Billy Ocean is white.

This may come as news to you if you're familiar with the tune "Get Into My Car," but have never seen the singer.  His sultry, dulcet baritone just doesn't sound white.  At all.

My lovely wife Lauren and I have often thought that "Get Into My Car" could, in theory, be performed quite well by Brian Fellows, a character of Tracy Morgan's on Saturday Night Live.

"Hey! You! Get into my car! I'm Brian Fellows!"

That's funny, if you know both the song and the skit.

Today, we're going to analyze some fo the lyrics to "Get Into My Car."  As deuce can attest to, Lauren and I do a great rendition of this song, especially when the DJ plays it at a friend's wedding.

Hey! You! Get into my car!
Who me?
Yes you! Get into my car!
Woooooooooh. Wah! Hey!

As soon as the conversational intro of this song is underway, you know you're in for pure musical poetry.  I mean, Wow.  Billy Ocean, you had me at "Woooooooh. Wah! Hey!"

Who's that lady
Coming down the road
Who's that lady
Who's that woman
Walking through my door
What's the score

Okay, Billy.  You've lost me.  Ironicaly, you lost me at "Woooooo. Wah! Hey!"

See, you don't know who the woman is, yet we all know that in just a few lines you're going to beg -- no, plead -- no, order this complete stranger to get into your car. That's just bad form.  Buy the girl a drink first, kid.

And what door did she walk through?  You're going to ask her to get into your car, right?  So it can't be the car door.  And it can't be your house's door, because who tells a woman who's already in his own house to get into his car instead?  No one, that's who.

And then -- "What's the score?"  Are you driving around during the big game?  Or -- and I think this is considerably more likely -- are you looking for a cheap, easy rhyme?  Billy, you can do better.

I'll be the sun
Shining on you
Hey Cinderella
Step in your shoe

I will now improvise while typing, using your same meter, to see if I too can match metaphor and literary allusion in such a concise rhyme:

I'll be a truck
On deisel fuel
Hey Sleeping Beauty,
I'm watching you drool

Done and done.

I'll be your non-stop lover
Get it while you can

This, to me, seems contradictory.  Billy, if you are my non-stop lover, there's no rush for me to "get it while (I) can."  It's non-stop.  You are always my lover.  I can take my sweet little time.  You've made that abundantly clear -- and possible -- via the whole "non-stop" thing.  So, calm down.  I'm young.

Your non-stop miracle
I'm your man

You are free to be my non-stop lover.  And okay, my non-stop miracle too.  But you can't be my "non-stop humble guy," because you're too busy moonlighting as my "non-stop exhibitor of braggadocio."  But that's cool.

Get outta my dreams
Get into my car
Get outta my dream
(Get in the back seat baby)
Get into my car
Beep Beep, yeah
Get outta my mind
Get into my life
Ooooooh
Oh I said hey (Hey) you (You)
Get into my car

I have tried this pickup line at least two hundred times, with no success.  I always make the "Get in the back seat baby" section as passionate as possible, too.  Oh well.

Oh baby
Lady driver
Let me take your wheel
Smooth operator
Touch my bumper (Bumper)
Hey, let's make a deal

I believe we've revisited metaphor in this verse.  And let me just say, I don't know what "wheel" stands in for, and I hope to God I'm wrong about what you're using "bumper" to represent, but let me see if I too can write some lyrics with car parts as metaphors for body parts:

Oh baby
Lady driver
Your muffler's so good
Smooth operator
Look under my hood (My hood)
Hey, I knew you would.

Back to you, Billy.

Make it real
Like a road runner
Coming after you
Just like a hero
Outta the blue

So long, metaphor! We've entered the world of simile.  And boy are we glad to be here.  "Like a road runner coming after you," so please, Wile E Coyote, don't try to drop an anvil on me that backfires and then lands on you yourself instead.  Metaphorically speaking.

The song pretty much repeats for the remainder of the ditty...  With one addition below:

I'll be your non-stop lover
Get it while you can
Your non-stop miracle
I'm your man
Get outta my dreams
Get into my car
Get outta my dreams
Get in the back seat baby
Get into my car
Beep beep, yeah
Get outta my mind
Get into my life
Ooooh
Oh I said hey (Hey) you (You)
Get into my car

Oh baby, lets go!

I said open the door
(Get in the back)
Tread on the floor
(Get on the track)

I mean, c'mon Billy.  You want the chick in your car, but you insist she's gotta take the backseat.  Now you're telling her how to use the floor?  What's a girl got to do to get some respect with you?

Redeem yourself, Mr. Ocean.  Wow me with your lyrical prowress:

Yeah (Yeah) yeah (Yeah)
Yeah (Yeah) yeah (Yeah)

Let's go!!

Oooh, wooow, yeah

Well-played.

I'll be the sun
Shining on you
Hey Cinderella
Step in your shoe
I'll be your non-stop lover
Get it while you can
Your non-stop miracle
I'm your man

Get outta my... get outta my...
Woooooooooh (KEY-CHANGE!)
Get out my dreams

Repeat chorus 5,000,000 times.