Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a
    stuffing - imagine that.
    When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for those of us who
    just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not
    dried out. Give this a try.
   
    BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN
   
    6-7 lb. Chicken 1 cup melted butter 1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is
    good.) 1 cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER'S LOW FAT) Salt/pepper
    to taste.
   
    Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt,
    and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan
    with the neck end toward the back of the oven.
   
    Listen for the popping sounds. When the chicken's ass blows the oven door
    open and the chicken flies across the room, it's done.
   
    And, you thought I couldn't cook.........

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his
Sunday sermon.     

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
   
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following
results:     

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead .
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation -
What can you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine was sitting in the back,  quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink,
smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

Thanks to those people who have sent me those "forwards"! You make me feel loved and blessed for having a watchful friend like you!

Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat sh*t in the glue on
envelopes, because I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to
seal an envelope.

Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains and may eat my guts out as well.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheist bastards who refuse to put "Under God" on their
cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave, because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones, because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants, even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls, because someone might drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from, nor send packages by UPS or FedEx
since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,
Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC, because their "chickens" are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my
free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now
have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul, because at last count, I have 363,214
angels looking out for me in addition to all of you dear friends.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I
forward an e-mail to seven hundred of my friends and make a wish within
five seconds.

I no longer have any savings, because I gave it to a sick girl who is
about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time)..

I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I receive
the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in
their special e-mail program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will
now return the favor!

If you don't send this Good for laughs e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the
next 7 minutes, a large flock of pigeons with a wicked case of diarrhea
will land on your head at 5:00 PM (EDT) this afternoon and poopy all over
you. I know this will occur, because it actually happened to a friend of
my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's third
cousin's beautician.

Enjoy!

I found this website had funny school excuses that were writen. Enjoy!

http://snopes.com/humor/lists/absent.asp

A minister was completing a Temperance sermon. With great emphasis he
said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into
the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had
All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he
Said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world,
I'd take it and pour it into the river."



Sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced. With a smile,
nearly laughing, "For our closing song, Let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We
Gather at the River."

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her que stion was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. " I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied. "It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and  are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her  drivers' license It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how  old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's  name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and  daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex.."

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident.

It's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man,that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There nothing left but fortunately we are unhurt.

"This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied," I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine didn't break! Sure God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

The she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle, and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."

Just wishing all a merry Christmas

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

 

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."

 

"What sort of question?"

 

"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'

 

The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."

CRAP your hands?