POSITION:; MUM OR DAD

 Long term, team players needed for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES

 The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs a fiver ( £5)Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. : Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an d an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product! Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION

None. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you!:

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE

 : None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

 WAGES AND COMPENSATION

: Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS :

 While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right. 

Pixie 

As some of you  may or may not have noticed i disappeared for e few weeks well things haven't been to good here . i had been getting blinding headcahes and unbeliveable mood swings ( ask the kids ) So i took myself off to the doctor only to be whisked into an ambulance from the surgery to casualty then admitted to hospital .

 As you will see in my first pos i have what is called an acoustic neuroma . well it got bigger and i found myself in hospital . I have had radiotherepy to shrink the tumour but still feeling pretty icky and depressed I'm having trouble orgainising my thoughts so this post may be a little disjointed , please bear with me .

I had left kids in the house thinking i would be back within the hour and panic set in big time . Fortunatley one panic stricken text message to my friend and i was admitted to hospital .

My mother and sister took care of the kids once they had picked the kids up and tutted over the state of my house ( i've had no energy for a while ) .

An army of relatives and friends went through the house like a whirlwind , chucking out all my months of  collected clutter .

Anyway I'm back home and slowly getting back on my feet though i have lost a lot of weight , so I need chocolate all donations welcome.

 

 I wont be on as often or as late as i used to because i get tired very easily and find it hard to concentrate but i hope in time i  should be back to my usual self .

I really missed all my friends on here , especially the crowd from the 50's room . They should have computers in hospital ! Seriously they should I was soooooooo bored ! A person can only read so many magizines before turning wooly .

Anyway i hope to speak to you all again soon and get back to good physical and mental health

 In the meantime Live LOve Laugh !

When asked "What language do they speak in Scotland?" the reply is usually "English of course". But people visiting find that there is still a rich vocabulary of old Scots words in everyday use. Parliamo Glesca - literally translated means 'Shall we speak Glaswegian?'....Read on and add some words to your vocabulary - if you dare!

Let's take a look at one of Scotland's favourite things to do - drinking!!

 

• BLOOTERED:~ Someone who is very drunk as in "He came hame frae the pub absolutely blootered." But the word can also mean "a wild kick" as in "He blootered the ball over the cross-bar"

   

• SWALLY:~ (Rhymes with Sally) Obviously derived from "swallow" it is usually used in relation to drinking alcohol as in "Let's have a swally at the pub after the fitba'"

   

• BEVVY:~ Derived from the word "beverage", any alchoholic drink is a bevvy and a heavy drinking session is a "heavy bevvy."

   

• BUCKET:~ Anyone who "takes a good bucket" consumes a large but undefined amount of alcohol.

   

• GUTTERED:~ Extremely drunk, probably derived from those who ended up in the gutter at the side of the pavement. Similarly, someone who is PARALYTIC is unable to move as a result of too much alcohol!

   

• STEAMIN':~ Yes indeedy - you're right! This means very drunk! And someone who is "STOTTIN" is someone who is so drunk that they cannot walk without staggering as in "He comes home stottin every Saturday night"

 

Okay now onto FOOD.

 

• PARTAN BREE:~ Partan is a crab and partan bree is crab soup.

   

• POKEY HAT:~ An ice cream cone!

   

• A NINETY NINE:~ A pokey hat with a chocolate flake in it!

   

• REFRESHMENT:~ That's not a Scots word I hear you gasp? Well yes it is, in the context of "Will ye no huv a wee refreshment" It's a euphemistic way of saying "Will you not have a small alcoholic drink?"

   

• BRIED:~ Pronounced "breed" this is "bread" in plain English. Another item with bread is a "Jeely piece" which is bread and jam.

   

• CHAPPIT OR CHAMPIT:~ means the same as mashed - as in chappit neeps (mashed turnip) the only accompaniment to haggis.

   

• BUTTERIE OR ROWIE:~ a bread roll made of a high fat, croissant-like dough. Popular in the north-east and can be referred to as an "Aberdeen Morning Roll". Delicious warm with even more butter!!

   

• DUNDEE CAKE:~ a rich fruit cake decorated with almonds.

   

• ARBROATH SMOKIE:~ a haddock which is cured by being salted and then smoked over a fire. This style of preserving fish originated in Arbroath on the east coast of Scotland.

 

So what about people and their characteristics?? Yup you guessed it....they too have their own words!!! Here are just a few......

 

 

• NIPPY SWEETIE:~ Sharp-tongued or bad tempered as in "That nippy sweetie in her peerie heels would argue with the door-post" -- "Peerie-heels?" High stiletto heels on women's shoes.

   

• LUMBER:~ In the days of Saturday night at the dance hall every young man who asked a lady to dance would try to "click" (establish a "relationship") so that he could boast on Monday that he had "Got a lumber" (or girlfriend).

   

• TEUCHTER:~ This is pronounced "choochter" and was/is a contemptuous name given by a Lowland Scot to someone from the Highlands, especially someone who speaks Gaelic. Quick tip: Do NOT use this term in the presence of a Highlander!

   

• JANNIE:~ A shortened form of "school janitor".

   

• SCAFFIE:~ These days a scaffie is more likely to be called a "public refuse collection operative" or maybe just a street-sweeper.

 

 

Some more words to add to your Scottish vocabulary! This time, parts of the body!

 

 

• HEID:~ On its own this is simply "Head" but it often forms part of a longer phrase such as "He's aff his heid" (he's angry) or "He's a heid banger" (he's a wild or crazy person) and "Ye'll get yer heid in yer hands tae play wi'" (you're in big trouble!) or "Awa an' bile yer heid" (go away!).

   

• NEB:~ is your nose but just as in English a nosey person is inquisitive so is someone who is "nebbie". But "nebbie" can also be sharp-tongued.

   

• GAB:~ is your mouth. Someone with the "gift of the gab" is silver tongued and talks a lot. (A bit like me *grin*)

   

• OXTER:~ is your armpit. An example of this would be, "Put they bagpipes under your oxter".

   

• BAHOOKIE:~ if you're very observant and really concentrating on this page *smile* then you'll have noticed that we are travelling down the body - we have now reached, "Sit on yer bahookie!". Other words for this are "hurdies" or "bumbalerie" (my personal favourite *grin*).

   

• SHANK:~ is a leg and if you are using "Shanks's pony" then you are obviously walking.

   

• FIT:~ is your foot, and if you "pit yer fit in it" then you've made a mistake!

   

 

And now......we want to cover up those bodies. What with do I hear you ask?? Well read on.......

 

 

• SARK:~ this is a shirt, made famous in the Rabbie Burn's poem "Tam O' Shanter" where "Cutty Sark" is the name of the witch who wore a short (cutty) shirt (sark).

   

• SEMMIT:~ underneath your sark you would wear a "semmit" or vest.

   

• BREEKS:~ trousers (derived from breeches).

   

• TOORIE BUNNET:~ a hat or cap with a pompom on it, especially the knitted bobble-hat which looks like a tea cosy.

   

• BAUCHLE:~ this is a shabby or worn out shoe though nowadays a "wee bauchle" describes a small, shabby person

   

• WEEL HAPPIT:~ this means warmly dressed to keep out the cold.

   

• FLASH:~ this is the garter tab on a kilt stocking.

   

• TEENIE FRAE TROON:~ is used to describe an oddly dressed woman. I remember my mum calling me this when I was going through those weird fashion crazed days!! *grin*. She'd often say, "I hope you're not goin' out like that - you look like Teenie frae Troon".....oh my those were the days *hehehehehe*

   

Hmmmm.....what about ordinary descriptive words - Adjectives!!!

 

 

• FANTOOSH:~ pretentious or ostentatious as in "Boy, that's a right fantoosh motor caur ye've got there". It's said to derive from the french "fantoche" for puppet!

   

• PEELY WALLY:~ pale, sick and unhealthy as in, "She's lookin' awfy peely wally. She needs a guid holiday".

   

• DROOKIT:~ Totally and utterly soaked after being in the rain.

   

• GLAIKIT:~ this is one of the many Scots words used to describe someone who lacks intelligence, in this case it is someone who is foolish and thoughtless ~~ others are BAMPOT .....really crazy; BLETHERING SKITE .....someone who talks a load of nonsense

   

• MAWKIT:~ this means very very dirty as in, "Yer semmit is mawkit!!"

   

 

Braw Words

 

 

• BRAW:~ If something is "braw" it is excellent, as in the well worn music hall phrase "It's a braw, bricht, moonlicht nicht, the nicht". "Braw" is derived from "brave"

   

• BRAMMER:~ In the West of Scotland this is used to describe anything which is very good as in "That's a brammer new caur ye've got". It is said to derive from the Hindu god Brahma, one of the most important of the gods and since it is of relatively recent origin it is possible.

   

• GALLUS:~ This was used to describe someone who was self-confident and daring but it is now a word of approval in Glasgow. It is derived from "gallows" and originally described someone who was a rascal. Not to be confused with "galluses" which are braces for holding up trousers (but no doubt derived also from the gallows...)

   

• YA BEAUTY:~ this is an exclamation of delight and approval as in, "Anither goal -- ya beauty!!!".

   

• NAE BAD:~ not bad or, in other words, quite good!

   

• STOATER:~ Really exceptional, often used by boys to describe a girl regarded as a "wee smasher".

   

• UNCO:~ pronounced "ungka" means very or extremely as in "It was an unca good laugh". But the "unca guid" are deemed excessively self righteous and narrow minded.

Click here for a complete A-Z of Slang !!!

Cat Games

 

1. CATCH THE MOUSE

    

2. This game must be played with at least one other Cat. The more, the merrier! One or both of the sleeping humans is Hill 303 which must be defended at all costs from the other Cats. Anything goes. This game allows for the development of unusual tactics as one must take the unstable playing theater into account. A more extreme version of this is to stage a loud fight with another cat who is sleeping on the bed, which will immediately wake the sleeping humans into a state of confusion. If there is a dog sleeping by the bed, you can try to get it involved in breaking up the fight, which will add greatly to the confusion. This stunt will more than likely result in getting everyone expelled, so play it sparingly.

   WARNING: Playing games 1 and 2 (especially the noisier version of 2) to excess will result in expulsion from the bed and possibly from the bedroom. Should the humans grow restless, immediately begin purring and cuddle up to them. This should buy you some time until they fall asleep again. If one happens to be on a human when this occurs, this Cat wins the round of King of the Hill.

    

3. Obviously, this game requires two or more Cats and may include a dog as well. One Cat is "it" and chases the others around the house until he catches up to one of them, making that Cat "it" in turn. The caught Cat who has become "it" then chases the others around. Great fun, but has the greatest potential for loss of Dignity from maneuvers such as the Throw Rug Wipeout and the Non-Carpeted Floor Skid. Whenever such a situation occurs, all feline participants must immediately wash themselves. Dogs are generally too stupid to do this and may continue to play. In this case, the dog automatically becomes "it" and should be piled upon by all Cats.

    

4. This is a game played in the bathroom. Next to the humans' Big White Drinking Bowl is a roll of soft white paper which is artfully attached to the wall so that it can spin. Inside this roll is the Tube Mouse. When you grab the paper, the Tube Mouse will spin frantically as it tries to escape from you. When the Mouse is exposed, it dies of fright and stops spinning. But that's okay because you now have a great new toy to pounce on, play with, and shred! Part two of the game is to make the angry human believe that the other Cat did it. This is related to another fun game, "Snowstorm", in which you try to make it look like a blizzard has occurred in the room. You can track shreds all over the house for greater enjoyment. Be warned that this variant often results in the coming of the VACUUM MONSTER.

    

5. Dogs will run after a ball or stick that humans throw, take it back to them, and continue doing this until they drop. As established earlier, dogs are not bright. A dignified Cat MAY fetch a ball for its human; but if the human persists in continually throwing the ball away, assume that the human truly does not want it, and leave it. A small minority of Cats will fetch favorite toys like pipe cleaners, twist ties, or other small plastic things. They claim it's great exercise and doesn't deprive them of too much Dignity.

    

6. Any number of Cats can play. The game begins when the referees go to bed. The player runs to the bowl where the dry Cat food is kept and executes a "place-kick." The player does this by attempting to kick one kibble from the bowl with a paw. Using the nose and tongue is allowed, but this is considered bad form. Often the bowl must be tipped, rocked, or rattled. Once the kibble is out of the bowl and in play, the player proceeds to bat it around the room as quickly as possible. This is accomplished with short alternating swipes with the front paws and running behind it as it moves. This is also known as the "kibble dribble". If the kibble gets stuck at the intersection of two walls, the player must attempt to put it back into play with a "corner kick."

   If the kibble is still on the playing field after 30 seconds, the player is awarded a point. That player is then allowed to eat the kibble, after which one returns to the bowl to put the next piece into play. No points are awarded for kibbles that are kicked out of the playing area (under the stove, behind the refrigerator, etc.). These are left for the cockroaches and other spectators. The player must put a new kibble into play.

   For equipment, any dry kibble will work, although round ones roll particularly well. The referees control the pace of the game by waking up (usually after the first few points have been scored) and imposing obstacles between the player and the kibbles. The referees do this by placing covers on top of the bowl, placing the bowl on a counter top or shelf, or otherwise hiding it. An advanced player is measured by the degree of ingenuity displayed in overcoming the obstacles between self and the kibbles and resuming the game. The game ends when all the kibbles are eaten, are out of the playing field, or when a referee puts the player in the penalty box.

    

7. Step 1: Warm up by tearing through the hallways and over furniture at high speeds. Be sure to drag your claws and make zzzzzrrrt noises on the rugs. Furniture that is off limits during the daytime makes great springboards. (Even more fun with two or more participants.) Important style points are gained during this step. Two extra points if you get a yell from a judge.

   Step 2: Find objects that make noise and activate them. Door stoppers that go SPROING-OING-OING when you run by them, wind chimes and blinds that rattle when disturbed, and loose objects that go thud when they hit the floor are best. Technical points are awarded in this step. The more complex the device the better. Five points for knocking over the phone so it goes BEEP BEEP BEEP *If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again* ...

   Step 3: Make the loudest possible noise. Glassware and remote controls are useful here. It might be beneficial to slightly open the judges' door before this step. Final creativity points are awarded now.

   Step 4: Look innocent when the judges storm into room and turn on the lights. Pretending to be asleep is good form. Five bonus points if another pet gets blamed. Seven points for style if the judges stub, trip, or completely fall over the objects knocked over!

    

8. This game is played when your human has the newspaper lying on the floor for reading. Run down a hallway toward the newspaper at full speed, leap onto the paper, and see how far you can slide. The slippery advertisements are best for this. This game is even more fun if your human is unaware that you are going to play. It can be followed by a good round of "Catch Mouse" (newspaper variant). It can also be played on throw rugs.

    

9. It can take some time to teach the humans this game, but it is worth the effort. You need a curtain which reaches down to the floor (vertical venetian blinds will do). Hide behind the curtain and command the human to throw a small toy (really a mouse, of course) at it. The key part is to restrain yourself as long as you can to fool the human into thinking you aren't going to pounce. When the human reaches for the toy, attack the toy and kill it. Half the fun is in attacking the "mouse", the other half is in watching the human jump back to avoid getting his hand shredded.

   Variation 1: Sometimes the curtain or blind magically transforms itself into a Curtain Monster, which must be killed immediately! Grab it, kick it with your hind feet, wheel around on your back like mad, and tear as much as you can! The Curtain Monster and the Martians that live behind it are tough opponents; but with persistence, you will be victorious.

   Variation 2: You are at the bottom of Mount Everest (the curtain), and there is a tempting morsel at the top which you must reach before it runs away. Climb as fast as you can before the morsel disappears or a human grabs you and throws you outside.

    

10. Convince your human to move the couch out a little bit from the wall, just enough so that you can move between the wall and the couch. Demand that your human throw a toy (preferably a small ball) for you to chase. Instead of chasing it through the open room, run behind the couch, tunnel along, miraculously emerge from the other end, and grab the toy. Your human will be deeply impressed by your sophisticated move and will readily throw the toy again and again.

     

11. A good game to play with the other Cats in the house is to see how many different places you can sleep in one day. You mark your sleeping spot with an appropriate deposit of hair, which is a necessary part of any Cat-owned home. It is important to play this game at least weekly, since the humans are always removing the markers. Bonus points go to the unusual spots, like the top of the fridge, TV, or air conditioner, and even on top of the Vacuum Monster slumbering in its closet. Of course, if the Vacuum Monster should awaken while you're sleeping on it, there is a potential for serious consequences!

     

12. As you will have noticed in your explorations of your household, the floor-level kitchen cupboards are all interconnected. The object of the game is to dart inside when a human opens a cupboard door and immediately make your way to the farthest reaches out of range of the human's grasp. If you can get a partner to run it with you to divide the human's attention, so much the better. If the human gives up easily, you now have a nice safe dark place to curl up, snooze, and deposit hair in. Often you can open the doors yourself and don't even need the human there. Humans love to wash their pots and pans before using them. If the humans keep the trash can under the sink and there are some tasty treats being stored in it, you may also have a free meal or two providing you are able to get into it. If you and your partner are feeling frisky, great wrestling matches can take place in the darkness, with lots of crashes and clangs to make it sound like the Tournament of the Century! More fun can be had by scooting back and forth, putting your paw under the door, and meowing to make the human think you want out. When the door is opened, run to another cupboard before you can get grabbed. If the human is prone to flushing you out with a squirt bottle filled with Cat Solvent (WATER), make as much of a mess as possible when making your escape to let him/her know your displeasure. Be sure to wash yourself upon exiting the kitchen to retain your Dignity, and glower at the impudent human while doing so.

     

13. Many of the newer things that humans call telephones (on which they spend far too much time talking to other humans instead of attending to their masters) have lots of little buttons on them which you can use. The little ones without numbers are often "speed dial" buttons, which means that if you can turn the phone on (look for a "speaker phone button"), you can make phone calls too! Since humans love to talk on the phone, they will be glad to hear your melodious voice greet them! Their feline masters will be even more pleased if you make your call early in the morning to save them the trouble of making the humans wake up early. If you can call long distance, so much the better! Serves those slug-like humans right for sleeping during prime play time and leaving their masters unattended!

     

14. This is a fun game that can be used as an alarm clock for dormant humans or as a signal that a Cat wants to go outside. All that is required is vertical blinds in the bedroom. It is best played when there is more than one Cat in a household. When the humans are asleep, one of the Cats should go over to the blinds and attack them with the purpose of making as much noise as possible. Run and hide under the bed when a human gets up and blearily opens a door to go outside. The other Cats should play possum so that the human doesn't know who did it. Different Cats can do this at different times, with the objective being to see how many Cats can attack the blinds until all are thrown out by the enraged humans.

     

15. For whatever reason, sometimes your humans will put a large piece of cloth, usually white, on their dining table. If you are a dark-haired cat, this means you are obliged to try to deposit as much of your hair on it as possible. If you are present while they are putting the table cloth on, leap up and snag an edge with your paw as the humans are trying to adjust it and try to pull it to the floor. You will be immediately shooed away, of course.

    Once the humans have set all the stuff on the table, do this again. You will get lots of toys as well as plenty of nesting material; but it's impossible to do this silently, and you will get forcibly ejected and barred from the dining room. If you wish to be more subtle, hop on the table and begin shedding activities such as scratching, grooming, or sprawling. See how much hair you can deposit before the humans notice and throw you out. The more Cats there are, the more variety of color you can add to the table cloth!

    If the table cloth reaches nearly to the floor, you have an instant fort. Lurk underneath it until a human passes by. Then leap out and grab an ankle! Run back under the table where they can't get you. Be prepared to be flushed out by a squirt bottle.

     

16. This game involves some risk of exposure to Cat Solvent, but is worth it because it annoys the humans greatly. If the human leaves the bathroom door open and is taking a shower instead a bath, lurk beside the shower stall or bathtub and wait until he/she is finished, steps out, and reaches blindly (due to water in the eyes or a lack of glasses) for a towel. As soon as a foot comes within reach, bat at the big toe with a paw and run out of the room. If you can escape without being splashed or spotted while lurking, you win. It is not wise to try to play this too frequently, as the human will quickly catch on, gleefully try to soak you with Cat Solvent, and force you to retreat with loss of Dignity.

     

17. These mice appear during the human's weekly ritual of "Changing the Bed Linens." It's the perfect time to hunt for the Bed Mice which appear in many shapes and sizes just as the fresh bedding lands on the bed. It is also the best time to make sure the bottom sheet contains enough hair and dander to trigger the human's allergies later in the week. The human will usually shake the sheet toward the head of the bed. It is imperative to attack by jumping straight up and landing on the sheet as it floats downward. This action ensures that the sheet will land over the Bed Mice, which can be seen as lumps or an occasional small hill on the bed. These small, tasteless, but usually colorful mice can be pummeled into oblivion by the use of the rapier swipe or the one-two hind kick, employing one or both back legs. If you're not quick, the human slave may find you've flattened too many Bed Mice and make the bed with you in it. This can be difficult to get out of, especially if the human makes the bed in a military manner, uses hospital corners on the sheets and blankets, and tucks in everything up to the pillows. You may instead be escorted to the door and locked out of the room for your efforts. In that case other, more devious and hazardous methods will be needed to install the necessary Cat hair, such as burrowing under the covers while the humans are in bed, or going after the Bed Mice when the human is making the bed in the morning.

     

18. This is a great game for at least two Cats who are both bored and full of excess energy. It can be initiated by one Cat goading the other into attacking or by a surprise attack from behind or the top of a high object such as a table, chair, or Cat scratching post. Any form of kick, nip, swat, slam, throw, or other maneuver (fair or not) is permissible as long as no injury is performed on the other participants. If more than two Cats share the same house, the others may join in at any time or perhaps use the diversion to get onto the counter or some other Forbidden Place for some deviltry of ones own. The goal of the game is not just to burn off the excess energy but to make as much of a mess as possible over as large an area as possible. So be sure to make every effort to knock things over, scatter and shred papers, and leave hair everywhere. Growling and hissing are optional but not recommended, because the humans might think it's for real and break it up early. Wrestlemania comes to an end when the participants are exhausted (not likely), bombarded by Cat Solvent, things are thrown at them by the humans after the nebulous line between entertainment and destruction is crossed, or (if the match occurs at night) a human charges into the Battle Zone swearing and throwing things. In these latter cases, the prudent Cat will bolt for cover until the rage passes.

The humans would have you believe that those lumps under the covers are their feet and hands. They're lying. They are actually Bed Mice, rumored to be the most delicious of all the mice in the world, but no Cat has ever been able to catch one. Rumor also has it that only the most ferocious attack can stun them long enough for you to dive under the covers to get them. Maybe YOU can be the first Cat to taste the coveted Bed Mouse!

PART 1. THE ART OF HAGGIS HUNTING

A strange and eerie sound drifts slowly down the glen, uisge beatha! uisge beatha! The sun is peeping over the horizon but none can feel the warm rays through the swirling mist. The men are huddled by the traditional "siggah" rock, chanting and taking turns at the cask with the warm golden water of life.

Suddenly, a tracker appears on the heathery slope and calls "haggi! haggi!" In a flash, the men are up and running, spreading out in the ancient hunting pattern which each had learned as a boy. Catching a wild haggis, in these days of scarcity, would make a living legend of the team involved.

The most difficult part of the ancient art of haggis hunting is actually locating the beast and then chasing it in the right direction. The haggis has evolved to be just a bit faster than the fittest man and more sure footed than a mountain goat. It runs along the hillside using it’s two long legs and the one short leg to maximum advantage. Once it slips through the hunting line it can be gone into the gorse in a flash. The hunters must keep behind and on the uphill side so that the haggis is gradually driven down to lower ground. This can take over three hours, but once the critter is down on the glen floor the advantage swings quickly in favor of the hunters – because of its uneven legs the haggis can only run in circles when on flat ground.

As soon as the hunters see a haggis circling in this fashion they surround it, and bring up the cask for celebratory refreshment. Within about twenty minutes the haggis can be found lying flat out through dizziness and exhaustion. Soon after that the men are usually found lying flat out around the haggis, with an empty cask rolling amongst them!

PART 2. THE ART OF HAGGIS PREPARATION

The snowflakes flutter and crash against the kitchen window as the high pitched sounds of chattering women escape out into the white haze. Inside the stove gives warmth to the grizzly scene – hearts and livers being chopped up with gay abandon. At first glance a stranger might think they’d stumbled on a covey of witches practising an ancient craft. Of course, the knowledgeable Scot would know that this is the initial ritual in the ancient art of haggis preparation. Then comes more chop-chopping and in goes the suet and the onions…and what’s left of the sherry — no, the whisky goes in the haggis and the sherry goes to the cooks.

Then the aroma of roasting oatmeal wafts it’s way into the air and causes a few smiles as it replaces the previous odor. Along with some vegetable stock and seasoning, the strange mixture is packed into some unfortunate ewe’s stomach (or a sausage skin if the sheep were clever enough to avoid those nice ladies). After boiling for three hours the concoction begins to resemble a haggis and, at this point, a fresh bottle of sherry appears and disappears.....the women giggle louder and louder as they convince themselves that their spell has been successful. They actually believe that they spirited the creation of a haggis while the men were still out, bonding around the "siggah" rock.

How did this ritual come to pass? Well, ever since the redcoats came north and shot everything on sight, wild haggis have been almost extinct. Some clever women knew that it troubled the men to go on a haggis hunt and come back empty handed....so, the substitute was created. On those bleak, misty, hunting days the women would wait till the whisky cask was empty and then go and quietly place their "haggis" in amongst the snoring hunters.

Of course, for decades, it was a well-kept secret with only an occassional wink as the men returned triumphant... "haggis" in-hand, and ready for roasting. Tatties (potatoes) and neeps (rutabaga) would be taken from the special store and boiled just right, as the haggis roasted.....and the men would go in search of another cask.....so that the whole village could celebrate. Rabbie Burns knew better....

Fair fa’ yer HONEST sonsie face!

A large Texan tourist wearing an extra large cowboy hat decided to visit a highland farm to view some highland cattle with a view to purchase a breeding bull. The farmer, who found the Texan's attire rather amusing, took him to his field. Looking out across the fields the Texan enquired,

"How many acres have you have?".

"Two thousand," replied the farmer proudly.

"Is that all?, replied the Texan rudely, "I can get in my car and drive all day and still not reach my boundary fence."

"Oh dear" replied the farmer sympathetically, "I once had a car like that."

 

What do you call a man who is almost home ?

Hamish

 

An Australian sheep shearer entered a bar and stood beside a rather inebriated Scotsman.

"Where are you from, pal?" enquired the Scotsman, after they had been chatting for a while.

"I'm from the finest country in the whole wide world," replied the Australian rather boastfully.

"Are you?" said the Scotsman rather surprised. "You've a damn funny accent for a Scotsman."

A Glasgow man left his almost-full glass of beer to visit the gents. Before doing so he wrote a little note saying:

"This drink belongs to the Springburn Amateur Heavyweight Boxing Champion."

When he returned, the glass was empty. Added to his note were these words:

"This drink is now inside the Springburn Four Hundred Metres Running Champion."

 

The pilot of an aerobatic biplane landed in the recently mown field of a Scottish farmer to make a few adjustments to his engine. While he was tinkering with his machine, he noticed the Scotsman and his wife watching with a great deal of curiosity. The Scotsman asked the pilot how much he would charge to give both he and his wife a ride.

'Well', said the pilot, 'Normally I charge $50 dollars each, but if you are both completely quiet throughout the flight, the ride will be free of charge. If I hear the least amount of noise, you will owe the full fare.'

The couple quickly climbed aboard, and the pilot taxied and took off. Immediately, he proceeded to put his plane through all of its paces: barrel rolls, stalls, spins, split S maneuvers, you name it and he did it. The couple in back were completely silent throughout the thirty minute flight.

Upon landing, the pilot said, 'I really have to hand it to you for keeping quiet through all that!'

'Aye', said the Scotsman, 'but I'll admit, ye almost heard me when the wife fell out.'

 

 

 

 

well christmas has been and gone .. Phew ! .. Everything turne out ok in the end .. The kids likred their preesies .. i coped .. and there wasn't too many fights . At the moment i am sitting listening to my neighbours partying .. still .. it did die down for a wee while around 10 am this morning , but started up again at 2 o'clock this afternoon .. If only they would play some decent music . My other neighbour told me she called the police at 4 am .. we are still waiting for them .. It was around 4 am that they took their party outside , where they practised punching hell out of each other . I guess it's a family tradition .. around 1130 pm last night 4 of them knocked my door to tell me that my dog had barked all day while i was out at my sisters . I would have listened to their complaints if i could have heard them above their music !

Anyway , had a great time at my sisters ( tallullah ) . I ate far too much and crashed out in front of the fire . When i woke up the kids had ddecorated me with tinsel and baubles .. If i get a copy of the photos i'll post them . That'll teach me to fall asleep .

Don't need to go back to work till Jan 4th .. weee .. but i'm looking forward to it .. we have 3 new families .. Funny how xmas is one of our busiest times of year . The tensions seem to get on top of people and if there are already problems then the fights start and some of them have to flee . I have not met the families yet but i am predicting that they will be back home soon , ready to start the merry go round of arguments , assaults and insults again . Where my colleagues and i step in to try and pick up the pieces .

 one of social works policies is trying to keep families together .. Sometimes , i really think it would be better if they did'nt ..ho hum

Oh well thats my mate signed into msn ..I'll finish this later .. off to make plans for new year .. Now that is a time i like .. I like to party party .. Hopefully this year i might nab myself a fella .. been single for two years now .. i need a cuddle !!! .. watch this space ..

 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGH ! okay so i filled this out , got to the bit for 7 people , and left the page to see my friends list .. yes it had all disappeared .. grrrrrrrrrrrrr i will get back to this

 

As seen on others Blogs.... I got tagged by Kagen .. thanks Kaye x

Seven Things To Do Before I Die:

1. Find my brother

2. Go abroad

3. Learn to play the saxophone

4. Learn to drive

5. meet at least one of my online friends

6. Finish my family tree

7.  Get life insurance

Seven Things I Do Not Like:

1. Racism

2. Sexism

3.Dishonesty

4. Corned beef and peppers .. yuuuuuueeeech

5. Violence

6. Getting up early

7. War

  Seven Things I Can't Do:

1. Lick my elbow  

2. Sing ( ask my kids )

3. Hear very well

4. Have more babies

5. Drive

6. Reach high shelves ( i'm 4ft 11inches tall , 152cm )

7. Fly

Seven Things That Attract Or Would Attract Me To My Mate:

1. sense of humour .. ( make me laugh and your half way there )

2. Honesty

3. Humble nature

4. A love of nature and the enviroment

5. Intelligence

6. Soulful eyes

7.  Sexy butt ( shallow i know )

Seven Things I Say Most Often:

1. pardon

2. Crap closed the wrong window

3. Turn that down ( i have two kids )

4. Who done that ?

5. Clean your room

6.  because i said so !

7.  I love you ( to my family and kids )

Seven Books or Series That I love

1. Anything by Terry Pratchett

2. Anything by Ian Rankin

3. some Clive Barker

4. some Stephen King

5. eastenders ( soap opera )

6. Desperate Housewives

7. Futurama

Seven Movies I Watch Over And Over:

1.The Colour Purple

2. Fried Green Tomatoes

3. On Golden Pond

4. Driving Miss Daisy

5. Seven Mules for Sister Sarah

6. About a boy

7.One flew over the cukoos nest

 

Seven People I'm Tagging to Hop on the Bandwagon

1. Spacedoubt

2. Skyrider

3 Angolagirl

4. Greepy

5. Andiphillis

6. Krazykitten

7. Debbierubarb

 

As i am writing this the tears are streaming down my face . I have been sobbing pretty much on and off all day . i knew this day was coming , i suffer from depression and find this time of year particularly difficult and i guess the pills just aint working just now .

So why am i so depressed when everyone else seems to be so happy ? To tell you the truth i really don't know . I could give out my "reasons" , 11 years ago ( dec 13th) my husband killed himself leaving me with two kids aged 1 and 2 to look after , but you would think after all this time i would have dealt with it , but i guess i haven't .  Ifeel under a tremendous amount of pressure to get the kids the presents they want just like the kids who have two parents , two sets of grandparents , and parents with a reasonable income ect ect but . I'm sure 'm not the only single parent who feels pressure just now . I do voice my opinion on how i refuse to buy into the whole commercialism , but how do you explain that to kids ? . Oh [censored] i don't know ... all i know is i am so low right now and i wish someone was around to give me a hug  .

Anyway , in a round about way i'm just trying to say to my friends , sorry if i seem a bit "off" just now and i'll see you all when i manage to crawl through this feeling and come out the other end .

 

For Shaun ( my husband )

I Only Wanted You

They say memories are golden well maybe that is true. I never wanted memories, I only wanted you. A million times I needed you, a million times I cried. If love alone could have saved you you never would have died. In life I loved you dearly, In death I love you still. In my heart you hold a place no one could ever fill. If tears could build a stairway and heartache make a lane, I'd walk the path to heaven and bring you back again. Our family chain is broken, and nothing seems the same. But as God calls us one by one, the chain will link again

 

 

 

Pixie x

The Cat's Diary

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed. DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night. DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan ...... DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth. DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait. It is only a matter of time.

i finally got a picture of my gorgeous new puppy . I ont know if i have forgotten how to post pics or if its too big but lets hope it works this time

[img]http://tinypic.com/flijxd.jpg[/img]

http://tinypic.com/view/?pic=fmhx68

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints.

We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less.

We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time.

We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast,

Get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete.

Remember, spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak, and give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Actual writing on hospital charts 
1. The patient refused autopsy. 

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides. 
 
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital. 
 
4. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only 
a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days. 
 
5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was 
very hot in bed last night. 

6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a  year. 
7. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it 
disappeared.

 8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be 
depressed. 

9.The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993. 

10. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission. 
11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but  forgetful. 
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. 
13. She is numb from her toes down. 
 
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home. 

15. The skin was moist and dry. 

16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches. 
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. 

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 
she got a divorce. 
 
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical 
therapy. 
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.  
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. 

23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. 

24. Skin: somewhat pale. but present. 

 25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor. 

26. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall. 
27. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities 

28. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room 

29. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane 
ran out of gas and crashed. 
 
30. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. 

31. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate 
directions in early December. 
 
32.  Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should 
sit on the abdomen and I agree.

33. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a  job 
as a stock broker instead

34.  By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and   was feeling better. 

Have had a horrible week . I lost one of my best friends , and old teenage sweetheart on October 18th . He died of a massive heart attack , at the age of 44 . I spent most of the week phoning round friends to tell them the news and attended his funeral on the 24th . It was torrential rain that day and i'm pretty sure jim would be chuckling away to himself at everyone getting soaked . It was heart breaking to see his parents . Jims ex wife wouldnt let his kids age 12 and 15 attend , this really upset his parents who are worried they wont see their grandchildren again . I just hope that she lets the kids see their grand parents and doesnt continue her vendetta . Anyway , rest in peace jim , thank you for making me laugh , and picking me up when i was down .. at least my tea bags will last longer now .. xxxxxx