife/husband any more. She/he takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.   And . Last ... But not least ....   The 7th kind of sex is called ... Social Security Sex.  You get a little each month.  But not enough to enjoy your self.   PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO TELL ME  WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN.    I have enough problems of my own !!!

  Actual Australian Court Docket 12659---Case of the Pregnant Lady.

 

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her , she immediately moved to another seat.  This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man  seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. 

 The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied "Well your Honour, it  was like this:   When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her  condition.  She sat down under a sign that said "The Double Mint Twins are >coming" and I smiled.  Then she moved and sa t under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment  will reduce the swelling" and I had to grin.  Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick did the Trick" and I could hardly contain myself.  BUT your Honour, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign  that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident" I just lost  it. 

 "CASE DISMISSED"

Mary had a little lamb,

His fleece was white as snow.

And everywhere that Mary went,

The Lamb was sure to go.

He followed her to school each day,

Twasn't  even in the rule.

He made the children laugh and play

To have a lamb at scool

And then the rules all changed one day,

Illegal it became;

To bring the Lamb of God to school,

Or even speak his Name.

Everyday got worse and worse,

And days turned into years

Instead of hearing children laugh,

We heard gun shots and tears.

What must we do to stop thecrime,

That's in our schools today?

Let's let the lamb come back to school,

And teach our kids to pray!

 

 

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned.

 The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.

However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

 After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for verything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?" My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

 

Well now that 2006 is done and gone, I sit reflecting upon the past 12 months. Realizing that I probably could have done a few things different, I take alook at the mistakes made by other people. Suddenly, I don't feel the least bit ignorant anymore!

Presenting the top morons of the year...

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from own his bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked at the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a line-up. When detectives asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellllllooooooo!)

8. THE GRAND FINALE
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft. boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every manoeuvre, no matter how much power was applied.

After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong.

A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out drive went up and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath.

He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE ... Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer

I am a single native Souther California gal. Although I have enjoyed living in many places in my lifteime such as Las Vegas NV, Honolulu,HI, Wichita Falls, TX, and Catalina Island, I always seem to wind up back in California.            I am now recovering from major surgery which was in Oct. 95.  Doctors shaved off a part of my vertabre in my neck area because it was pressing on my spinal cord causing me to trip, stumble, drop things, & becoming partiall y numb in both my hands and legs.      Most of my facitlites have come back but not yet completely.  This has made it very hard on me because it hinders my outgoing nature. But my independent nature won't allow it to beat me up.  So now I find myself spending more and more time with my only child, a 2yr. old Pit Bull named Kolohe. (IT means rascall in Hawaiian).    I'm really grateful to my dad, because of him I have been able to meet all you nice people.  He gave me his old computer.    Thanks for taking time to visit me.