As this year comes to an end I look back on all that has happened in my life and I realize just how thankful I should be and just how much I have accomplished. I should be proud right? For some reason all I can ever think about is how much more I shoulda, coulda and woulda done. I guess we all do that though.
On August 28th 2006 my sister and brother did an intervention. I was a full fledged raving Crack Addict. I was living at home with my parents and they were at their wits end, they didn't know what to do, how to help me so they turned to my sister for advice. My sister is the baby of the family, but she is the one that "made it". Now mind you she worked hard to get where she is and when she was a baby we all swore she would be "something" some day. She is 8 yrs my junior but sometimes I feel like she is the big sister. Anyway, she called my brother who NEVER gets involved in family issues. He has his life trying to raise a teenage son, but when it comes down to it he is there. They came to me and told me they knew I was doing drugs and that it was time to do something about it or move out of my parents house. I resisted as all "good" drug addicts do, but deep down I wanted help. So, that started my road to recovery.
On August 30th I took my last "hit". It was aweful, it wasn't satisfying and of course I wanted more, but, I knew in my heart it had to end. On September 1st I went into a 7 day detox program. When I left detox I felt better, but of course the craving was still there. I had to spend 10 days at my parents home before they could get me into a 30 day in house treatment program. I spent 10 days sitting at the computer trying to keep my mind off the fact that my dealer was just a phone call away. On Sept. 19th I went into The Pines Treatment Center. I spent the next 30 days learning how to live again. Learning WHY I felt the need to stay high all the time and "finding" myself. One on one therapy was on a volunteer basis and I was the first in line. I knew I had a lot of demons that needed sleighing and for the first time in my life I admitted I couldn't do it alone. Those 30 days were 30 of the most productive days of my life.
When I left the treatment center I knew I couldn't go back to my parents house. It wasn't "safe". Not because of them but because of the fact it was a small town and I knew too many ways to get my "fix". Also, I had no car and the nearest place for me to find work was 30 miles away. So, I returned to the detox center as a resident volunteer until a bed opened up at the halfway house next door.
Once I got into the halfway house I worked hard to do everything they required of me which ment 3 classes a day, An AA, NA or CA meeting each day and one on one with a councilor, PLUS looking for a job. I got a job within a month so now I am working 9 hrs a day plus doing all that was required of me at the halfway house. My days were full. It wasn't an easy task. The one thing they tell you is to watch out for "HALT", Hungry, Angry, Lonely and Tired. I was at the halfway house for about 6 months when it was time for me to do some serious soul searching. I was VERY tired from work and classes and meetings and group therapy, I worked nights got home around 1 am, up by 6am for Morning meditation and then meetings and groups and classes. I was beginning to get angry because I was so tired all the time and the councilor was trying to say I needed to give up my job and get a part time job, BUT they say you need to save money to get a place when you leave here. I felt like I was damned if I did damned if I didn't. And I was OOOHHH so very lonely. I had no time to make "healthy" friends, no time to do things I enjoyed doing. SO, I decided the time had come for me to move on. I told them I was leaving the program and getting a place on the "outside". No one ever voiced it to me but I heard from some of the other clients that the staff didn't think I would make it. They felt I should stay and finish the program.
In Feb. 2007 I got an apartment and started my new life. I worked long hard hours, avoided people in general ( I still don't have any REAL friends) and promised myself I would prove them wrong.
In June of 2007 My daughter Brandee came for the summer and decided to stay. For the first time in her life she has a parent that is not on drugs. I spoil her terribly, a lot from guilt but mostly because I can lol. We live in a tiny little one bedroom apartment but its OUR home!!
Today I have been clean for over 15 months. I rarely think about those days when drugs were my life. The cravings subsided long ago. Now, I am ready for a REAL life, one that includes friends and love. I haven't been in a relationship in over 15 months mainly because I am very picky about whom I become involved with. I don't want to make the same mistakes I made in the past. But, recently I reconnected with a man that I knew before Crack was my life, he has moved here and we are working on a relationship. It's not easy, I am sooo very set in my ways, but I'm trying!
So, I have accomplished a lot in just over a year and yes as I sit and write this I AM PROUD! I did it and I have proven the nay sayers wrong! I am drug and alcohol free and I refuse to ever go back!!!
Merry Christmas and a VERY HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
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