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I Found This & Thought I would Share It's about Autism It's for my Jack
Nov 30, 2008 | 12:35PM

THE MISUNDERSTOOD CHILD

I am the child that looks healthy and fine. I was born with ten fingers and toes. But something is different, somewhere in my mind.

And what it is, nobody knows. I am the child that struggles in school, Though they say that I'm perfectly smart. They tell me I'm lazy - can learn if I try - But I don't seem to know where to start.

I am the child that won't wear the clothes Which hurt me or bother my feet. I dread sudden noises, can't handle most smells, And tastes - there are few foods I'll eat.

I am the child that can't catch the ball And runs with an awkward gait. I am the one chosen last on the team And I cringe as I stand there and wait

. I am the child with whom no one will play with The one that gets bullied and teased. I try to fit in and I want to be liked, But nothing I do seems to please.

I am the child that tantrums and freaks Over things that seem petty and trite. You'll never know how I panic inside, When I'm lost in my anger and fright.

I am the child that fidgets and squirms Though I'm told to sit still and be good Do you think that I choose to be out of control? Don't you know that I would if I could?

I am the child with the broken heart Though I act like I don't really care. Perhaps there's a reason God made me this way - Some message he sent me to share.

For I am the child that needs to be loved And accepted and valued too. I am the child that is misunderstood, I am different - but look just like you.

Kathy Winters/2003

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Beer Labels
Apr 29, 2008 | 1:26PM

*Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:*
	WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
	WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
	WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
	WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to strangle you.
	WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
	WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that your ex is really dying for you to call them at 4:00 in the morning.
	WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause serious rug burns on the forehead and chin area.
	WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really big guy named Bubba.
	WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
	WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause a flux in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to disappear.
	WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may result in pregnancy.
	WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the heck happened to your pants.

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Some questions
Feb 26, 2008 | 3:26PM

1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get
undressed?

2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down
to the core of the earth?

3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your
arse?

5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you
do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?

6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

7. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

8. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
centuries' have a 'use by' date?

9. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?

10. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

11. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

12. What do people in China call their good plates?

13. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time,
but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

14. What do you call male ballerinas?

15. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

16. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

17. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

18. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

19. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

20. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?!

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Universal Truths
Feb 26, 2008 | 3:22PM



	Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones. At the end of every party there is always a girl crying. One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger. You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps. Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator. Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly. You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden. Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl. You never know where to look when eating a banana. Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat. Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly. Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball. Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school. The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad. The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity. Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush. Old women with mobile (cell) phones look wrong. Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee. Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited. You never ever run out of salt. Old ladies can eat more than you think. You can't respect a man who carries a dog. There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something. No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers. Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan. The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug. People who don't drive slam car doors too hard. You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with. Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose. In every plate of chips there is a bad chip. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad

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Shamrock
Feb 26, 2008 | 5:45AM

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Try this before Google catch on
May 10, 2007 | 11:27AM

1.go to www.google.com
2.click on maps
3.click on get directions
4.go from "new York" to "Manchester,England"
5.scroll down in the directions to number 24
6.laugh or if you are really brave try it
________________________________

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Wierd But True
Jan 25, 2007 | 4:42PM

*Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.

*Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

*The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.

*No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.

*Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

*The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.

*Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

*Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the
morning.

*The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.

*Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

*The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.

*Pearls melt in vinegar.

*The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro,Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

*It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.

*A duck's quack doesn't echo and no one knows why.

*Turtles can breathe through their butts.

*On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.

*Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

*Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

*It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.

*The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

*A snail can sleep for three years.

*No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."

*Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. SCARY!!!

*All polar bears are left handed.

*A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

*Almost everyone who reads this will try to lick their elbow.

*Don't forget to pass these weird facts on to everyone you know.

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Zen Sarcasm
Jan 17, 2007 | 8:13AM

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the
hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt.

3. It's always darkest just before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That

way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it
back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

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How to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity
Jul 29, 2006 | 6:49AM

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for smuggling diamonds".

7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy".

8. Don't use any punctuation.

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat - with a serious face.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day at work.

14. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom.

17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "run for your lives, they're loose!!"

19. Tell your children over dinner "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

20. And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity . . . tell this to someone to make them smile. Its called therapy

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To get you through Saint patricks day
Mar 15, 2006 | 10:05AM

Colour guide:
Irish translation
[how it's pronounced]

Happy St Patrick's Day Beannachtaí na Féile Pádraig duit
[Ban ack tee na fayla Pawd-rig ditch]

Kiss me, I'm Irish! Is Éireannach mé, ‘dom póg!
[Is Air- an- ack may, do pogue]

I'm Irish, are you? Is Éireannach mé, carb as duit féin?
[Is air-an- ack may, carr-ab ass ditch hane?]

The night is still young! Níl an oíche ach ina tachran!
[Knee-ill an ee-ha ack inna tach-rann]

Will you come back for a night cap!? Beidh deoch deireannach agat sula dtéann tú a luí?
[Bay juchk jer-ann-ach agat sulla jay-ann too a lee]

Sure you'll have one for the road! Ná himigh go n-ólaimid deoch an dorais!
[Na himie gu knowl-am-widge juchk an dor-ish]

Irish eyes are smiling Is minic aoibh a ghaire ar Éireannaigh
[Isss min-ic eave a guy-ra air Air-an-ee]

Mine's a pint Beidh pionta agamsa le do thoil!
[Bay pin-ta agam- sa le do hill]

Do you have Irish roots? An bhfuil duine ar bith muinteartha duit atá ina Éireannach?
[An will din- ye ar bee mwin-char-tha ditch ata ina Air-ean-ach]

How are you doin'?! Cad é mar atá tú?
[Cad jay mar ata too?]

Do you come here often? An dtig tú anseo go minic?
[An jig too an-shaw gu minn-ic?]

Get your coat, you've pulled! Imigh is faigh do chóta gasta, bhréag tú mé
[Im-ee iss fwy do hoe-ta gasta , vreg too may!]

Did I tell you that I'm Bono's cousin! An bhfuil a fhios agat gur colcheathrar dom é Bono?
[An will iss agat gur cul- hee-ath-rar do ay Bono?]

It's your round! Tá babhta deochanna agat orainn!
[Ta bow-ta juchk-anna agat oreene ]

It can't be my round, I'm Scottish! Tá dul amú ort, is Albanach mé!
[Ta dul amoo ort, iss Alab-anac may!)

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