Dear rubber pig,

I know I've written to you as part of my "office toy conglomerate" already. But today, I wanted to single you out and remind you to mind your bidness.

See, you -- as you know -- are propped up against a picture frame holding a photo of my lovely wife Lauren. But sometimes, it almost looks as if you're hugging her.  I can't say I blame you -- she's quite huggable.

But it can look shady.

And those eyes!  Those black, painted-on eyes!  You sure are looking up adoringly at her charming visage.

So I'm gonna say this, and I'm gonna say this just once:

NO FUNNY BUSINESS.

Thank you.