Daddy’s Gonna Eat Your Fingers

This one is worth passing on...
This one is for everyone who
a) has kids
b) had kids
c) was a kid
d) knows a kid
e) is going to have kids

I was packing for my business trip and
my 3-year old daughter was having a
wonderful time playing on the bed.
At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this,"
and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained,
I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers
in my mouth and said,
"Daddy’s gonna eat your fingers!"

Pretending to eat them before
I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter
was standing on the bed staring at her
fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What’s wrong, honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my booger?

Rules: Use the 1st letter of your name to answer each of the following...They MUST be real places, names, things...NOTHING made up!

 

Your Name:  Stephanie

1. Famous singer/band: Sawyer Brown

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem .

While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband "You can have her shipped home for
$5,000,

or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land , for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped
home.

The undertaker asked,

"Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be

wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three

days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
After they got their tent set up, they fell sound
asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes The Lone Ranger and
says, "Kemo Sabi, look towards the sky, and tell me what
you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute, then says,

"Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are
millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it
appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the
morning. Theologically, it's evident that the Lord is
all-powerful and we humans are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day
tomorrow.

What does it tell you, Tonto?"

Tonto is silent for a moment, and then says,
"Kemo Sabi, you dumb ass!
It tells me that someone stole the tent!"

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO
HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE
LOCAL BROTHEL.

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER
MANAGER, "GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH
BED THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM.
THEY WON'T EVEN KNOW THE DIFFERENCE."

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND
TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, "YOU KNOW, I THINK MY
GIRL WAS DEAD!"

"DEAD?" SAYS HIS FRIEND, "WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?"

"WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER."

HIS FRIEND SAYS, "I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH."

"A WITCH, WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?"

"WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK AND I GAVE
HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW."

Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road
drinking a couple of bottles of beer.
Bubba says to Earl:
"Lookey thar up ahead it's a dadgum
police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted
fer drinkin' these here beers!"



Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said.
"We'll just pull over and finish drinkin'these
beers then peel off the label and stick it on
our foreheads then throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?" asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties
out of sight and put the labels on each of their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said,
"Howdy boys ya'll been drinkin'?"

"No sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels...

"Me and Bubba's on the Patch."

***Your Personality Is Like Cocaine***


You're dynamic, brilliant, and alluring to those who don't know you.
Hyper and full of energy, you're usually the last one to leave a party.
Sometimes your sharp mind gets the better of you... you're a bit paranoid!


What Drug Is Your Personality Like?
http://blogthings.com/whatdrugisyourpersonalitylikequiz/

A Deck Of Cards

It was quite that day, the guns and the mortars, and land mines

for some reason hadn't been heard. The young soldier knew it was Sunday, the holiest day of the week. As he was sitting there, he got out an old deck of cards and laid them out across his bunk. Just then an army sergeant came in and said, "Why aren't you with the rest of the platoon?"

The soldier replied, "I thought I would stay behind and spend some time with the Lord."

The sergeant said, "Looks to me like you are going to play cards."

The soldier said, "No, sir. You see, since we are not allowed to have Bibles or other spirtual books in this country, I've decided to talk to the Lord by studying this deck of cards."

The sergeant asked in disbelief, "How will you do that?"

You see the Ace, Sergeant? It reminds me that there is only one god.

The Two represents the two parts of the Bible, Old and New Testament.

The Three represents the Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost.

The Four stands for the four Gospels: Matthew, Mark, Luke amd John.

The Five if for the five virgins there were ten but only five of them were glorified.

The Six is for the six days it took God to create the Heavens and Earth.

The Seven is for the day God rested after making His Creation.

The Eight is for the family of Noah and his wife, there three sons and their wives - the eight people God spared from the flood that destroyed the earth.

The Nine is for the lepers that Jesus cleansed of leprosy, he cleansed ten, but nine never thanked Him.

The Ten represents the Ten Commandments that God handed down to Moses on tablets made of stone.

The Jack is a reminder of Satan, one of God's first angels, but he got kicked out of heaven for his sly and wicked ways and is now the joker of eternal hell.

The Queen stands for the Virgin Mary.

The King stands for Jesus, for he is the King of all kings.

When I count the dots on all the cards, I come up with 365 total, one for every day of the year.

There are a total of 52 cards in a deck; each is a week - 52 weeks in a year.

The four suits represent the four seasons: Spring, Summer, Fall, and Winter.

Each suit has thirteen cards - there are exactly thirteen weeks in a quarter.


So when I want to talk to God and thank Him, I just pull out this old deck of cards and they remind me of all I have to be thankful for."

The sergeant just stood there. After a minute with tears in his eyes and pain in his heart, he said, "Soldier, can I borrow that deck of cards?"

A koala is sitting up a gum tree ... smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says,

"Hey Koala ! What are you doing?"

The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they burn a few. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard:
"What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"

So the koala looks down at him and says:

 

 

Duuuude ... how much
water did you drink?!!"

 

One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom. The teacher
was going to explain evolution to the children. The teacher asked
a little boy: Tommy do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.

TEACHER: Did you see God up there?
TOMMY: No .
TEACHER: That’s my po int. We can’t see God because he isn’t there.
Possibly he just doesn’t exist.

A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions.

The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy: Tommy, do you
see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?
TOMMY: Yes
LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?
TOMMY: No
LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school,
she possibly may not even have one!
(You Go Girl!)
FOR WE WALK BY FAITH, NOT BY SIGHT" II CORINTHIANS 5:7
Don’t forget to pass this on! I love this one.