In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

 On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

 He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.  Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.

 The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

 Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

 The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed his stupid ass against the railing, killing him instantly. Probably wasn't the same elephant.

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super Wal-Mart

Shopping Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure

my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air. She was stretched

full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that

she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing

my finger at the car and saying emphatically,

 "Now you stay. Do you hear me?" "Stay, stay!"

 The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave me

a strange look and said...................

"Why don't you just put it in park?"

An elderly man in Roseburg had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."  Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast.

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing.

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 A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."

**************************************************

 A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

**************************************************

 Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

**************************************************

 Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That after noon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.

The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when Stimulated?

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire You!"

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say. One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed!"

 They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes total" says the Genie.

 The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."

 Pooooof! With a blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

 Osama bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want an impenetrable wall around Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran, with all believers of Mohammed inside and all Jews, Americans, and other infidel forever outside our Precious state.

 "Pooooof! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries..

 The Australian engineer asks, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall".

 Th e Genie explains, "Well, it's 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds these countries........ it's virtually Impenetrable. Now what is your wish?"

 The Australian engineer smiles and says, "Fill it with water." Pooooof! World Peace!!

FOLLOW THIS LINK FOR....

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  At the end of the tax year, the IRS sent an
inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.
 

While he was checking the books, he said to the
Rabbi, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you
do with the candle drippings?'
 

'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them
and send them back to the candle makers, and every now
and then they send us a free box of candles.'
 

'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
 

But on he went, in his obnoxious way: What about all these matzo (bread) purchases?  What do you do with the crumbs?'
 

'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realizing that
the inspector was trying to trap him with an
unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls.'
 

'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.
'Well, Rabbi, what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'
 

'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi. 'We save up all the foreskins and send them to the Internal Revenue Service, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.'