This is actually a true story and the account of the investigation makes it even better...
 
 The Dam

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania. This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get to the response letter.

 
SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Ly-coming County
 
 
 
 Dear Mr. DeVries:
 
 It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:
 
Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.
 
 A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.
 
 A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.
 
 The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2006.
 
 Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.
 
 Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action..
 
 We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.
 
 Sincerely,
 David L. Price
 District Representative and Water Management Division.

 
Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:
 
 Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County
 
Dear Mr. Price,
 
 Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane, Trout Run, Pennsylvania.
 
 A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.
 
 My first dam question to you is:
 (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
 (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?
 
 If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.
 
 I have several concerns. My first concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.
 
 If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.
 
 In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2006? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then: and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.
 
 In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone.
 
 If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! The bears are not careful where they dump!
 
 Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.
 

THANK YOU.
 RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS   

Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making
dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time
to
tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."
Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble
at
school and at home. Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved
to get
a bike for his birthday.   Little Leroy, of course, thought he did.

Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect
on his behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell
him why he deserved a bike for his birthday.

Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to
write God a letter.

LETTER 1:

Dear God:
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike
for my birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend,
Leroy

Leroy knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy
this year,  so he tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2:

Dear God:
This is your friend Leroy. I have been a pretty good boy this
year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you,
Leroy

Leroy knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and
started
again.

LETTER 3:

Dear God:

I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I
will be  a good boy if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you,
Leroy

Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to
get him a bike. By now, Leroy was very upset.

He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to
church. Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked because Leroy looked
very
sad. Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.

Leroy walked down the street to the church and up to the altar.
He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of
the
Virgin Mary, slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church,
down
the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to
his room and sat, down with a piece of paper and a pen, and wrote his
letter to
God.

LETTER 4:

I GOT YOUR MAMA.

IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.

Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO

 
   THE U IN JESUS

         
Before U were thought of or time had begun,
God stuck U in the name of His Son.
       
And each time U pray, you'll see it's true,
You can't spell out JesUs and not include U.
       
You're a pretty big part of His wonderful name,
For U, He was born; that's why He came.
     
And His great love for U is the reason He died.
It even takes U to spell crUcified.

Isn't it thrilling and splendidly grand
He rose from the dead, with U in His plan?
     
The stones split away, the gold trUmpet blew,
And this word resUrrection is spelled with a U.
           
When JesUs left earth at His upward ascension,
He felt there was one thing He just had to mention.
     
"Go into the world and tell them it's true
That I love them all - Just like I love U."
     
So many great people are spelled with a U,
Don't they have a right to know JesUs too?
     
It all depends now on what U will do,
He'd like them to know,
But it all starts with U.
     

type in your name and wait a few seconds. this is so cute.

 

http://www.chezclodio.com/divers

the heart

 

"Tomorrow morning," the surgeon began,
"I'll open up your heart..."


"You'll find Jesus there," the boy
interrupted.


The surgeon looked up, annoyed "I'll
cut your heart open," he continued,
to see how much damage has been
done..."


"But when you open up my heart, you'll
find Jesus in there," said the boy.


The surgeon looked to the parents, who
Sat quietly."When I see how much
damage has been done, I'll sew your
heart and chest back up, and I'll plan
what to do next."


"But you'll find Jesus in my heart. The
Bible says He lives there. The
hymns all say He lives there. You'll
find Him in my heart."


The surgeon had had enough. "I'll tell
you what I'll find in your heart.
I'll find damaged muscle, low blood
supply, and weakened vessels.
And I'll find out if I can make you well."


"You'll find Jesus there too. He lives
there."


The surgeon left.


The surgeon sat in his office, recording his
notes from the surgery, "...damaged aorta, damaged
pulmonary vein, widespread muscle degeneration.
No hope for transplant, no hope for cure. Therapy:
painkillers and bed rest. Prognosis:, "
here he paused, "death within one year."


He stopped the recorder, but there was
more to be said. "Why?" he asked aloud.
"Why did You do this? You've put
him here; You've put him in this pain; and
You've cursed him to an early death. Why?"


The Lord answered and said, "The boy,
My lamb, was not meant for your
flock for long, for he is a part of My
flock, and will forever be.
Here, in My flock, he will feel no pain, and
will be comforted as you cannot imagine.

His parents will one day join him here,
and they will know peace, and
My flock will continue to grow."


The surgeon's tears were hot, but his
anger was hotter. "You created that
boy, and You created that heart. He'll
be dead in months. Why?"

The Lord answered, "The boy, My lamb,
shall return to My flock, for He has
Done his duty: I did not put My lamb
with your flock to lose him, but to retrieve another
lost lamb."


The surgeon wept.. The surgeon sat
beside the boy's bed; the boy's
parents sat across from him. The boy awoke and
whispered, "Did you cut open my heart?"


"Yes," said the surgeon.


"What did you find?" asked the boy.


"I found Jesus there," said the
surgeon.



Author Unknown - Celebrate Jesus in 2006

  Mastectomy Hospital Bill in Congress
> >
> >       If you know anyone who has had a mastectomy, you may know
> > that there is a lot of discomfort and pain afterwards. Insurance
>companies
> > are trying to make mastectomies an outpatient procedure. Let's give
>women
> > the chance to recover properly in the hospital for 2 days after surgery.
> >
> >       Mastectomy Bill in Congress
> >
> >       ! ; It takes 2 seconds to do this and is very
> > important...please take the time and do it really quick!
> >
> >       Breast Cancer Hospitalization Bill - Important legislation
> > for all women.
> >
> >       Please send this to everyone in your address book. If there
> > was ever a time when our voices and choices should be heard, this is one
>of
> > those times. If you're receiving this, it's because I think you will
>take
> > the 30 seconds to go to vote on this issue and send it on to others you
>know
> > who will do the same.
> >
> >       There's a bill called the Breast Cancer Patient Protection
> > Act which will require insurance companies to cover a minimum 48-hour
> > hospital stay for patients undergoing a mastectomy. It's about
>eliminating
> > the "drive-through mastectomy" where women are forced to go home just a!
>few
> > hours after surgery, against the wishes of their doctor, still groggy
>from
> > anesthesia and sometimes with drainage tubes still attached.
> >
> >       Lifetime Television has put this bill on their web page with
> > a petition drive to show your support. Last year over half the House
>signed
> > on.
> >
> >       PLEASE!! Sign the petition by clicking on the web site
> > below. You need not give more than your name and zip code number.
> >
> >
> > http://www.lifetimetv.com/health/breast_mastectomy_pledge.html
> > <http://www.lifetimetv.com/health/breast_mastectomy_pledge.html>
> >
> >       This takes about 2 seconds. PLEASE PASS THIS ON to your
> > friends and family, and on behalf of all women, THANKS

 INDIAN AND BUFFALO>
> An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one
> hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.  He says
> to the waiter, "Want coffee."
> The waiter  says, "Sure chief, coming right up."  He
> gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.
> The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns
> and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing
> parts of the animal to splatter every where.
> The next morning the Indian returns. He has his
> shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo
> with the other.  He walks up to the counter and says
> to the waiter, "Want coffee."  The waiter says,
> "Whoa, Tonto!  We're still cleaning up your mess
> from yesterday.  What was all that about anyway?"
>
>
>
 
> The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for
> upper management position in United States
> Government:  Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,
> leave mess for others  to clean up, disappear for
> rest of  day.

"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right.   (Bet you tried this out mentally, didn't you?)

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.   (I'll bet you're going to check this out.)

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".   (Are you doubting this?)

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet. (Now, you KNOW you're going to try this out for accuracy, right?)


The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes). (Yep, I knew you were going to "do" this one.)

There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.   (You're not doubting this, are you?)

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious." (Yes, admit it, you are going to say ...... a e i o u)


TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard. (All you typists are going to test this out)


All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
(Some days that's about what my memory span is)

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years. (I know some people that could do this too.)


Al Capone's busines s card said he was a used furniture dealer.

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.


February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast,

the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. (Good thing he did that)

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Now you know everything!!

On The Golf Course

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to
 place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals she isn't wearing 
any panties.
"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing an knickers?" her husband
demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any," she
replies.
The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the
sake of decency, here's 50 pounds. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her
 skirt
also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no panties.
"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?" her husband
demands.
"I can't afford any on the money you give me," she replies.
He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's 20
pounds. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over to place her ball on the tee. The
wind also takes her skirt over head to reveal that see, too, is naked under 
it.
"Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?" her
 husband demansds.
"You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any," she replies.
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love
 o'Jasus an' the  sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit.".