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funny
Nov 19, 2009 | 5:09PM
TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A
LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN.
AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL
THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER,
'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.
THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM.
THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'
THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE
OF THEIR BUSINESS. AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS,
'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'
'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'
'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.' HIS
FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.'
'A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'
'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A
LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW..... TOOK MY TEETH WITH
HER!
NEVER TOO OLD TO ENJOY HUMOUR AND A GOOD LAUGH!!
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Mrs. Claus's Cookbook
Nov 19, 2009 | 5:01PM
Subject: Fw: MRS. CLAUS COOKBOOK. Great recipes
Subject: Fwd: MRS. CLAUS COOKBOOK. Great recipes
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A whole cook book.
CLICK ON EACH IMAGE AND YOU WILL GO DIRECTLY TO MRS. CLAUS COOKBOOK....SEND IT ON TO EVERYONE.
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HI! ready for some laughs?
Nov 19, 2009 | 4:54PM
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires.'
An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.. '
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
One more. . .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
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Smiles Melt Me
Nov 15, 2009 | 1:45PM
Smiles Melt Me
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Smile day
Nov 15, 2009 | 1:17PM
SMILE DAY, Pass It On
Smiling is infectious, you catch it like the flu
When someone smiled at me today, I
started smiling too
I passed around the corner, and someone
saw my grin
When he smiled I realized, I'd passed
it on to him
I thought about that smile, then realized
it's worth
A single smile, just like mine, could
travel 'round the earth
So if you feel a smile begin, don't
leave it undetected
Let's start an epidemic, quick, and
get the world infected
By Skipper
© 2008 Skipper (All rights reserved)
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smile
Nov 15, 2009 | 1:08PM
SMILE
My heart feels sad
why
because you are blue
see
I feel exactly like you
when you are happy
it makes my day
when you feel lonely
I am too
the reason is quite simple
plain as can be
I guess it is because
you
mean the world to me
friends hold on tight never letting go
but Angels
well this is completely different
as you know
a part of you completes a part of me
that is the way it was meant to be
so
s m i l e
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SMILE
Nov 15, 2009 | 1:01PM
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Smiley faces
Nov 15, 2009 | 12:41PM
~ Smiley Faces ~
Who here use the smiley face... when you write a mail?
Some use them all the time, to show just how they feel 
They express our pleasure, and our sadness too 
They can say hello, or they say bye to you! 
I don't understand at all, I am so confused 
I feel green with envy..or drooling over you 
You're a angel....here's a kiss, a wink for extra measure 
Hey there cowboy, how you been? What would be your pleasure?
The one that really makes my day, to show how much you care,
is the smiley guy that bows and says a little prayer!
That one doesn't work on here, so I will use instead
A little Nun who says a prayer, while she bows her head
I use these smiley faces, as often as the next
They help to bring the human touch, and bring alive the text!
!!!
!
!
By Marlys
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Christmas Past
Nov 15, 2009 | 9:32AM
Looking Back at Christmas Past
I get occasionally sad and
quite reminiscent
when thinking of
Christmases past.
The joy that I held when
quite prepubescent
felt like it would most
assuredly last.
The wide-eyed excitement
just took me over,
anticipation sure tied
me in knots.
Packages wrapped in red or
green as clover
engendered such astonishing
thoughts.
The smell of the kitchen and
holiday pies
could make the sane heart
skip a beat.
Mother knew the look in
everyone’s eyes
standing guard ‘til ‘twas
time to eat.
Downtown was bustling, there
was no internet,
shopping was done in person,
with cash.
The world of plastic convenience
wasn’t prevalent yet,
‘twas much harder to do
something rash.
The Christmas tree didn’t come
in a big box
with instructions how to
fit it together.
The mantle was displaying a
variety of socks,
mostly woolies to ward off
the weather.
Christmas miracles really do happen
when surrounded
by the ones who hold the top
spots in your heart.
You can almost feel lightness after
reindeer have bounded
from your rooftop, the rest of
their rounds to start.
The thing I miss most is the
family gathered near
and the special love that
shown over all.
I’m so thankful that these memories
are so clear,
sadly, I now touch them with
a phone call
By AlwaysMy |
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the beauty of autumn
Nov 15, 2009 | 9:24AM
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