Scene: Suburban home, living room. Post-quarrel.
Wife: You know, I was a fool when I married.
Husband: Yes, dear. But I was in love and didn't notice.
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Jumping On The Bed
A fiftyish woman was at home happily jumping on
her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband
watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any
idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter
with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says,
"I don't care. I just came from having a mammogram
and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18
year-old."
The husband said, "What did he say about your 56
year old ass?"
"Your name never came up," she replied
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A businessman sends a fax to his wife
"To My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you with your 54 years can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this fax, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed , I will be back home before midnight".
When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table.
"My Dear Husband, I received your fax and thank you for your honesty.I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael my tennis coach, who like your secretary is also 18 years old.
As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference. 18 goes into 54 more often than 54 goes into 18. Therefore I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow ".
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I used to have a Labrador retriever; I was buying a large bag of Purina and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time...but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was behind her.)Horrified, she asked if I'd wound up in the hospital because I'd been poisoned by the dog food. I told her no, I'd been sitting in the street licking my private parts and a car hit me.(I watched the big guy stagger out the door, he was laughing so hard.)
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