To me writing used to be a magical world in which I could explore my own opinions and be heard by those who mattered to me, now it is merely a tool in which I can focus on my own problems, issues and anything else which I’m not happy about. I’m sorry it has been so long since my last entry; I have had a lot on my mind. I remember when I was 13 and my Uncle died, I’d never lost anyone like that before, and it hurt – but these past couple of months have hit me so hard, and left me feeling like a tornado has come and left. Totally destructed. I’ve got no sense of where I am, where I’m going, who I am or who I want to be. I feel like a small fish in such a big world, and to be perfectly honest that [censored]s with your head a little.

There are all these people, all these people doing ‘right’, working hard for what they have, what they feel they need. I was driven; I was motivated, now all that matters is surviving. Take off their suits, take away their memories, and what do you have? Humans are animals. No more, no less. Yet, they fight behind their masks, behind their facial expressions – so greedy, so selfish. 

I no longer want to write, I no longer need to look at those words, it doesn’t make me feel anything. Words mean nothing when written, they are merely words. How am I meant to enjoy something which matters so little to me? I’ve lost all my faith in writing, it is no longer what I need, no longer a magical place in which I can reside. I’ve always been the sort of person who won’t go in to a party first, who needs someone or something to lean on so I know I can do things – but that is no longer the case. Sometimes we need to find our own strength, and the only way we can do this is on our own. It is not a case of not appreciating the support of family and friends, but is more a case of not needing it anymore. I need to step out on my own, I need to say to the world, I can do this. I need to say to myself, I can do this. But then it comes back to the ultimate problem, what is it I am wanting to do? I hate being in limbo as I am now. I don’t understand why I cannot sort my problems out as I usually do – perhaps it is because this time they are raw. They are not fake, they are not exaggerated. Everything is so much more real now.

 I no longer believe I’m infallible. Not that I overly thought I was before, but I have realised just how easily mistakes can be made. And just how easily lives can be lost. How scary the thought is that; if I lost my memory tomorrow, I would no longer know the people I know, I would no longer share anything with them that I had previously done. Everything would be temporary, I would see someone in the morning, and forget them by evening. It is a daunting prospect, although even if I do say so myself a quite nerve wracking-ly exciting one. Would you agree, or has the stress gone to my head?

Teenage angst. A phrase I borrowed from David. This is probably that, and I hate it. I hate not knowing where I want to go, what I want to do, where I want to be. But on the other hand, I like having that freedom. The availability of it all. I can do whatever I want (within reason obviously, and no I’m not saying that because I want to defy authority). I can live. So, no longer am I living according to rules, I am surviving according to instinct. And it’s never felt better, but at the same time, I’ve never felt worse.

So, the age of voting is 18 in the UK. You can only vote if you are 18 or over. I don't think this is right, there are plenty of people under the age of 18 who are interested in politics, so why can't they have their say?

At the age of 16 you...

Are legally allowed to drive a moped
But you don't have a say in any driving laws - can't vote for any party

Are legally allowed to buy lotto (all those similar draws) ticket
Have no say in gambling, and money winning shows - can't vote!

Are deemed legally responsible enough to consent to sex
Deemed mature enough for sex, but not deemed mature enough to make lawful decisions about it?

Are legally old enough to get married (with parents consent)
But not legally old enough to have their say on marriage laws, divorce laws, parents' divorce proceedings?

Are legally old enough to work full time
Yet not old enough to vote regarding working policies

Are legally old enough to purchase cigarettes in a shop
Yet not deemed old enough to vote on, or have their opinion listened to regarding smoking?

Why shouldn't people under the age of 18 have the vote?

Why shouldn't younger people be listened to?

Everyone has opinions. It's not something that you suddenly get when you turn 18.

Politics is under-represented as it is, let everyone contribute their views by lowering the voting age.

What do you all think?

Awesome song.

What do you think?

Just another diamond ring.. Just another something else, I can't remember how it goes. Now, for those of you thinking, not another bloody long rambling blog, no.. It's not. I'm not going to ramble.. I'm going to do something, and I would like your comments.

Okay, I'm going to give you a few situations I want you to think about. I want you to give me an answer regarding what you would do in that given situation. How you would respond. Whose side would you take? Would you remain neutral? What factors influence your decisions? Or, depending on what the situation asks of you, what you could learn from a situation.. These aren't things that will change your life... after all, they are simply situations.. which could tell you a lot about your character. And the sort of person you are.

Scenario 1

You are a small child. In a playground, full of children. Most of them are older than you, taller than you, bigger than you. You feel extremely uncomfortable. You look around.. there is only one other child whom is similar to you. You glance at this child, and notice them looking at you, although - surprisingly in an unfriendly manner. Suddenly, you feel the panic seeping back. This child isn't going to be your friend. What would you do now? Would you look for a way out, or would you try to befriend other children whom are a lot older than you?

What do you think your decision says about you.. are you a hostile kind of person, looking for solace only in places you are almost sure you will find it? Not wanting to reach out to others, or are you the kind of person who runs away from things, before they get hurt? Or, are you the kind of person who boldly steps up.. ready to face the unknown, unsure of the outcome, but willing to risk it? Because, remember - you are a small child. At this point not being on your own is vitally important to you. You need the guidance. Or do you? Do you think decisions you make at this age can inadvertently affect you later on in life? Silly, small decisions.. take a few minutes to think about it.

Scenario 2

You're not so small anymore. Well, you are - but you want everyone to think you aren't. You are 14. You are in your last couple of years of compulsory education (in the UK - until the new law comes into act, but forget that for the moment). The ultimate word to you right now is CONFORMITY. You need your friends. You would do anything to look 'cool'. Whatever circle of friends you imagine yourself in, hold your 'friends' in high regard.. hate yourself for being jealous. Love yourself for pleasing them. Suddenly, what is this, they are suggesting something you know deep down you shouldn't be doing? You subconsciously agree. Without knowing you are even doing it. Your instincts tell you that this could make or break you within this group. But, with later consideration, it could also make or break the group. Your friends tell you what they are going to be setting up, and your auto-pilot gears into action. You would walk over burning coals for these people. And they know it. They have asked a lot of you. You are, as you are left to realise, the one left to take the punishment for the others. If it goes wrong. They have requested from you that you threaten, with a knife, in their words "that weird kid with slits on their wrists" - because that kid's parents are loaded and they want the money. You don't think that maybe this person could be unstable. You don't stop to think what consequences your actions could have. Yet you need to do this. For your friends. You are too young to realise the consequences. Imagine you do not have the brain capacity to imagine. You are brainwashed by your friends. And you need to do this to reach your ultimate goal.

You do it.

The kid has on them a sum of £10, a few coins. An iPod, and some trainers your friends think they can sell that they made you take.

You didn't use the knife. You didn't have to. The kid handed everything over when you produced it.

The next day, you hear this kid has been hospitalised, a suspected overdose. Nearly killed themselves. The child's parents are distraught. Wondering how it could have happened. What made their child unhappy. But - low and behold, the kid seems to get better, and comes back to school within a couple of weeks.

Your friends are happy with you. They managed to sell what you got from the kid. You are the new leader. Everything seems okay, or does it?

What would you do? Would you carry on as normal, knowing that your friends now respect you. And that the kid you attacked seems to be alright. Would you not think anymore of it? Would it become the norm? Would you do it again? Would you break up your group by reporting what happened, why you did it? It's your choice. Make it.

Scenario 3

You have a family. A partner, children perhaps. People in your family you care about. You are onboard a ship with a friend you have known since childhood. A small ship. A cruise ship. Holding only 100 people, excluding staff. It is dark. You appear to be in the middle of the ocean, but you are not. You are infact extremely close to the rocks. You can see a light, it appears to be coming from your left. A reasonable way away, although close - for what it is. A lighthouse light. Suddenly, you hear shouts. The person in charge of navigating the ship has seen the rocks. But you know, and so does everybody else around you, that it is too late. You will hit them. Your mind goes blank. You hear the crash. The snapping of wood. Around you, under you, above you. People are screaming. Running around, clueless as to what they should be doing.. because no one really knows.

You hear the word "EVACUATION" - and realise, since you aren't so far from shore maybe you could swim. Maybe you and your friend will survive. Maybe you will see your family. It isn't until you go up on to the top deck that you see how much damage the rocks have done. People have been injured. They are crying. Screaming. Begging for help. You suddenly get this feeling, an overwhelming feeling, you are one of the un-injured. You have the responsibility. Of helping people. But who to help?

You could always leave. Save yourself. But.. your friend is injured. They look as though they have broken their arm. They can't swim like that. A woman, screaming, appears to have been thrown from the edge of the ship across the deck when it hit, she seems to have broken her leg. She can't swim. A disabled man, in a wheelchair. He has no legs, he would drown if he was in the water. A young child you see, crying, it has been separated from it's parents. Who would you take? Knowing, who you leave may well drown. Do you save only yourself? Your longtime friend? A middle-aged woman who probably has a family, and is helpless due to injury. An older, disabled man - who you know will most likely drown if you do not help him. Or the young child, who has their whole life ahead of them?

Scenario 4

You are an adult. With responsibilities. Suddenly, one of your parents falls ill. You don't know what to do. Do you move them in with you, knowing full well you would be required to give up your job so you could look after them? As it is a 24-hour job giving them the care they need. Would you be able to do that, be able to see the pain they are going through, because you know they aren't going to get any better. Or would you place them in a Nursing Home.. and visit them when it's convenient for you? Knowing, that they may not get as good care as they would have done with you, but that they are cared for, you can still work, you don't have the 'burden' of responsibility looming over you. You don't have to see them everyday, deteriorating.. Is your pain worth their suffering?

Which would you choose to do? Look after them in your own home, giving up your job to care for them 24 hours a day. Or, place them in a home, where you would pay for them to be cared for. But knowing, that they wouldn't be as well cared for. Would you forget them if you did that?

I'm sorry, you're asking me to do what?

You may be questioning why I have written such an entry tonight.. if you think about it, it is extremely thought provoking. You could be pondering the ups and downs of these situations for a lot of time to come. You may not understand some of them, you may feel some are silly. You may feel that the decision you make would be made in less than a second. But for each one of you that finds a certain decision easy, there will always be those of you who cannot decide upon the same issue.

You, yourself may not understand peer pressure. You may not understand the need to conform to the norm. You might not be able to comprehend why people appear to be held back in some situations, why they would run away rather than face it.

You may be finding it difficult to see how anybody could give up on their family, or you may be wondering why some people bothering giving up their jobs when relatives can be placed in homes. There are ups and downs to every situation.

When asked to make a decision like the ones I have made you think about this evening, you can see it in the full colour that it is. The thousands of shades of grey. It's not black and white, you know that. But  the decision you reach in the end, overrides any of the thoughts you had previous to making that decision - and you are judged merely on your final decision nothing else taken into consideration.

What I am trying to say, is that people make decisions which we would consider erratic. People do things for what we think are the weirdest reasons. But whatever decision someone makes is logical to them.

Who are we to say that one decision is wrong? Who are we to take the moral high-ground? Who are we to say to the person making the decision you don't agree with that it is WRONG. Who are we to judge?

WE SHOULDN'T JUDGE. But we do. We judge, we criticise. Without thinking. It is so much easier to blame someone, to look down on them for making a 'stupid' decision.. but it's only stupid in your eyes.

Decisions are made because of many imposing factors. Peer pressure. Time pressure. Guilt. A persons own logic.

We judge so quickly nowadays. We are so harsh. We look down on others.

And until we learn that if everybody was the same and no one ever rebelled, then we would (when imagining this situation) end up moaning about the monotony of how life was. Imagine, there was only people who liked the same things, they only had the same habits. No one ever thought that they could do anything different. Not that they felt pressured to conform, but that they simply didn't know they could change things.

In most countries people are fighting to be different... to make different decisions. To look different. And we say we've accepted it, but on the whole we haven't. We judge them. And look down on them. That's not accepting. What we are judging is their final decision to look like they do, or to act how they act. We don't consider the 'shades of grey' - the points the pondered over whilst making the decision they make.

And that, brings this entry pretty much to an end. But one last point, what I guess I've been getting you to think about all along, is stop and think before you make a decision. And stop and think before you judge those around you who have made decisions. What you think is right isn't necessarily logical to most, and what you think is wrong could just be logical to most. Don't judge what you don't understand. And try to refrain from judging what you do. Because no situation is ever the same.

Well, that's pretty pathetic, I haven't written in here for over 42 days. It's disgusting... I've jus felt like i've not been able to. I've been busy with college, and I've been reflecting on what I do have, what I want, and what I can achieve. And I might not be 100% sure, but i'm damn well getting there. I keep going on and on, over and over, like a broken record about college, and how good it is, how much i'm learning, but it's not jus education wise, being at college I've learnt so much more to do with myself, I've gained confidence - purely from the point of view I am myself now, I don't feel the need to conform to stupid groups now, I don't feel I should dress a certain way, listen to a certain music, I, personally, couldn't give a f**k anymore. But that's a good thing. Because there is no way on earth I am living my life to cater to society's 'norms and values'. It's pathetic. I do not want to be a clone of the girl sitting on the bus next to me, I don't want people to think "which one is she?" - God, that'd be jus as bad as people ignoring you. You're 'one of a crowd' - not an individual. Now, let me get this straight, I do not dress to get attention, I do not wear tons of make-up to make people think I'm older than I am, I do not listen to music that I do not like, yet is seen to symbolise the whole 'teen angst' period. I do not want special attention, I don't deserve it, hardly anybody does. However, something we all deserve, is to be treated for who we are. Not who we think we should be. Nor who we are perceived to be. I will not be one of these people who seems to be one person online, and someone totally different in real life. That's not me, what you see is what you get. I get the impression people seem to think i'm 'posh' because I'm sometimes reserved, but it's nothing to do with poshness, quite the opposite infact. I'm also, at times, quite withdrawn from what others would seem to be normality, normal social situations, but that's jus me, I'm in general quite a quiet person, I'm not the sort of person who wants to be in the spotlight, I'm perfectly happy to support the person who wants to be. But it's not for me.

Different countries are known for things that divide them, and it is different in each country.. In Britain we are divided by class. SOCIAL CLASS. That little tag we mentally give to people, working class, middle class, or upper class. What the hell does it matter? We are a nation that discriminates. We discriminate based on CLASS. And yet, it's accepted. As a norm. It's jus 'something we do'. Well we shouldn't. You all know those 'chav' jokes we're all guilty of laughing at? Or those times you've called someone dum, or stupid, based on the impression you get of them from what they are wearing... That's unfair. That's being nasty to people on an aspect of appearance. What the heck do you think skin colour is? Part of your personality?! Racism is NOT tolerated, so why is discrimination in any other form accepted? As a 'norm' people look down on the working class, they stereotype them as 'brainless chavs' - and it's not fair. And, the other way around, people look down on the upper class, because they see them as snobbish, and heartless people. We are fighting ourselves here. Mankind is fighting mankind. We only live one life, why do we insist on spending that life on buying material possessions? Sueing people and companies for as much as we can get them for, it's pathetic. It's all greed. If people stopped being so greedy, and started actually working together for a change then perhaps, jus maybe, the world would be a nicer place. It's not all about how much you want, it's about everyone. Fair enough, i'm not saying never buy something for yourself, i'm definitly not saying that, but if everyone jus calmed down, stopped for a moment or two, realised what they could experience for free.. not material things. But experiences.

JUST STOP AND THINK.

Is actually a song by the Foo Fighters, Times Like These. But as you all know can be applied to anything.. not jus a song. I have been a bit.. um, lazy lately, I haven't updated my blog for over a month. So I am now.

I have been studying sociology at college since september now, and I think out of all of the subjects I am studying I've actually learnt the most from it, not in a educational way - I think i've learnt more from politics that way - but in a personal way, I've been able to see things in a different way, in a different light. Why we act like we do, and why is it accepted as the norm. Think about your family, maybe your parents, or your children - you're a whole. You are part of that family, you share the same blood - you call each other relatives. However, families haven't always existed, the idea of marriage and one partner was brought in when men, yes men, decided that they didn't want the women they'd slept with sleeping around - because then they didn't know if it was their child or not, and therefore may have ended up supporting someone who wasn't their child, this was a long time ago - can't remember the date. One of the sociologists we looked at described marriage as "legalised prostitution for women" - and you may be shocked at that, but thinking about it when the idea of marriage was first around, I guess it was. Because marriage gave women the financial support they needed, due to the fact they couldn't work because everywhere was patriarchal (dominated by men), and therefore they had to rely on men. Although - now, I don't think it is a form of legalised prostituion, women can work, earn their own money and be a lot less dependent on men.

All of the ideas we have about our lives and the reasons we do things like we do I'm guessing generally fall back to the idea about humans being creatures of habit. For example, I know 99% of us are not serial killers, but this is an example, as far as I can gather people generally believe that serial killers can be profiled through the areas of their kills, and they way they kill their victims, hence the patterns that emerge in their work. They are creatures of habit, even though it's not a habit that seems normal to us at all. But they are still creatures of habit. Perhaps a bit better example would be something like when you go shopping, you choose the supermarket you want to go to, and generally prefer to go there than anywhere else, because you know the place, you recognise the workers, the people, the prices, the location of items, it makes sense. It's logical.

As a whole most of us wouldn't know how to survive if we were left in the wilderness, nothing we recognised as buyable, e.g. clothes, or tinned food around us, what would we do? Our ancestors managed many years ago, and personally I think it's quite sad that people now feel they need all the luxuries and the things they expect from shops to be able to survive. I think it's pathetic how everyone is always in a rush, because they have tight schedules, surely that can't make people happy? You run around for others until you die if you're going to do that. Why do people not realise that if they only took a few minutes out of their daily schedules each day to do something that doesn't involve technology, nor needs to be done by a certain time, i'm pretty sure most people would enjoy that. Now - you could call me a hypocrite, writing about not using technology all the time, yet I'm using a computer to type this, well perhaps I am, but how else am I going to get this on here for you all to read? It's the most convenient.. and yes, that is hypocritical.

I would love the chance to live in a place where there was no technology, no super shops, no world centred around people who are a size 0 (for American's) or a size 4 (for people from the UK). It's stupid. Who cares about what they do with their lives, they can't be happy, can they? Having cameras follow them everywhere. Analyse every aspect of their body. Their shape. Their face. NO. That shouldn't be happening, yet it is. And it's happening because it sells, in magazines and newspapers it sells, because when we read about someone else's problems, we feel better. And that's harsh, but true. We enjoy gossip, because it makes us feel special, clever, wanted. Even if it can ruin someone else's life if they let it get to them.

We have so many things nowadays that hold us back from living in places like the wilderness and such, I mean - okay, so I haven't go the first clue what I'd do, but I'd learn. I'd be willing to learn. But one of the main things that holds us back is fear. What would we do without computers? Technology? Music? And what would we do if we couldn't buy clothes from designers who don't give a sh*t about us.. hmm. Well, the last one doesn't apply to me, cos I refuse to do that anyway!, but I'm sure you get my drift. People are so superficial now, and the media and people in power know that, they know how to get money, how to be above the law. And they say we live in a democracy. Yeah right.

The term democracy comes from Athens, in ancient Greece. They were the first to use this term, Athenian Democracy. Although, as we now define democracy (in the UK) we know that this is not fair, and bias - but who's to say ours is better? Why do we need snotty nosed politicians who can't do things for us? Why should we have one person running the country... democratic? No, I'm thinking dictatorship. And another thing is we are supposed to have freedom of speech, and yes I know we have compared to some countries, but if you outstep the norms you are as heavily criticised as you can be. People look down on you...

..But fashion wise, if you step outside the norms of fashion, you are actually dressing not to draw attention to yourself, not to make a statement. In fashion, it would be a new idea to not be unique.. It amazes me how people try to fit in with ever changing norms. What's the point? If you like something, wear it, if you don't - then don't! I've probably gone on about that quite a lot in my blogs, it jus bugs me.

NIRAH

Have any of you heard of Nirah? It's supposedly being built reasonably close to where I live, it's like an aquarium type thing, educational sort of thing I believe, I was given a poster opposing it the other week. I think I may send off for an information pack - purely out of interest. I'm not likely to join them, or oppose them. It's not a particularly hot issue for me.

Although, I do feel stronger about animal testing.. but that's another matter. One that shouldn't be around at all.

Moving on...

Well it's nearly Christmas, and a while ago I mentioned something that was going on at Christmas that I would update you on.. and so I will. I visited someone last week, and stayed with them for a while. It was a great week (was nearly a week), we did everything we could - went shopping - got lost whilst shopping :P (not that this would be admitted to by him... ?), managed to burn things whilst cooking them, okay, that was kind of my fault. But I didn't know how to use an electric cooker... I'm used to a gas one lol. I'm jus trying to think what else happened, it seemed to go really quickly though, as they say - time flies when you're having fun.

But now i'm back home... I'm supposed to be tidying my room up today. I've done a bit, I didn't realise it was quite as messy as it was. I can't wait until I redecorate & refurnish. Will look a lot better!!

I got my report from College the other day, I'm reasonably happy with it. I'm not predicted anything less than a C grade, and i think A-F is a pass. So hopefully, if I get those grades or better ones I'll pass :D I have an exam on Politics coming up in January, I should be doing revision. I've sorted out a revision timetable, but I'm not going to be able to stick to it. I never can. I hate feeling I am being held to certain times by specific things. I'll do it when I feel like it. There's no point in doing any now, I'm not in the right frame of mind. A bit tired, and don't feel great. I think I was made ill when I went to visit a certain person... hmmm.... lol. He's gonna moan at me for saying that now. In actual fact I think it was probably the other way round, but then again everyone seems to be ill at the moment, so I don't think it makes much difference! Let's jus hope we all feel better soon.

But for now, since it's cold, and i'm tired, I'm going to get a warm drink. And if I don't write again beforehand, Merry Christmas to you all, and Happy New Year.

I haven't been feeling well today, I woke up with a temperature and a headache, and earache in one ear too. I've felt hot and cold throughout the day, and sick on and off too. But right now, at quarter to twelve at night, I jus feel I should be in bed. Although, I can't sleep, due to the fact I needed to get a couple of things sorted out before I could sleep. And writing this is one of them. I wanted to write earlier, but it wasn't peaceful, there was too much going on, and so I put a poem in for you all to see. I feel that I want to write about so much, but my mind has gone totally blank. I want to tell you about how I feel, about what I want to do, to accomplish.. But there doesn't seem to be anything there.

When I don't feel very well I always seem to feel quite.. fragile I suppose. Like I jus want to cry and be hugged all day, you all know what that's like I'm sure. And to be honest, I'm totally not in a good frame of mind to be writing this, because I'm tired and emotional, and probably not being very rational. I should be tucked up nice and warm in bed, but I need to be here right now. Not all night, jus for a while.

Everything seems to be happening so fast nowadays, college, homework, going out (if I do), taking time out to be on the computer, it doesn't seem like I have time to do much else. And in a sense, that's good - because I don't want nor do I need time to be moping around doing nothing. But at the same time - I need times, like now, where I can jus sit down and write about my feelings, and jus relax. It's what keeps me sane. Some people smoke to get that feeling, others do drugs- I write.

I'm so confused right now - about so many different things. I'm jus starting to realise things I've jus accepted before. Things I took for granted I'm not questioning, and this comes after two months of government + politics, sociology, citizenship & psychology lessons. I've never learnt so much in two months of my life.

I watched a film today, 28 Days. It's an amazing film. Kind of opened my eyes to quite a lot. And I read this article in the newspaper about youth crimes and such, I jus can't believe what I'm reading. Well I can. But I can't believe it's actually happening. It was about courts and youths being tryed (tryed/tried?). Whatever. Somebody really needs to get it into their heads that they can't behave like that. They have no respect for themselves or anyone else.

Quite a lot of people seem to think that to be able to love someone else you first need to 'love yourself' - personally, to put it bluntly, what a load of bull[censored]. You could hate your looks, but be adored by someone and love them back. You don't need to be in love with yourself, nor do you need to have so much confidence in yourself to love someone. When people say things like that it really annoys me, because it's simply not the case.

Also.. another pet hate, when people fall in love at the 'drop of a hat'. Now, I'd first like to say that I'm sorry if any of my friends read this who do this, but you know if bugs me!! Anyway, how on earth do people feel when the say that? Are they kidding themselves? "Ooh, yes, I think I'll love this one today." Wtf?! It's not something that you jus switch on and off. It's an emotion. It's not one you can switch on and off, it's not like being friends with someone one minute, being totally betrayed by them and therefore not liking them the next. How on earth can people say that love someone different each week, it seriously gets to me. Then, you've got the ones that go on about loving an ex they haven't seen for years. Oh my god, get over yourself you sad bitch!! Why dwell on things that are so obviously in the past? People need to move on and forget. Forgive and forget. Don't hold grudges, everyone messes up at some point. Nobody is perfect.

Mentioning grudges, it made me think of a film I saw a while back, the grudge, i'm not even going to give it capital letters, because it was crap. After seeing some films that I've seen not a lot really bothers me anymore, it's like.. the first exposure to scary films is always the worst. Like.. the first time you get sunburnt. Always the worst. Scary films aren't worth the money put into them. They're stupid. And you never really remember them, it's like shock tactics. You never remember those either.

Anyway, I'm going to stop writing now. I've accomplished what I came to do. And I feel happier now. Goodnight my friends :)

Jus' a little poem for you all, though it would make a change to the blogs I usually write :)

Well, it's halloween on the 31st, are you doing anything? I'd kind of half like to have some sort of party type thing, but the situation at the moment doesn't make it entirely possible, for one, I'd be at college that day, and even if I had it at the weekend, most of my friends are going to one anyway!! Plus, one of the people who I'd love to be there, couldn't be.. So it wouldn't really be a party.. even though I've never had a party with them there before, that's beside the point!! lol Anyway, trick or treating, i'm a bit old for it now.. being 16 an all.. and I don't really know any kids that are going out doing it, so I can't really go with them (as a supervisor, of course :P)..so that's not happening.

I have an exam coming up on monday the 30th.. in G+P (which for those of you who I don't know very closely is government and politics, and for those of you who I do know, but jus don't know that) - it is the subject that I'm taking which I'm struggling the most with.. I'm finding it real hard to get my head round all of the terms, and similar. I'm working at it, but it's not my fav. And it's not because of the teachers, the teachers are great, but it's the subject. I'm struggling with it. So much to know, so so much that I don't know.

I've been working on my homework tonight, I've got my psychology done, which is good, always good when you get something done!! I have a bit more to do, some G+P (two different teachers, so two different lots), some Citizenship (once again, two lots) - the thing is, I know I should get it done.. and I want to, but not only am I having probs with some of it (which I've emailed my teachers about), I jus feel strange about doing it, I mean I can't explain why, it jus feels as though I can't concentrate on anything, and that only one thing matters.. and since this is a public blog, i'm not writing what! Not that it's private in the sense I wouldn't want anyone to know, it's jus not something I'd write about in a blog entry for the whole world to read. I like to keep myself to myself, thank-you very much.

I miss how I was a few years ago, care-free, worry-less.. but now? I know I've learnt so much more, and I know some amazing people, but I wish at times I could go back to that.. what age, lets say 12, for arguments sake - before I started upper school. 12. Over four years ago. You know the time when your mind jus isn't able to comprehend "bad things" - that you were safe from "all those nasty people"  - if I even knew about these "nasty people" - which to be honest I don't think I even did. You know who I mean, paedophiles & rapists. Since then, I've made some silly mistakes, everyone has, but it's opened my eyes. Yet, it may have opened my eyes to the world around me, but - I still to an extent feel protected from it, I've no idea why, maybe it's because deep down I won't ever see myself as a victim, and maybe I think i'm.. I don't know, invincible or something. Even though, obviously i'm not. I suppose compared to others i'm lucky, I've made it to 16 (and a half! lol) without being attacked in the street, mugged, bullied even - I know some people who have gone through all of those. And it's not pleasant. What is this world coming to? Why does everyone feel the need to have such a "bad reputation" - to be seen as hard, and ruthless - well do you know what? I'd much rather be thought of as a nice person by my friends, and know they are true friends, as opposed to ones who are around me & ones that are my friends because of a reputation, or because they are scared of me or something ridiculous..

I do understand that people like this, some of them don't know any different, they've been brought up in violent families, or around violent people, and they don't know - they haven't had the chance to learn how to act in a more.. I'm not sure how to put it without offending anyone, but a more reserved way I suppose. Pretty much no one looks upto a violent thug - I mean ones that offer no one respect, so why would most people respect them? Although, I would, as much as I could - unless I was attacked or something... It's such a stigma. Then again... now you've got all of the other "groups" of people, who all say "I'm better than them" and look down on others like.. let's take "unique people", the ones who dress in the designer labels but put their own twist on it, they look down on "goths" and "chavs". I hate using stereotypes, but I have just so you know what I mean. It's jus as bad..

I suppose, in this sense I'd be called a Marxist or something! Where everyone is equal, and there are no particular status' that can be acheived, people earn what they should, and aren't exploited.. this would be great, but it would never work. Greed. It's all people are intersted in these days, and how quickly they can achieve something.. Do they not realise that making a million pounds is probably just as rewarding (if you do it regularly!!) as stopping to say, go for a walk in a park with someone you care about, just relaxing - do they not realise it's not about - well it is - but it shouldn't all be about how much money you can make, and how quickly it can be done. Money, it all comes back to money. Status comes back to money. Some relationships come back to money, especially in divorces. Jobs come back to money. Housing comes back to money. Shopping comes back to money, you can only buy what you want if you have the money - you can only live in a mansion, if you have the money. It's all, what can I get for myself, what can I get so other people can't have it.. greed. Maybe my head is in the clouds, but I don't see why everyone can't share. People tell their kids to, so why can't they?

Changing the subject entirely, I'm off shopping for a jacket tomorrow. I don't know if i'm going to find one I like, but I can hope.. I got two pairs of shoes on friday, and I've got some more clothes coming via courier, from a catalogue, not sure when they're going to turn up though. I'm slowly building up the amount of clothes I have... I used to hate clothes shopping, well I still do, but I figured if I didn't want to be wearing the same thing forever I'd better go! lol. I kind of look forward to going shopping, it's jus when I get there I kind of think "was this really a good idea?"..but I'm going. I shall wear my new shoes (well one pair!) upto the shops tomorrow.. they're lovely :P

I really should be getting into bed very soon, as I might/might not be having a busy day tomorrow, I've definitely got things I need to be doing, finishing off some h/w, and tidying my room, as I've been thinking about doing for a good few days... Haven't quite got round to it yet. So I shall have to try and do so tomorrow. As I'm busy all day on sunday. Then back to college.. that reminds me, I need to get some more photos taken, passport sized ones, as I need them to put on some form. I actually quite like filling forms in, I know people who hate it, but I like it :D maybe it's jus because it's writing... but I think it's great :) (quite sad, yes, lol)

Anyway, I'd best be off now, so I'll update you all soon :)

It's possible i'm not in the best frame of mind to be writing a blog right now, it's late, i'm a bit tired, and my mind is kind of all over the place - but i'm so unexplainably content with it all, none of it seems to matter. Pressures we have upon us, that are placed there by the media, or by our friends, have just seemed to disappear over the course of today. You're probably wondering by now, what is this girl going on about, well - I think it's best left if I don't explain.

There have been so many times where I've been with friends or at least people my age and I've felt so different, so separate from them, because there are some things that simply divide people, and you can't go back to how it was before - or if there never was a before, you simply can't change the way things are. But there are people who connections can be made with, people who you can make bonds with, bonds that you know will never be broken. And once you've found people / a person like that, you know that the friendship you have with that person will last forever.

So many things have made me stop and think, reflect back upon what I'm doing, or what I've done, and I thank god that I can look back, and I can take in what has happened, or what I think should have happened, and I can learn from it. I'm so glad i'm not blind to my mistakes, that i'm not ignorant of the fact I do make mistakes, because i'm sure you all know someone who thinks they are right all the time, when they're totally not!! But what I'm glad of most of all, is the way on which something dawns on you, and you wonder, however did I not know that before.. And the answer is simple, because you've never been in this situation before. I have searched and searched for answers to my insecurities, I have tried "quick-solutions" to problems I've had, I've run away from things I don't want to face upto, but now - now is the time in which I'm ready to grow up. I'm not running away anymore. I'm not pretending if I stay quiet I won't be noticed, this is me, and I'm here, typing this right now. And I couldn't give a damn what shallow self-minded individuals think of me. For so long I've felt that I don't belong in groups of people, because not only do their opinions conflict mine, that I'm happy with, but their interests do as well - and that, is a little harder to deal with. There are people whom can adapt to any situation in a given second, people whom are so set in their ways you'd never change them, not that I'd want to, and there are people like me, who kind of fall in the middle. But peoples interests, you have to realise that you need to step back and look at the situation before you react to it, I don't mean you, the reader, I mean anyone. If people take one step back, and think before they speak - everyone would suddenly seem a hell of a lot more intelligent! - when in actual fact, they're just drawing upon what they already know, but they're forgotten because of peer pressure, or the media. Deep down, I'm pretty sure most people feel that they have to be a certain way, or think a certain way - or they won't be accepted, but they don't. The little circle of people who "accept" them, are just as shallow as they are..

Forgive me if you disagree, but I have a hell of a lot better things to do with my life than to sit gossiping all day about how bad that girl's orange top looked with a pink jacket.. or something ridiculous. I don't give a damn who designs what I wear, I wear what I like, and personally I don't see why just because someone puts their name on something adds about £200 value to it.. but there you go. Everyone seems to be going through this "rebel" stage, as in "I wear flat shoes, with a denim skirts and black leggings" (or whatever their called lol), and "I fit in, i'm the same as everyone else, I don't discriminate against people for wearing what they like" - urm, hello, yes you do. I've seen it so many times, all of these girls who won't wear anything other than designer labels "rebelling" against fashion, when in actual fact they are still following it - and looking pretty stupid at the same time. I swear someone high up in this little fashion world must have said something like "if it doesn't go, wear it" - some of the things I've seen people wearing, that they would never usually wear.. and we now all think it looks good, because its fashion.. makes all the bloody difference. Personally, I'll wear whatever I want, I don't need my clothes to make a statement for me, my attitude does that! lol

I haven't been coming on Grab much lately, less than I'd like to - but I haven't seemed able to find the time, I always seem to be doing something, there just doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day! I'm writing this at half one in the morning, so that must say something, lol! I'm actually feeling kind of peckish, think i'll have a biscuit :D lol, a McVities Chocolate Digestive Biscuit...yum!

I've already started counting down the days until Christmas, 8 weeks, 6 days, I believe. 61 days. Then again, I have two good reasons to, one - I love christmas, family time - giving presents, having fun.. and two - something might be happening just before christmas that would make christmas priceless. Even better than before. But before I get my hopes up too   much, we shall wait and see.. I shall keep you posted. I love buying presents for everyone, it's great fun, going into shops & not having to think "what would look good in my room, or that I like" - I can go into a shop and think "Wow, this person would love this" - and buying them that, makes me happy for the rest of the day. I think I'm just too soft at heart! lol.

A few days ago I went to the cinema and watched "The Devil Wears Prada" - it was fantastically funny, I think i've written about it before on here.. But anyway, I brought the book the other day, that goes with it - I haven't done much reading of it yet but I hope it's as funny as the film! I was getting frustrated as I had nothing to read/watch/listen to - so since buying that book (about 4 days ago) I've also brought a DVD, 28 Days, and another book - titled "Making Your Mind Up". It's by Jill Mansell, I haven't read any of her books before, and according to the first few pages she's written quite a few. I've read some of that so far, but haven't had a chance to watch my DVD - partly because I haven't found a spare few hours and partly because my DVD player remote appears to be broken, and although my parents have said I can borrow theirs, I haven't found the energy to plug it in yet!! lol. That's something I'd love to do right now, snuggle up warm in bed and either read a chick-lit novel, or watch a chick-flick.. gotta love that light-hearted romantic comedy stuff when you're feeling tired & cold, not much seems more inviting!

However, as it's so late, for tonight I shall simply go upstairs get into bed & get warm and cosy, and sleep for a while. I don't think insomnia will be a problem tonight.