A local business  was looking for office help.
They  put a sign in the window saying "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type,
must be good  with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal
Opportunity Employer."

A short time  afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and
went inside. He  looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then
walked over to the sign,  looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the
receptionist got the office  manager.

The office  manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least.
However, the dog  looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside,
the dog jumped up on  the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager  said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to
type." The dog  jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type
out a perfect letter.  He took out the page and trotted over to the manager
and gave it to him, then  jumped back on the chair.

The manager was  stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to
be good with a  computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the
computer. The dog proceeded  to demonstrate his expertise with various
programs and produced a sample  spreadsheet and database and presented them
to the manager. By this time the  manager was totally dumbfounded!

He looked at the  dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent
dog and have some  interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you
the job." The dog jumped  down and went to a copy of the sign and put his
paw on the part about being an  Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager  said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be
bilingual." The dog  looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver
won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies,
"I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as
I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and
hear just about everything. I'm sure that there is nothing you could
say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:

Number one, you have to be single and number two, you must be
Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and I'm
Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says, "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker
blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me, but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married
and I'm Methodist."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a
Halloween party." !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nymphomaniac Convention 
 
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. 
As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the 
most beautiful woman boarding the plane. 
 
He soon realized she was heading straight 
towards his seat. As fate would have it, she 
took the seat right beside his. 
 
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted 
out, "Business trip or pleasure?" 
 
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm 
going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America 
Convention in Boston ." 

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman 
he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was 
going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. 
 
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly 
asked, "What's your business role at this 
convention?" 
 
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information 
that I have learned from my personal experiences to 
debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." 
 
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are 
there?" 
 
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that 
African-American men are the most well-endowed of 
all men, when in fact it is the Native American 
Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. 
 
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best 
lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who 
are the best. 
 
I have also discovered that the lover with 
absolutely the best stamina is the Southern 
Redneck." 
 
Suddenly the woman became a little 
uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," 
she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing 
all of this with you. I don't even know your 
name." 
 
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my 
friends call me Bubba." 

You Are Midnight

You are more than a little eccentric, and you're apt to keep very unusual habits. Whether you're a nightowl, living in a commune, or taking a vow of silence - you like to experiment with your lifestyle. Expressing your individuality is important to you, and you often lie awake in bed thinking about the world and your place in it. You enjoy staying home, but that doesn't mean you're a hermit. You also appreciate quality time with family and close friends.

You're Totally Sarcastic

You sarcastic? Never! You're as sweet as a baby bunny. Seriously, though, you have a sharp tongue - and you aren't afraid to use it. And if people are too wimpy to deal with your attitutde, then too bad. So sad.

Today is my 16th wedding anniversary and my sis sent this joke in my e.mail this morning so i thought i'd share it with you ..........Don't know if she's trying to tell me something LOL

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway
for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat".

The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She
opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday !!!!!!!!!

Your Brain is 67% Female, 33% Male

Your brain leans female You think with your heart, not your head Sweet and considerate, you are a giver But you're tough enough not to let anyone take advantage of you!

Your Inner Child Is Sad

You're a very sensitive soul. You haven't grown that thick skin that most adults have. Easily hurt, you tend to retreat to your comfort zone. You don't let many people in - unless you've trusted them for a long time.

The patient was lying in bed, still groggy from the effects of the recent operation. His doctor came in, looking very glum.

"I can't be sure what's wrong with you," the doctor said. "I think it's the drinking."

"Okay," the patient said. "Can we get an opinion from a doctor who's sober?"

An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her\ husband's sex drive.

"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.

"Not a chance", says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."

"No problem," replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on."

A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went.

"Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor."

"What happened?" asks the doctor.

"Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his morning coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible!"

"What was terrible?" said the doctor, "Was the sex not good?"

"Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again!"

 

You Should Be a Poet

You have a way with words... and a talent for drawing the pure emotions out of experiences. Your poetry has the potential to make people laugh and cry at the same time. You just need to write it!

Your Mood Ring is Yellow

Imaginative Wondering Thoughts Peaceful