A texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.  There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.  The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."

The conversation has almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.  He says, "And what are those?"

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have grasshoppers in
Texas?"

Little Johnny was 7 years old and like

other boys

his age rather

curious.



He had been hearing quite a bit

about 'making out'

from the older boys, and he wondered

what it was

and how it was done.



One day he took his question to his

mother, who

became rather flustered. Instead of

explaining

things to Johnny, she told him to hide

behind the

curtains one night and watch his older

sister and

her boyfriend.



This he did. The following morning,

Johnny

described EVERYTHING to his mother.



"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for

a while,

then he turned off most of the lights.

Then he

started kissing and hugging her. I

figured 'Sis must

be getting sick, because her face started

looking

funny.



He must have thought so too, because he

put his

hand inside her blouse to feel her heart,

just the

way the doctor would. Except he's not as

smart as

the doctor because he seemed to have

trouble

finding her heart. I guess he was getting

sick too,

because pretty soon both of them started

panting

and getting all out of breath.



His other hand must have been cold

because he

put it under her skirt.



About this time 'Sis got worse and began

to moan

and sigh and squirm around and slide

down

toward

the end of the couch. This was when her

fever

started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis

told him

she felt really hot.



Finally, I found out what was making

them so

sick......-a big eel ;had gotten inside his

pants

somehow. It just jumped out of his pants

and

stood there, about 10 inches long,

honest, anyway

he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from

getting

away.



When Sis saw it, she got really scared-her

eyes

got big, and her mouth fell open, and

she started

calling out to God and stuff like that. She

said it

was the biggest one she's ever seen; I

should tell

her about the ones down at the lake by

our house!



Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the

eel by

biting its head off.The eel spit on her face

a little bit and then, All of a sudden she

grabbed it

with both hands and held it tight while he

took a

muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it

over the

eel's head to keep it from biting again.



Sis lay back and spread her legs so she

could get

a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying

on top

of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a

fight.



Sis started groaning and squealing and

her

boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess

they

wanted to kill the eel by squashing it

between

them.



After a while they both quit moving and

gave a

great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure

enough,

they killed the eel. I knew because it just

hung

there, limp, and some of its insides were

hanging

out.



Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired

from the

battle, but they went back to courting

anyway. He

started hugging and kissing her again. By

golly,

the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up

and

started to fight again.



I guess eels are like cats- they have nine

lives or

something. This time, Sis jumped up and

tried to

kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35

minute

struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew

it was

dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel

its skin

off and flush it down the toilet.
 

Advantages Of Being A Woman
Why it's better to be a Woman!

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.

7. Taxis stop for us.

8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).

11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.

12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.

13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.

18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.

21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.

25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.

26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.

28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.

30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions

You are gone.

You are at rest. But were still here.

Trying to do our best.

Holding on to memories you left us with.

Trying not to cry when we think of this.

Meeting you was the very best of times loosing you is the worst that could of happend.

And even thought I try hard not to cry. When I remember you my eyes start pouring like rain coming down the sky. Every body misses you and every body will. But you know what?

This was god's will. So lets accept what's has happen. Cause there is no turning back. Lets just hope that we all go to the same place that he has.

i'll never forget you daddy.

20 Responses to Telemarketers

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .

20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.

NOTICE: The above have all been tested and approved for use on telemarketers. No animals were harmed in the testing

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8 When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

things i've learnt off my cat.

 

---

 

Make the world your playground. Whenever you miss the sandbox, cover it up. Dragging a sock over it helps. If you can't get your way, lay acros   When you are hungry, meow loudly so they feed you just to shut you up. Always find a good patch of sun to nap in. Nap often. When in trouble, just purr and look cute. Life is hard, and then you nap. Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few hours. Variety is the spice of life. One day, ignore people; the next day, annoy them, and play with them when they're busy. Climb your way to the top, that's why the curtains are there. Make your mark in the world, or at least spray in each corner. Always give generously; a bird or rodent left on the bed tells them, "I care". s the keyboard till you do.

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sitting on the lounge with brett watching tv.

watching the rain fall against the window. hearing the sound it makes against the class

talking the the greatest girl:  naomi.

the best girl in the world is a girl that is caring, kind, makes me laugh, makes me cry and wanna hug her til she turns blue in the face.  this girl must have special traits. like knowing what i am going to say before i say them.  i hope you have guessed who you are.

love you naomi