Well, as you can see it has been awhile since i have blogged. Alot of things have happened! I am still with my fiance Zac Bohall. We've been together for abt 4 yrs. We finally moved out of his mother's and into an apartment. However his mom moved into her own apartment. We still visit like every day.

Zac and i found out in January (two weeks before my 21st birthday) that we were expecting. I was almost 4 months when i miscarried. It has been rough. Mainly for me because i had to go through surgery, and the fact that it was our first pregnancy. I am doing better now. But whenever i hear a baby cry or laugh, it get's to me. I know that god will bless me again someday. That's all i need.

I blamed god, i even hated him for what he did. When i was 16 i was told that i would never beable to have kids. A part of me died that day. And then when i found out i was pregnant that part of me that died when i was 16 came back to life. I was so happy. Even though i started praying and reading the bible before i found out, I trusted God.

When the doctor told me what was happening i couldn't cry...even when they searched for the heartbeat for over and hour...i still couldn't cry. I couldn't cry after the surgery, all i could do was tear up...not ball my eyes out like i wanted to.I felt like my world shattered at my feet. After i healed, i cried, i stayed in bed for days at a time, wouldn't eat...just lay there crying. Zac had already mourned. When i glanced at the crib that i wouldn't allow myself to look at for a whole month afterward...he held me and cried with me. The next day we removed it from our apartment and put it at his moms.

3 months have passed, and i've just started praying again.

If you've seen the movie Marly and Me, the way that Jennifer Anistan took the news, straight faced...thats how i was...

My world is slowly fixing itself one piece, one day at a time. I smile more and laugh more, but there's still the emptyness feeling that i can not seem to fill. I wonder if it would ever be filled.

Some of you reading this may wonder why i am putting my private life out there for all to see. I'm doing it because it helps me to write about it. To hear other's that have been through what i have. And for anyone that goes through it in the future!

I'm always here to talk abt this with anyone who needs help!

Thank you for reading!

When that day comes

I'll take your hand

And become your friend

When that day comes

I'll be there at your door

Waiting for you to come out and play

When that day comes

I'll help you pack

So you can come stay the night

When that day comes

And were heading apart

I'll be there, only in your heart

When that day comes

And we meet again

I'll still be there, lending a hand

By: Louise Marie

You wanna know why

I act the way I do

Ask yourself and don't lie

Would you act like this too

You act like you hate the world

Like it's an enemy

When I love the world

I'm your enemy

Let the truth be told

I hate you

I know it sounds cold

But it's true

I wished you would leave

Pack up your crap

Just get out please

And don't forget your map

I want you gone

Don't worry bout me

It won't be long

Till you finally see

The way I feel about you

I don't like you

Here it is plain as blue

I [censored]ing hate you

By: Louise Marie

Carry me with you

On your first day of class

When you're just having fun

And the time goes by fast

Carry me with you

When high school you must start

When you feel all alone

Like you're so far apart

Carry me with you

On your graduation day

When you feel a burst of success

At the end of May

Carry me with you

When you move to a new place

Straight into college

A new school you must face

Carry me with you

When you meet someone new

You feel so special

Like it is to good to be true

Carry me with you

When your fitting for your dress

Saying your vows

Preparing for the best

Carry me with you

When you have your first child

When the first days are rough

And you look back and smile

Carry me with you

Through your triumphs and fears

Through thick and thin

Through the rest of your years

I know I may be gone

It's hard, but it's true

Always remember one thing

You can carry me with you

By:  Louise Marie

Proved you wrong

You told me I couldn't love

But I proved you wrong

You said I would never amount to anything

But I proved you wrong

You said we'd never be friends

But I proved you wrong

You said you'd never love me

But I proved you wrong

Image...It doesn't matter

I look in the mirror

Thinking I look okay.

Wondering why people care

About what others have to say.

When people tear you down

You try to build yourself back up.

But all these negative comments

Are like an over flowing cup.

People say your ugly

Almost all the time.

And it doesn't matter anymore

When someone says your fine.

What ever happened to personalities

or someone saying your swell.

I guess it went out the window,

It all shot to Hell.

Now its about image

And the way you do your hair.

I guess I'm here to tell you

that that isn't fair.

When you grow older

Head off to a different school.

Its not gonna matter

If you were a nerd or if you were cool.

Whats gonna matter

Are the traits that you posses.

The gratitude you have

And the sins that you confess.

It doesn't matter if you play in band

Or if you like to read books.

And guys are being jerks

If they pick girls based on their looks.

I'm here to tell you that their wrong.

Please hear the words that I write.

I'm here to tell judging by looks

Is never, ever right.

Cherish

Is life suppose to be like this?

Is it ever gonna change?

How will I know if this is the right path?

Should I take a step back?

I can't tell whats right or wrong anymore.

And if I could, I'd have to say

That two people like us

Need to change every now and then.

We aren't suppose to be together

But yet we are.

I need to be proud of something.

Cause being here in your arms

Is were I feel safe.

Questions run through my head

Making me crazy.

But when I think about it

Its alot easier to say,

That having these feelings

Are good in some ways.

But these feelings for you

Have got to change

One way or another.

I'll always feel for you.

But not the way you want me too.

I'm not gonna love you anymore.

Cause I love someone new.

God told me he was the one.

I prayed for it to be you.

But yet he told me you were to be a friend,

One I could love no matter what.

One that would be there

As tho a friend was lending a hand.

I'll keep memories,

But I won't speak of them.

Some secrets are meant to be told.

Others you should keep deep within the heart.

Thats where I'll cherish

You for a start.

It has been way to long.  i have recently graduated highschool, and i will soon be going to college.  i am so happy. but at times i feel like theres a black cloud following me. hopefully i will be able to make it out ok....hopefully!

I hope you all had a happy and merry christmas and a great new year.....as for me i had the greatest time this past year.  I am glad it's january....my birthday is in 21 days!!!!