The "Middle Wife"

by

                 an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

>> I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids  myself, but  the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

>> When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few  sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show- and-tell
 is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes,  pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk  
about it, they're welcome.

>> Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

 She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and  I'm going to tell you about his birthday."

 " First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's  stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."

 She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching  her in amazement.

 "Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going,   'Oh, Oh, Oh,

 Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)
>>
 "My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down  in bed
 like this." (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)
>>
"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water
 flowing away. It was too much!)

 "Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.
They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden,
out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all  said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of  toys inside there."
>>
>> Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day,
 I bring my camcorder, just in case another "Middle Wife" comes along.
>>

>> Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to make someone happy!

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, no body wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."

"WHAT?" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"

"Yes.  Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over..."

Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

<~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~>

If this doesn't make you laugh, you're having a really bad day!

Two Little Boys

After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets
and alleys, a young mother watched
her two little boys playing in the puddle
 through her kitchen window.
The older of the two, a five year old lad,
 grabbed his sibling by the back of his head
and shoved his face into the water hole.
As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping,
the mother runs to the yard in a panic. '
 Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?
!' she asks as she shook the older boy in anger.
 'We were just playing 'church' mommy,
' he said. 'And I was just baptizing him....
.in the name of the Father, the Son and in...
the hole-he-goes.'

GUARANTEED TO MAKE YOU SMILE... ESPECIALLY SINCE IT'S A TRUE STORY.
ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL
ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON. HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WAS TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.

BUT JUST BEFORE HE REENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK

"GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY"

MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGH IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT. HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS.

OVER THE YEARS MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE "GOOD
LUCK, MR. GORSKY" STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.

ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY , FLORIDA , WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO ARMSTRONG. THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED. MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD ANSWER THE QUESTION.

IN 1938 WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MIDWEST TOWN , HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THE BEDROOM WINDOWS. HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY. AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS.GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY. "SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"

 > As a young minister in Kentucky , I was asked by a funeral
> director to hold a graveside service for a homeless man, who had
> no family or friends.
>
> The funeral was to be held at a new cemetery, way back in
> the country, and this man would be the first to be buried there. I
> was not familiar with the backwoods area, and I soon became lost.
> Being a typical man, I did not stop to ask for directions. I finally
> arrived an hour late.
>
> I saw the backhoe and the open grave, but the hearse was
> nowhere in sight I felt badly that I had missed the mourners,
> but decided to go ahead with the service. The digging crew was
> still eating lunch, so I apologized to the workers for my tardiness,
> and I stepped to the side of the open grave. There I saw the vault
> lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them
> up for long, as I told them that this was the proper thing to do.
>
> The workers gathered around the grave and stood silently,
> as I began to pour out my heart and soul. As I preached about
> "looking forward to a brighter tomorrow" and "the glory to come",
> the workers joined in with "Amen", "Praise the Lord", and "Glory!"
> The fervor of these men truly inspired me. So, I preached and I
> preached ...all the way from Genesis to Revelation.
>
> I finally closed the lengthy service with a prayer, thanked the
> men, and walked to my car. As I was opening the door and taking off
> my coat, I heard one of the workers say to another, "I ain't NEVER
> seen nothin' like that before, and I've been puttin' in septic tanks for
> thirty years!"

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
 
 

 
 



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Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they  just stale bread to begin with?
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If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? ?
 

 
 


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What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of  bald men?
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Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?

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If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?


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Whatever happened to Preparations A through G? 
  
 
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As income tax time  approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together, it spells
"THEIRS"?