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A Dog Named Mace.
Sep 04, 2008 | 9:06AM
A Dog Named Mace There was once a handyman who had a dog named Mace. Mace was a great dog except he had one weird habit: he liked to eat grass -- not just a little bit, but in quantities that would make a lawnmower blush. And nothing, it seemed, could cure him of it. One day, the handyman lost his wrench in the tall grass while he was working outside. He looked and looked, but it was nowhere to be found. As it was getting dark, he gave up for the night and decided to look the next morning. When he awoke, he went outside and saw that his dog had eaten all the grass in the area, around where he had been working, and his wrench now lay in plain sight, glinting in the sun. Going out to get his wrench, he called the dog over to him and said, "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me."
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Double Martinis & Fertility!
Feb 12, 2008 | 10:05AM
Double Martinis & Fertility!
While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."
"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.
"What are you celebrating?" he asked.
"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass.
"As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile." "How did it happen?"
"I switched cocks."
"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.
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Turner Brown
Jan 27, 2008 | 11:19AM
A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down, and says: 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound balls, Turner Brown." The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says: "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?" The big dude says: "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds; I have a 20 inch dick, my balls weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown. The small guy says: "Turner Brown?? Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around."
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The fire fighter
Jan 21, 2008 | 12:07AM
The fire fighter is working on the engine outside the fire station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck" he said with admiration.
"Thanks" the little girl said. The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner", the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar instead of it's testicles, I think it could run faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully,
"You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.
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joke
Jan 10, 2008 | 4:06PM
A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.
He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.
After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.
When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.
When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"
"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.
"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.
"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up."
The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked."
"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.
After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.
As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.
"Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?"
"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in."
"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog."
"There should be a bowl by the pump."
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.
The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.
When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.
"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.
"This is Heaven," he answered.
"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."
"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell."
"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"
"No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind."
Soooo...
Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word.
Maybe this will explain.
When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward jokes.
When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes.
When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you forward jokes.
Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get?
A forwarded joke.
So, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.
You are all welcome @ my water bowl anytime
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SPECIAL POEM FOR OLDER FOLKS
Jan 04, 2008 | 1:40PM
SPECIAL POEM FOR OLDER FOLKS
A row of bottles on my shelf
Caused me to analyze myself.
One yellow pill I have to pop
Goes to my heart so it won't stop.
A little white one that I take
Goes to my hands so they won't shake.
The blue ones that I use a lot
Tell me I'm happy when I'm not.
The purple pill goes to my brain
And tells me that I have no pain.
The capsules tell me not to wheeze
Or cough or choke or even sneeze.
The red ones, smallest of them all
Go to my blood so I won't fall.
The orange ones, very big and bright
Prevent my leg cramps in the night
Such an array of brilliant pills
Helping to cure all kinds of ills.
But what I'd really like to know...........
Is what tells each one where to go!
There's always a lot to be thankful for if
you take time to look for it. For example
I am sitting here thinking how nice it is
that wrinkles don't hurt...
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Merry Christmas
Dec 24, 2007 | 6:24PM
| Merry Christmas |
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My Special List ..........
I have a list of folks I know...
all written in a book,
And every now and then..
I go and take a look.
That is when I realize
these names... they are a part,
not of the book they're written in...
but taken from the heart.
For each Name stands for someone...
who has crossed my path sometime,
and in that meeting they have become...
the reason and the rhyme.
Although it sounds fantastic...
for me to make this claim,
I really am composed...
of each remembered name.
Although you're not aware...
of any special link,
just knowing you, has shaped my life...
more than you could think.
So please don't think my greeting...
as just a mere routine,
your name was not...
forgotten in between.
For when I send a greeting...
that is addressed to you,
it is because you're on the list...
of folks I'm indebted to.
So whether I have known you...
for many days or few,
in some ways you have a part...
in shaping things I do.
I am but a total..
of many folks I've met,
you are a friend I would prefer...
never to forget.
Thank you for being my friend !!! |
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Little Carol
Dec 14, 2007 | 1:51PM
Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner. Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her mother what she wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."
Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Carol's mother asked her if she thought she deserved to get a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought she did.
Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up th e steps to her room and sat down to write God a letter.
LETTER 1:
Dear God:
I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my
Birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Carol
Carol knew this wasn't true. She had not been a very good girl this year, so
She tore up the letter and started over.
LETTER 2:
Dear God:
This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this year, and I
Would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Carol
Carol knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and started again.
LETTER 3:
Dear God:
I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be a
Good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Carol
Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a bike. By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her mother she wanted to go to church. Carol's mother thought her plan had worked because Carol looked very sad.
"Just be home in time for dinner," her mother said.
Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She looked
Around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the street, into her house, and up to her room. She shut the door and sat down and wrote her letter to God.
LETTER 4:
I GOT YOUR MAMA.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO
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IF I KNEW
Nov 16, 2007 | 8:11PM
If I knew it would be the last time
That I'd see you fall asleep,
I would tuck you in more tightly
and pray the Lord, your soul to keep.
If I knew it would the last time
that I see you walk out the door,
I would give you a hug and kiss
and call you back for one more
If I knew it would be the last time
I'd hear your voice lifted up in praise,
I would video tape each action and word,
so I could play them back day after day.
If I knew it would be the last time,
I could spare an extra minute,
to stop and say "I love you,"
instead of assuming you would KNOW I do.
If I knew it would be the last time ,
I would be there to share your day,
Well I'm sure you'll have so many more,
so I can let just this one slip away.
For surely there's always tomorrow,
to make up for an oversight,
and we always get a second chance
to make everything just right.
There will always be another day
to say "I love you,"
And certainly there's another chance
to say our "Anything I can do?"
But just in case I might be wrong,
and today is all I get,
I'd like to say how much I love you
and I hope we never forget.
Tomorrow is not promised to anyone,
young or old alike,
And today may be the last chance
you get to hold your loved one tight.
So if you're waiting for tomorrow,
why not do it today?
For if tomorrow never comes,
you'll surely regret the day,
That you didn't take that extra time
for a smile, a hug, or a kiss
and you were too busy to grant someone,
what turned out to be their one last wish.
Hold your loved ones close today,
and whisper in their ear,
Tell them how much you love them
and that you'll always hold them dear
Take time to say "I'm sorry,"
"Please forgive me," "Thank you," or "It's okay."
And if tomorrow never comes,
you'll have no regrets about today.
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Puppys For Sale
May 24, 2006 | 2:05AM
A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell. He painted a sign
>advertising the four pups and set about nailing it to a post on the edge >of his yard. As he was driving the last nail into the post, he felt a >tug on his overalls. He looked down into the eyes of a little boy. > >"Mister," he said, "I want to buy one of your puppies." > >"Well," said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat off the back of his >neck, "These puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of >money." > >The boy dropped his head for a moment. Then reaching deep into his >pocket, he pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the farmer. > >"I've got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take a look?" > >"Sure," said the farmer, and with that he let out a whistle. > >"Here, Dolly!" he called. > >Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran Dolly followed by four >little balls of fur. The little boy pressed his face against the chain
>link fence, his eyes danced with delight. As the dogs made their way
to
>the fence, the little boy noticed something else stirring inside the
>doghouse.
>
>Slowly another little ball appeared, this one noticeably smaller. Down
>the ramp it slid, then in a somewhat awkward manner, the little pup
>began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up....
>
>"I want that one," the little boy said, pointing to the runt.
>
>The farmer knelt down at the boy's side and said, "Son, you don't want
>that puppy. He will never be able to run and play with you like these
>other dogs would."
>
>With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and
>began rolling up one leg of his trousers. In doing so he revealed a
>steel brace running down both sides of his leg attaching itself to a
>specially made shoe.
>
>Looking back up at the farmer, he said, "You see sir, I don't run too
>well myself, and he will need someone who understands."
>With tears in his eyes, the farmer reached down and picked up the
little
>pup. Holding it carefully he handed it to the little boy.
>
>"How much?" asked the little boy.
>
>"No charge," answered the farmer, "There's no charge for love."
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See all posts from this month »
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mother382004
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HELLO MY NAME IS JANET,I AM 41 YEARS OLD AND I AM
ORIGINALLY FROM DETROIT MICHIGAN. BUT NOW LIVING IN PORTSMOUTH, OHIO. I HAVE 3 DAUGHTERS, 19,21,23
MY OLDEST IS LIVING WITH ME STILL, I AM GLAD SHE IS, I LOST MY HUSBAND SEPTEMBER 19TH. OF 2005
I ALSO BREED POODLES FOR A LIVING IN MY HOME, I LIKE WHAT I DO, IT HELPS OUT ALOT. I LOVE PLAYING GAMES ON GRAB WITH MY FRIENDS, THEY ARE ALL SO NICE TO ME AND I THANK GOD FOR ALL OF THEM
P.s. I got remarried in November of 2006 to a wonderful man his name is Robbie 36 years old. He's very sweet and good to me.
HUGS FROM JANET LAW...
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