Ponderisms


I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Do illitera te people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

(\__/) (\__/)
(='.'=) (='.'=)
(")_(") (")_(")

Happy Easter!!!

Describe me...in one word.... Just one single word.

Send it to me
And to me only.

Then send this message to all your friends and see how many strange & Interesting things they say about you.

This is really fun.

Here's how to Play:
1. Hit the reply key and send me my one word.

The Game is On!!!!!!

bye grab.com
		For those who are on my friend list... I totally have to agree with all of you who say people are getting fake in here. So I gave in and let's see who really reposts this. This is a test to see who's paying attention. It serves to eliminate people who are desperately trying to add "friends" like its a popularity contest in High School. This is a test to see how many people in my friends list actually pay attention to me. Copy and repost in your own bulletin. Let's see who the true friends are and I think I know who you are... Repost this if you are a friend.. If you don't, you get deleted.. Don't reply... just copy and paste this in a new bulletin as "Bye Grab.com".

Its because of you, my friends, that i am the person that i am today...nuerotic, insane, and completely in love with my life :)
My world goes round and my days are much brighter because i have friends like you and i wouldnt have it any other way

*hugs hugs hugs*

love carol xxxx       (yellowrosexxxx)

 

 

 

 

1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I [censored]ed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move." 2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later....."Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No, You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?" < BR> "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad...." < /SPAN & gt;"WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?" 3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mis chi ef , finally asked him: "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the d oor until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'" 4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy." 5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron." 6. When I was six months pregnant with my thir d child, my three year old came into the room. I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?" 7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered.&a mp;a mp;a mp;n bsp; Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four." 8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher pause d then ask ed the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Cow! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes. 9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." & lt; /FO NT >The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not." 10 A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?" 11. A little girl goes to t he barber shop wit h her f ather. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

Just wanted to say happy valentines day to all of my friends I hope you have a wonderful day.

 

 

Subject: Fw: Best 4 jokes of 2006

 

 A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow
  goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to
  her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know
  you'll forgive me." She replies,

                 "If your [censored] is as hard as your elbow,

                            I'm in room 221."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------                              

 Third Place:      One night,
 as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts
                         rubbing his wife's arm.

        The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a
       gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.

                  "The husband, rejected, turns over.

    A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

            "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------                               

 Runner Up: Bill worked
 in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number
    of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he
    had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his [censored] into
 the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist
to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to
                    overcome the compulsion on his own.



                       One day a few weeks later ,

                  Bill came home and his wife could see

               at once that something was seriously wrong.

                     What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

             "Do you remember that I told you how I had
              this tremendous urge to put my [censored] into the pickle
              slicer?"    Oh, Bill, you didn't" she exclaimed.

              Yes, I did." he replied.  My God, Bill, what happened?"                            

              "I got fired."

             "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the
              pickle slicer?"

                        " Oh...she got fired too."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------                                 

 Winner:    A couple
 had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the       breakfast
table one morning when the wife says, "Just think,
      fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table
    together." "I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting
  here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered.
"Let's relive some old times." Where upon, the two stripped to the buff
              and sat down at the table. "You
know, honey,"                the little old lady breathlessly replied,

   "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

               "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.


          "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal

 

> >>>> >Feng Shui Horoscope Take just a couple of minutes to take this test
> >>>> >& see what happens!  If you are honest this tells the truth -- it's
> >>>> >pretty good.
> >>>> >
> >>>> >Write your answers on a paper, NO cheating! The answers are at the
> >>>> >bottom...
> >>>> >
> >>>> >1. Which is your favorite color: red, black, blue, green, or
> >>>> >yellow?
> >>>> >2. Your first initial?
> >>>> >3. Your month of birth?
> >>>> >4.
> >>>>Which color do you like more, black or white?
> >>>> >5. Name of a person of the same sex as yours.
> >>>> >6 .. Your favorite number?
> >>>> >7. Do you like California or Florida more?
> >>>> >8. Do you like a lake or the ocean more?
> >>>> >9. Write down a wish (a realistic one)
> >>>> >
> >>>> >When you're done, scroll down. Don't cheat
> >>>> >*
> >>>> >*
> >>>> >*
> >>>> >*
> >>>> >*
> >>>> >*
> >>>> >*
> >>>> >*
> >>>> >*
> >>>> >*
> >>>> >*
> >>>> >*
> >>>> >*
> >>>> >*
> >>>> >*
> >>>> >*
> >>>> >*
> >>>> >*
> >>>> >*
> >>>> >*
> >>>> >*
> >>>> >*
> >>>> >Answers:
> >>>> >
> >>>> >1. If you choose:
> >>>> >
> >>>> >Red - You are alert and your life is full of love.
> >>>> >Black - You are conservative and aggressive.
> >>>> >Green - Your soul is relaxed and you are laid back
> >>>> >Blue - You are spontaneous and love kisses and affection from the
> >>>> >ones you love.
> >>>> >Yellow - You are a very happy person and
> >>>>give good advice to
> >>>> >those who are down.
> >>>> >
> >>>> >2. If your initial is:
> >>>> >
> >>>> >A-K - You have a lot of love and friendships in your life.
> >>>> >
> >>>> >L-R - You try to enj oy your life to the maximum and your love life
> >>>> >is soon to blossom.
> >>>> >
> >>>> >S-Z - You like to help others and your future love life looks
> >>>> >very good.
> >>>> >
> >>>> >3. If you were born in:
> >>>> >
> >>>> >JAN - MAR: The year will go very well for you and you will
> >>>> >discover that you fall in love with someone totally unexpected.
> >>>> >APR - JUN: You will have a strong love relat ionship that will last
> >>>> >forever.
> >>>> >JUL - SEP: You will have a great year and will experience a
> >>>> >major life-changing experience for the good.
> >>>> >OCT - DEC: Your love life will be great, you will find your soul
> >>>> >mate.
> >>>> >
> >>>> >4. If you chose...
> >>>> >Black : Your
> >>>>life will take on a different direction, it will be the
> >>>> >best thing for you, and you will be glad for the change.
> >>>> >White: Yo u have a friend who completely confides in you and
> >>>> >would do anything for you, but you may not realize it.
> >>>> >
> >>>> >5. This person should be your best friend.
> >>>> >
> >>>> >
> >>>> >6. This is how many close friends you will have in your lifetime.
> >>>> >
> >>>> >
> >>>> >7. If you chose:
> >>>> >
> >>>> >California: You like adventure.
> >>>> >Florida ! : You are a laid back person.
> >>>> >
> >>>> >8. If you chose:
> >>>> >< BR>Lake: You are loyal to your friends and your lover and are very
> >>>> >reserved.
> >>>> >Ocean: You are spontaneous and like to please people.