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| All posts about: Joke's |
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Oct 08, 2007 | 12:27PM
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| category: Joke's |
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Drinking at Work
Jan 31, 2007 | 11:56AM
The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol.
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. If something does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgo
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A Joke
Jan 22, 2007 | 5:10AM
IF A MAN cuts his finger off
while slicing salami at work,
he blames the restaurant.
If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of
your family blames the tobacco company.
If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, he blames the bartender.
If your grandchildren are brats without manners,
you blame television.
If your friend is shot by a deranged madwoman,
?
You blame the gun manufacturer.
And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the crazed deceased blames the airline.
I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore.
So, if I die while my old, wrinkled ass is parked in front of this computer,
I want all of you to blame Bill Gates... okay
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Over the Hill
Nov 16, 2006 | 12:53PM
The husband leans over and asks his wife,
"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
"Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.
As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman
has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes. Both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The Policeman, still watching thinks, this was truly amazing. He thinks, I've got to ask them what their secret is. As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something
else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
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The Game is Rigged
Nov 13, 2006 | 3:47AM
A gas station in Arkansas was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up". Soon a local red neck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The red neck then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time." A week later, the same red neck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The red neck guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time." As they were driving away, the red neck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex." Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged ----- my wife won twice last week. And always remember....when life hands you Lemons, ask for tequila and salt
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Hillbillies
Sep 04, 2006 | 9:55AM
THREE WOMEN -- ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE GERMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. " I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM." A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE JAPANESE WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND." THE HILLBILLY WOMAN FELT DECIDEDLY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUTDONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER BEHIND. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER. THE HILLBILLY WOMAN FINALLY SAID, "WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT - I'M GETTIN' A FAX."
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Wild Jamaican Sex
Sep 02, 2006 | 2:41PM
Wild Jamaican Sex
A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around
the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this
small
sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent
say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!"
So they walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you
would
be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex. "
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what
the
man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the
sex God he was.
The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex
freak?"
The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon."
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in,
and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his
eyes... . something his wife hadn't seen in many years!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him
violently over a table, yanked down his is pants, ripped down his own
pants,
and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.
The Jamaican then began screaming, "YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET! YOU
GOT
DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!"
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its a Dog's Life
Aug 31, 2006 | 2:00AM
A Message From Your Dog...
Ten Peeves That Your Dog Has About You
1. Blaming your farts (gas) on me... not funny... not funny at all!!!
2. Yelling at me for barking.. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT!
3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it!
5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo hoooooooo! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
9.Dog sweaters. Hello??? Haven't you noticed the fur?
10. Acting disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous.
Now lay off me on some of these things! We both know who's boss here! You don't see me picking up your poop do you???
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