Well, as you can see it has been awhile since i have blogged. Alot of things have happened! I am still with my fiance Zac Bohall. We've been together for abt 4 yrs. We finally moved out of his mother's and into an apartment. However his mom moved into her own apartment. We still visit like every day.

Zac and i found out in January (two weeks before my 21st birthday) that we were expecting. I was almost 4 months when i miscarried. It has been rough. Mainly for me because i had to go through surgery, and the fact that it was our first pregnancy. I am doing better now. But whenever i hear a baby cry or laugh, it get's to me. I know that god will bless me again someday. That's all i need.

I blamed god, i even hated him for what he did. When i was 16 i was told that i would never beable to have kids. A part of me died that day. And then when i found out i was pregnant that part of me that died when i was 16 came back to life. I was so happy. Even though i started praying and reading the bible before i found out, I trusted God.

When the doctor told me what was happening i couldn't cry...even when they searched for the heartbeat for over and hour...i still couldn't cry. I couldn't cry after the surgery, all i could do was tear up...not ball my eyes out like i wanted to.I felt like my world shattered at my feet. After i healed, i cried, i stayed in bed for days at a time, wouldn't eat...just lay there crying. Zac had already mourned. When i glanced at the crib that i wouldn't allow myself to look at for a whole month afterward...he held me and cried with me. The next day we removed it from our apartment and put it at his moms.

3 months have passed, and i've just started praying again.

If you've seen the movie Marly and Me, the way that Jennifer Anistan took the news, straight faced...thats how i was...

My world is slowly fixing itself one piece, one day at a time. I smile more and laugh more, but there's still the emptyness feeling that i can not seem to fill. I wonder if it would ever be filled.

Some of you reading this may wonder why i am putting my private life out there for all to see. I'm doing it because it helps me to write about it. To hear other's that have been through what i have. And for anyone that goes through it in the future!

I'm always here to talk abt this with anyone who needs help!

Thank you for reading!